Monday, September 8, 2014

1st 5 Pages September Workshop - Silva

Name: Jessica Silva
Genre: Young Adult sci-fi
Title: Untitled

As usual of retirement parties at Tousieux University, Cleo found the
hidden basement room was full of secrets hiding in cigar smoke, wine
glasses, and rolling laughter. Tipsy professors crowded around
lion-footed tables, betting on their good fortune and their hand of
cards in a game of Rojagat. She stepped inside with a welcoming smile,
familiarity tickling her skin. Gavriel gave a snort near her ear, but
he had a dimple in his cheek all the same. One that said she hadn’t
made a mistake in bringing him .

A boy too young to attend classes played the porter, and he welcomed
them with a polite bow. When he asked for an invitation, Cleo passed
him one addressed to her dearest mother who surely wouldn’t notice
another wax-sealed envelope absent from her pile of discarded mail on
the coffee table anytime soon. The boy bowed again, as formalities
required, and handled their greatcoats with considerable care.

“This place hasn’t changed,” Gavriel said, offering his arm to her as
his gaze drifted past the bar and toward the back of the dark room
where the real games of Rojagat were waiting for them. “Not at all.”

She set her hand in the crook of his elbow. “Aren’t you glad it
didn’t?” she asked and didn’t miss his answering smirk. As they moved
under the amber glow of the chandeliers, she imagined her father and
his rasp of a voice joking his way through the crowd, dimples in his
cheeks and slicked-back blond hair perfectly in place. Only this time,
she needed no introduction.

Every professor here knew her as the young Clemens, daughter of the
late Professor Clemens. They greeted her with bows. Such a pleasure to
meet her, they said. Some of them also knew her as the messenger for
the Vice-Premier’s secret society. They greeted her with hugs and
twinkling eyes. Steal a few sips of wine, they said. She and Gavriel
returned every bow, every hug, and every smile with practiced
elegance.

They slipped from one professor to the next, from one table to
another, until they reached a second room in the back. The smoke-thick
air buzzed with the thrill of gambling. A dull murmur of lies and
taunts replaced the laughter and cheer. Professors lounged in tufted
leather armchairs instead of wooden chairs. One quick sweep of the
room, and Cleo caught sight of Professor Anka Marity’s gold
ringed-fingers waving her over. Just as expected.

“Come join me, young Clemens.” The woman left no opportunity to
refuse, but even if she had, Cleo would’ve headed to her table all the
same. This was Professor Marity’s retirement party, after all, and
Cleo wasn’t here for the Rojagat. Marity had been her father’s mentor
when he’d earned his doctorate. He’d have wanted Cleo to say goodbye
to her. Even more, he’d have wanted Cleo to steal a win from her.

As they neared the table, Gavriel gave a soft chuckle. “Look at the
fortune in the middle of the table,” he whispered into her curls. “You
spoil me.”

“Consider it your escort fee,” she answered under her breath.

“You know I’d never charge you for my services.”

“Then I suppose it’s a friendship bonus.” Together, they dipped into a
quick bow in front of the table. “Good evening,” she greeted. The
professors at the table acknowledged her with gracious nods and gentle
smiles. They lounged with gin, rum, or whiskey glistening in heavy
lowball glasses next to their black-and-gold cards. The professors all
wore the same embroidered cassock. Cleo’s father’s was still hanging
in the closet. “Congratulations on your retirement, Professor Marity.”

“Sit, sit,” Professor Marity said. She had an impressive stack of
reals in front of her. The pot easily had more than double that. “Play
with us. Both of you. Yes, you—you’re that scrawny thing who used to
follow the older Clemens around like a second son, right?” She flicked
her hand, and space at her table cleared for them.

Only Marity would refer to Cleo’s father as the older Clemens.

“That would be me.” Gavriel flashed the professor a charming grin, the
kind he used on the kitchen ladies when he wanted an extra slice of
apple strudel, and bowed again. She expected no less of her best
friend. He always had been good at lying. Too good, perhaps. Cleo took
that moment to sit, and he followed in form. “I apologize for not
introducing myself earlier. My name is Gavriel Eng. It’s a pleasure to
meet you.”

“I’m sure you don’t need us to play,” Cleo said, maybe a little
quickly. They just needed to seem innocent and nervous and hesitant
enough to be overlooked. The nerves, though, weren’t far from the
truth. “We don’t want to interrupt. We can just—”

“None of your stupid formalities.” Marity scowled from across the
table. She had the same warm bronze skin as Cleo’s grandmother, but
none of her refinement. Cleo liked Marity’s messy dreadlocks, and she
liked Marity even more. “Why watch when you could win? Get the kids
some cards. I’ll put in their ante. No arguing. I’m retired now. I can
do what I want.”

To her right, Professor Ros Toivonen gave a hearty chuckle, a wisp of
white hair falling across her forehead. “Not until the end of the
year, my friend.” She raised her kind brown gaze to Cleo, a card in
her weathered hands. Just last night, Cleo had delivered a message
from the Vice-Premier to Professor Toivonen in Caviglia Library’s
hidden passages. “Do you two know how to play?”

“Dad taught us,” Cleo said. He’d loved Rojagat, and she’d watched him
play many times at this same table from her perch on his knee. I let
them think I’m not any good, he’d whispered once to her, and then I
steal the game with a single hand. They think it’s luck.

A smirk danced across Marity’s face. “Too bad your father was a
terrible Rojagat player. Didn’t know a good hand from a bad hand.”
From an ashtray on her left, she fitted a smoking cigar between two
fingers and added six hundred reals to the pot. Cleo thought maybe
Marity was feeling lucky on her retirement night. Maybe she was trying
to bluff her way to a win. In Rojagat, the winner took all and the
losers of the round had to each replace the pot. Anyone stood to win
or lose a lot of money.

The dealer at the end of the table slid a card toward Cleo’s awaiting
hands, then one to Gavriel. The dealer had a queen of diamonds in
front of her already, regal in red and gold robes. A queen of spades
peered back at Cleo in the dim light—a winning card if only she didn’t
intend to fold. Luck indeed.

Gavriel folded first, then went to tie his long black hair into a bun.
He leaned into Cleo’s side, offering his wine glass to her as he
watched the calls roll in. “So how many rounds are we folding?” he
whispered under the snickers circling the table as a few of the
professors tossed out their card. She took a sip of his
wine—Caseillais wine, to her satisfaction—and the taste rolled on her
tongue for several seconds, sweet and crisp. A familiar hand fell on
her shoulder before she could answer.

7 comments:

  1. Howdy, fellow participant!

    Nicely done. You do a great job of immersing your reader very quickly in a new setting. Your descriptions not only give us an image, but they set a mood. I'm envisioning a speakeasy-like setting. Very nice.

    I also like the little tidbits of characterization you inject, with a hint of mystery: "Gavriel gave a snort near her ear, but he had a dimple in his cheek all the same. One that said she hadn’t made a mistake in bringing him...He always had been good at lying. Too good, perhaps. Cleo took that moment to sit, and he followed in form."

    You've done a good job of intriguing me. So good work.

    A couple suggestions.

    1. It's a bit daunting with all the names. You have given us, as far as I can see, six different names to remember; Cleo, Gavriel, Professor Clemens, Anka Marita, and Ros Toivonen. Combine that with all the foreign names of other things (the name of the game, the name of a drink, the name of the university), and it's a bit overwhelming, especially since none of them are english-sounding. I wonder if you want to cut down a bit. The only people that really matter are Cleo, Gavriel, and Marita (as far as I can tell). So maybe keep the other names to a minimum. Professor Clemens can just be dad, Toivonen can just be an unnamed professor. Maybe the university can remained unnamed, at least at the beginning, otherwise it's a bit overwhelming.

    2. Paragraphing! You have pretty long paragraphs. I'd break them up. Example:

    “Then I suppose it’s a friendship bonus.” Together, they dipped into a
    quick bow in front of the table. “Good evening,” she greeted. The
    professors at the table acknowledged her with gracious nods and gentle
    smiles. They lounged with gin, rum, or whiskey glistening in heavy
    lowball glasses next to their black-and-gold cards. The professors all
    wore the same embroidered cassock. Cleo’s father’s was still hanging
    in the closet. “Congratulations on your retirement, Professor Marity.”

    This can be four paragraphs, I think: after "bonus", after "greeted," and after "closet." This too will make things easier to follow.

    3. Reduce filtering. Several times, you filter the experience through Cloe. Example: Cloe felt, Cloe thought, Cloe heard. Just omit these. For example, this: "Cleo thought maybe Marity was feeling lucky on her retirement night," can just be "Maybe Marity was feeling lucky on her retirement night." Since we're in Cloe's POV, we don't need to be told she's thinking, feeling, hearing, etc.

    4. Some clarity of what Cloe's intentions are. Maybe you're going for mysterious, (if you are, that's fine), but I didn't quite get her intentions:

    "The woman left no opportunity to
    refuse, but even if she had, Cleo would’ve headed to her table all the
    same. This was Professor Marity’s retirement party, after all, and
    Cleo wasn’t here for the Rojagat. Marity had been her father’s mentor
    when he’d earned his doctorate. He’d have wanted Cleo to say goodbye
    to her. Even more, he’d have wanted Cleo to steal a win from her."

    So....did her dad despise the woman and this was Cloe's way of getting even? A strange way of saying thank you? I don't think you need to tell us outright, but some better hints would be good. e.g., "He'd have wanted Cleo to say goodbye to the old hag. And what better way to say good riddance than this?"

    (And I just noticed it was Cleo, not Cloe, so sorry for the errors).



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  2. You definitely pull a reader into a new world, and I felt your writing got stronger as the pages went on.

    I do think there are a lot of names mentioned. You don't want to overwhelm a reader by giving them too much information and introducing too many characters right away.

    Also, try to avoid saying Cleo saw/felt/thought/believed/heard... as they distance the reader from the story. They're easy enough to fix and it helps to make the reader see/feel/think... along side with Cleo. It's a showing versus telling type of thing.

    I'm definitely intrigued by this.

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  3. Very strong writing. It's obvious that you have strength with world building. I do think that what's been mentioned in the earlier comments is very good advice, but I'd like to add that although I am one who is willing to let a story take a little time to unravel, I would have like to have a better sense of what the goal is of the main character. It's obviously tightly connected to her father, but I wanted to know more of what was at stake. Your main characters are interesting and likable, but I wanted to be a bigger part of what they were involved it.

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  4. I think that Dustin came in with some great comments! I agree that the unfolding of the setting and the world of the story is really powerful. I could really feel the smoke and the tension of high stakes card games with professors in robes. I also really liked your characters, especially Gavriel. I wonder if you can make Cleo more likable. It might be that taking Kimberly's suggestion to bring up more of what is at stake would give Cleo a more powerful voice. I thought that she was a fairly objective tour guide, without much opinion or commentary on what was going on except for the likability of Gavriel.
    I had to read your piece a few times to take in all of the names, the game, the setting--I feel like I need a readers notebook and a character spreadsheet since none of the names are familiar to me. How many of the characters do we really need to know here and now? I was having a hard time knowing who I should pay attention to.

    I really agree with Dustin's comment about breaking up the paragraphs. This might give more interactive dialog opportunities which would allow readers to develop more understanding as to who all of the players are and how important they might become.

    I hope all of the comments help, and I am looking forward to the next few weeks as your piece evolves.

    Melanie

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  5. Hi, Jessica! Thanks so much for sharing your piece with us. You’re definitely off to a good start here. You’ve got some intrigue in your opening, which is always a good idea—some good questions are raised that will likely keep the reader reading. And while Cleo and Gavriel are best friends right now, it seems like there might be more to their relationship down the road. Overall, nice work!

    Of course, I did find a few things that can be done to improve your story :). You’ve already gotten some great feedback from other readers, so I’m going to focus on a few other things that I noticed.

    My initial feeling is that it’s taking a bit too long to get to the good stuff. Ideally, you want to hook the reader with the very first page, since many readers (including editors and agents) won’t give us poor authors any more than that. So I want to start with some ideas for how to improve the pace in your important opening pages.

    My first suggestion is to cut any unnecessary description or details. Ask yourself what the reader absolutely must know; if it’s not imperative at that moment in the story, then consider cutting. For instance, I don’t think we need to know all the information about the boy porter. It seems that he’s important as a way to show that Cleo wasn’t actually invited but is there with her mom’s stolen invitation. If that’s the case, we don’t need to know that he’s too young to attend classes or how he handled their greatcoats. By cutting the unnecessary details from every page, things will move along more quickly.

    Secondly, there’s some telling that can be either retold by showing, or it can be cut altogether. This line, for instance: [Every professor here knew her as the young Clemens, daughter of the late Professor Clemens]. Instead of stating this outright, show it. As she moves through the room, have people murmur greetings, calling her Young Clemens. Maybe someone offers condolences for her father. Showing the information like this can add a bit of interest on the reader’s part: Why is she called Young Clemens? Her father must be famous. Who is he? What happened to him? Another example: [Some of them also knew her as the messenger for the Vice-Premier’s secret society]. Instead, try including this information through the natural context of the story: [They greeted her with bows. A portly gentlemen in a top hat introduced himself solemnly, as if she hadn’t just last night delivered one of the Vice-Premier’s secret messages to him at his flat.] Something like this conveys the needed information without interrupting the flow of the story by stopping to explain it outright. There are times for telling, but almost always, that time isn’t in the opening of a story. Look for areas where something has been explained to the reader, and figure out a way to show it instead.

    (continued below)

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  6. Doing these two things should really help to improve the pace in your opening. Next, I’d like to point out a few spots that I thought could use clarification.

    1.When they slip into the back room, the description indicates a change: [The smoke-thick air buzzed with the thrill of gambling. A dull murmur of lies and taunts replaced the laughter and cheer. Professors lounged in tufted leather armchairs instead of wooden chairs.] But I was a little confused because this was how I had been envisioning the first room. There seems to be a big difference between what’s going on in the front and in the back, but when I read about the first room, it didn’t seem much different from the second. To more clearly describe the two spaces, it would help to have a more obvious descriptive difference between the two. Maybe the front room isn’t as opulent, its occupants are kind and friendly but not wealthy, or a different game is being played in the front. Maybe the front room is simply a gathering place for wanna-be socialites, and gambling is only done in the back. Maybe the laughter and camaraderie is evident in the front room, so it’s more obvious when it’s replaced by lies and taunts in the back. Figure out which details will differentiate the mood and purpose of the two rooms, and your reader will be more firmly grounded in your setting.

    2. For most of the first page, I assumed Cleo and Gavriel were a couple. Then, when she refers to the friendship bonus, I was a little jarred. You can clarify this by referring to him early on as her best friend. Then there won’t be any confusion.

    3. Lastly, if Cleo and Gavriel are trying to rook the people in this room, they would have discussed in detail exactly how they were going to do it before they arrived. Him asking her how many rounds they’re going to fold while they’re sitting at the table doesn’t ring true in their situation. Instead, maybe Cleo can wonder if he’d had a loser card or had folded a winner like she planned on doing. Something like this will reinforce that they’re running a scam without you having to explain its details to the reader.

    Well, I think that’s enough for now. I hope these ideas are helpful to you. Thanks so much for letting me read your work, Jessica. I look forward to seeing it again next week!

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  7. Hi Jessica,

    So, I thought this was really good to start. It's a strong beginning and with a little fine tuning, I think it can be even better.

    One thing you do really well is setting the scene. I felt grounded from the start -- you have a knack for evocative descriptions that make me feel like I'm standing in the room with your characters, which is no easy feat. I do feel like you indulge a little too much in these kinds of descriptions from time to time, which I sympathize with as its one of my writerly sins as well. Just be careful that you don't overdose on describing the scenery to the detriment of your pacing.

    There were some instances of repetitive phrasing. Seems to me that everyone's got dimples and they're all bowing and smiling a great deal, so just be on the lookout for overusing those things.

    The old "Show, don't tell" adage gets thrown around a lot, and while you do a great job with showing me the place these characters are in, I feel as though telling comes into play a bit more when you're trying to establish plot and character. The following passage is one such example:

    "“Come join me, young Clemens.” The woman left no opportunity to
    refuse, but even if she had, Cleo would’ve headed to her table all the
    same. This was Professor Marity’s retirement party, after all, and
    Cleo wasn’t here for the Rojagat. Marity had been her father’s mentor
    when he’d earned his doctorate. He’d have wanted Cleo to say goodbye
    to her. Even more, he’d have wanted Cleo to steal a win from her."

    Some people have mentioned that you throw a lot of character names out there at once, but I didn't have a problem with it. Their personalities were distinct enough for me to not feel too confused even this early in the game. I found Gavriel to be particularly strong as a character right off the bat. In the bit I pasted below, I get a really solid sense of what kind of person Gavriel's cultivated himself to be:

    "Gavriel flashed the professor a charming grin, the kind he used on the kitchen ladies when he wanted an extra slice of apple strudel, and bowed again."

    The fact that you do this in a single sentence is great and I'd like to see more of that.

    One person who did fall a little flat to me was Cleo. I do enjoy that she's a bit shady (with the whole stolen invitation and faux-innocent schtick she's got going on) but beyond that, I don't have much of a sense of who she is or why she's there. I feel like I have a better idea of Gavriel's personality than hers which is problematic since she's the reader's eyes and ears. And I don't mind that she's maybe not what some people would see as "likable." Likability is overrated. I want her to be interesting.

    It ended in a really intriguing place, but I feel like you could probably introduce a little bit of that intrigue or mystery earlier on so the reader can get a feel for what's at stake here.

    Like I said, this was a pretty strong start and I'm interested to see how this develops. Good luck!

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