Genre: New Adult, Romance/Fantasy
Title: A Beautiful Lie
1st Revision
The gravel lot of the family store was almost empty when Lena pulled in except for one vehicle, a truck. Not all that odd for a weekday but the CLOSED sign hanging on the door was odd. It was only midday. From her car she saw movement through the big plate glass window of the darkened store. A strange man stood eye to eye with her grandfather. He ran his hand through his wavy red hair and spoke animatedly using his hands. Lena’s grandfather, George, rubbed his face with his hands several times and then shook his head from side to side.
As she observed the soundless display through the window Lena wondered why George was troubled and what could possibly have made the customer so agitated. Her grandfather was known around town for always treating his customers with respect; he was such a gracious man, so patient and kind, a gentleman.
Her mother, Nora, quickly came to George’s side and placed her hand on the strange man’s arm. It looked like her mother knew him but Lena didn’t recognize the customer and she was pretty sure she knew everyone her mother and granddad knew since she had lived in the small town her whole life and had spent most of her free time working at the store. Finally, the trio walked out of view and headed to the office at the rear of the store. Normally, Lena would not concern herself about interrupting the conversation but something told her she wasn’t invited to this party.
After several minutes, curiosity got the better of her. She gathered her things from the passenger seat, got out of her Jeep and headed to the front door of the building. Not surprisingly, the door was locked. Slowly Lena pushed the key into the lock and turned gently. The door swung open easily and she was careful not to disturb the brass bell that hung above the door. She crossed to the far wall and tip-toed to the office under cover of armoires, large mirrors, bookcases, and display cabinets.
Located on the main thoroughfare between the university and the center of the sleepy little town, Hanson’s Antiques, had been around for as long as Lena could remember. The front of it resembled an old general store, which given the timeworn treasures inside, seemed appropriate.
A gothic walnut buffet sat just across from the office so Lena stood against it, still as a rock watching the scene unfold in front of her.
“I barely managed to get through it. It’s getting weaker. It won’t hold for much longer George,” the man said with an English accent. “Is there anything you can do?”
“I can check my calculations again, perhaps I can strengthen it.” George shook his head and worry began to crease his face. “Did you get it? We never received word.”
“Yes, otherwise I do not believe I would be here. It had to be the power from it that allowed me through.”
The man handed Nora a small package wrapped in burlap. She placed it on the nearest table and unwrapped the covering and let it fall to the side. Inside was an ornate wooden box and her hands shook as she lifted the clasp and opened the lid. Her mother let out a gasp which made Lena want to see what was inside that much more. She stood on her toes to get a better view and when that didn’t work she silently zig-zagged her way between pieces of furniture in the hopes that she could get close enough to see.
Lena wanted to make sure she found out who the man was before they left. She crept back to the front door then opened it and shut it with force to make sure it could be heard in the rear of the store. Ten seconds later the door to the office closed and the three of them walked down the middle aisle like ducks in a row.
“Lena!” granddad said with a bit too much enthusiasm, “This is Mr. Garrett Wymond,” he continued with a nervous tick to his voice.
“Hello Mr. Wymond. It’s nice to meet you.” She said and held out her hand.
The man just nodded his head and muttered something inaudible.
“He just brought us a very rare piece. Quite magnificent really,” George said and met Nora’s eyes. Something unspoken was exchanged between them.
“Sure,” Lena answered. The air in the room was so thick with tension she could cut it with a knife. Lena’s stomach quivered.
Garrett Wymond held a brown leather cowboy hat in his hand and Lena noticed some sort of gold signet ring on his index finger. She focused on it more closely but all she could make out was a green stone surrounded by an etched pattern.
“Nora. George.“ Garrett Wymond said and nodded, then turned to face Lena.
Immediately Lena’s body went rigid, her eyes fixed on his scarred face. A pink line ran from the middle of his forehead over the bridge of his nose to his left cheek. His reddish beard was starting to gray which made him look like a lumberjack. He smiled at her but Lena saw something else on his face, pity. He swiftly turned and walked out the door.
“Wow. What was that all about?” Lena asked after a moment of composure.
“It was nothing Lena,” her mother answered. “He wanted to be paid for his delivery. We were trying to explain that he would receive his payment when we examined the authenticity of the piece.”
“What did he bring, the Holy Grail?” she asked and walked down the middle aisle of the store to the office.
The small box sat exactly where her grandfather said it was. Lena reached for her canvas apron with the burgundy Hanson’s Antiques emblem on the front, and fastened it quickly around her waist eager to see what was in the burlap wrapped package. She hadn’t been able to get a good look from her vantage point earlier.
The box itself looked priceless. From all of the years she had spent working at Hanson’s Antiques, Lena knew that it was made of cedar. She recognized the warm amber wood and the faint sweet scent which reminded her of the attic at her house which was also filled with small antiques and other possessions. It had an intricate coat of arms carved on the lid which was attached by two thick brass hinges. The carving was hard to make out, worn down from years of wear but it was a bit more archaic than she initially thought. What she thought was a coat of arms looked more like hieroglyphics or small plain etchings. It was certainly not something she had ever seen before. It looked more like something that belonged in a museum rather than an antique store.
Lena put on her gloves and gingerly opened the ornate box. Thick purple velvet lined the inside of the wood and in the middle was a small pillow encased in the same soft material. She ran her finger along the soft material and picked up the little pillow. Her breath caught as she registered what she saw. A small gold medallion, the size of a half dollar piece, was placed securely in the middle of its resting place. It was round with what could only be described as thin delicate spokes, spanning the circumference of the circle. The spokes attached to another small circle which surrounded an emerald about the size of a dime. Immediately she thought of the ring the man was wearing.
Using her magnifying glass Lena looked at the jewel again. What she thought were tiny spindles were more of the same symbols she saw on the box.
On Monday, August 4, 2014 1:56 PM, Kathleen Hedderly
On Monday, August 4, 2014 11:10 AM, Kathleen Hedderly
Name: Kate Hedderly
Genre: New Adult, Romance/Fantasy
Title: A Beautiful Lie
Lena had no idea that her life was about to change when she pulled into the gravel lot of her family’s store. It was almost empty except for one vehicle, a truck. Not all that odd for a weekday but the CLOSED sign hanging on the door was odd since it was only midday. Through the big plate glass window she saw a strange man standing eye to eye with her grandfather. The man looked agitated and Lena’s grandfather, George, looked worried. Her grandfather wiped his hand across his face and she wondered why he was so upset and what could possibly have made the customer so agitated. George had always treated his customers with respect; he was such a gracious man, so patient and kind, a gentleman.
Lena watched as her mother, Nora, quickly came to George’s side and placed her hand on the strange man’s arm. It looked like her mother knew him but Lena didn’t recognize the customer and she was pretty sure she knew everyone her mother and granddad knew since she had lived in the small town her whole life and had spent most of her free time at the store. My second home, she thought.
Located on the main thoroughfare between the university and the center of the sleepy little town, her family’s business, Hanson’s Antiques, had been around for as long as Lena could remember. The front of it resembled an old general store, which given the timeworn treasures inside, seemed appropriate.
When curiosity got the better of her, she gathered her things and headed to the entrance.
“I barely managed to get through it! It’s getting weaker. It won’t hold for much longer George,” the man said. “Is there anything you can do?”
“I can check my calculations again, perhaps I can strengthen it.” George shook his head and worry began to crease his face. “Did you get it? We never received word.”
“Yes, otherwise I do not believe I would be here. It had to be the power from it that allowed me through.”
The man handed Nora a small package wrapped in burlap. She laid it on the nearest table and unwrapped the covering letting it fall to the side. Inside was an ornate wooden box and her hands shook as she lifted the clasp and opened the lid. She peaked inside not allowing herself to glimpse its entire contents in the open. These were dangerous times and it truly was not her right to behold it. By chance she happened to take her eyes away from the alluring piece and looked out of the window that overlooked the parking lot and her heart jumped when she saw Lena strolling toward the front door of the store.
“Lena!” granddad said with a bit too much enthusiasm, “This is Mr. Garrett Wymond,” her granddad continued with a nervous tick to his voice.
“Hello Mr. Wymond. It’s nice to meet you.” The man just nodded his head and muttered something inaudible.
“He just brought us a very rare piece. Could you go into the storeroom and inventory the most recent delivery? You will find it in the small box sitting on my desk. I’m anxious to get it out of the box and examine it. When you‘re finished please put it in the safe.”
“Sure,” Lena answered. She could feel the intensity in the room.
“Nora. George. “ Mr. Wymond acknowledged them and nodded. He put on his brown leather cowboy hat, pulled it low over his face and turned meeting Lena’s gaze. Immediately Lena’s body went rigid, her eyes fixed on his scarred face, a pink line ran from the middle of his forehead over the bridge of his nose to his left cheek. His reddish beard was trimmed neatly and starting to gray which made him look like a lumberjack. He smiled at her but Lena saw something else on his face, pity. Lena looked down at his hands, which were balled into fists, and saw a gold ring on the index finger of his right hand, some sort of signet ring with a coat of arms and something green in the middle. Through all of this he didn’t utter a word and he swiftly turned and walked out the door.
“What was that all about?” Lena asked after a moment of composure. “Who was that? It looked like you were all arguing when I came in.”
“It was nothing Lena,” her mother answered with a hitch in her voice. “He wanted to be paid for his delivery. We were trying to explain that he would receive his payment when we examined the authenticity of the piece.”
“What did he bring, the Holy Grail?” she asked and laughed nervously.
With the slightest flutter both of their eyes met. They didn’t think Lena noticed, but she did.
“What? What am I missing?” she asked and looked back and forth from one to the other.
This time her grandfather answered, “You’re not missing anything? Why?”
“Well, when I made the comment about the Holy Grail, you two looked at each other, like you know something but don’t want to tell me.”
“I’m not sure what you’re talking about Lena. There was no look,” her mother replied but her tone told Lena something different.
“Uh-huh,” Lena said and looked at them skeptically. But she didn’t want to press the issue so she turned and walked quickly to the back of the store to where the office was located.
The small box was setting exactly where her grandfather said it was. Lena reached for her canvas apron with the burgundy Hanson’s Antiques emblem on the front, and fastened it quickly around her waist eager to see what was in the burlap wrapped package. Whatever was inside was the cause of the conflict, she was sure of it.
The box itself looked priceless. From her experience Lena could see that it was made of cedar. She recognized the warm amber wood and the faint scent which reminded her of the attic at her house which was also filled with small antiques and other possessions. It had an intricate coat of arms carved on the lid which was attached by two thick brass hinges. The carving was hard to make out, worn down from years of wear but it was a bit more archaic than she initially thought. What she thought was a coat of arms looked more like hieroglyphics or small plain etchings. It was certainly not something she had ever seen before. It looked more like something that belonged in a museum rather than an antique store.
Lena put on her gloves and gingerly opened the ornate box. It was lined with thick purple velvet and in the middle was a small pillow encased in the same soft material. Her breath caught as she registered what she saw. A small gold medallion, the size of a half dollar piece, was placed securely in the middle of its resting place. It was round with what could only be described as thin delicate spokes, like the wheel of a bike, spanning the circumference of the circle. The spokes attached to another small circle which surrounded an emerald about the size of a dime. Immediately she thought of the ring the man was wearing. Could that possibly be real? I’m no expert but the size of that rock has to be worth a fortune.
ReplyDeleteHi Kate,
Your revised piece has a lot more tension in it, and there tension seems to come more from the action, rather than the telling. You have left me wanting to know more about all of the characters, a good thing! I also want to know what the significance of the emerald is and how it relates to the ring on the man’s finger.
I have a few things to suggest. You use the word odd twice in the very beginning, “Not all that odd for a weekday but the CLOSED sign hanging on the door was odd. It was only midday.” I am wondering if you did that on purpose of if you could say it differently. Granddad never closed his store in the middle of the day. What was going on? , for example.
In the following sentence, “Normally, Lena would not concern herself about interrupting the conversation but something told her she wasn’t invited to this party.” I am wondering if you could have actions show this rather than tell it. FOr example, she could have an internal debate, she could murmur something out loud. I had to read this sentence a couple of times to understand it, so I’m wondering about saying it a different way.
One other thing to think about throughout the piece is the use of said. I think that there are several times when you can use actions to indicate who is talking and this creates opportunities to create more complex characters or have your reader infer more. For example, ““Lena!” granddad said with a bit too much enthusiasm, “This is Mr. Garrett Wymond,” he continued with a nervous tick to his voice.” could be more like: “Lena!” Granddad’s voice seemed too enthusiastic, too ____ to Lena and she felt her neck stiffen... ‘This is Mr. G.W.’ There was definitely a nervous tick in Granddad’s voice.”---you might find that you have more opportunities to build tension with this technique...
I’m impressed with the work that you have done! It reads much better, and even though it was captivating before, it is more so now!
Melanie
I thought you made some great changes. I agree that you need to look at any "telling" and change it to "showing." I'm so curious about what's in the box but I still feel Lena's grandfather wouldn't let her near such a priceless box. I like the sneaking she does to listen in to the conversation.Maybe you could have her watch her grandfather put the box somewhere safe and then she goes to see what it is and opens it. Just a thought. Much better job!
ReplyDeleteHi Kathleen-
ReplyDeleteThere is a reason that George has Nora handle the box and its content. It just comes a page or two later.
Kate
Feels like you're getting closer but I'm still not truly connected to Lena as my POV character. The goal of the first five pages is to get agents/editors/readers to KEEP GOING. But I'm on the fence. There's still a lot of info-dump (chunks of exposition) and passive voice, such as PP 2 (see caps) "As she OBSERVED the soundless display THROUGH THE WINDOW Lena WONDERED why George was troubled and WHAT could possibly have made the customer so agitated. Her grandfather was KNOWN AROUND TOWN for always treating his customers with respect; he was such a GRACIOUS MAN, SO PATIENT AND KIND, A GENTLEMAN." This paragraph is a kind of microcosm of things that still require your attention. E.g., while all of the info you give may need to be shared before the end of story, the reader does not need to know on P1 that George is a GRACIOUS, PATIENT, KIND, GENTLEMAN. So much description slows the pace way down. Imagine that, instead of writing this, you are telling a friend about George. Would you say ALL THAT in a conversation--or even an email? THE FIX? One would be adding, "he said politely" to the line where George introduces mean guy to Lena --sufficient to make George enough of a gentleman for P 1. The box, the contents, while ultimately important feel rather clumsily described. THE FIX? I'd pick one or two of the most gripping details to tease readers with in Ch 1 and save some for later on. And again, we still have Lena hiding, overhearing, wondering but doing very little ACTING on her own and, when she does, all we get is that she's curious, which is a little generic. Why specifically? Why now? Why does the scar freak her out so much (a memory)? EXERCISE #1 before your next revision: Write 1-3 paragraphs describing exactly where Lena is BEFORE she arrives at the store. These are not for inclusion in the ms but to give you a clearer sense of how to write her emotions and motivations in the first chapter. EXERCISE #2: Go back through ms and remove AT LEAST 50% of the adjectives and adverbs. Be merciless. You can always put them back later :) Keep pushing and I really think you'll find your footing and the way into a very good story! Best, Stasia
ReplyDeleteKate, you've done a great job with this revision! Already you've added specific details, like the scent of cedar, avoiding the bell over the door, etc. Nice job. You also changed how she entered the store after being locked out. That makes more sense, because something big and secretive is going down!
ReplyDeleteYou're also showing more, which is good. I still think there are more opportunities to tighten this up and add more "shows," plus "add more fleas"--such as more scent, touch, etc.
A couple of things I wanted to mention:
I think the opening line, although much better, could be stronger. You could even make it ominous in some way. Just playing around here...something like "The door shouldn't have been locked." Or "The door wouldn't budge." Or, or, or. But you know what I mean? Get us in Lena's head with something strange going on.
You mention English accent. I'm wondering if it should be British? I don't know for sure, I just thought it might make more sense. I don't know the rule on that.
There were a couple of cliches that I thought you could replace with something original: "ducks in a row" and "cut tension with a knife."
I also think it would be fun/interesting if we get some of Lena's inner thoughts while the dialog takes place between the man and George/Nora. Is she surprised by what she's hearing? Confused? Just a line or two in between the chatting would help us get inside her head a bit more.
One last thing: This was so much better in that she's sneaking back to look at the box. However, I still have a hard time believing George and Nora would let that box out of their sight. If you still want it set up the way it is, I think it might add tension if she hears someone walking toward the office as she's trying to open the box. Perhaps George calls her name while she's rushing to see what's inside. That's just one idea. But that's a pivotal part, in my opinion. We need to feel the tension of her opening something she's not to supposed to see. We also need to feel the anxiety of George and Nora worrying that Lena will see what's in the box. If the man feels pity for her, the box has to be bad. So George and Nora wouldn't likely let her near it. She'll have to sneak a peek, which you've done, but let's witness some tension and worry there.
You've done excellent work here, and I'm excited to see what you come up with next!
I'd start your story with something big, something that sets the day apart. I'd start right off with the closed sign, because that IS what's different about the day your story begins.
ReplyDelete'Spoke animatedly' is odd. Simply saying he spoke with his hands IS speaking animatedly.
Does she call her own grandfather 'George'? She refers to him as such in the second paragraph.
The first three paragraphs of your story feature your MC observing a curious but rather mundane bit of action. I'd like to see her inside the shop and being a part of it. I think that will help give this beginning a little kick.
The fourth paragraph features three sentences that involve the front door. Get her in there and into the action.
"A gothic walnut buffet sat just across from the office so Lena stood against it, still as a rock watching the scene unfold in front of her." Lena stood against it because it was a gothic walnut buffet? If this is her POV, I think she's going to lean against it without noting the specifics of what it is. This sentence sounds like YOU the author telling us something and Lena, the MC, getting on with her actions at the same time.
I think 'ducks in a row' is out of place. I get that they're all in a line, but I believe that's a phrase generally used when you're talking about people that are targets or easy targets.
“Hello Mr. Wymond. It’s nice to meet you.” She said and held out her hand.
“Hello Mr. Wymond. It’s nice to meet you.” Lena held out her hand.
It's implied that she said it if you give a name to the following action.
"The air in the room was so thick with tension she could cut it with a knife. Lena’s stomach quivered." I don't feel the tension yet - put me in that room, what about the situation is tense? Is her grandfather or mother acting different?
"The small box sat exactly where her grandfather said it was. Lena reached for her canvas apron with the burgundy Hanson’s Antiques emblem on the front, and fastened it quickly around her waist eager to see what was in the burlap wrapped package." Does she have to have her apron on to open it? If she was truly eager, I would think she'd skip the apron.
I like the changes you've made, and overall I'm very intrigued by your world and the apparent mystery. Keep going!
This is much improved, Kate. I was really drawn into this story. My comments are now getting to the nitty gritty details.
ReplyDeleteFirst, seems almost stalkerish with her letting herself into the locked store so quietly and snooping to get a good look. This makes me not like her from the beginning. I suggest that the door not be locked, that she come in normally, the bell rings perhaps but the office door is closed and they don't hear it? Or better yet no bell, the office door is opened a crack and Lena takes a peek and spies the box. That way she is more innocently observing the event and we can be as curious about it as she it.
Second, you mention that when she is finally getting a good look at the box, she sees a coat of arms, but then its heiroglyphics. These two types of symbols look nothing alike and from that close vantage point could not be mistaken for one another. Suggestion - she might guess its a coat of arms from seeing it at a distance through the crack in the door, then clarify what it is when she is looking at it up close.
Third, Lena's reaction to the man's scarred face it too late. Grandpa introduces them, the man refuses to shake her hand, he basically says goodbye, then she reacts? No, she needs to react the moment she is introduced. Then she could offer a shaky hand out of politeness, which he refuses. Also, he mutters something inaudible. Delete inaudible. That means there is no sound. Muttering has sound. You probably mean unintelligible, but the word is not needed at all.
Last, the brief paragraph about the the store being situated on the main thoroughfare feels out of place. I believe it would be more appropriate in the opening paragraph of the story.
Great job so far!