Name: Nicole Zoltack
Genre: Middle Grade Fantasy Adventure
Title: A Royal Treasure Hunt
Chapter One - A Royal Adventure
Princess Cassandra's horse thundered along the blue grassy path. With
a whoop, she glanced over her shoulder. Her friends never could keep
up with her. They only had an hour before their father would be
looking for them to help with the farming chores, and she couldn't
risk being late for the midday meal. Again. It was now or never. She
stopped her horse. "Come on, Kylie, Vance!"
"It's not fair," Vance grumbled. "Our horse has to carry two of us."
He tsked with his tongue. "Horse thief."
Sitting behind him on their horse, his sister covered her mouth as she giggled.
"I'm not a thief. I'll bring the horse back like I always do."
Cassandra crossed her arms, still holding onto the reins. "Hurry. We
don't have all day."
She wished they did. Ever since they had decided to find all of the
creatures in Bouldergazer's Bestiary: A Compendia of Magical
Creatures, they'd been sneaking out of Sun Haven every chance they
could. Four long months and no signs of a fairy or a phoenix anywhere.
Hopefully, today would change all that. How lucky she had been to be
born in the Land of Wonder! Humans of the Seven Continents thought the
creatures she and her friends sought were only myths.
Flicking her wrist, Cassandra urged her horse forward and weaved
through the trees until the forest of black-trunked trees ended. She
pulled back on the reins. Below, the green water of the Falls churned
through the narrow gorge, seemingly desperate to escape.
Today was far too glorious a day to be wasted watching water flow. She
called over her shoulder, "Let's race to see who can find a magical
creature first."
"Hurry, Vance," Kylie urged.
"Sh," Cassandra warned. "We don't want to scare any away."
Before she could urge her horse forward, she watched the foamy
crashing waves for a moment longer. A long slender emerald tail broke
the surface. Too large to belong to a fish, almost longer than her,
the tail flicked toward her, as if waving. It quickly disappeared
beneath the teal water again.
She gasped. Could it be? A mermaid?
"Come." Cassandra tried to guide her horse down the graveled terrain,
careful to avoid the jagged rocks intricately carved by her ancestors
eons ago. Stones scattered away from her horse's hooves. No matter how
she urged the horse, the going was slow, and he constantly backed up.
Impatience grew within her as she halted her horse and waited for her
friends to catch up. "I saw a mermaid."
"Oh!" Kylie sat up straight in the saddle.
"Mermaids aren't supposed to swim near here," Kylie's brother scoffed.
"Are you sure you saw one?"
Cassandra put her hands on her hips. "Yes."
"Where was she?" Kylie asked, her blue eyes sparkling. Even Vance was grinning.
Cassandra pointed. "Down there. Do you think we can convince her to
give us a tear?"
Mermaid tears were said be magical, with each tear having a different
property even if shed from the same eye.
"Maybe it'll allow us to fly," Vance wondered. Their workhorse did not
appreciate the steep descent down the side of the Falls either, and
the siblings slid off.
"Or breathe underwater," Kylie guessed. She was Cassandra's age,
twelve, but Vance was three years older. Despite their age difference,
the siblings looked enough alike to be twins with their red hair, blue
eyes, and fair skin that sunburned during the summer months. Even
their stances were identical: standing tall with wrinkled noses,
crossed arms, and matching smiles.
"Or…" Cassandra trailed off as she spied another horse, this one
farther down the path. This one moved about with ease. It turned
toward the water, and she gasped. A horn. Not a horse, but a unicorn!
Vance and Kylie were still guessing what a tear might do. She tapped
their shoulders and pointed.
"Oh," Kylie breathed. "It's beautiful."
The unicorn looked as if it had been dipped in silver. With strong
legs and a flowing mane, the unicorn was the most beautiful creature
Cassandra had ever seen.
Her gaze on the unicorn and not her feet, she made her way to the
creature. He watched her approach and did not back up as her trembling
hand brushed against his fur. So soft, so smooth. Perfect.
"Are you sure it's smart to touch a unicorn?" Vance asked from behind her.
"We should have brought the book with us," Kylie said.
Cassandra ignored them. The unicorn made a sound almost like a purr.
He lowered his head. Its silver spiral horn called out to her, and she
reached to touch it.
Before she could, the unicorn reared up onto its hind legs, its raised
legs churning, more restless than the waves. She froze until Vance
shoved her out of the way.
But he didn't move fast enough.
The unicorn came down onto all fours, on top of Vance. He screamed.
Pebbles tumbled around them as his cry bounced against the rocks.
After swinging its head from side to side, the unicorn raced away and
soon disappeared from sight.
Oh no! Cassandra climbed to her feet—Vance had knocked her into a bush
in his haste to save her—and ran to his side. Each pump of her heart
felt like a punch to her chest. "Vance! I'm sorry! We never should
have come down here. I never should have suggested a race or touched
the unicorn… It was a stupid idea. I'm so sorry."
Vance's body looked broken. Through his torn clothing, she could
already see bruises forming on his chest and stomach, and his one leg
seemed swollen. He maneuvered himself up into an almost seated
position, turned to the side, was sick, and lay back down again.
Kylie tried to help him up once more. Vance screamed again. Sweated
covered his forehead. He closed his eyes, his lips a straight line.
Cassandra wiped her tears away and stood beside Kylie. "Don't worry,
Vance, we'll bring you home."
Vance's pale skin was whiter than normal. His freckles seemed to jump
off his nose as he jerked his head from side to side. "I… just want…"
His head rolled to the side, and his eyes closed.
"Vance!" The fright in Kylie's voice made Cassandra want to start crying again.
A few tears trickled down Vance's face, his eyes still closed, and she
had to glance away. She had never seen him cry before, never wanted to
see him cry again.
Cassandra patted his hand then hurried to her horse. In her haste, she
stumbled over a tree root. Dirt covered her mouth, and she spat it
out. From a saddlebag, she removed a blanket and rushed back to
Vance's side.
"Here." She handed one end to Kylie, and they laid the brown blanket
onto the ground. It took the girls several tries before they could
shimmy a sweating, screaming Vance on top of it.
His left leg didn't look right. Already bruises were forming and it
puffed up, as if someone had blown air into it. It turned inward, like
the lame beggar who walked in the marketplace, with his leg trailing
uselessly behind him.
He reached toward the injured leg. "I can't feel it. Or move it."
Cassandra and Kylie shared a worried glance.
Before they could respond, he struggled to sit up once more.
"Let me help you," Kylie offered.
"I'm fine!"
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ReplyDeleteNicely done. I love your descriptions. They're enough to give me an image without bogging down the narrative.
I also love your opening line: "Princess Cassandra's horse thundered along the blue grassy path. With a whoop, she glanced over her shoulder." That firmly grounds me with expectations of what your character is like--fun-loving, perhaps a bit brash.
A couple thoughts on ways you can improve it.
1. Is the mermaid bit necessary? I get the impression they've been searching for eons, yet they see two magical creatures in the same outing? Since nothing came of the mermaid bit, I'm wondering if you want to focus on the unicorn.
2. I think you can develop your voice a bit. Inject some personality. For example: "Her friends never could keep up with her. They only had an hour before their father would be looking for them to help with the farming chores, and she couldn't risk being late for the midday meal. Again. It was now or never. She stopped her horse." This reads a bit flat. But if you did something like, "They'd never keep up, the pansies. Always fretting over chores and their grumpy old father's curfew. This! This was far more important. Yes, today, they would find a blue-horned toad or perhaps a beautiful mermaid, with long orange hair and shimmering complexion."
3. Beware the info-dump. (Note, I'm being extremely picky here. This is me searching for a third thing because this flowed so well). There's a couple times where the narrative came across as a whisper to the reader rather than something the MC would actually be thinking. Example: "Mermaid tears were said be magical, with each tear having a different property even if shed from the same eye." This is a tough one, one that I struggle with. Often time, these are better hinted at than told outright. Maybe she can talk, not about what a tear does, but about what it's used for. Maybe she's hoping to extract a tear and maybe this one would grant her a million wishes. Or perhaps it would change the color of her dress. See how this conveys the same information without taking a break from narrative or characterization? In either case, if you do #2, it will help with #3. It rarely sounds like an info-dump if it is used with a lot of voice.
Anyhow, I hope that helps!
Hi,
ReplyDeleteOverall, I agree with many of Dustin's comments. The first line definitely establishes a sense of Princess Cassandra, and the setting descriptions that you weave in throughout the text are really effective at letting us know what the world is like.
A couple of things:
I was really caught off guard with the violence of the unicorn and I wondered about building that up a bit, although I'm not sure from just this part if the focus of the story is going to be about getting Vance home safely or trying to see all the mythical creatures. Depending on what the answer is, I wonder about changes that would be made. For example, if it's about the injury and getting him home, then you might want to stretch out the part where the unicorn rears and lands on him...
Also, I wasn’t sure what was at stake. You wrote it was now or never, but I wasn’t sure what the it was. I’m assuming it has to do with the following passage:
She wished they did. Ever since they had decided to find all of the
creatures in Bouldergazer's Bestiary: A Compendia of Magical
Creatures, they'd been sneaking out of Sun Haven every chance they
could. Four long months and no signs of a fairy or a phoenix anywhere.
Hopefully, today would change all that. How lucky she had been to be
born in the Land of Wonder! Humans of the Seven Continents thought the
creatures she and her friends sought were only myths.
But, I did not understand what was important about finding all of the creatures. What will happen if they do, and what will happen if they don’t?
I definitely want to know if Vance is going to be okay, but his injuries confused me. He was screaming, but he was also almost unconscious. I think that most 15 year old boys would work hard not to scream, but that’s just my two cents.
All of the pieces intrigue me, but I am not sure what to pay the most attention to--maybe you’ve done this purposely in order to set up some complex pieces. I am looking forward to see the revisions!
Thank you for your comments on my piece--they were really helpful! I hope that mine help you, as well.
Melanie
This sounds like a really fun read. I agree with the others that you set up Princess Cassandra's personality perfectly. She sounds like a girl I'd want to read about :) your writing is very strong as well.
ReplyDeleteI thought your voice was pretty solid--though, at times it felt a little less mature than other times. I was thrown off by things like "Could it be? A mermaid?" and "Not a horse, but a unicorn!" and "Oh no!" Those read like lines a parent snuggled up to their child would add for flare while reading a bedtime story. Cute! But young :)
I was a little confused about their purpose out in the forest. They've been out for months but they've never seen any mythical creature? Then this one time, they end up seeing two? It feels convenient. Is there a reason they haven't met any other mythical creatures yet? Could they have met one or two already--or at least spotted them? Or, by chance, does she not really see a mermaid but she's just too eager and thinks she does?
I agree with Dustin that sometimes I felt the information you were giving us wasn't necessary. The mermaid, for instance. On the other hand, there are times where I would've liked more information--the unicorn. I would've liked more warning about the unicorn's penchant for stomping on people :) I think if you could direct these bits of information to streamline the purpose of the scene, I think this could be stronger.
Last, I would've liked to feel some sort of conflict a little earlier. They sneak out--are they afraid of getting caught? Do they need to get back home by a certain time? What about danger in the forest? Wolves? Bandits? Cassandra's a princess...so I imagine there would at least be someone who'd be in charge of her person.
I feel like there's a lot of potential here, and there are some really great things here already. As I mentioned, strong writing, an MG voice, an interesting MC, and there are unicorns so that's always a plus (are there dragons too? I hope there are dragons too). I'm looking forward to your revisions :)
Good luck!
Hi Nicole,
ReplyDeleteReally nice job introducing us to your protagonist – a gutsy adventurous girl in a land filled with magical creatures. You have already received great comments here, and I agree with these critiques. I would advise going back and reading this out loud several times – the voice seems to shift from a bit young – to almost a narrator explaining the world. Also, let us know the stakes right off the bat. Is leaving Sun Haven dangerous? (It would appear so!) Why is it forbidden to leave? Why are they looking for these magical creatures? Is there some greater purpose than curiosity?
If you give the reader high stakes, the tension will automatically follow. Also, I was wondering why she goes to help her father with chores if she is a Princess. Maybe she could have an interior thought about that to let the reader know why. Your descriptions are lovely, and so visual, and that is hard to nail – so great job with that!
Good luck with revising, I look forward to reading next week!
Hi Nicole,
ReplyDeleteYou've already received some great comments so mine might feel a bit repetitive but bear with me.
I agree with what some people have said about the voice here. It feels a bit young, even for middle grade. Admittedly, MG isn't my wheelhouse but I feel like this could use a touch more sophistication. You're writing for children but you don't want it to seem like you're talking down to them either. And I think developing that voice will help the reader get a better sense of Cassandra as a character rather than as a narrator delivering plot to them.
I think there are a few things you can do in terms of writing mechanics to help in that arena like watching out for overuse of adverbs, repetitious phrasing, and a reliance on exclamation points. For example, there are three !'s in this paragraph:
"Oh no! Cassandra climbed to her feet—Vance had knocked her into a bush
in his haste to save her—and ran to his side. Each pump of her heart
felt like a punch to her chest. "Vance! I'm sorry! We never should
have come down here. I never should have suggested a race or touched
the unicorn… It was a stupid idea. I'm so sorry.""
And there are some word echoes here:
"Hurry, Vance," Kylie urged.
"Sh," Cassandra warned. "We don't want to scare any away."
Before she could urge her horse forward, she watched the foamy
crashing waves for a moment longer.
And unnecessary adverb usage here:
No matter how she urged the horse, the going was slow, and he constantly backed up.
There's a lot of action in this scene, which isn't necessarily bad, but I feel as though it's coming at the expense of developing your characters and the world. I don't really have a sense for what kind of place these kids inhabit and that makes it a bit difficult to emotionally invest in the scene. Likewise, I'm not quite sure what the stakes are. I just feel like I need a little more foundation to go on before we get into all the action. It's good, but it could use some fleshing out.
Good luck!
Oh, my! So sorry I'm late. Been having computer issues. But this is about Nicole, so moving on...
ReplyDeleteLet me begin by saying you've created a nice middle grade tone in this piece. I sense the innocent yet playful energy of these characters. You open with nice action and adventure too, which is always welcomed in MG.
Something minor: In that first paragraph, you mention the her friends could never keep up with her then you say that their father would be looking for them. I had to read it a couple times, because using their father made me think they weren't just friends but siblings.
I don't want to be redundant with comments either, especially because I'm late. I do agree with skimming out a little unnecessary information as the others suggested. Keep with this action and leave that for later, if you even need it at all. And, getting back to the tone - which I like, but I agree with the others that you could add a little more individuality to the characters by spicing up the dialog and adding some where there is flat description of action.
Looking forward to reading your revision!