Name: Benjamin Clement
Genre: Young Adult
Fantasy Adventure
Title: The Fearsome
Lumberwoods
Like a man shot, the
sun fell through a spray of red, pouring through the trees in which Douglas
wandered. When he figured there was enough forest between him and his
parents’ picnic to grant him some privacy, he undid his britches to relieve
himself into a dry creek-bed. The last breaths of the murdered sun sat as hot
and heavy as a sack of boiled potatoes on the back of Douglas’s neck. Still, he
was thankful it wasn't as bad as the summer past, when it was so hot every hen
in the county laid hard boiled eggs.
The forest unsettled
Douglas by its solitude. He hurried his business so he could get back to the
company of his parents, who hopefully had finished eating. He wasn’t enjoying
being out-of-doors, and probably would not have come along on the picnic if his
mother hadn’t promised him a birch beer. Buttoning up his britches, he felt the
creep of someone watching him. Douglas raised his head to see two black and
beady eyes starring back. The crow’s feathers rustled with a dull sheen as she
sidestepped along the branch looking down on him.
"What are you
looking at, you old crow?" Douglas shouted under his breath.
The crow cawed loudly,
like axe chops in the silent forest. Douglas flinched, and then sighed in
dismay for his weak nerves. Turning to walk back to the meadow, he found a man
leaning against a tree, his mouth cracked in a wolfish grin. Douglas would've
screamed but his heart had jumped up into the back of his throat. Instead he
leapt back, slipped, and fell into the dry creek-bed and the mud he had just
made.
The man chuckled and
said to Douglas, "Sorry to sneak up on you. Would've announced myself but
didn't want you dribbling on your slacks."
Douglas pushed himself
back up and took another step away from the man. The man’s smile widened, the
teeth in it were sharp and wet. Yellow eyes glared at Douglas, underneath a
derby wore low on the man’s head. He looked like a dog set to bite.
Unbuttoning the coat
of his brown wool suit, he stepped down into the creek-bed. “It’s a
scorcher,” he commented pulling back a collar lined with brown fur, that
matched the stubble on his cheeks and chin.
As he continued to
back away, Douglas’s heel struck the opposite embankment, sending him once more
on his backside.
"I just came to apologize,"
the man told Douglas as he picked long, dirty fingernails, sharp as cat’s
claws. "You see, I really have nothing against you personally, but Crow,
she saw some things she didn't like.” The man sighed and rolled his eyes. “I
for one don't believe you can change fate, but Crow asked me to take of you, so
here I am."
"T-take care of
me?" Douglas stammered, as he got back to his feet. "I'm f-fine,
thank you."
The man tilted his
head back and laughed in little yips like a coyote barking. Returning his eyes
to Douglas, and with a little bit of drool dripping off his lip, he said,
"Indeed."
Something shuffled
among the bushes behind Douglas. Instinctually, he whipped his head around and
immediately felt the fool for taking his eyes of the man.
"Besides, I can
never refuse getting up to a bit a mischief." He could have sworn he
felt the man’s breath in against his ear, but when Douglas looked back, he was
gone.
Twigs snapped
underneath heavy feet and Douglas turned again. A thin tree leaned to the side
with a groan, as something bumped against it. By the grunts and snorting that
came from jostling bushes, Douglas's blood froze in his veins, even though his
heart threatened to pound through his chest. Vision blurred by tears of terror,
he could make out something roughly similar to a bear, but rounder. Its fur
seemed to be missing. Only brown-black, rubbery skin stretched tight over its
rotund frame. The only hair it had were two bushy eyebrows and a tuft hanging
from its chin, dripping with spit below a mouth full of teeth that would surely
tear Douglas into thirty-two pieces with one and a half bites.
Dashing through the
grass, fear dragged through Douglas’s throat on every ragged breath. The beast
crashed through the woods behind him. Its rubbery skin gleamed slightly in the
feeble light of the early evening, and was so tight that it scarcely quivered
as it galloped nearer. Douglas's parents sat on their red blanket, in the green
meadow that seemed to stretch out forever before Douglas. He knew he'd never reach
them.
The rumble of the
chase came over the cracks and pops of Mr. Webb's fire. He glanced up to see
his son running. Knowing simply a large squirrel or a particularly bold rabbit
could have frightened the boy; he shook his head and laughed to himself. When
he saw what was quickly catching up to his son, terror washed away his smile.
Mr. Webb jumped up from his shocked wife’s side and bolted to his horse
to procure the rifle from his mount. Ichabod, Douglas’s horse, spooked by all
the sudden action, took off at a gallop.
"Douglas, to the
side!" Mr. Webb shouted, not wanting to shoot his son and save the beast
the burden of the chase.
When Douglas turned
from his aim, Mr. Webb didn’t hesitate to pull the trigger. Twelve yards away,
the bullet ricocheted off the rubbery skin of the beast and slammed back into
the stomach of Mr. Webb.
The screams of Mrs.
Webb flooded the grassy meadow then flowed between the dark trees shaking their
branches and twisting their leaves. She took a burning stick from the fire and
ran at the beast to frighten it off. Watching her run past him towards the
beast, Douglas tripped over his own feet, skidding hard on his knees and
stomach, his face plowing into the grass. He whipped around onto his back in
time to see his mother hurl the flaming stick at the beast. When the flame
touched the beast, its skin burned as if it were drenched in kerosene and
erupted into a fireball. Douglas's mother turned back to look at her son before
she was consumed by the rush of flame.
A powerful gust of air
lifted Douglas from the ground. The world roared and tumbled around him. He
could see the ground, the sky and then the trees, but upside down and hanging
from the grass. The confusion of it all faded away into blackness.
Ichabod snorting in his
ear had awoke Douglas, that much he remembered. He recalled looking for his
mother but only found a small crater of dark brown dirt. He did find his father
— his stomach was bleeding so much, and somehow got him mounted up on Ichabod.
How he got back home, Douglas had no idea, he wasn’t even sure he knew the way.
Helen, the housemaid, had wailed for a while before she ran to fetch Dr. Lyle.
An eternity passed as he held his father’s hand crying, until Helen pushed him
from the room as the doctor got to work. Sitting on the ground, burying his
head in crossed arms, he caught up with the world around him. When the
intermittent screams behind the door stopped, Douglas sobbed at the damning
silence.
I definitely was holding my breathe as Douglas was running from the rubbery beast. The first five pages leave so many questions...why is Douglas safe? What is that beast? Was it the guy with the sharp teeth? Part of me wanted to care that his parents had died saving him, but they weren't developed, so I had no connection to them. Is that intentional? So the reader doesn't freak out because half of the characters died within the first pages? Many great descriptions, and a few over-used phrases, "blood boiling" etc.
ReplyDeleteHi, Benjamin,
ReplyDeleteThanks for submitting your pages to the workshop.
This is interesting, and seems like a heroic quest story, of which there are so many great ones. To enter into that crowded field your work must stand head and shoulders above all the derivative stuff that agents see every day.
I really didn’t feel myself connecting to these pages as much as I wanted to. I think that can be fixed, however, if you agree.
Polish every paragraph and make sure it’s the best it can be before moving on to the next one. I felt that in the opening paragraph, and throughout the pages, there was too much description, which can be a turn off.
The last breaths of the murdered sun sat as hot and heavy as a sack of boiled potatoes on the back of Douglas’s neck. That is a REALLY NICE LINE, BUT...
We already got the reference to sun and heat in your first sentence, so this one is unnecessary. Or just choose one of them. Actually, that is a great opening line, too.
I think your opening sentence could be clearer by losing “Like a man shot.” Perhaps:
The sun fell through a spray of red, pouring through the trees in which Douglas wandered.
I’m sure you’ve probably heard the advice of Show don’t tell. For instance: The forest unsettled Douglas by its solitude. How did it unsettle him? The creaking branches, the wind sighing through the leaves, the hair rising on the back of his neck. Root out these passages and see if you can add some descriptive flow to them. Remember, less is more when describing things.
The crow’s feathers rustled with a dull sheen as she sidestepped along the branch looking down on him.
Is the crow a she? How does Douglas or your inner narrator know that? Perhaps make the crow an “it.” We can learn the gender once the mysterious stranger starts talking about it. By saying “she” now, it sounds like you’re talking about Douglas being a she, which threw me.
The man tilted his head back and laughed in little yips like a coyote barking. Returning his eyes to Douglas…Wait. Did he just hand Douglas his eyes?
(I do stuff like this all the time, Benjamin, and my critique partners bust me.)
"What are you looking at, you old crow?" Douglas shouted under his breath.
I’m not sure you can shout under your breath. Maybe hissed, or muttered?
Its fur seemed to be missing. Only brown-black, rubbery skin stretched tight over its rotund frame. The only hair it had were was two bushy eyebrows and a tuft hanging from its chin, dripping with spit below a mouth full of teeth that would surely tear Douglas into thirty-two pieces with one and a half bites.
I really liked this paragraph. The rhythm, the voice, the way the words sit on the page. THAT, is what I want more of.
I liked this also:
The screams of Mrs. Webb flooded the grassy meadow then flowed between the dark trees shaking their branches and twisting their leaves. She took a burning stick from the fire and ran at the beast to frighten it off. Watching her run past him towards the beast, Douglas tripped over his own feet, skidding hard on his knees and stomach, his face plowing into the grass. He whipped around onto his back in time to see his mother hurl the flaming stick at the beast. When the flame touched the beast, its skin burned as if it were drenched in kerosene and erupted into a fireball. Douglas's mother turned back to look at her son before she was consumed by the rush of flame.
A powerful gust of air lifted Douglas from the ground. The world roared and tumbled around him. He could see the ground, the sky and then the trees, but upside down and hanging from the grass. The confusion of it all faded away into blackness.
I’d lose a few "beasts" in the above scene, but overall, it’s pretty good.
So my advice is this: try not to over-describe. Read your dialogue aloud. And try to show more than tell. I think this could turn into something really good, and I already get a feel for Douglas and his lack of confidence and skill. I’m looking forward to your next round. I hope this is helpful.
Benjamin, welcome to First Five Pages!
ReplyDeleteYou have a wonderful way with words. Your descriptions are strong and catch a reader's attention. There is also plenty of action in this opening, definitely enough to make reader's curious.
Here are some of my thoughts:
Your descriptions in the opening paragraph are wonderful...very visual. I'm wondering if you might want to rearrange some sentences to make it stronger. Or shorten sentences.
The word "britches" made me think this is historical, but it's not, right? Perhaps it's fantasy with historical references, which is fine. I just want to make sure it's in the right context.
Douglas shouts under his breath. I think it would work better if he either mutters under his breath or shouts.
There are moments of stage direction that can be deleted. For instance, instead of "raised his head to see" you can just write "Two black and beady eyes..." Know what I mean?
A quickie character issue. The man at first sounds nice to Douglas, but the description of his seems like anything but nice. I think this works fine...it's actually interesting when a character's actions don't necessarily match the description. But if that's the case, I'd make Douglas confused. Like, how can this creepy guy be acting nice? Sinister man is being nice. Why?
Picky thing...missing the word "care" when the man first mentions the crow.
More about the crow. If the crow doesn't like Douglas, why would he ask the man to take care of him? If there's mystery to that portion of the story, that's fine, but perhaps the man should mention that glitch or Douglas can wonder about it. And he can also wonder how in the heck a crow can decide who a man should care about and how a man communicates with a crow. Is the man crazy? Douglas can have these internal thoughts.
When Douglas is running from the beast, I think it's an excellent place to add additional fear using sensory details and internal thought. Make us fear for his life. Does the beast get close enough to breath on Douglas' neck? Does that breath have a rank smell? Does the air of the approaching beast whoosh on Douglas' back?
There's a bit a head-hopping with Mr. Webb. We should only know what Douglas sees and hears, and only what Douglas thinks. Show us Dad's fear through dialogue and facial expressions, also his actions.
Finally, I think it would really humanize Douglas if he's wracked with worry and emotion when he sees his dad get shot and his mom burned. Let's experience that shock with him.
Overall an excellent start to what seems like a thrilling adventure. Nicely done!
Hi Benjamin! Let's see what we've got here...
ReplyDeleteYou've got some wonderful turns of phrase in the opening paragraph, but I think we get a little bit bogged down in description. You've already established in your opening line that it's wickedly hot outside - I'd rather get on with the action than be told about the heat two more times. Save all that wonderful, poetic prose for later.
Right off the bat, I get a feeling that this is taking place sometime in the past - the whole thing has a very 'William Faulkner' 1930s feel to it, especially the boy buttoning his 'britches'. When is this taking place.
I'm not quite sure how Douglas manages to shout under his breath - maybe a mutter or something might be more appropriate. His reaction to this crow seems a little bit over-the-top - why is he shouting at the bird just for being there?
I love this line here - "The crow cawed loudly, like axe chops in the silent forest." Really nice. In the rest of that paragraph, though, we see Douglas go through three emotional shifts - he's flinching, he's beating himself up for his weakness, and then he's afraid. It's hard to get a handle on who he is as a character when we get such rapid-fire reactions from him. A little bit of insight into his mental state would be fantastic.
The introduction of the strange man is really, really well done. The imagery, the dialogue and the overall tone, interspersed with Douglas' reactions, really paint a picture of this character as sinister, powerful and otherworldly. I really want to learn more about this character.
I like that Douglas doesn't know what he means by 'take care of', it shows me that Douglas might be sheltered or just naive. I did want the man to reply with more than just indeed', though; he seems like a guy with a clever comeback.
"Besides, I can never refuse getting up to a bit a mischief." - Initially thought it was Douglas saying this line. Threw me for a loop.
Some of the phrases you use to describe Douglas' reactions to things - his heart leaping into his throat, blood froze in his veins, heart pounding out of his chest - flirt with being cliches. You use a great image of his vision blurred by tears of terror, so I know you can come up with new, creative reactions.
The description of the beast is wonderful. Extremely creepy. Resident Evil-worthy, even.
"fear dragged through Douglas’s throat on every ragged breath." - This is also a great line.
Everything after the parents' death seems a little bit sudden and jarring. I want to live this experience with Douglas - what does he remember when he first wakes up. He must be sore or stiff from his fall, how does that feel for him? What does he feel when he first lays eyes on his father. This is a powerful moment for Douglas, and since the parents died before I got a chance to care about them, I think you should really milk that grief a little more.
Just my thoughts! Awesome job, Benjamin!
Wow - what a powerful start! That first line is spectacular (if I may suggest one thing - changing it to 'The sun fell through a spray of red like a man shot" - but either way it's a fantastic image) as is the 'murdered sun' - stunning visuals. Very disturbing, too, which is my favorite. I was wondering a bit about 'shouting under his breath' - I couldn't quite imagine how that would sound. There's a very physical feel to your writing - the heat of the fire, the sharpness of colors, and I'm wondering if adding some of the scents of the forest or even the people - how does that creepy man smell? How about his breath, if Douglas can feel it, I'm sure he can smell it - this would definitely add another dimension to his fear and desperation. I agree with Janel that the movement following his search for his mother (how long did this take? where did he look? how did he feel when he only found the crater of dirt?) and his return home with his injured father on his horse is rather quick, and while he does have trouble remembering, it would help to have a bit more on the emotional aspect of what he's experiencing, especially when his father stops screaming and he knows he's dead. When he catches up with the world around him - describe this. What does that entail, both through his senses and his emotions? I would love to read more of this story - I hope you've written more and that it will eventually be available to read - this is exactly my kind of story.
ReplyDeleteHi Ben--
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your writing. I'm going to start by admitting that I'm kind of a literal reader and I'm not sure if there's something supernatural going on in your first couple of sentences or if this is just a very poetic description of sunset. I think it's the latter, but "murdered sun" kind of made me question it. Despite my denseness, I do think there is a lot of beautiful figurative language in these pages that definitely paints a vivid picture of the setting. I also love how much action and adventure you've managed to cram into your first few pages. This is definitely a fast-paced read.
I'm wondering how old Douglas is, and whether this is a historical story? I know this is marked YA, but some of Douglas's thoughts (wanting a birch beer) and his responses (the way he talks to the crow, the way he would've screamed at the appearance of the man, the way his dad says he's probably scared of a rabbit) makes him feel more like 11 or 12 years old to me. This also feels historical due to the title, the mention of "britches", "housemaid", and "derby," as well as the dialogue in places. You might want to clarify things if my assumptions are way off.
Another thing to clarify is the point of view. We start and spend most of the pages in Douglas's head but then we switch to his father's head. You can write in omniscient narration if you want, but when authors do that they usually show us several characters thoughts (The 39 Clues Series is a good example), not just two. It's not that common in YA and can be a bit jarring for readers. If you're going to do it, I recommend reading some other modern books that use the technique as a guide.
The fact that Douglas didn't know how he got home was a little vexing for me, because it feels like author shorthand, like maybe you're not sure how Douglas could've gotten his dad home in that condition so you just skipped it. Maybe show Douglas recovering from his scare, strapping Dad to Ichabod and sending the horse home in front of him or similar? That way we see your MC stepping up and we have immediate reason to like and respect him.
One thing I noticed prose-wise is that you use a lot of unusual sentence structures, a couple of which have misplaced modifiers. Varying structure is good, but subject-verb-object sentences are the strongest for a reason, and I some of the other commenters recommended a change from leading with a dependent clause to SVO structure. Just something to think about.
I loved the setting and action here and thought you built up a lot of tension in these early pages. The monster description was also very scary and well-done and I look forward to reading more.