Monday, August 18, 2014

1st 5 Pages August Workshop - Hedderly Rev 2

Name: Kate Hedderly
Genre: New Adult, Romance/Fantasy
Title: A Beautiful Lie

The gravel lot of the store was empty when Lena pulled in except for one vehicle, a truck. Not all that odd for a weekday but the CLOSED sign hanging on the door was odd. It was only midday.

From her car she saw movement through the window of the store. A man stood eye to eye with her grandfather. He ran his hand through his hair and spoke using his hands. Lena’s grandfather, George, rubbed his face with his hands several times and then shook his head from side to side.

Lena wondered why George was troubled and what could have made the customer so agitated. Her grandfather was known around town for always treating his customers with respect; he was such a patient and kind man.

Her mother, Nora, quickly came to George’s side and placed her hand on the strange man’s arm. It looked like her mother knew him but Lena didn’t recognize the customer and she was pretty sure she knew everyone her mother and granddad knew since she had lived in the small town her whole life and had spent most of her free time working at the store.

Finally, the trio walked out of view and headed to the office at the rear of the store. Well, it’s obvious I wasn’t invited to this party, Lena thought, this is so weird.

After several minutes, curiosity got the better of her. She gathered her things from the passenger seat, got out of her Jeep and headed to the front door of the building.

Not surprisingly, the door was locked. Slowly Lena pushed the key into the lock and turned gently. The door swung open easily and she was careful not to disturb the brass bell that hung above the door. She crossed to the far wall and tip-toed to the office under cover of armoires, large mirrors, bookcases, and display cabinets.

Located on the main thoroughfare between the university and the center of the sleepy little town, Hanson’s Antiques, had been around for as long as Lena could remember. The front of it resembled an old general store, which given the timeworn treasures inside, seemed appropriate.

A gothic walnut buffet sat just across from the office so Lena stood against it, still as a rock watching the scene unfold in front of her.

“I barely managed to get through it. It’s getting weaker. It won’t hold for much longer George,” the man said with a British accent. “Is there anything you can do?”

“I can check my calculations again, perhaps I can strengthen it.” George shook his head and worry began to crease his face. “Did you get it? We never received word.”

Lena’s face wrinkled in confusion. Barely managed to get through it? Check his calculations? What the hell? She mouthed.

“Yes, otherwise I do not believe I would be here. It had to be the power from it that allowed me through.”

The man handed Nora a small package wrapped in burlap. She placed it on the nearest table and unwrapped the covering and let it fall to the side. Inside was a box and her hands shook as she lifted the clasp and opened the lid. Her mother let out a gasp which made Lena want to see what was inside that much more. She stood on her toes to get a better view and when that didn’t work she silently zig-zagged her way between pieces of furniture in the hopes that she could get close enough to see.

Lena wanted to make sure she found out who the man was before they left. She crept back to the front door then opened it and shut it with force to make sure it could be heard in the rear of the store. Ten seconds later the door to the office closed and the three of them walked down the middle aisle with George in the lead.

“Lena!” granddad said with a bit too much enthusiasm, “This is Mr. Garrett Wymond,” he continued politely.

“Hello Mr. Wymond. It’s nice to meet you.” Lena held out her hand.

The man just nodded his head and muttered something inaudible.

“He just brought us a very rare piece. Quite magnificent really,” George and Nora’s eyes met. “If you would, please inventory it and place it into the safe.”

“Sure,” Lena answered. The air in the room was so thick with tension that Lena’s stomach quivered.

Garrett Wymond held a brown leather cowboy hat in his hand and Lena noticed some sort of gold signet ring on his index finger. She focused on it more closely but all she could make out was a green stone surrounded by an etched pattern.

“Nora. George.“ Garrett Wymond nodded then turned to face Lena.

Immediately Lena’s body went rigid, her eyes fixed on his scarred face. A pink line ran from the middle of his forehead over the bridge of his nose to his left cheek. His reddish beard was starting to gray which made him look like a lumberjack. He smiled at her but there was something else on his face, pity. He swiftly turned and walked out the door.

“Wow. What was that all about?” Lena asked after a moment of composure.

“It was nothing Lena,” her mother answered. “He wanted to be paid for his delivery. We were trying to explain that he would receive his payment when we examined the authenticity of the piece.”

“What did he bring, the Holy Grail?” Lena eyed her mother and grandfather and walked down the middle aisle of the store to the office.

The small box sat exactly where her grandfather said it was. Lena reached for her canvas apron with the burgundy Hanson’s Antiques emblem on the front, and fastened it quickly around her waist eager to see what was in the burlap wrapped package. She hadn’t been able to get a good look from her vantage point earlier. Lena had been more than a bit surprised when her grandfather had asked her to inventory it. This seemed like a huge production for something she was going to see anyway.

The box itself looked priceless. From all of the years she had spent working at Hanson’s Antiques, Lena knew that it was made of cedar and she knew it was old. She recognized the warm amber wood and the faint sweet scent which reminded her of the attic at her house which was also filled with small antiques and other possessions. It had an intricate coat of arms carved on the lid which was attached by two thick brass hinges. The carving was hard to make out, worn down from years of wear but it was a bit more archaic than she initially thought. What she thought was a coat of arms looked more like hieroglyphics or small plain etchings. It was certainly not something she had ever seen before. It looked more like something that belonged in a museum rather than an antique store.

Lena put on her gloves and gingerly opened the ornate box. Thick purple velvet lined the inside of the wood and in the middle was a small pillow encased in the same soft material. She ran her finger along the soft material and picked up the little pillow. Her breath caught as she registered what she saw. A small gold medallion, the size of a half dollar piece, was placed securely in the middle of its resting place. It was round with what could only be described as thin delicate spokes, spanning the circumference of the circle. The spokes attached to another small circle which surrounded an emerald about the size of a dime. Immediately she thought of the ring the man was wearing.

Using her magnifying glass Lena looked at the jewel again. What she thought were tiny spindles were more of the same symbols she saw on the box.


6 comments:

  1. It's much cleaner and easier to understand.

    Instead of telling us how she knew it was cedar, tell us. For example: Lena ran her hand over the box. She recognized the warm, amber wood with the sweet smell as cedar, the scent reminded her of her attic at home...or something similar.

    This looks like a great read! Nice revision!

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  2. Hi Kate,
    You have added a lot that has increased the intrigue and tension, and I want to know what is going on.

    I’m confused as to how all of this will have an impact on Lena--why does this man have anything to do with her, what does the ring or the scar have to do with her, and why is whatever is in the box significant to Lena, assuming that the story is about her.

    The following passage was infinitely more intriguing and meaningful to me beacuse of the inner thoughts that you wove in:

    “I barely managed to get through it. It’s getting weaker. It won’t hold for much longer George,” the man said with a British accent. “Is there anything you can do?”

    “I can check my calculations again, perhaps I can strengthen it.” George shook his head and worry began to crease his face. “Did you get it? We never received word.”

    Lena’s face wrinkled in confusion. Barely managed to get through it? Check his calculations? What the hell? She mouthed.

    “Yes, otherwise I do not believe I would be here. It had to be the power from it that allowed me through.”

    But, I am still wondering how any of this would impact Lena, other than to know something about her grandfather’s work. Could you weave something more into this passage about how it connects. And, if we have magic realism at work, maybe we need a stronger sense of it.

    There is still a lot of telling, and you might want to go through and try to eliminate linking verbs. Even the opening sentences have no action verbs:

    The gravel lot of the store was empty when Lena pulled in except for one vehicle, a truck. Not all that odd for a weekday but the CLOSED sign hanging on the door was odd. It was only midday.

    It could change to something like: “Lena frowned when she pulled into the gravel lot and saw the CLOSED sign hanging on the door.” I’m just playing here and I know that there are other important details that you would have to incorporate into the first scene, but I think that action of some sort is stronger and eliminates the telling.
    I have really enjoyed watching your piece develop, Kate and I agree with Kathleen that it is SO much easier to understand! I’m definitely wanting to know about Lena.

    Melanie

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  3. Kate, congratulations on your excellent work! You've really done a nice job of adding tension to these pages.

    Some thoughts:

    I like the CLOSED sign in the opening paragraph, which lets us know right away that something odd is going on.

    I do feel as if the opening line could be sharper. Cleaner. More intrigue. Melanie's idea above works pretty well. Even if you start later, at the door, that might work better. Just a thought.

    The paragraph that beings "located on the main thoroughfare" interrupts the tension for me. I'd much rather see that later in the piece. You have nice tension going on at that moment, and the commercial break to tell us a bit about the store seems to work against you. Perhaps cut it and weave it in later, maybe the second chapter?

    I love, love, love the inner thought you've added in between the dialogue. Great job! It puts us in Lena's head, which is perfect.

    I was also surprised when granddad asked her to inventory the piece, so I'm glad you addressed that by adding Lena's surprise. I've been a nag about why he'd ask her to inventory a piece that's obviously so special, but I have a feeling this is an integral part of the plot. So at least by mentioning Lena's surprise, it seems to at least address what the reader will think...why would he ask her to do this?

    I'm so glad for you and the direction you've taken these pages, and I truly wish you lots and lots of luck with it.

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  4. Wow - much, much cleaner and leaner. Great work.

    The paragraph below seems like a bit of an info dump and it disrupts the flow. I just don't think any of this information is imperative at this point:

    "Located on the main thoroughfare between the university and the center of the sleepy little town, Hanson’s Antiques, had been around for as long as Lena could remember. The front of it resembled an old general store, which given the timeworn treasures inside, seemed appropriate."

    I really like her moving around odd bits of furniture that you name (especially the bit about her zig-zagging). This suggest an antique store, and you flat out say it is very quickly towards the bottom of your piece. That's all I feel like I need.

    Also, as far as her 'zig-zagging' through the store and avoiding the bell - I really love those details. It's showing - without telling - that she knows her way around that place and moving inside of it is second nature. More of that is welcome!

    I agree with the notes about the opening line(s). The idea is right, but the way you've put it all together still needs some tweaking. Again, the use of 'odd' twice in one sentence doesn't work in that particular instance.

    Great work and good luck moving forward!

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  5. My comments from before still hold. I think the opening here needs some polishing. It feels a bit rough. In the 2nd paragraph, for example, you mention both the man and the grandfather and then say "He ran his hand through his hair and spoke using his hands." He who? Grandfather or the man? And is he using sign language? I think not since they are using verbal language later on. So he is, in actuality, gesturing with his hands, not speaking. Things like that. This still needs work, but overall this is much improved, especially the description of the box. Good job.

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  6. With apologies for the delayed reply (travel & internet access issues), just popping in to say that this is getting better, tighter. Per the comments above, I agree that two major difficulties remain. 1-Info dumping and passive verbs. 2- (related) Lena herself is passive, an observer. She wonders and observes but I still feel like, at the end of the 5 p, I don't really know anything about her, which is a problematic feeling to have toward the narrator of a novel with whom you are going to have to travel for hundreds of pages. I'd go ahead and write chapters 2, 3, 4... and then go back and see how you feel about this expositional chapter. All best wishes!

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