Name: Nicole Zoltack
Genre: Middle Grade Fantasy Adventure
Title: A Royal Treasure Hunt
Chapter One - A Royal Adventure
Princess Cassandra's horse thundered along the blue grassy path. With a whoop, she glanced over her shoulder. Far behind her, like always. Probably worried they'd get caught adventuring with her instead of doing their chores on their father's farm. But what could be more fun than finding a phoenix?
She stopped her horse. "Come on, Kylie, Vance!"
"It's not fair," Vance grumbled. "Our horse has to carry two of us." He tsked with his tongue. "Horse thief."
Sitting behind him on their horse, his sister covered her mouth as she giggled.
"I'm not a thief. I'll bring the horse back like I always do." Cassandra crossed her arms, still holding onto the reins. "Hurry. We don't have all day."
She wished they did. If she was late for the midday meal again, her mother would be furious and might even follow through on her threat to take away Cassandra's bestiary. After all, the reason why she and her friends sneaked out of Sun Haven so much was because they wanted to see all of the creatures in Bouldergazer's Bestiary: A Compendia of Magical Creatures. Half a year and no signs of an imp or golem anywhere. They'd never give up though. Looking was just too much fun.
Well, sure, they'd see a few fairies and pixies, but they were common. The other creatures were far more elusive and that much more alluring.
Flicking her wrist, Cassandra urged her horse forward and weaved through the trees until the forest of black-trunked trees ended. She pulled back on the reins. Below, the green water of the Falls churned through the narrow gorge.
Today was far too glorious a day to be wasted watching water flow. She called over her shoulder, "Let's race to see who can find a magical creature first."
"Hurry, Vance," Kylie begged.
"Sh," Cassandra warned. "We don't want to scare any away."
She glanced at the water again. A long slender emerald tail broke the surface of the foamy crashing waves. Too large to belong to a fish, almost longer than her, the tail flicked toward her, as if waving. It quickly disappeared beneath the teal water again.
She gasped. Could it be? A mermaid?
"Come." Cassandra tried to guide her horse down the graveled terrain, careful to avoid the jagged rocks intricately carved by her ancestors eons ago. Stones scattered away from her horse's hooves, their progress slow, her mount constantly backed up. Impatient, she halted her horse and waited for her friends to catch up. "I saw a mermaid."
"Mermaids aren't supposed to swim near here," Vance scoffed.
Cassandra put her hands on her hips. "I know what I saw."
"Where was she?" Kylie asked, her blue eyes sparkling. Even Vance was grinning.
Cassandra pointed. "Do you think we can convince her to give us a tear?"
"Maybe the tear'll allow us to fly," Vance wondered. Their workhorse did not appreciate the steep descent down the side of the Falls either, and the siblings slid off.
"Or breathe underwater," Kylie guessed. She was Cassandra's age, twelve, but Vance was three years older. Despite their age difference, the siblings looked enough alike to be twins with their red hair, blue eyes, and fair skin that sunburned during the summer months. Even their stances were identical: standing tall with wrinkled noses, crossed arms, and matching smiles.
"Or…" Cassandra trailed off as she spied another horse, this one farther down the path. It moved about with ease. When it turned toward the water, she saw its head. And its horn.
Vance and Kylie were still guessing what a tear might do. She tapped their shoulders and pointed.
"Oh," Kylie breathed. "It's beautiful."
The unicorn looked as if it had been dipped in silver. With strong legs and a flowing mane, the unicorn was the most beautiful creature Cassandra had ever seen.
The horned animal watched Cassandra approach and did not back up as her trembling hand brushed against his fur. So soft, so smooth. Perfect.
"Are you sure it's smart to touch a unicorn?" Vance asked from behind her.
"We should have brought the book with us," Kylie said.
Cassandra ignored them. The unicorn made a sound almost like a purr. He lowered his head. Its silver spiral horn called out to her, and she reached to touch it.
Before she could, the unicorn reared up onto its hind legs, its raised legs churning, more restless than the waves. She froze until Vance shoved her out of the way.
But he didn't move fast enough.
The unicorn came down onto all fours, on top of Vance. He screamed. Pebbles tumbled around them as his cry bounced against the rocks. After swinging its head, the unicorn raced away.
Oh no! Cassandra climbed to her feet—Vance had knocked her into a bush in his haste to save her—and ran to his side. Each pump of her heart felt like a punch to her chest. "Vance, I'm sorry. We never should have come down here. I never should have touched the unicorn… I'm so sorry."
Vance's body looked broken. Through his torn clothing, she could already see bruises forming on his chest and stomach, and his one leg seemed swollen. He maneuvered himself up into an almost seated position, turned to the side, was sick, and lay back down again.
Kylie tried to help him up once more. Vance screamed again. Sweated covered his forehead. He closed his eyes, his lips a straight line.
Cassandra wiped her tears away and stood beside Kylie. "Don't worry, Vance, we'll bring you home."
Vance's pale skin was whiter than normal. His freckles seemed to jump off his nose as he jerked his head from side to side. "I… just want…" His voice was breathless.
"Vance!" The fright in Kylie's voice made Cassandra want to start crying again.
A few tears trickled down Vance's face, his eyes closed, and she had to glance away. She had never seen him cry before, never wanted to see him cry again.
Cassandra patted his hand then hurried to her horse. In her haste, she stumbled over a tree root. Dirt covered her mouth, and she spat it out. From a saddlebag, she removed a blanket and rushed back to Vance's side.
"Here." She handed one end to Kylie, and they laid the brown blanket onto the ground. It took the girls several tries before they could shimmy a sweating, screaming Vance on top of it.
His left leg puffed up, as if someone had blown air into it. It turned inward, like the lame beggar who walked in the marketplace, with his leg trailing uselessly behind him.
He reached toward the injured leg. "I can't feel it. Or move it."
Cassandra and Kylie shared a worried glance.
Before they could respond, he struggled to sit up once more.
"Let me help," Kylie offered.
"I'm fine!" Vance snapped, but he swayed and started to fall back onto the blanket. Kylie caught him. He glanced at her sheepishly.
Cassandra bit her lower lip as more sweat formed on his face. Kylie used a large leaf to wipe his face of vomit and dirt. He was so pale, too pale.
"We have to get you to the Healers," she said.
Vance snorted. "We don't have enough copper to pay them."
The princess nodded miserably. The kingdom's Healers were the best in all of Sun Haven. Gold, silver, jewelry—their services came with a steep price.
If only I had something to pay them with!
First Five Pages Writing Workshop: Jump Start Your Novel and Career
Nicely done. there's a lot more voice, particularly at the beginning (though the narrator seems to have less personality at the end). Just a couple more things.
ReplyDelete1. I like how you inject personality through dialogue, such as the two calling her a "horse thief." Nicely done.
2. Some of your dialogue confuses me because you don't follow conventions. Example:
Today was far too glorious a day to be wasted watching water flow. She called over her shoulder, "Let's race to see who can find a magical creature first."
"Hurry, Vance," Kylie begged.
Here, you have Cassie and Kylie speaking in the same paragraph (unless it's just an error in copying and pasting, in which case, ignore my suggestion).
3. A bit wordy at times. Examples:
*"Impatient, she halted her horse and waited for her friends to catch up." Just omit "to catch up." It's obvious what she's waiting for.
*"Vance asked from behind her." I'd omit "from behind her." I think we already know he's behind, but even if we didn't, is it necessary?
*"The unicorn came down on all fours." Just omit "on all fours." It's implied.
*A few tears trickled down Vance's face, his eyes closed, and she had to glance away. She had never seen him cry before, never wanted to see him cry again.--This is overexplaining. You've already showed her glancing away. I think the reader can imply why she's doing it. This is showing AND telling. I'd pick one.
I find the best way to tackle wordiness is to aim for cutting 10% off of each chapter. It helps you search for stuff that isn't necessary.
4. The beginning is great, but everything after the accident drags a bit. It seems like you're saying the same thing over and over. I'd just move on to the next point.
Nicely done!
Dustin has already given you several great suggestions, and I agree with him on all of them—especially the part about trying to take away 10% of the first chapter.
ReplyDeleteI have a couple other ideas, take or leave--
1. There were a couple of places where I thought you were dumping too much information. I can’t remember whose advice it was to stay away from was’s and were’s, but it helped me a lot and you have several in the following two passages:
She wished they did. If she was late for the midday meal again, her mother would be furious and might even follow through on her threat to take away Cassandra's bestiary. After all, the reason why she and her friends sneaked out of Sun Haven so much was because they wanted to see all of the creatures in Bouldergazer's Bestiary: A Compendia of Magical Creatures. Half a year and no signs of an imp or golem anywhere. They'd never give up though. Looking was just too much fun.
Well, sure, they'd see a few fairies and pixies, but they were common. The other creatures were far more elusive and that much more alluring.
She was Cassandra's age, twelve, but Vance was three years older. Despite their age difference, the siblings looked enough alike to be twins with their red hair, blue eyes, and fair skin that sunburned during the summer months. Even their stances were identical: standing tall with wrinkled noses, crossed arms, and matching smiles.
I wonder if you could weave this information into other places…
2. The scene where Vance gets hurt is inconsistent to me. On the one hand, I envisioned him as an older teen, kind of tough, so all of the screaming seems out of character. I wonder if it would be more effective to show him gritting his teeth, grimacing, clenching his muscles, catching his breath….it depends on how you want to portray him, and maybe he’s a screamer--☺
3, If the big problem is that he’s hurt and the rest of the story has to do with helping him, then I wonder about more foreshadowing to set up the tension. I didn’t get that going down there was a huge problem, other than being late for dinner. The violence of the unicorn surprised me. I wonder about setting the reader up to be a little more uneasy with the whole situation before the hooves came crashing down.
Good luck with it—the world that you are creating and the sense of place and time are working really well!
Thanks for all of the help with my piece, as well!
Melanie
Hi Nicole,
ReplyDeleteThis is really coming along! You have a strong adventurous main character that immediately interests the reader. The voice rings out very strong initially, but at times it slips – it becomes too old or a bit explainey. (I find reading my pages out loud really helps with that.) A couple of times I thought you could be clearer. In paragraph 1, “far behind her, like always” was confusing. Tell us who is behind her, and give the reader a quick visual. I also wondered why Cassandra was looking for another bestiary if she had her own. Why is this one so special? What’s in hers? How can her mother take it away?
If finding certain animals is so rare they’ve barely found a thing in 6 months, perhaps concentrate on the unicorn and not the mermaid. She doesn’t really serve a purpose at this point, so keep the focus on the beautiful and dangerous unicorn. I also would like more descriptions of this magical place, so that I can visualize it.
You are off to a great start with your plucky heroine. Good luck!
Hi!!! So glad I got to read your first five as a guest mentor this week! :D
ReplyDeleteGreat story. Love the use of magical beasts and a strong-willed girl.
In the opening, "Far behind her, like always." Feels like it's missing a sentence. Who? What? Maybe, "Where were Kylie and Vance?" Then she glances and answers. Or something like that.
I don't think the info-dumpy paragraph about her mom and the bestiaries is necessary - especially this early. Just a couple of quick mentions dripped. Like, she glances at the sun in the sky and thinks of her mom being upset again. Maybe she sees some kind of fairy on the way and thinks of her bestiary but dismisses it because she's seen those before, they're looking for something better now.. Etc. That way it's more in the moment and flows naturally. It will also make the piece itself feel more in the moment.
along that vein, add a bit of description of this awesome world! Try to use all the senses when you do. A little goes a long way.
Slow down the moment Vance is hit. Add a more uncertain feeling about the unicorn first too. Then speed up the aftermath to make it feel more urgent. You can always play with time. The moment when she stumbles and tastes dirt is great but it feels separate, like it's important to the story and I don't think it is.
You had me unicorn. I've always loved them and would've been all over this book when I was MG age. Good job and good luck!!