Genre: Middle Grade Magical Realism
Title: THE ADVERSITY TREE
The day the preacher called me cursed, his words burnt into my brain the way lightning scorches a tree. It didn’t exactly kill me, but it sure did sting.
Mama and I stood at the front of the church ready to escape into a sunny April day meant for cut-offs, kites, and lazy bike rides. I shook Preacher Glenn’s hand and had one foot out the door, when he bent to whisper in Mama’s ear, “Rose, that daughter of yours is cursed the way she brings trouble to our little town.”
Mama turned bright red, but she raised herself tall and said loud enough for everyone to hear, “My Lily is not cursed.” Then she narrowed her eyes and gave him the look that Daddy says when you see it you’d better run. “I think we’ve had enough small mindedness in this church. We won’t be back.”
I’d never seen Mama with so much fire in her which made me think that some part of her thought he might be right. Mama marched me right out the door, and by the way she stomped around, I could tell she was still mad when we got home.
I asked her about it, but she said, “Lily, it’s ridiculous. This is 1989. I think we’re past believing in curses. Preacher Glenn’s an old man who doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” She flipped her blonde hair with a flourish. “We’re not discussing this.”
I wished she would have let me talk about it. I had to swallow my fear where it settled in my belly like a serving of Mama’s Brussels sprouts (no cheese). That was the day my stomach started hurting and no amount of pink Pepto-Bismol helped.
I decided right then to never again listen to my gut, no matter how insistent. You can imagine my consternation when the very next day after school, I got that flutter. My head went to war with my gut, but lost quicker than a snow cone in July. When I had that feeling, I had to go, and wherever I ended up, trouble would be waiting. Always. And if the preacher was right, it would be my fault.
I jumped on my bike and shot down the street. I should have grabbed my jacket. The wind whistled clean through my New Kids on the Block t-shirt.
Cursed, cursed, cursed floated in the air.
Tanner Wilson pedaled after me. “Hey, Lily. Are you looking for trouble?”
He was usually the one causing it, so Tanner liked to follow me if he thought there was some coming. He seemed more interested than usual, which made me think he’d already heard what the preacher said, even though Tanner had snuck out after Sunday School.
When you live in a town as small as Blue Springs, news zips around faster than Michael Jordan going in for a lay-up. And if it’s something you don’t want told, it’s like a slam dunk – exciting for everyone but the person who got schooled.
I stood to pedal faster. “Shut up, Tanner. You know I don’t look for it.” I got my bike for my tenth birthday, and since my legs were almost two years longer, it jerked back and forth.
Tanner paced me on the beat up bike he’d found at the junk pile. He could have bought a new one with the money he’d spent on his Air Jordan high-tops, but he was pretty proud to be the first boy at school to get them. His bangs flopped in his eyes until he untwisted the Nike sweat band from his wrist and tamed them.
We skidded into the playground just in time to see Nick Fuller go sailing off a swing. He rolled on the ground, crying, and holding his foot. Nick was part of our gang of friends, but only because there weren’t that many kids in Blue Springs. I threw my bike down and ran to help, but Nick kicked at me.
“Leave me alone, curse girl. You jinxed me.”
I didn’t know whether to laugh because that was so ridiculous or cry because he believed it. What I wanted to do was yell at him. What I wanted to do was kick his good foot. What I did was grab my bike, knowing Tanner would help him.
As I rode away, I heard Tanner say, “Dude, that was awesome. You should have seen yourself flying through the air.”
That was Tanner for you.
I took my time going home, needing to ponder my fate. I was used to being different. Daddy was black and Mama was white. It didn’t bother me being the only family in town that wasn’t all white. But being proclaimed cursed? That bothered me a lot.
I peddled past my best friend, Belinda’s house, but didn’t feel like stopping. Her daddy was one of the people in town who gave me “that look” - the kind that made me feel like I forgot to wash my face or had my shirt on inside out. Daddy said it would make me grow up strong, but Mama had another opinion – an opinion she said I shouldn’t repeat.
At the edge of town, I rode in a circle while my thoughts went round and round. Nick would tell the kids at school I was cursed, and I already got called names I didn’t dare tell Mama. Daddy called her feisty, but I called her embarrassing. If I told her about Nick calling me curse girl, whoo-eee, I don’t know what she’d do.
Shadows fell across my porch when I parked my bike at the side. After I explained why I was almost late for supper, Daddy said, “Lily Kathryn Taylor, you’re led to trouble like tracks lead a freight train.”
My daddy was right about me and trouble. It got to be that sometimes no one wanted me around, they were so afraid of trouble coming. Except I didn’t bring trouble – it brought me. Unless the preacher was right. What if all those times I’d been rushing to help, I’d been rushing to make the bad things happen?
The next Sunday, we stayed home from church. That was fine with me. I never liked sitting that long, listening to a grown-up man wearing a dress, telling me I was going to you-know-where, unless I repented my sins and got dunked clean under in the water of baptism. Especially one who thought I was cursed.
Tanner’s mom made him get baptized, on account of him being so much trouble. He bragged about how he made sure one pinky finger didn’t go all the way under. I didn’t think I’d brag about going to you-know-where for lack of one finger getting wet, but then I wasn’t Tanner Wilson.
While Daddy cooked breakfast, I crawled into bed with Mama. We snuggled under the pink and blue flowered comforter and stole a few extra winks of sleep. Then, Daddy brought in a white wicker tray, like the room service at a fancy hotel I saw in a movie. We punched up the pillows and sat there eating pancakes and fruit salad and drinking big glasses of SunnyD orange drink.
Daddy prayed over those pancakes. “Dear God,” he said. “Bless this food and this family. Amen.” That ought to count for something.
Mama called Daddy a natural-born story-teller. We laughed until orange drink squirted out our noses
That first line is absolutely fantastic. It definitely hooks, and gives such a sample of Lily's voice. Love, love, love it.
ReplyDeleteI love how you wove in her thinking about being cursed with her actions. It really makes this cohesive and tight. The only thing that was a little off to me was her being at the playground...she rode off, then finds Nick hurt, then rides back again all really fast. I feel like I needed some sort of "So much for being on the playground today" thought in there or else it almost seems random that the scene is in there. I know you need it to showcase how Nick is calling her cursed, and how word might get around and everyone might know. But I'd like to linger in that scene just a bit more. Draw out the action and her reactions and let us settle into that weight of "oh crap, now everyone's going to think this" with her before moving on.
Other than that small thing, I thought this was fantastic. Great job on the revision!
Hell, that new opening rocks! You nailed it. I like this a lot. Its getting better and better. I already commented on how much I like the voice. She is a spunky, believable character. A few small things:
ReplyDeleteI think it would help to get this "feeling in the gut" thing explained straight-away:
See, ever since I could remember, my gut told me things. It was like a flutter in my stomach...
The way it is now, we're not really sure how it works, or exactly what she means by:
That was the day my stomach started hurting and no amount of pink Pepto-Bismol helped. I decided right then to never again listen to my gut, no matter how insistent. You can imagine my consternation when the very next day after school, I got that flutter. My head went to war with my gut, but lost quicker than a snow cone in July. When I had that feeling, I had to go, and wherever I ended up, trouble would be waiting.
We need to know what her gut does/how it acts/feels early on in the chapter so we can understand her.
Other than that, these pages are really great.
Sounds like a great story. I wish you success with this!
I'd definitely agree that this is a great improvement. I also agree that the scene at the park needs a lot more of something. As it is, it's pretty meaningless to be this seemingly important. I will add a comment on the first paragraph that you are 100% welcome to completely ignore:
ReplyDelete"The day the preacher called me cursed, his words burnt into my brain the way lightning scorches a tree. It didn’t exactly kill me, but it sure did sting."
This is a huge improvement...but (had to see that coming)...that first sentence, to me at least, reads long:
'The preacher named me cursed. His words burnt into my brain the way lightning scorches a tree, it didn’t exactly kill me, but it sure did sting.'
(just a thought, for example...as I said, feel free to ignore)
As for this section:
I decided right then to never again listen to my gut, no matter how insistent. You can imagine my consternation when the very next day after school, I got that flutter.
1) not a big fan of the word 'consternation' here
2) I feel as though there could be a lot more here, detailing the argument between her head and her flutter that would really set up her character
Other than that, this reads great, well done!
Jeri-
ReplyDeleteYour descriptions are wonderful. Love “a sunny April day meant for cut-offs, kites, and lazy bike rides” and “lost quicker than a snow cone in July”. Lily has such a strong and endearing voice.
I think I’d like some more details about the sort of trouble she’d gotten herself into in the past. It’s just hard to believe a child could cause that much trouble that a preacher would call her cursed. Another child hurting his foot while jumping off a swing is hardly the sort of thing an adult would call her cursed for. Kids have accidents like that every day. So what makes her sort of trouble different?
“It didn’t exactly kill me, but it sure did sting.” I like this sentence but you might think about taking out “exactly”. I think the sentence is stronger without it.
“Consternation” is a big word for a little girl.
“When I had that feeling, I had to go, and wherever I ended up, trouble would be waiting.” Be more specific than “I had to go”. Go where?
So much of this is just so good. With some work I think it can be very special. Best of luck with revisions.
I really enjoy this. The voice reminds me a bit of Because of Winn-Dixie. That said, be a bit careful not to go overboard with that sumptuous Southern voice. You want us focusing on the story, not on the interesting turns of phrase.
ReplyDeleteAnother question: does this story have to take place in 1989? I sometimes think kid lit writers place their stories in the near past because that's when they were kids, instead of because the story requires it.
How much time passes between the church cursing and the bike ride? Is it the same day? And then when she's late for supper, is that because she stopped to help Tanner? I am having a little trouble following the chain of events. It might help to add a few time markers.
Finally, I love the last scene with the family all snuggled in together on Sunday morning. I think you need another sentence in the final paragraph, though - Mom calls [instead of called, right? because otherwise it seems to be referring to the prayer] Dad a natural-born storyteller. [He told us the one about X.] We laughed so hard...
Oh, and I should jump on the bandwagon and say that I love the new beginning, because I do. Nice job!
Awesome revisions!! Just a few small things:
ReplyDelete"Then she narrowed her eyes and gave him the look that Daddy says when you see it you’d better run."- Can we switch this to "that Daddy says you'd better run when you see it?" I can't decide if it's necessary or not, but how it is right now makes me stumble.
You can imagine my consternation...: The MC is a bit young to use the word consternation. Only with context clues could I figure out the meaning.
Southern voice. I think there is such a delicate balance between perfect and too much when you use such a Southern setting for a story. Look at Beautiful Creatures to get a feel for not too much. You are doing really well (I picture South Carolina because most other S states aren't that cool) except for that whoo-eee. I don't think it s necessary for the story, especially not with such a young child.
Nick- Do friends turn on each other this quickly? I suppose since they are kids, but he seems to be at least a sorta-friend and then he's calling her a curse girl. Maybe throw in a tiny piece of information that shows some possible tension. Though I do like the line about why they are friends; it adds to their relationship.
I really like this story!! Keep it coming!
Oh my gosh, this is SO great!! My first big comment at this point is that I’m having a hard time imagining setting. I have no idea what this town looks like (rural, industrial, suburban?), what the climate is like (you make one reference to heat, but I’d like more references to the heat and the noises and the smells), what specific details or people look like, etc. :)
ReplyDeleteMy second big comment has to do with the lack of clear story direction. At the end of these 5 pages, I have no clear idea of where the story is going, what the heroine’s goal is, or why I’m supposed to be invested in this story…So, what IS the story? I’m sure you know where it’s going, so can you hint at that (especially at the goals) at some point in these 5 pages?
My only other “big” comment is that I don’t understand WHY the preacher calls Lily cursed. Or why being called “curse girl” is an insult. What did she do to earn this label? Nothing about her seems *bad*…
Otherwise, my other comments are so very minor and line-level. I’m SO impressed, Jeri!!
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“The day the preacher called me cursed, his words burnt into my brain the way lightning scorches a tree. It didn’t exactly kill me, but it sure did sting.” —> Aw man, WHAT an opening line!!! So much voice!
I love this—>” I had to swallow my fear where it settled in my belly like a serving of Mama’s Brussels sprouts (no cheese). That was the day my stomach started hurting and no amount of pink Pepto-Bismol helped.”—> But I’m not totally sure WHY she’s scared. What is she afraid of? What is settling in her belly?
I’m not sure either, how having fear in her belly connects to listening to her gut—especially if it always hurts after that…?
“Michael Jordan going in for a lay-up.”—> This felt out of place to me. Obviously, if basketball is something the character is obsessed with, then this makes sense—like, if you have lots of basketball references coming. If not, though, it feels kinda like an analogy for the sake of analogy. Fewer is always better when it comes to metaphors and similes. :)
I feel like we’re getting a few too many references to backstory and thoughts. Things like, “ He could have bought a new one with the money he’d spent on his Air Jordan high-tops, but he was pretty proud to be the first boy at school to get them. His bangs flopped in his eyes until he untwisted the Nike sweat band from his wrist and tamed them.” —> That’s a great detail, but do we need it now? As a reader, I really want to get to the action—and a MG-aged reader is going to want to get their even sooner.
“Her daddy was one of the people in town who gave me “that look” - the kind that made me feel like I forgot to wash my face or had my shirt on inside out. Daddy said it would make me grow up strong, but Mama had another opinion – an opinion she said I shouldn’t repeat.”—>Again, great detail, but not the kind of detail a MG reader needs to much of. It’s slowing the action, and I’d rather get a clear visual of Belinda’s house (what color? What style? Wealthy or poor?) than the context in which Belinda’s family views our heroine. You can always give us that info once our heroine actually *goes* to the house. For now, keep the action moving forward.
“…. rode in a circle while my thoughts went round and round.”—> In a cul-de-sac? Around something? I’d like visual cues here. And throughout. :)
“Lily Kathryn Taylor, you’re led to trouble like tracks lead a freight train.”—>Again, watch out for too many analogies. They stand out, and you don’t want the language to ever stand out in a away that interferes with reading.
“My daddy was right about me and trouble. It got to be that sometimes no one wanted me around, they were so afraid of trouble coming. Except I didn’t bring trouble – it brought me. Unless the preacher was right. What if all those times I’d been rushing to help, I’d been rushing to make the bad things happen?”—> What bad things? Can you show us something instead of telling us? So far, I’m not convinced she brings bad things (or is brought to it).
Thanks to all of you for taking the time to give suggestions! This workshop has been wonderful and given me many great ideas!
ReplyDelete