Genre: Middle Grade XXX
Title: Guinevere: At the Dawn of Legend—Cedwyn’s Story
Cedwyn skipped out of the wood shed. Finally, he’d finished the chores his ma had given him. Even though he considered himself the man of the house with his father gone, he didn’t dare make his ma angry. Almost eleven, he’d already cleaned the stables and pig stiesNorth a hundred times more than any other kid in the castle. At least, she hadn’t made him rake up leaves or clean up the chicken droppings. Even at fifteen, Guin’ver, who would be King Arthur’s queen, didn’t escape his ma’s wrath. She just got sent to the kitchen.
He shivered as a strong gust of wind blew through the bailey and breathed in the crisp and sharp air of an early winter. Then he coughed as his nose and mouth filled up with smoke and ashes. For the last month, the North winds also dusted the castle parapets and roofs with ashes turning all a grayish-white. These days ashes covered every level surface and every nook, inside and outside. On days like today when the wind raced through, he forgot to breathe shallow and ended up choking. The early snows would be welcomed this year to get rid of the smoke and ash.
At the keep entrance he hollered up for Guinevere, his newly deepened voice still cracking. “Guin’ver. Guin’ver. You up there?”
From behind him came the answer. “Here I am.”
Turning around he saw her running down the battlement steps, blond hair streaming out behind her.
His mother, who really ran the castle in the king’s absence, had given the approval their ride and overnight stay at the Abbey. With the fighting contained to the north country, the castle was safe from danger. And today, he and Guin’ver were going an adventure just like they had so many other times. Except that this time, they’d be sure not to get in trouble. Nothing like the rabbit hunt the day King Arthur came to ask for Guin’ver’s hand.
He chuckled remembering how much trouble they’d been in with everyone: the King, Merlyn, Brynwyn, and Cook. And to top that adventure off, he later ran away with Guin’ver who wanted to remain a princess. No, today would be fun, no trouble.
“I’m finished, you?” Cedwyn asked when Guinevere reached him. The lingering wind blew his brown hair, not quite shoulder length, into his face and teased the castle by scattering more yellowed leaves and ash.
“Yes, just thought I would look around one more time.”
“Nothing?” His question more of a statement.
She shook her head.
There hadn’t been anything for months. At first, messengers came down with updates. But for the past three months, no messenger arrived at the castle gates, no word, just ashes and smoke. They didn’t know if Arthur and his men, his father and Guin’ver’s, King Leodegrance, among them, had gained or lost ground, and the lack of information was evident in the increased tension within the castle walls.
Getting away for even a day promised a respite for him from keeping the kids out of trouble and for Guin’ver from mediating squabbles between old friends. It promised to be like old times, just him and Guin’ver enjoying their time together. No thoughts about the overdue knight’s training for him, nor the overdue marriage of Guin’ver to Arthur.
He grabbed Guin’ver’s hand. “Com’on. The horses are ready, and if we don’t go soon, Ma’ll find for keeping us here.”
“She wouldn’t do that, would she?” Guinevere spun around looking for Brynwyn.
“You know my Ma. Doesn’t matter that I’m supposed to be the head of the family, or that you’re a princess.”
Guinevere laughed sounding just like her old self.
“You’re right. Let’s go.” She led the way to the stable, and Cedwyn followed just as he always did.
The horses were ready and once mounted, Cedwyn hollered out to his mother. She waved them off from a window in the keep having already given them instructions on keeping out of trouble at least ten times.
Outside the castle gates, they let the horses break into a canter and were soon hidden in the trees.
Inside the forest, the smoke thinned; the branches acted as a filter, and after an hour’s ride, the air smelled fresher and held a hint of pine. Only when a strong gust rifled through the tree tops did a shower of ash flutter down.
The two horses stood in a small glen munching on tufts of green within reach of their bridled heads. Reins tied to sturdy branches kept them from wandering. Like their riders, the horses couldn’t have been more different. The bigger horse’s black coat—at over seventeen hands—looked almost grey with the ash and sweat mixed on it. Huge legs with thick white stockings stomped the padded ground more out of habit than a need to keep the flies away The black coarse tail twitched from one side to another for the same reason. Occasionally it tossed its head causing the black and white mane to rustle in the air and to keep the forelock out of its eyes. Unlike the smaller sorrel horse beside it, this was a retired battle mount whose job was to carry a princess and keep her out of harm’s way.
The slender sorrel stood at only fifteen hands, just tall enough to avoid the label of pony, a label it would have reacted to with a snort and a baring of teeth. Patches of white hair over its shoulders and rump spoke of years in a harness, and its muscled legs told of a life pulling the war wagon loaded with supplies from camp to camp. Like its friend beside it, this mount was also retired. Both were left behind on this current campaign, it having been decided that their duty had been done. The sorrel now was responsible for the boy, the princess’ best friend and loyal follower.
Both horses raised their heads and turned at the thrashing sounds coming from the bushes across the glen. Before seeing the cause, they quickly lowered their heads and hurriedly grabbed at the remaining tufts of grass, stuffing their mouths. Break time was over.
Guinevere and Cedwyn pushed aside bushes with one hand and entered the clearing. Their other hands doing as the horses had—stuffing the last of the wild raspberries into their mouth and wiping at the escaping juice. Cedwyn spoke first.
“Those berries were almost as good as Cook’s circlette.”
Guinevere nodded, her mouth too full to answer. She took an animal skin filled with water off her horse, drank some, and passed it to Cedwyn. While he drank his fill, she mounted her horse thankful for the split skirt Brywyn made her so she could ride astride. It was clumsy riding sidesaddle.
Cedwyn looped the water skin on his saddle and mounted the sorrel.
A rush of wind found the glen and swirled fallen leaves caught in its grasp round and round like a dervish, a devil’s whirlwind. The war horse’s head jerked up and with ears flattened, it stared back the way they had come. The sorrel imitated it, but with teeth bared. Both horses pranced nervously and shook their heads. The sorrel backed up and prepared to bolt. Cedwyn’s arms struggled to hold him in place. The war horse planted its front legs wide as if braced for a battle.
“Guin’ver?”
“I don’t know. Something or someone’s coming. The horses sense danger.” She gripped the reins tighter.
Hi Cheryl - this is a big change to start from Cedwyn's point of view! I think after the first sentence it would be good to refer to his mother as "Ma," instead of "his ma" or by her first (given) name. If she can boss Guinevere around, she'll probably be a figure in the story we should know by first name.
ReplyDeleteIn the very opening paragraph, you mention "Ma's wrath." After thinking about this, I now wonder if the boy Cedwyn is doing that chore because he's in trouble and that has caused Ma's wrath. Or is he doing the chore because it needs to be done, and perhaps Ma is not upset, just very industrious and runs a tight ship. If it's because Cedwyn has caused trouble, that does fit in with later elements you include, but we should have a sense of what mischief he's been up to that led to this punishment.
In general, this reads fine except for when words or missing or extra minor words are left in, possibly from revising. Reading aloud is a good way to catch those extra words. I'll bet there are some in my revision. Ugh.
I guess I'm still not sure where the ash is coming from, without fire. Could dust work in place of ash? Unless you really are describing something burning in the North?
I think it's fine to use "Guin'ver" when Cedwyn is speaking but in all other instances her name should be spelled out.
This section read a little awkwardly: "Guinevere and Cedwyn pushed aside bushes with one hand and entered the clearing. Their other hands doing as the horses had—stuffing the last of the wild raspberries into their mouth and wiping at the escaping juice. Cedwyn spoke first." I think it's the way the second sentence starts that doesn't read quite as smoothly as other sections.
Hi Cheryl,
ReplyDeleteI like that you are now opening with Cedwyn, although "Cedywn skipped out of the wood shed" may not be the most engaging opening. There may be another opening in what follows that first paragraph: Cedwyn shivered as a strong gust of wind blew through the bailey.
Then again, some editors frown on weather openings. Oh well. I think you'll find something. :)
I like this more than your first passage, but I feel that the writing can be improved upon. There are several sentences that can be made more clear, most of the time by eliminating words. Here are a few places that jumped out at me:
In paragraph two, ash and smoke is described, but we don't know the source of it. We learn later that it is probably battle fires, but perhaps it should be made clear earlier on.
***
The lingering wind blew his brown hair, not quite shoulder length, into his face and teased the castle by scattering more yellowed leaves and ash.
Are you saying that the wind teased the castle? This sentence is a little run-on and is trying to do too much. Less is more. Or maybe you can just shift it a bit:
The lingering wind blew his brown hair, not quite shoulder length, into his face and swirled towards the castle, scattering more yellowed leaves and ash. (Not great, but you get the idea.)
***
Getting away for even a day promised a respite for him from keeping the kids out of trouble and for Guin’ver from mediating squabbles between old friends.
What kids? And what squabbles?
****
Guinevere spun around looking for Brynwyn.
Who is Brynwyn? Cedwyn's "Ma?" If so, it needs to be made clear earlier on.
***
I really like the scene where the horses are described, very rich and descriptive, and your love for horses (I imagine) really shines. I do feel that it can be shortened.
***
Both horses raised their heads and turned at the thrashing sounds coming from the bushes across the glen. Before seeing the cause, they quickly lowered their heads and hurriedly grabbed at the remaining tufts of grass, stuffing their mouths.
Would pulled or munched or nibbled be better? "Grabbed" indicates having hands.
***
Guinevere and Cedwyn pushed aside bushes with one hand and entered the clearing. Their other hands doing as the horses had—stuffing the last of the wild raspberries into their mouth and wiping at the escaping juice.
Perhaps just have one of them do the clearing away of the bushes.
***
I point these out, Cheryl, because I think you have the skills to become a great writer. Right now, though, there is a lot of what some writers call dead wood. It needs to be chopped, cleared and then polished!
I say this with the best of intentions, Cheryl. :)
I know you have probably heard this before, but reading aloud can really point out awkward phrasing and description.
Also, a critique group is great for sharing work and getting honest feedback. It's ultimately up to you, of course, on what you will or will not change.
One of my favorite books on technique is called Self-Editing for Fiction Writers.
So keep going. Chop. Polish. Refine. Murder your darlings. I know you’ve got it in you to make this even better!
(Did you ever watch the BBC Merlin show? I really liked that.)
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHello. Is there a prologue which would 'remind' the readers of the sequel that a raging fire ended the first book in the series?
ReplyDeleteMy biggest question is when does the story begin?
There is a deleted comment because it inadvertently posted twice :)
DeleteThere is a deleted comment because it inadvertently posted twice :)
DeleteI agree with the rest, starting with Cedwyn is just what needs to happen! Overall, this reads much better to me.
ReplyDeleteI think pacing can still be addressed. You can probably shorten the getting ready to go part under a page. I want for them to get on their way to the abbey already. I want to feel like they are racing each other, and then cut short.
When the horses begin to sense danger, you take a whole paragraph to describe it. I think in moments like these, I want pace to be at lightning speed - horses ears flattened (we know it means they sense something, and Guinever doesn't need to say it), and ... an arrow shot over their heads nearly missing Cedwyn, the sorrel bolted, three men on horseback chased after flying Guinever and Cedwyn.
What I'm trying to say here is when you are attacked, you stop paying attention to anything in the world, but the very thing that endangers you. Right?
Good luck, this is coming along!
I just want speed here, you know?
Great job at revision, Cheryl!
ReplyDeleteSince the first version was from Guinevere's point of view (I assumed) and this one is now Cedwyn's I have to confess that I'm not sure who's story this is. Will it be an alternating dual point of view between the two characters every chapter?
We do lose the fire that's ravaging villages, as well as much about the war in this version, which means, for me, the tension really dropped.I'm also not sure of everybody's relationship to each other. Are Cedwyn and Guinevere related?
The first version read like a YA with some elegant writing and this version sounds like a MG (especially with Cedwyn skipping out of the wood shed - how old is he?). I think you need to decide what type of book you're writing and hopefully you're reading lots of both YA and MG as research!
At the end, there are 3 paragraphs describing the horses, which slows the pace and isn't all that interesting. I found myself skimming. :-( Sorry. There tended to be a lot of telling instead of feeling like I was right inside the scene with your characters. There were times the view point seemed to be skipping between Cedwyn and Guinevere and other times it was like an omniscient narrator telling the story so watch for that.
You're a good writer, I just think the story itself isn't jelled yet and you're still making decisions on what type of story you want this to be.
Wishing you all the luck!
Kimberley
Hi Kimberley. This is the second book in the trilogy, and it is Cedwyn's story, hence the change in point of view. Cedwyn is nearly 11, and as much as I loved the first version, it just doesn't work for a MG story which is what the trilogy is. So stay tuned to more changes on the next revision. Going to try and keep the tension of the fires but weaved in differently. Thanks for your comments.
ReplyDeleteHi Cheryl!
ReplyDeleteA lot of great comments already. I also felt that some of the description could be cut short. While the descriptions of the horses was vivid, I found myself drifting a little. Perhaps you can try to weave this in with some of the action later. I personally would love to have seen some of the upcoming danger a little sooner. I agree with Kimberley that this felt different than the first version. With your comment, I believe this version is more of an MG feel so kudos on a great revision (although I did like the first version as well)!
Hope this was helpful!
I think it works that we are in Cedwyn’s point of view from the start, but I’m confused as to who his mother is in connection to Guin’ver and she doesn’t escape her wrath but then you say, “she just got sent to the kitchen.” This doesn’t sound so bad. The word “just” makes it feel like she does escape the wrath. I want to see an example of the mother’s wrath, real wrath, right up front. What happened the one time or the last time he made his Ma angry? What did she do to him? You can really raise the tension here and make me worry for Cedwyn right off with one or two details that show us the wrath, the consequences of Cedwyn’s actions. We should know soon after the mother’s wrath is discussed that she runs the castle and how she does this.
ReplyDeleteCheryl,
ReplyDeleteFYI--Since there is a character limit, I am having to respond in several posts.
“He shivered as a strong gust of wind blew through the bailey and breathed in the crisp and sharp air of an early winter. Then he coughed as his nose and mouth filled up with smoke and ashes. For the last month, the North winds also dusted the castle parapets and roofs with ashes turning all a grayish-white. These days, ashes covered every level surface and every nook, inside and outside. On days like today when the wind raced through, he forgot to breathe shallow and ended up choking.”
Great! It works to have this shown through Cedwyn’s point of view.
“The early snows would be welcomed this year to get rid of the smoke and ash.” I don’t think you need this here. The previous sentence is powerful and a stronger way to end this section.
“His mother, who really ran the castle in the king’s absence, had given the approval for their ride and overnight stay at the Abbey.” We should get this sooner, so we know the mother’s connection to Guin’ver right off.
“Except that this time, they’d be sure not to get in trouble. Nothing like the rabbit hunt the day King Arthur came to ask for Guin’ver’s hand.” I don’t think you need this here. Stay in scene.
“He chuckled, remembering how much trouble they’d been in with everyone: the King, Merlyn, Brynwyn, and Cook.” What about his mother? Did they get in trouble with her too?
“And to top that adventure off, he later ran away with Guin’ver who wanted to remain a princess.” Why? Here is where you could tell us she didn’t want to be a Queen and give us a hint as to why. Does she not want to “grow up?” Or does she not want to marry King Arthur?
ReplyDelete“No, today would be fun, no trouble.” Does he promise his mother this?
There hadn’t been anything for months. At first, messengers came down with updates. But for the past three months, no messenger arrived at the castle gates, no word, just ashes and smoke. They didn’t know if Arthur and his men, his father and Guin’ver’s, King Leodegrance, among them, had gained or lost ground, and the lack of information was evident in the increased tension within the castle walls.” Too much back story is given here. Stay in scene.
“Getting away for even a day promised a respite for him from keeping the kids out of trouble and for Guin’ver from mediating squabbles between old friends. It promised to be like old times, just him and Guin’ver enjoying their time together. No thoughts about the overdue knight’s training for him, nor the overdue marriage of Guin’ver to Arthur.” This should come earlier when we are told about what happened last time.
“Guinevere laughed sounding just like her old self.” How long has it been since she hasn’t sounded like her old self? Give us some context.
I think we get too much of the horses. I would experiment weaving Guinevere and Cedwyn and their actions into the description of the horses. I want to see Guinevere and Cedwyn on these horses, riding together, maybe talking, playing. Also, I want to see what Cedwyn looks like and in comparison to Guinevere. You mention that his voice is deeper, changing, but what about his body? Is he now taller than she is? Does he now look more like a man than a boy? The same for her…Is she more of a woman than a girl? How have they changed from their last adventure? How will these changes foreshadow what will come?
‘While he drank his fill, she mounted her horse thankful for the split skirt Brynwyn made her so she could ride astride. It was clumsy riding sidesaddle.”
*Who is Brynwyn?
“…Cedwyn’s arms struggled to hold him in place. The war horse planted its front legs wide as if braced for a battle.”
I’m curious as to what is happening and to what or whom the horses are reacting. It’s good that we see Cedwyn struggling to hold his horse in place, but Guinevere just disappears in this section. Show us what she is doing too.
“I don’t know. Something or someone’s coming. The horses sense danger.” She gripped the reins tighter.” Put this earlier. Again, less description of the horses and more description of what Guinevere and Cedwyn are doing with the horses.
Overall, I would stay with Guinevere and Cedwyn. Keep us in the present and with their actions and dialog. The berry scene shows me how they can be playful and are still children. Now let the scene when they almost lose control of the horses show me that they aren’t children anymore and circumstances have forced them to grow up a lot sooner than they both may want. I do think this is a strong revision. I am looking forward to seeing what happens in your next one.