Monday, September 15, 2014

1st 5 Pages September Workshop - Silva Rev 1

Name: Jessica Silva

Genre: Young Adult sci-fi

Title: Untitled



As usual of retirement parties at Tousieux University, Cleo Clemens found the hidden basement lounge was full of secrets hiding in cigar smoke, wine glasses, and rolling laughter. She stepped inside with a welcoming smile, familiarity tickling her skin. Gavriel gave a snort near her ear, but he had a dimple in his cheek all the same. One that said she hadn’t made a mistake in bringing him.



A young boy played the porter, and he welcomed them with a polite bow. When he asked for an invitation, Cleo passed him one addressed to her dearest mother who surely wouldn’t notice another wax-sealed envelope absent from her pile of discarded mail on the coffee table anytime soon. The boy bowed again, as formalities required, and handled their greatcoats with considerable care.



“This place hasn’t changed,” Gavriel said, offering his arm to her. His gaze drifted around the dark room, tipsy professors slurring humor and hubris alike under the amber glow of low-hanging chandeliers. “Not at all.”



As her eyes followed his, she imagined her father and his rasp of a voice joking his way through the crowd, slicked-back blond hair perfectly in place. The professors here had all been her father’s advisors, colleagues, and friends.



She set her hand in the crook of Gavriel’s elbow, her heart in her throat and her chest tight. “Aren’t you glad it didn’t?” She didn’t miss his answering smirk. “Let’s just hope Marity hasn’t changed, either.”



“Nervous?” His tone held a playful lilt.



“Maybe, but that’s why you’re here.” She patted his forearm, then headed into the standing crowd to exchange greetings, toasts, introductions, niceties, and small talk with practiced elegance.



They slipped from one professor to the next until they reached the bar in the back where a dull murmur of lies and taunts replaced the laughter and cheer. Professors sat around lion-footed tables, betting on their good fortune and their hand of cards in a game of Rojagat. Her father’s favorite table was near the fireplace, and his former mentor sat with her back to the false flames, her gold ringed-fingers waving Cleo over.



“Come join me, young Clemens.” Professor Anka Marity left no opportunity to refuse. Just as expected. Perhaps she hadn’t changed.



Cleo had watched her father play many times with Marity from her perch on his knee. I let them think I’m not any good, he’d whispered once to her, and then I steal the game with a single hand. They think it’s luck. When you’re old enough, I’d like to see the look on her face when you do the same. She had every intention of saying goodbye to her father’s mentor in just the way he would’ve wanted.



“You’ve been beckoned,” Gavriel whispered into her curls. “As popular as ever.”



“Don’t sound so disappointed.” She sent Professor Marity a glowing smile in response to her invitation, one she hoped looked as though she was excited and not as though she was about to con the woman out of a sizable sum of money.



As they neared the professor’s group, Gavriel gave a soft chuckle. “How could I be? Look at the fortune in the middle of the table.” He stood taller. “You spoil me.”



“Consider it your escort fee,” she answered under her breath.



“You know I’d never charge you for my services.”



“Then I suppose it’s a friendship bonus.” Together, they dipped into a quick bow in front of the group. “Good evening,” she greeted.



The professors acknowledged her with gracious nods. These were women and men of enormous power—the most well respected professors of science and philosophy and history in the world. They were involved in the whispers of the parliament, in the details of the army’s giant piloted bipedal robots, and in the protection of the Teir, the world’s greatest treasure and deadliest weapon. They lounged with gin, rum, or whiskey glistening in heavy lowball glasses next to their black-and-gold polymer cards.



“And of course,” Cleo said, “congratulations on your retirement, Professor Marity.” The woman was one of the scientists protecting the Teir, as Cleo’s father had been and as Cleo wanted to be as well.



“Sit, sit,” Professor Marity said. She had an impressive stack of reals in front of her. The pot easily had more than double that. “Play with us. Both of you. Yes, you—you’re that scrawny thing who used to follow the older Clemens around like a second son, right?” She flicked her hand, and space cleared for them.



“That would be me.” Gavriel flashed the professor a charming grin, the kind he used on the kitchen ladies when he wanted an extra slice of apple strudel, and bowed again. Cleo took that moment to sit, and he followed in form. She expected no less of her best friend. He always had been good at lying. Too good, perhaps.



“I apologize for not introducing myself earlier,” he said. “My name is Gavriel Eng. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”



“I’m sure you don’t need us to play,” Cleo said, maybe a little quickly. They just needed to seem innocent and nervous and hesitant enough to be overlooked. The nerves, though, weren’t far from the truth. “We don’t want to interrupt. We can just—”



“None of your stupid formalities.” Marity scowled from across the table. She had the same warm bronze skin as Cleo’s grandmother, but none of her refinement. Cleo liked Marity’s messy dreadlocks, and she liked Marity even more. “Why watch when you could win? Get the kids some cards. I’ll put in their ante. No arguing. I’m retired now. I can do what I want. Do you two know how to play?”



“Dad taught us,” Cleo said.



A smirk danced across Marity’s face. “Too bad your father was a terrible Rojagat player. Didn’t know a good hand from a bad hand. Let’s play, then. Good luck.” From an ashtray on her left, she fitted a smoking cigar between two fingers and added more reals to the pot. Too many to count.



The dealer slid a card toward Cleo’s awaiting hands, then one to Gavriel. The dealer had a queen of diamonds in front of her already, regal in red and gold robes. A queen of spades peered back at Cleo in the dim light—a winner if only she didn’t intend to fold. She didn’t bother hiding the tremor in her hands when she tossed the card into the muck.



In Rojagat, the winner took all and the losers of the round had to each replace the pot. Anyone stood to win or lose a lot of money. All Cleo and Gavriel had to do was fold a half dozen times, then wait for one of them to have a winning hand.



Gavriel nursed his card, pretending to check and recheck the dealer’s queen, then chewed on his lip and folded. Snickers circled the table as the real game started, the smoke-thick air buzzing with the thrill of gambling.



One professor raised the bet, and Marity called without hesitating. Perhaps she was feeling lucky on her retirement night. Another professor raised again. A few more professors folded.



At the end, only Marity and two other professors remained. The dealer flipped their cards—a ten of hearts, an ace of clubs, and Marity with a ten of spades—then placed the final card next to the queen of diamonds. A jack of spades gave Marity the win with a two-suited straight.



“Ha!” Marity slapped a hand on the wood table.

7 comments:

  1. Nicely done. I'm going to go a bit deeper on this one because the overall picture is really good.

    1. There's a lot of REALLY long sentences in this. Examples:

    "Cleo passed him one addressed to her dearest mother who surely wouldn’t notice another wax-sealed envelope absent from her pile of discarded mail on the coffee table anytime soon"

    "His gaze drifted around the dark room, tipsy professors slurring humor and hubris alike under the amber glow of low-hanging chandeliers."

    I'd cut these down (and any other places where you have such lengthy clauses).

    2. Cut the space between dialogue. There was a few times where I lost the train of the conversation because so much came between the dialogue. Example:

    “This place hasn’t changed,” Gavriel said, offering his arm to her. His gaze drifted around the dark room, tipsy professors slurring humor and hubris alike under the amber glow of low-hanging chandeliers. “Not at all.”

    As her eyes followed his, she imagined her father and his rasp of a voice joking his way through the crowd, slicked-back blond hair perfectly in place. The professors here had all been her father’s advisors, colleagues, and friends.

    She set her hand in the crook of Gavriel’s elbow, her heart in her throat and her chest tight. “Aren’t you glad it didn’t?”

    At that point, I thought, "didn't what?"

    3. Nice mystery and anticipation with the game. Well played.

    4. I like the banter between the two. It says a lot about their relationship.

    5. I'd like to see a bit more clues into Cleo's character. I get a good feel for her friend, but not the MC.

    Anyhow, hope that helps!

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  2. I really like this, Jessica. I have to admit, the first time I started reading, I was a little thrown off. I found it "wordy." By that, I mean, although the writing is lovely, I felt that certain sentences could be shortened or clarified.

    Upon second reading, however, I felt that this was more likely your own unique voice, and I would never suggest anyone to change their voice.

    There's so much good stuff here after that first paragraph, which I found a little awkward. You definitely have a nice style and rhythm to your writing, which is good.


    "As usual of retirement parties at Tousieux University..."

    This feels like an odd way to start a story. Perhaps cut that and start with something the reader can easily digest. We need a little familiarity when first starting a story. Perhaps, and this is just a suggestion:

    Cleo Clemens found the hidden basement lounge full of secrets hiding in cigar smoke, wine glasses, and rolling laughter.

    That, to me, is a little less cumbersome.

    Anyway, I like your style. I really do. It seems like very intelligent storytelling. I just think you need to look carefully at some of your sentence constructions and make sure they are as reader-friendly as possible.

    The scene setting is really nice and the details come alive. For instance, this is really lovely:

    Gavriel nursed his card, pretending to check and recheck the dealer’s queen, then chewed on his lip and folded. Snickers circled the table as the real game started, the smoke-thick air buzzing with the thrill of gambling.

    Nice job, Jessica.

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  3. Hi Jessica,
    I love the world building that you do within your writing. Your revision also allowed me to get to know much more about Cleo and Gavriel and I appreciated that.

    What is not clear to me is what is at stake. I’m not sure why they are in the basement, what they are trying to resolve that is more important than the card game. Did Cleo’s father leave her with some sort of mission? I’m assuming there’s something bigger that’s going to happen than winning the card game.

    Also, and this may be a question that the world of science fiction readers would already know, at what point should the reader be aware that the genre is science fiction? The paragraph about who the professors were hints at a different sort of world, but is there anything else that you could/should do that would do that would make the fantasy element clearer? Or do you not have to? I have not read a lot of science fiction, so take this feedback with that admission…

    The wordiness did not strike me as I read your work. However, I would be careful of balancing the dialogue with the descriptions and actions. There were a few times, especially in the beginning, when I wanted to have the conversation more streamlined.

    I hope this helps—it has been fun for me to read the different genres that you and Dustin write, as my world is pretty much middle grade and adult realistic fiction.

    Melanie

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  4. I agree with the others that some of the sentences might be broken up, but I do think it is part of your style so feel free to ignore. I also get a better sense of Gavriel (who I like a lot) than I do Cleo. Can we get inside her head a little bit more? I think that will answer a lot of questions about motivation and help bond readers to her.

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  6. I like what you’ve done with the opening description of the basement. It’s clearer now, with fewer words. And you have some beautiful phrasings: familiarity tickling her skin, the amber glow of low-hanging chandeliers, his rasp of a voice joking his way through the crowd. Too many to list :). You’ve also done well at describing the events using many different senses. I feel more grounded in this version than I did in the last one. I’m much more involved in this scene now that most of the telling is gone, and with the addition of the sentence about how Cleo is going to say goodbye to her father’s mentor in the way he would have wanted, you’ve made her goal a bit more clear to me. So good work!

    As I read the passage through this time, what strikes me is some wordiness—places that tend to ramble a bit and could be stronger if they were more concise. For example: [When he asked for an invitation, Cleo passed him one addressed to her dearest mother who surely wouldn’t notice another wax-sealed envelope absent from her pile of discarded mail on the coffee table anytime soon.] As Dustin mentioned, it’s a long sentence, and it feels rambly. It can be tightened without losing any meaning or emphasis, imo: Cleo passed him her invitation, certain her dearest mother wouldn’t notice its absence from the pile of mail on the overflowing coffee table.

    Another example: [She sent Professor Marity a glowing smile in response to her invitation, one she hoped looked as though she was excited and not as though she was about to con the woman out of a sizable sum of money.] This one can be tightened, too: She sent Professor Marity a glowing smile, one she hoped conveyed innocent excitement instead of glee over conning the woman out of a sizable sum of money.

    I would suggest that you comb through the manuscript and take a second look at these longer sentences. Length doesn’t necessarily indicate wordiness; sometimes it is simply a matter of style. But long sentences often read as wordy to readers; if unnecessary words can be omitted to make the reading more concise, that’s usually a good idea.

    Continued below...

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  7. The other thing I’d like to mention is some places where the dialogue didn’t ring quite true. As others have mentioned, there are places where the dialogue is interrupted by paragraphs; by the time the dialogue continues, I had to go back and re-read to see where it left off. Dustin’s given you a good example of a section that needs to be streamlined for clarity. A line or two to break up dialogue is fine, but if the dialogue picks up with a line that depends upon a line that came earlier, those lines should be closer together. For instance, in that example, you can fix the problem by shuffling some lines around:

    [Gavriel offered her his arm as his gaze drifted around the dark room, where tipsy professors slurred humor and hubris alike under the amber glow of low-hanging chandeliers. “This place hasn’t changed.”

    “Aren’t you glad it didn’t?” As her eyes followed his, she imagined her father and his rasp of a voice joking his way through the crowd, his slicked-back blond hair perfectly in place. The professors here had all been her father’s advisors, colleagues, and friends.

    She set her hand in the crook of Gavriel’s elbow, her heart in her throat and her chest tight. “Let’s just hope Marity hasn’t changed, either.”]

    Something like this keeps together the lines of dialogue that play off of one another, so it all stays clear. Another example comes later, when Marity calls them to join her, and two paragraphs later, Gavriel says that she’s been beckoned. Move those lines closer together, and the dialogue will read more smoothly.

    Lastly, let me mention two places where I was a little confused, so you can look at those and possibly clarify, if needed. First: Marity is clearly her mark, and she doesn’t seem like a very nice person, but it says that Cleo likes her more than her own grandmother, so I was a little confused as to her feelings about Marity, and how she might feel about this whole scam she’s running. Second: Cleo says that Gavriel has always been good at lying, but he hasn’t recently done any lying, if I’m reading it correctly. I think what you’re saying is that he’s charming and can manipulate people, so I can see what you’re going for. But when it said he was a good liar, it made me think that he was actually lying about something, and the last thing he said was admitting to being the scrawny thing that used to follow her father around. It may be that in this situation he’s being deceptive rather than outright lying. If so, you could clear things up by just changing the word “lying” to something that applies more accurately to what’s happening in those paragraphs.

    Great, great job, Jessica. Truly, I believe this version is much improved. Keep up the good work!

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