Name: Nurin Chatur
Genre: New Adult XXX
Title: The Incoherency of Now
Hudson, Ruth Constance. July 4, 1920-August 10, 2015. Mrs. Hudson of New York City passed away on Saturday (date) at the age of 97. Mrs. Hudson leaves behind five children (Delia Johnson, Jim Hudson, Matthew Hudson, Josephine Grant and James Hudson), 10 grandchildren and 5 great-grandchildren as well as many other relatives, friends and members of her community. She will be sorely missed. Donations to her family may be made to the American Heart Foundation.
I’ve been doing this for over a year now and it still strikes me, every now and then, that I’m refining, editing, the last time someone’s name will really appear anywhere. I mean, yeah, Google is everywhere now and our names are plastered all over the internet but let’s be honest. Most people don’t amount to anything significant. Sure, your name might be linked with that award you won in high school or maybe they still have that record of your university grad year when you were on the Dean’s List. I wish it wasn’t true but no one, except for maybe our mothers, cares about any of this. The world doesn’t care, doesn’t even notice as people fumble through graduations, marriages, divorces, children, promotions and, most awfully, someone’s unfortunate demise. That’s why, even though I hate my job 80% of the time, I still try to take notice of the person’s whose obituary I’m editing. It’s strange how the obituaries don’t seem to be about the person who died but more so about the family. Take Mrs. Hudson, for instance. Sure, she’s left behind this massive progeny who will hopefully continue to procreate until the end of time. Still, I’m uncomfortable with how we make her death all about her family. Notice the particular emphasis this piece of work has on Mrs. Hudson’s children’s progeny. I’m confused about the intent here. Is it important to tell the world about her great-grandchildren in this short blurb? Why? Is this to console us by saying that there’s part of Mrs. Hudson still alive and traipsing around New York City in a stroller? Or is it because they are her greatest accomplishment? I guess we’ll never know since she’s dead and other people get to decide what will be written in her obituary. I like to ponder things like this while I work. It makes the time pass by, while simultaneously reinforcing my existential crisis. If this is how the ideal obituary is supposed to look like (and I won’t lie, most of the old folks who kick the bucket get something that looks somewhat like this), then mine will be sorely lacking. I’ve had to work on some pieces about younger people who have died. There’s always a line about a lot of potential, or emphasis on their varsity team wins or stunning academic performance. I’m a tad bit above that age group now, so what will they say about me? Used to be kind of intelligent and did well in college? Can run for maybe 15 minutes without passing out? Yeah, Ellie was a great girl. Supremely unremarkable. Oh god, I hope they won’t mention my thrilling job as an obituary editor in my death announcement. I think the cringe would kill me again and I think death is something that is best experienced once. Maybe I should write one.
I wasted fifteen minutes on that. Whoo, I got paid a couple bucks to make my own obituary. The New York Post won’t miss those couple of bucks. After all, it’ll save the next lackey hired after me from having to write it.
Moore, Eleanor (Ellie) Scott. Born September 11, (insert year). Ms. Scott, formerly of Therie, PA passed away (hopefully not today..) in New York City at the age of 24. Ms. Scott leaves behind her parents: Mrs. Deborah Elis and Gary Moore, friends and her dog, Ruffers. Memorial donations will be gratefully accepted at the Save Ruffers from the Shelter fund.
I decided to keep it short. Since you pay by word and because my current worth is like $0 (thank god for scholarships that kept me from being in the negative for too long), I think it would be unfair for me to take up space that someone with more accomplishments (and money) could have. Oh shit, Sierra totally realized I was goofing off. I guess people aren’t supposed to look bright and chipper as they edit (or inappropriately write) obituaries. “Eleanor,” Sierra says as if she’s my superior instead of the other lackey they hired a mere 4 months before me, “are you finished with your pieces, they have to be run at four you know. We don’t want our department to submit them late!” She’s all huffed with importance. I would say puffy from it except she’s a twig who can’t wait to for her break into the fashion writing world. Instead she’s here, with me editing classifieds as if they were headliners. I tried to befriend her at first but then she lumped all the obituaries on me and took all the classifieds for herself, claiming seniority. Like really, editing an advertisement about a 6 year old blue, slightly scratched up bike, is a step up from working on obituaries? Okay, maybe. But I’m just as qualified as her and we both have the title Miscellaneous Editing Assistant. And we both are getting paid a generous $32,000 a year.
“Don’t worry, Sierra” I grit my teeth into a superficial smile, “they’ll be done by 3:30.” She pursues her lips-I think its an attempt to smile, but she can’t-not with the slivers of lips she’s sporting. Fine, since this rambling is happening in my head, I’ll admit that I don’t have particularly luscious lips myself. I should hate her for something else. Like being the stuck up ho that she is. God, I’m brat.
Oh well, the work is essentially done anyways. I have a format I follow when I have to cut those wordy ones into one of our 100 or 250 word limit slots. Name, who they’re leaving behind, if they want donations to be sent anywhere. If there’s space, a line about how they will be sorely missed, or something about a heavy hear at the announcement. Now that I’ve gotten all my life questions out of the way, I can plow through these like they’re products on a factory line. Okay, I need to stop with this internal narration. It’s driving me insane and I’ll never get work done…
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This is a super neat premise! Lots of story possibilities in a girl who gets paid to work on obituaries. I'm really curious as to how that will play out in the story.
ReplyDeleteHOWEVER. It's hard to enjoy the interesting parts of this story because your formatting is really distracting. Paragraph two is especially hard to sort through because it's so large and dense. And the dialogue in paragraph two is totally buried.
For this revision, I suggest seeing how you can break these large blocks of text up. Especially give the dialogue its own paragraph break.Another thing to consider is that the whole thing might read easier if you put in some grounding action or description, for example:
'I pinch the bridge of my nose, trying to stave off a headache. If this is how the ideal obituary is supposed to look like (and I won’t lie, most of the old folks who kick the bucket get something that looks somewhat like this), then mine will be sorely lacking.'
Or
'Sierra pokes her head over the wall of my tiny cubicle. She's frowning again. I guess people aren’t supposed to look bright and chipper as they edit (or inappropriately write) obituaries.
“Eleanor,” Sierra says as if she’s my superior instead of the other lackey they hired a mere 4 months before me, “are you finished with your pieces..."'
Action and dialogue are the two things that ground the reader most, and they can help us invest in your character more, so I'd play around with them and see where it goes.
Good luck! Can't wait to read what you have next!
Hi Nurin -
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this piece so much and soon (teasy) I will tell you why...but let's get some business out of the way. Formatting is a big issue in publishing and I just want to make sure you are up on the basics like double-spacing. When you eventually submit to an agent and/or editor, it will be expected to be formatted in that standard way and that first big chunk is especially blocky. There needs to be a flow that juggles dialogue, narrative, action, etc. Too much of one element can be a turnoff.
What stands out in this piece is VOICE! Congratulate yourself because "voice" is one of those smoky, elusive things that people talk about but is hard to define. It stands out especially in the last few sentences on that first large section.
I'm curious about her "existential crisis" and would kind of like to see it hinted at in her fake obituary. It would tell me a bit about what she thinks she wants or doesn't want / has or doesn't have yet in her life. I was craving to have a grasp on what this story will ultimately be about. I heard an author speak once about the first chapter "making a promise" that the rest of the story must deliver on. I'm not sure that promise has been made yet but a tweak to that obituary could do the trick.
When people critique my work, I often find it really helpful to know the moments that either confused or bored or irritated them in some way. I became aware that I was "checking out" a bit during the last two paragraphs about the coworker. I didn't know if she was important and I kind of didn't care about her. Take that with a grain of salt, but in a first chapter, you want NO reason for a reader to check out.
That leads to the last bit of constructive (I hope) criticism and that is that the chapter could end on a better hook/lead. Make us HAVE TO turn the page! As it stands, the chapter ends on a flat note.
But take away that you have a fantastic intro into this character with lots of compelling voice! Can't wait to read it as is progresses!
The previous comments have touched on the main items that struck me while I was reading your sample.
ReplyDeleteThe things I would echo would be the importance of formatting, particularly as it can impact a reader. Breaking the larger paragraphs into smaller parts tends to have a more aesthetic appeal to the eyes.
And I'd like to echo how valuable it is that you've gotten the MC's voice. That can be pretty hard but it feels as if you've got that down pat.
Hi Nurin,
ReplyDeleteFirst off, let me just say that I love that your MC writes obituaries. And I love the voice that is already evident in that second, ridiculously long, paragraph. I think you can expand the part about her own obituary. It would give the reader a little insight into her life.
I did get a little confused when Sierra entered the scene, but I think that can be fixed by breaking up the paragraphs too.
Mainly, I think you need to focus on formatting so it is easier to read.
Love the voice! Love, love, love. Wow. Just wow.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite lines:
1) Is this to console us by saying that there’s part of Mrs. Hudson still alive and traipsing around New York City in a stroller?
2) Memorial donations will be gratefully accepted at the Save Ruffers from the Shelter fund.
So…
As mentioned, I’d tighten up the last two paragraphs. Share with the reader only what they need to know and don’t lose the momentum you’ve got going because it’s GOOD.
I am also really dying to know what this story is about. Great introduction to the character. But what about the plot?
And, formatting. What everyone else said.
If this were in a bookstore, I’d totally keep reading! Well done.
Hello Nurin,
ReplyDeleteI want to start off by stating that you made writing obituaries sound amusing, which is great. However, it makes me wonder how she got there. I guess I was just looking for a sentence or two snippet of something that is funny and drags the reader in to understanding the background of the MC.
To add to what was previously stated, I'm not a fan of formatting that has dialogue in the middle of paragraphs. It's typically confusing and the meaning behind it becomes muddled. Separations here provide more emphasis on what is being said, thus elevating the purpose of the words being spoken.
I really did enjoy the voice of the character, she seems real to me. I did, however, begin to check out at the end of the excerpt. The co-worker didn't feel real and it seemed to drag down the piece. I was looking for more relevance in their relationship.
I do want to mention again that the voice of the character is strong and she really kept my attention for the most part. Great beginning!
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