Name: Amanda Ungleich
Genre: YA Fantasy
Title: Unwritten
“Elsi, wake up.”
The words collide with my dream. I ignore them, fighting for a toehold in the story my brain and sweet sleep have given to me.
Warm hands grip my shoulders, startling me awake. “Elsi.”
My dream scatters, and I force my eyes open. Nadu stands over me, her grey hair barely visible in the dark room. Sweet fate, not again. I rise up on my elbow and glance out the window. Darkness presses through the glass. There’s no telling how late it is.
“The Council needs you,” Nadu says.
I roll my eyes. Of course they do. Tossing back the covers, I stand and thrust my legs into the pants Nadu hands me. I throw my nightgown on the bed and pull on my tunic. Nadu doesn’t have to tell me to hurry like she does the others. I’m old enough to know we don’t have the privilege of extra time. And besides that, the disapproving glare and extra chores I suffered from Nadu the one time I didn’t move fast enough has kept me from lingering ever since.
I glance down the length of the room where all ten of the female heralds sleep together. The rest are all still sleeping. There are eleven boys in the room across the hall. Twenty other people they could send, but instead this is my third interrupted night of sleep in the past few weeks. I suppress a sigh, careful of Nadu’s presence. The cold from the wooden floor creeps up into my bare feet that I quickly shove into boots.
I tiptoe past the other beds and grab my cloak. The braid I sleep in hangs loose and messy over my shoulder, and I suppress the twitch in my fingers to fix it. It will have to wait. I follow Nadu to the door of the house.
“Should I spare you the lecture on how to act?” Nadu flashes a cheeky grin as reaches for the door.
The newer heralds have to be reminded of our protocol and how to act when called by the Council. You can hardly blame them. Everything is new when we come here, pulled from our families and lives as soon as our fate is known. I smile at Nadu. “I think I remember.”
I have been here for five years. Not the oldest herald, but I’ve been called to the Council more often than all the others put together. No use complaining about what I can’t control, even if it leaves me with little sleep. I bend down, kissing Nadu’s cheek. Her skin is old and wrinkled, and has been as long as I’ve known her. What was Nadu like before she was old? I can’t imagine her as anything but weathered. She holds the door open, and I step out into the darkness.
The woods are quiet, and I relish the stillness. The cold night air nips at my cheeks, and I’m thankful I had the sense to grab my cloak. Spring has finally found us here in Ilan, but as usual, will be late in showing herself and forcing out winter’s chill. At least the cold will help me wake up.
Darkness blankets the path as I weave through the forest. The huts I pass barely stand out, wedged in between trunks as though they sprouted from the trees themselves, those inside fast asleep behind the rough wooden doors of their homes. Fires dance here and there, the towering trees above me holding the heavy thickness of their scent close to the ground, as if they are unwilling to let anything out, even the smoke from our fires. Just another thing in Ilan that I can’t escape.
No light comes from the Council building, but its rounded walls peeks through an opening in the trees. I reach one of the outside doors and walk in without knocking. If the Council summons, it means they do not want to waste time with politeness. I ease the door shut behind me. Wide steps lead down to the front of the room where the Council gathers around their table. All the chairs in the amphitheatre are empty, as they so often are these days, the Council instead meeting in hushed, frantic tones as they do now, seated before me. Candlelight bounces off their faces. The rest of the room lies bathed in darkness.
I stand and wait. Even if Nadu hadn’t trained me to be silent and ready, I think I would still tuck myself in the safety of the shadows. It’s amazing what you can see when people don’t think you’re paying attention. From where I stand, I can see everyone. Soft murmurs bounce off the walls. The room has the feeling of secrets.
“Elsi Aker,” a voice says.
I step forward into the light. “Yes.”
“A story awaits in Galvanour.” The voice has a face now. Rynn Lannard. There are twelve on the Council. He is not the oldest, but is usually their voice. Fitting, as he has been the one to piece together what is left of Ilan. He is young, but not as young as me, and I wonder if he bears his responsibility with the same resolve and regret that I do. He stares at me for two breaths, his eyes full of the hope so many in Ilan have forgotten. “Can you find your way?”
I’ve never been there. But I can find it. “Yes.”
“Your Seeker has been summoned. She will meet you at the gate.”
I nod, ever the obedient herald, then turn and leave.
#
Nadu has given me Marion to take with me. She is young, just thirteen. Nadu wouldn’t let us put our pinky fingers through a portal before she has trained us for a solid year. Marion is capable, of course. It is a brutal, but thorough training that we heralds receive. Nadu sees to that. But heralds always start by going with someone more experienced. And as I’ve passed through about as many portals as I have actual doorways in the past couple of years, Nadu uses me to train the others rather frequently.
Marion’s dark hair is pulled back into a messy braid. I move and stand behind her, undoing the braid and doing it again, neater, just as I did my own earlier. Marion fidgets, a bundle of energy. I smile down at her dark head bobbing in front of me. She hasn’t traveled to another world yet, and her excitement practically reverberates off of her skin. I wonder when I lost that excitement, if I ever had it. All I’ve ever felt is anxious, and intent on my task. I finish the braid and drop Marion’s hair right as she nudges me.
“A Seeker,” she says in a hushed voice.
I look up to see our Seeker coming towards us. She is tall - taller than me and I am not short. Her hair is a mass of thick red waves that cascade down her shoulders, and her creamy face is dotted with freckles. Far from detracting, they only add to her beauty. She’s so pretty you would want to befriend her just for that reason, but her green eyes are so intense that I bet she intimidates most that she comes into contact with. She walks with an air and confidence that some would say is cocky. If she is cocky, it is deserved. Seekers have a gift, the rarest and most coveted. They find stories.
YES.
ReplyDeleteThis is some really great revision work. I love the sensory details and the character moments! You did a good job of slowing down and letting us sort of soak in your world. And I do have a much better sense of your main character as well.
Some quick thoughts:
1. I don't mind the fact that it starts with waking up, but your second paragraph read a bit clunky to me. I recommend reading the scene out loud to catch rough spots.
2. I noticed this the first time around, but didn't have room to mention it. When you go immediately from "Your Seeker has been Summoned" to "Nadu has given me Marion" it makes it sound like Marion is the Seeker and creates a brief moment of confusion. You may want to clarify that in the text sooner
And here is a random suggestion that you do not in any way have to take:
Is there a reason Marion is not woken up at the same time as Elsi? Having a trainee be with Elsi from the beginning, especially a nervous one, might give you a way to explain and explore more of the world in an organic fashion. Not that you need more world info in this beginning, I think you have a good balance now. Just something to possibly think about.
This is a really good revision. I'm excited to see what you do next!
Amanda - I didn't think it possible, but your language is more lyrical and beautiful than the first post. I was drawn in immediately and didn't want to leave. I'm just going to ask a couple of questions. Elsi is often called - what makes this time different? Why start here? This is routine for her, so maybe she has a hint that this time will be different? Why is she always called in the middle of the night? Since this seems to be something that frequently occurs, I don't understand why it would always be at night. So these are picky questions because I can't find anything else to suggest! Great writing - I'd love to read this!
ReplyDeleteHello Amanda-
ReplyDeleteHooray for the work on your revision. Congratulations on your progress.
Gold Stars for:
Sensory moments - cold wooden floor, walking through the forest/complex
Love the relationship between Nadu and Elsi
Adjusted pace of this opening
Added clarity
Your last line, “They find stories,” gave me that I HAVE TO READ MORE feeling.
Questions/Suggestions:
What motivates Nadu asking “Should I spare you the lecture on how to act?” Not sure if it’s just their regular banter. Maybe she can refer to a time when she did have to remind Elsi still preserving this sweet character interchange.
I’m wondering if we could have a breadcrumb or two about the difference between the ranks of heralds, and the protocol involved. For example the council question about Elsi being able to find her way confused me. Would the council assume she already has that capability?
Adjust the “braid” contradiction. First she doesn’t have time to fix it and then later it says she fixed it.
More detail about the Council building and its contrast to the other buildings you’ve described. I need a little help visualizing there.
“-piece together what is left of Ilan,” maybe a tad more here to understand the stakes this sets up.
Rynn Lannard – I’d like to understand a bit more about their connection. Were they heralds together? Does his voice have to be unidentified at first?
I have the sense that the paragraph where Elsi is braiding Marion’s hair has some huge character reveal potential that you can mine a bit more.
If you are going to keep the “wake up” beginning, can you tighten it? Love the line: Sweet fate! Not again. Amp up the urgency of the opening moments.
I’m looking forward to your next revision. Have fun! Thanks again for sharing your work.
This is great, really really great potential here. I definitely agree with the previous comments, and have a few notes to share, nothing all that major except the first one:
ReplyDeleteOpening with being woken up is intensely cliched, so if you're intent on starting there it has to be pristine and perfect. Even having her already awake, sensing something after being woken so often recently, might make it different enough to work better. Just a thought.
Nadu's first line of dialogue: “Should I spare you the lecture on how to act?” Nadu flashes a cheeky grin as reaches for the door. You're missing a pronoun in the second sentence. Also, I agree with the comment above on this.
Walls PEEK, a single wall PEEKS.
“A story awaits in Galvanour.” The voice has a face now. Rynn Lannard. There are twelve on the Council. He is not the oldest, but is usually their voice. You use the word 'voice' twice too close together...'usually speaks for them' or something eliminates the repetition.
“Your Seeker has been summoned. She will meet you at the gate.” 'She will' is very formal and reads unnatural in dialogue. You have a few instances of this: 'I am' and 'It is' where a contraction would improve the rhythm and flow of your beautiful language.
Nadu has given me Marion to take with me. I agree with the previous comment on this. Also, you use 'me' twice in this sentence.
'off of' can almost always lose the 'of'
You capitalize Seeker. Should Herald be capitalized too?
'I wonder when I lost that excitement, if I ever had it. All I’ve ever felt is anxious, and intent on my task.' 1) you've used 'ever' twice in 6 words. 2) Since she's not sure if she ever 'had' that excitement, she shouldn't then say 'all' she's 'ever felt' is anxious. Should probably be 'All I feel now...' or something.
As I said, these are really minor things. The only big thing is still opening with being woken up. It's too cliched for a book that isn't reading as cliched in any way. This is still beautifully written and a great job!!!
ReplyDeleteAmanda-
This is clearly the start of a very interesting story. I would definitely keep reading!
“The words collide with my dream.” I like this sentence.
It’s hard to start a novel with dialogue without any action to ground the reader in the scene. Could you possibly do something like this: ‘Warm hands grip my shoulders, startling me awake. “Elsie, the Council needs you.”
“The cold from the wooden floor creeps up into my bare feet that I quickly shove into boots.” Nice sensory detail.
“Should I spare you the lecture on how to act?” Nadu flashes a cheeky grin as reaches for the door.” Rather than this maybe you have her go ahead and remind Elsie how to act. Then the reader would know what is expected. Elsie could respond in the irritated manner of someone who has been woken up in the middle of the night and who doesn’t need reminders anyway.
“Just another thing in Ilan that I can’t escape.” I’m not sure what this sentence means.
“bathed in darkness.” I think thinks are bathed in light and shrouded in darkness. Maybe just me.
Good luck on your revisions. I look forward to reading.
Great job with the revision. I like the added details about the houses in the forest. I'm getting a better picture of this world. You have to walk a fine balance to give us the worldbuilding details without bogging down the story, but so far, I think it's working.
ReplyDeleteA few additional things I noted:
A typo in paragraph 6 - "the disapproving glare and extra chores I suffered from Nadu the one time I didn’t move fast enough has kept me" should be "have kept me..."
I also tripped over the braid thing (first she doesn't have time to fix it, and later it's already been fixed).
"Spring has finally found us here in Ilan, but as usual, will be late in showing herself and forcing out winter’s chill." The second part of the sentence seems to contradict the first.
Does she go down the stairs to stand in front of the Council? She seems to be standing in the shadows at the top of the stairs, but then steps into the light, which indicates to me that she is down on their level.
All of these are small, because I think you're about there. Nice job!
Awesome revisions! Everything is falling together now!
ReplyDeletefighting for a toehold in the story my brain and sweet sleep have given to me.: Can we make this more concise? I had to read over it a few times before getting the point. I don't like the sweet sleep part, though I love the brain bit.
And besides that, the disapproving glare and extra chores I suffered from Nadu the one time I didn’t move fast enough has kept me from lingering ever since.: "have kept"- just the agreement
From where I stand, I can see everyone: This line seems repetitive or unnecessary to me. Either add the new info to the previous sentence or cut it out.
The braid is confusing because she doesn't have time but in the end she does.
Is Nadu harsh? I get that feeling from how she assigned extra chores, but then she is smiling and smirking. Can this be more consistent?
Is there a reason herald is lowercase? Council and Seeker are capitalized, but herald is not. It seems to be rather important in the world.
"Just another thing in Ilan I can't escape.": Is this foreshadowing? If so, I really like it, but if not, I find it kind of confusing because I feel like it is just thrown in there.
Really awesome! I'm excited!