Name: Jessica Silva
Genre: Young Adult sci-fi
Title: Untitled
Cleo Clemens found the hidden basement lounge was full of secrets
hiding in cigar smoke, wine glasses, and rolling laughter. She stepped
inside with a welcoming smile, familiarity tickling her skin. Gavriel
gave a snort near her ear, but he had a dimple in his cheek all the
same. One that said she hadn’t made a mistake in bringing him.
A young boy played the porter, and he welcomed them to the retirement
party with a polite bow. When he asked for an invitation, Cleo passed
him one addressed to her dearest mother. Surely, that woman wouldn’t
notice another wax-sealed envelope absent from her pile of discarded
mail on the coffee table anytime soon. The boy bowed again, as
formalities required, and handled their greatcoats with considerable
care.
“This place hasn’t changed,” Gavriel said, offering his arm to her.
His gaze drifted around the dark room. Under the amber glow of
low-hanging chandeliers, tipsy professors slurred humor and hubris
alike.
“Aren’t you glad it didn’t?” As her eyes followed his, she imagined
her father and his rasp of a voice joking his way through the crowd,
slicked-back blond hair perfectly in place. The professors here had
all been her father’s advisors, colleagues, and friends.
She set her hand in the crook of Gavriel’s elbow, her heart in her
throat and her chest tight. “Let’s just hope Marity hasn’t changed,
either.”
“Nervous?” His tone held a playful lilt.
“Of course not.”
She led him into the standing crowd to exchange greetings, toasts,
introductions, niceties, and small talk with practiced elegance. They
slipped from one professor to the next until they reached the bar in
the back where a dull murmur of lies and taunts replaced the laughter
and cheer. Professors sat around lion-footed tables, betting on their
good fortune and their hand of cards in a game of Rojagat. Her
father’s favorite table was near the fireplace, and his former mentor
sat with her back to the false flames, her gold ringed-fingers waving
Cleo over.
“Come join me, young Clemens.” Professor Anka Marity left no
opportunity to refuse. Just as expected. Perhaps she hadn’t changed.
Cleo and Gavriel had watched her father play many times with Marity
from their perch on his knees. I let them think I’m not any good, he’d
whispered to them once, and then I steal the game with a single hand.
They think it’s luck. When you two are old enough, I’d like to see the
look on her face when you do the same. They had every intention of
saying goodbye to her father’s mentor in just the way he would’ve
wanted.
She sent Professor Marity a glowing smile in response to her
invitation. Hopefully it looked as though she was excited and not as
though she was about to con the woman out of a sizable sum of money.
As they neared the professor’s group, Gavriel gave a soft chuckle.
“Look at the fortune in the middle of the table.” He stood taller.
“You spoil me.”
“Consider it your escort fee,” she answered under her breath.
“You know I’d never charge you for my services.”
“Always so kind. Maybe one day I’ll take you up on that.” Together,
they dipped into a quick bow in front of the group. “Good evening,”
she greeted.
The professors acknowledged her with gracious nods. These were women
and men of enormous power—the most well respected professors of
science and philosophy and history in the world. They were involved in
the whispers of the parliament, in the details of the army’s giant
piloted bipedal robots, and in the protection of the Teir, the world’s
greatest treasure and deadliest weapon. They lounged with gin, rum, or
whiskey glistening in heavy lowball glasses next to their
black-and-gold polymer cards.
“And of course,” Cleo said, “congratulations on your retirement,
Professor Marity.” The woman was one of the scientists protecting the
Teir, as Cleo’s father had been and as Cleo wanted to be as well.
“Sit, sit,” Professor Marity said. She had an impressive stack of
reals in front of her. The pot easily had more than double that. “Play
with us. Both of you. Yes, you—you’re that scrawny thing who used to
follow the older Clemens around like a second son, right?” She flicked
her hand, and space cleared for them.
“That would be me.” Gavriel flashed the professor a charming grin, the
kind he used on the kitchen ladies when he wanted an extra slice of
apple strudel, and bowed again. Cleo took that moment to sit, and he
followed in form. She expected no less of her best friend. He always
had been good at playing the part of the perfect gentleman. Too good,
perhaps.
“I apologize for not introducing myself earlier,” he said. “My name is
Gavriel Eng. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
“I’m sure you don’t need us to play,” Cleo said, maybe a little
quickly. They just needed to seem innocent and nervous and hesitant
enough to be overlooked. The nerves, though, weren’t far from the
truth. “We don’t want to interrupt. We can just—”
“None of your stupid formalities.” Marity scowled from across the
table. She had the same warm bronze skin as Cleo’s grandmother, but
none of her refinement. Cleo liked Marity’s messy dreadlocks, and she
liked Marity even more. “Why watch when you could win? Get the kids
some cards. I’ll put in their ante. No arguing. I’m retired now. I can
do what I want. Do you two know how to play?”
“Dad taught us,” Cleo said. Her hands twisted the hem of her shirt.
A smirk danced across Marity’s face. “Too bad your father was a
terrible Rojagat player. Didn’t know a good hand from a bad hand.
Let’s play, then. Good luck.” From an ashtray on her left, she fitted
a smoking cigar between two fingers and added more reals to the pot.
Too many to count.
The dealer slid a card toward Cleo’s awaiting hands, then one to
Gavriel. The dealer had a queen of diamonds in front of her already,
regal in red and gold robes. A queen of spades peered back at Cleo in
the dim light—a winner if only she didn’t intend to fold. She didn’t
bother hiding the tremor in her hands when she tossed the card into
the muck. In Rojagat, the winner took all and the losers of the round
had to each replace the pot. Anyone stood to win or lose a lot of
money. All Cleo and Gavriel had to do was fold a half dozen times,
then wait for one of them to have a winning hand.
Gavriel nursed his card, pretending to check and recheck the dealer’s
queen, then chewed on his lip and folded. Snickers circled the table
as the real game started, the smoke-thick air buzzing with the thrill
of gambling.
One professor raised the bet, and Marity called without hesitating.
Perhaps she was feeling lucky on her retirement night. Another
professor raised again. A few more professors folded. At the end, only
Marity and two other professors remained. The dealer flipped their
cards—a ten of hearts, an ace of clubs, and Marity with a ten of
spades—then placed the final card next to the queen of diamonds. A
jack of spades gave Marity the win with a two-suited straight.
“Ha!” Marity slapped a hand on the wood table. “I should’ve retired sooner!”
A hard, hollow round of applause started behind Cleo, then a familiar
hand fell on her shoulder.
Nicely done. A couple things (a bit more nitpicky this time since you're so close).
ReplyDelete*Cleo Clemens found the hidden basement lounge was full of secrets
hiding in cigar smoke, wine glasses, and rolling laughter.* --just remove "Cleo Clemens found." It's unnecessary filtering.
*Under the amber glow of low-hanging chandeliers, tipsy professors slurred humor and hubris alike.* --Love this line
*where a dull murmur of lies and taunts replaced the laughter and cheer*--love this line
*Hopefully it looked as though she was excited and not as though she was about to con the woman out of a sizable sum of money.* A bit wordy, but I like that you've told us her intention.
* They were involved in the whispers of the parliament, in the details of the army’s giant piloted bipedal robots, and in the protection of the Teir, the world’s greatest treasure and deadliest weapon.* This felt like a "wink" to the reader (i.e., an info-dump). I'd either be more subtle about conveying this information or wait until later to unfold. If you want to keep it in, make sure it retains the narrator's voice. It sounds like you're jumping out of character to give a bit of info.
*Cleo said, maybe a little quickly. They just needed to seem innocent and nervous and hesitant enough to be overlooked.* I'm wondering if the second paragraph is redundant. I think it's implied by the first sentence. Again, it feels like a break from the narrator's POV.
*In Rojagat, the winner took all and the losers of the round had to each replace the pot. Anyone stood to win or lose a lot of money. All Cleo and Gavriel had to do was fold a half dozen times, then wait for one of them to have a winning hand.* Another instance where it feels like a break from the character's voice.
This was me being nitpicky. It's intriguing and almost there!
It’s amazing that I went through your piece and highlighted almost the same places that Dustin did, as far as jumping out of the narrator’s point of view. I wasn’t sure what my issue was when I copied and pasted them into a document, but he explained it REALLY well about leaving the point of view of your character.
ReplyDeleteI think that the opening lines could be much stronger…what if she wades through the secrets or meanders through them—something active, but unexpected, I’d try to get rid of the “was full of secrets…”
Gavriel gave a snort could be just Gavriel snorted behind her, his dimple showing, all the same. I wonder if all the same is strong enough. (I’m being nitpicky here, but the opening lines matter a lot, and the rest is SO good.)
Even the young boy playing the porter…what about just a young porter welcomed them to the… Then, is the invitation addressed to his mother important? If it is, you might want to add some nervousness about it. Might be an opportunity to strengthen Cleo’s voice?
I wasn’t sure that I needed quite so much information about the card game—maybe use the words for developing the tensions around the table instead of on the rules of play—just a thought.
I love the sense of place, and you have done a tremendous job at developing the background. The familiar hand on Cleo’s shoulder would make me turn the page!
Thank you for all of your help and energy over the last few weeks! I have really appreciated your insights and suggestions, and I would be happy to keep reading.
Good luck!
Great job tightening the dialogue and smoothing things out, Jessica. Your sample is shaping up so nicely, thanks to your hard work. Keep it up!
ReplyDeleteAs your first pages improve, my comments are a little more random…
First, I have a few tightening suggestions in the first few paragraphs, since you want those to really pop:
1. That first sentence reads a little wordy. To tighten: The hidden basement lounge was full of secrets hiding in cigar smoke, wine glasses, and rolling laughter. Cleo Clemens stepped inside…
2. Gavriel offers her his arm, but she doesn’t accept until two paragraphs later, which gives the awkward mental image of him standing there with his arm cocked while they talk. I suggest that you remove the part about him offering the arm: [“This place hasn’t changed.” Gavriel’s gaze drifted around…] Later, when she sets her hand in the crook of his arm, readers will know that he has offered it to her. Removing some of the play-by-play will accelerate the pace and make this bit flow more smoothly.
Secondly, you’ve done well in reducing the amount of telling, but there still is quite a bit left; some of it can be shown through the context of the story or relocated to a later point so the opening pages will flow a little more quickly:
[The professors here had all been her father’s advisors, colleagues, and friends.] This can be shown by incorporating it into a previous paragraph: They
slipped among her father’s former advisors, colleagues, and friends until they reached the bar in the back…
[Her father’s favorite table was near the fireplace] This one can definitely be rephrased so it’s shown rather than told: Her father’s former mentor sat with her back to the fireplace’s false flames, her ringed fingers drumming against the polished surface of what had been the elder Clemens’ favorite table.
[Cleo and Gavriel had watched her father play many times with Marity from their perch on his knees…] This paragraph I think will fit nicely later, when Cleo is sitting down to play. She can remember sitting on her father’s knee, watching him play. Then, when she receives her cards, she recalls his words about letting them think he’s not any good, and she folds her winning cards. At one point, while Marity is being overconfident, Cleo can resist glancing slyly at Gavriel and wish to herself that her father could be here to see them say farewell to his old mentor in exactly the way he’s want them to. Something like this spreads out the backstory and incorporates it into the current story so the reader isn’t pulled out of the story to hear background.
[These were women and men of enormous power—the most well respected professors of science and philosophy and history in the world. They were involved in the whispers of the parliament, in the details of the army’s giant
piloted bipedal robots, and in the protection of the Teir, the world’s greatest treasure and deadliest weapon.]
[The woman was one of the scientists protecting the Teir, as Cleo’s father had been and as Cleo wanted to be as well.]
As I said, your story has come a long way in just a few weeks. Great job on the rewrites. Thanks so much for sharing your story with us, and best of luck with your story!
Hi! Slipping in as a guest mentor this week. Glad I had a chance to read your pages! Well done. Great comments from the above. I'd second the idea that you need to take out the MC's name from the first sentence. It read a bit convoluted, so I'd see if there was a way to streamline it. It's a first sentence, so it has to be perfect. :D
ReplyDeleteI was a tad confused when the invitation was mentioned since it was a retirement invite and this is YA. Just FYI, not sure there's anything to be done there. It could easily just be me.
I too, would pare down the game details. It feels like the story is slowing down too much at that part.
Love your writing. I'm intrigued by the setting for sure! I'd love to connect even more with Cleo, so a bit more about what she's doing internally would be great. If you need to, write a page or two in first person just as an exercise.
Great job overall!!