Genre: Middle Grade Fiction
Title: Dancing in the Rain
“Hold still and don’t breathe,” the lady in the light blue cotton pants said.
From the cold table underneath the x-ray machine, I watched her enter the station that attached to the dim room where I was lying, concentrating on staying still. Holding my breath, my lungs tightened and demanded air. The lady looked down and pushed some buttons. The machine above my leg whirred and clicked.
“Okay, Kelly,” she called. “You can breathe.”
I took a couple of quick breaths until my lungs stopped complaining, studying my legs sticking out from the heavy sheath they had put over me. With the bump on my shin, they seemed even skinnier than usual.
“We need some additional angles,” the technician said. She touched my shoulder. “Let’s turn on to your right side.”
When I turned, she lifted my leg up to slide a plate underneath it. Pain surged up my shin and I bit my lip hard. How many pictures did they need to see the inside of my leg?
“I’m sorry, honey,” she said. “You okay?”
I nodded. I didn’t trust my voice.
“Hold your breath. No moving.” She disappeared and I waited for the whir and click, counting silently in my head. Sometimes, counting calmed me down.
My mom got to come back into the x-ray room when they were checking to make sure that the pictures were clear enough. She leafed through a People magazine, pointing out stories that she thought might interest me. “I tried to find a magazine that you would like,” she said, “but Highlights seemed a little young for a 10 year-old, and I didn’t think you’d like the Cooking Light magazines.”
“Thanks, Mom.” She was trying to be funny, but I was in no mood for laughing.
“Do they really think that my leg could be broken?” I asked. “When Alec Maccarone broke his leg at recess, it was because he fell in our soccer game and it twisted. Max’s bat didn’t even hit me that hard and it definitely didn’t twist my leg or anything.” My six year-old brother had thrown a plastic baseball bat because he was excited to hit the ball. As luck would have it, I was standing in the way of the twirling plastic bat and it hit my leg. Not hard, though. No one could figure out why it hurt so much and left such a bump, even after 24 hours of ice.
“I guess so.” She shrugged. “They don’t really know.”
“What did Dr. Sylvester say to you?” Earlier today, she and my regular doctor had whispered in the hallway, leaving me on the paper-covered cot in the examining room. I had wanted to ask her about their conversation when we were driving from Dr. Sylevester’s office to this different x-ray place, but Mom had been on the phone, and then had been concentrating hard on the navigation system telling her directions.
“What did he say to me?” She always repeated my questions when she didn’t want to answer them.
“Back at his office, the two of you talked in the hallway,” I said. “He never does that. He always talks in front of me. And your mouth was twitching when you came back into the room. You twitch your mouth when you worry. What did he say?”
“They made a wreck of your ponytail,” Mom said, moving behind me and pulling the elastic out. She combed her fingers through my thick red hair. “You really do have enough hair on your head for five people.”
“Mom.” I made my voice sound sharp. “what did Dr. Sylvester say?” The fact that she was trying to distract me by braiding my hair made me want to know about the conversation even more.
“He thought it was strange that the ice and Motrin didn’t make it feel better, especially after 24 hours, so he wanted to make sure that nothing more serious was going on besides a bump on your leg.” She finished the braid and wound the elastic around it, then returned to the People magazine.
“Like what?”
“He mentioned some different possibilities.” She held up a picture of Taylor Swift on a paddleboard. “Cute bathing suit, isn’t it?”
I ignored the striped bathing suit. Did Mom really think that she could distract me with a bikini? “Like what, Mom?”
“Kelly, I don’t want to get into it with you, at this point.” Her mouth twitched. “You’re relentless.”
She and I stared at each other, my brown eyes locked into hers. I raised my eyebrows and tilted my head.
“Fine.” She took a deep breath. “There are some types of childhood diseases that they want to rule out.”
Just then, there was a knock on the door, and another woman with a long complicated last name on her badge entered. “I’m Dr. Surya Radpathi.” She extended her arm to first Mom and then to me. “I’ve had a chance to look at Kelly’s X-rays. Mrs. Reynolds, would you like to speak in the hallway for a moment.”
“No,” I blurted out. I had had enough of hallway whispering. “My mother was just telling me what could be wrong with my leg before you came in. I want to hear.”
Dr. Radpathi directed her gaze toward Mom.
“Kelly should be part of the conversation.” Mom nodded, but her voice was tight, her face pale.
“Not all parents feel the same way.” Dr. Radpathi smiled and nodded. “My own daughter would be as strong-minded as you, Kelly. I think that it’s better for children to hear the conversations, so that they are not scared by what they imagine.”
I liked the lilt of her voice, but my mouth was suddenly dry and my stomach flipped.
She flipped on a light behind the X-ray, and I could see the outlines of my bones.
“The good news is that there is no fracture,” she said, pointing to the area which matched where my leg was swollen. “But we do have a concern about the gray area here.” She pointed to a shaded area around the bone.
“This gray area concerns me,” she returned to pointing to the X-ray. “Osteosarcoma is a type of cancer that is consistent with what you are presenting, Kelly.”
She continued to talk, explaining tests and procedures that would need to happen sooner rather than later to figure out what was causing the gray area on my X-ray. Her words blurred, with only one that stayed crystal clear.
Cancer.
I do like you starting here better. Nicely done. A couple suggestions.
ReplyDelete1. I don't get a sense for your MC. Give us some details to get a sense of her personality. What is she wearing? What does she pay attention to? What does she try to distract herself with? How do others act around her? These sorts of details will help illuminate her character.
2. RUE (resist the urge to overexplain). I can't remember what writing book this came from, but there's a tendency for writers to not trust the reader. We, as writers, tend to say things twice. Example:
“Do they really think that my leg could be broken?” I asked. “When Alec Maccarone broke his leg at recess, it was because he fell in our soccer game and it twisted. Max’s bat didn’t even hit me that hard and it definitely didn’t twist my leg or anything.” My six year-old brother had thrown a plastic baseball bat because he was excited to hit the ball. As luck would have it, I was standing in the way of the twirling plastic bat and it hit my leg. Not hard, though. No one could figure out why it hurt so much and left such a bump, even after 24 hours of ice.
I think the dialogue is sufficient. Even the "24 hours of ice" bit comes later, so most (if not all) of this can be removed.
3. You've done a much better job of "showing" the mother worrying here (the straightening of the ponytail bit, the way she repeats the question, the way she avoids the question, etc.).
Nicely done!
Wow. I think you've really got something here. I just have a few comments.
ReplyDelete1. You repeat info at the end. "“But we do have a concern about the gray area here.” She pointed to a shaded area around the bone.
“This gray area concerns me,” " She just said they were concerned. You don't want to distract when you have us on the edge of our seats by doubling that.
The beginning before her mother comes in is missing one thing that I think will connect us to Kelly faster and give more depth here. We need more of Kelly's internal dialogue. She's noticing and feeling all these things, but what is she thinking about them? How does she feel inside? Scared? Annoyed? Bring that out earlier so we connect right away.
3. The line from her mom about Highlights is great, but I felt like the "ten year old" line was forced in just to let us know her age. I wonder the same about the red hair line. She wouldn't think of her own hair that way. Thick yes because of what her mom's doing. Red, not necessarily. Just be careful of those things. I know you want to get them in, but it has to be very natural, not forced.
Again, amazing job. Love it!
Hi Melanie,
ReplyDeleteI’m filling in for Miriam this week. You’ve done a great job at opening this scene at a pivotal moment. We know something bad is about to happen from the get go. I really loved the descriptions of the mom. I can picture her perfectly – nervously fidgeting, trying to distract Kelly. Her dialogue is very natural, too.
I would like to know more about Kelly. She says “I nodded. I didn’t trust my voice.” Why? Does Kelly know something bad is about to happen? That this whole thing is unusual? Maybe move up the part about breaking leg here – she could think how could my leg even be broken? My brother threw a plastic bat at me, and it barely even hurt or some such. Or she could think – I know they’re not telling me the truth, there is no way my leg could be broken from … they’re looking for something else. Lisa is right – we need more internal dialogue and reaction from Kelly. Is she anxious? terrified?
Other than that, you did a fabulous job! Good luck with you manuscript!
So, so, SO much better starting here! The bits you filled in about the baseball game was just enough to let us know what happened without the pages of dialog. Well done.
ReplyDeleteA couple of major-ish issues and then a couple of totally minor points:
Major-ish: "sometimes counting calms me down." this line made me think she's used to being in a hospital and looking at X-rays. But I don't think that's what you mean. I think you mean that counting is a way for her to cope with stressful times in her life. Maybe an example would work well here. Like she counts before a spelling test, or counts before "insert boy's name here" sits near her at lunch. Stuff like that. Then we see that this is a way for her to cope, without thinking that the hospital visit is sometimes that's normal for her.
I read Lisa's line about the 10 year old Highlights magazine thing. I agree. Maybe you could add something about 5th grade math or spelling tests when referring to the counting thing (as mentioned above).
I'd also like to see Mom's reaction to the news. Does she freak out? Remain calm? And how does Kelly feed off that reaction? Does it make her feel worse? Better? This would be a great place to show. Perhaps Mom says something encouraging but her reaction is one of total freakout mode.
Minor-ish:
Just a little formatting fix with the line . "What did Dr. Sylvester say?" One space, capitalize W, etc.
There's a small section where flipped is said twice too close together. Stomach flipped and flipped on a light. Just replace one of those and you're good.
This is definitely on the right track. We're right in that room with her feeling her worry and her pain. Excellent job.