Monday, March 10, 2014

1st 5 Pages March Workshop - Moss Rev 1

Name: Michele McCole Moss
Genre: YA Fantasy
Title: The Mythics

Chapter One

Alfy wouldn’t have shot the centaur if she’d known he was helping Bee. But, when she saw him crossing the field with her little sister, his chestnut haunches gleaming in the late afternoon sun, Bee’s head lolled and her body was limp in his arms. Alfy hid inside the shadows of the cabin and silently released an arrow through the window.

She wished she was like the girls who made her want to learn archery in the first place. They didn’t cower while taking down their enemies. But, none of those girls were real. In all the books she’d read, none of those girls fought a centaur.

The flint head and a decent portion of the shaft lodged in the soft place below his shoulder, missing his heart completely. She was still a terrible shot. He bent his head low over her sweet sister, unconscious in his arms. God, she hoped she was just unconscious. Alfy loosed another arrow. It buried itself deep in his abdomen, just missing Bee. Panic ripped through Alfy as she watched him fall. He lifted her sister and curled around her, searching, glassy-eyed, before he collapsed.

They were lying in the grass, clouds of insects disrupted from their business among the stiff golden shoots. Alfy ran to Bee. Her sister, so big for seven, looked tiny tangled up in the arms of the beautiful monster. His carved bow lay in pieces behind him, but Bee was still in one piece. It didn’t make sense. He was a Mythic.

His breath gurgled out of him. Light brown curls haloed his honeyed face. His ridiculously long eyelashes fluttered. Alfy froze.

“Take her,” he said. “She fell.” A spray of blood dotted her sister’s snowy hair as he spoke. His voice was a plucked bass string, low and musical.

Bee yawned like a lazy cat and curled into the centaur’s chest, smearing him with his own blood. Alfy let out a long breath she hadn’t realized she was holding.

Carefully, Alfy pulled her sister from his arms, staring at the centaur. Monsters were ugly, vile things. He had no business being that pretty. The end of the world should be dark and disturbing, so why had they made everything so wretchedly beautiful? It was like burying someone you love on a perfect, sunny day. It was wrong.

Chapter Two

MacKenzie Malone needed the beach today of all days. First, it was the one-year anniversary of her father’s death. It also happened to be her sixteenth birthday. She searched the long stretch of sand in front of her. Ever since the Mythics had come, reclaiming the land, there was no trash.

Without the search for bottle caps and chunks of wave-tumbled glass, cans and lost trinkets, her mind was unoccupied. Her mother always joked that there was never a more dangerous time to be around Mac than when her mind ran idle.

Rows of jars, showcasing her collections, hung from wooden shelves in the garage waiting to become part of a sculpture or picture. She’d helped her dad gather the jars, then drilled the lids into the thick wood. Together they’d twisted the containers into the underside of the pine planks manning the back wall. It was the last project they’d done together. He’d always called the garage his workshop, but Mac never saw him do anything but drink and smoke there.

She wanted some comfort, something good. A celebration? No one celebrated much of anything anymore, but she knew if Aedan Malone was still around he’d unearth alcohol from some hidden place and raise a glass to his baby girl. She swiped at her eyes. She wanted, no she needed, her mom. As usual her mother was busy. She knew she was acting like a child, but she didn’t think it was too much to ask to have her mom all to herself today.

Mac longed for the days before the Mythics came when her mother had complained about the dwindling numbers at the library—the patrons, the hours, the budget. Money meant nothing now and knowledge meant everything. No one called her mom Mrs. Malone or Kat or Kathleen anymore. Everyone called her The Librarian.

It was Kat who had reached back into folklore and pulled out solutions for their problems with the Mythics. Iron was key. It repelled the Mythics like insect spray. Under her mother’s instruction their town’s survivors had framed their coastal neighborhood in iron scraps, scavenged from every possible resource. As a result, they’d largely been left alone. In fact, no one had seen a centaur patrol or pixie swarm for months. It felt just as long since Mac had sat with her mom, just the two of them, and had a conversation.

“What should I do dad?” she yelled.

A seagull startled. She shook her head and mashed her knuckles into her temples. The iron didn’t protect the beach. Everyone stayed on the other side of the highway, or what used to be the highway. The humans that were left never came to the beach because they were convinced some monster was going to crawl out of the ocean and eat them. The thought wasn’t without merit, but Mac couldn’t give up the beach. It was still hers.

She knew what her father would say. In his thick brogue he’d tell her to get off her “arse” and practice her art, as he used to call it. Her “art” according to her father wasn’t the projects she made with beach debris, it was all the things she’d learned at the dojo.

Mac jumped to her feet and shook her head to clear it. The auburn strands in her hair glinted like sparks in rich sunlight. Those strands might possibly be the only physical trait she inherited from her mother, a freckled beauty of a woman. Everything on Mac’s lean, sinewy frame, from her pale white skin to her sea glass green eyes were compliments of Aedan Malone.

Knowing she needed to rid herself of some energy, she took off at a sprint so she could focus on her katas later. She loved practicing martial arts on the beach. Her father had signed her up for every class he could. She sampled everything from Judo to Capoeira. Aedan, himself, taught her boxing, but Mac soon learned a good right hook wasn’t a girl’s best defense. She held brownbelts in Japanese Karate and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and was gaining proficiency in Arnis. Then the Mythics came and everything stopped. So she practiced. Constantly.

When she was little she became obsessed with female warriors, in particular the female samurai of Japan. They fought artistically, beautifully at a distance with their long, deadly weapons.

It took Mac a beat to realize why those double-ended swords popped into her mind during her run. Down the beach stood a man, watching her, a long sword at his side, its tip buried in the sand. Before she could think, she was a few short yards from him.

Chapter Three

Alfy paced the floor between Bee and the window, looking anxiously at the centaur still lying in the grass outside. She should probably kill him. She knew where she hit him was painful and an awful way to die for a human. But he’d helped Bee, a little voice inside her argued. She should help him. He’s one of them another voice said. Before the two opposing views could get in an argument, Bee stirred.

“Where’s Phrix?” Bee said.

6 comments:

  1. Hi,
    I like the addition of the name Bee & the centaur to the first paragraph to ground us in what's going on. With your edits this go around, to me it felt as if some of the melodious quality to your writing that appealed to me in your first draft was lost for somewhat choppier, quick beat sentences, especially further into the chapter. (with the exception of your very second sentence, which felt possibly too long. I had to read it twice.) I liked the sentence in the original para. "she didn't give him a warning" - it created nice tension for the next sentence. I really like the whole notion of this unsure girl trying to save her sister and unwittingly injuring one of the "good guys." I would read on because of it.
    Although I can see from all the info in Chapt. 2 that you have a super interesting premise and you're building a cool world (and I love the idea that she creates art from trash, only there's no more trash) - there is way too much telling and info dump in this chapt. for my taste, so after Chapt 2 I'd be less compelled to read on. Chapt 2 feels like a chapter more for you than for the reader. Is there a way to show us this info sprinkled into the book, and give us more of a sense of what she's dealing with in the moment, through action and dialogue and some internal thoughts?
    I look forward to seeing where you go with this. Merriam

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi,
    I like the addition of the name Bee & the centaur to the first paragraph to ground us in what's going on. With your edits this go around, to me it felt as if some of the melodious quality to your writing that appealed to me in your first draft was lost for somewhat choppier, quick beat sentences, especially further into the chapter. (with the exception of your very second sentence, which felt possibly too long. I had to read it twice.) I liked the sentence in the original para. "she didn't give him a warning" - it created nice tension for the next sentence. I really like the whole notion of this unsure girl trying to save her sister and unwittingly injuring one of the "good guys." I would read on because of it.
    Although I can see from all the info in Chapt. 2 that you have a super interesting premise and you're building a cool world (and I love the idea that she creates art from trash, only there's no more trash) - there is way too much telling and info dump in this chapt. for my taste, so after Chapt 2 I'd be less compelled to read on. Chapt 2 feels like a chapter more for you than for the reader. Is there a way to show us this info sprinkled into the book, and give us more of a sense of what she's dealing with in the moment, through action and dialogue and some internal thoughts?
    I look forward to seeing where you go with this. Merriam

    ReplyDelete
  3. Michele,
    I have a MUCH better sense of who is doing what in the first chapter. I still want to know the age difference between Bee and Alfy, though I am glad to know Bee's age. Good tension between what Alfy thinks she should feel, and the actual emotions that show themselves.

    I agree with Merriam that there is a lot of info in the second chapter. I had a hard time deciding which was more important-her father's death, her mother the Librarian, the Mythics, the lack of trash, her artwork from said trash, or her martial arts. I was most intrigued by the presence of the sword bearer on Mac's beach, and her reaction to him.

    I'm very excited that Bree asks for the centaur by name. I'm also glad to see Alfy's reaction to his injuries.

    Keep it up,
    Jennifer

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  4. Hi Michele,

    With the revisions you've made, I can see the opening scene clearly now. I still don't understand why Bee yawns if she fell down and was injured. (If this relates to some bit of magic the centaur has performed on her -- ignore!). The link between Chapters 1 and 2 feels much more clear in this version with the emphasis on the Mythics in each.

    I'm not sure the information about the rows of jars is in the right place--where it currently is in chapter 2. I think we need action/story at this point rather than back story. I like the way you introduced the dad's name in this version and also the tie-in with Mac's mom becoming essential to the community as the keeper of knowledge. Perhaps trim some of the back story to keep us in the present with Mac more?

    I wondered at Mac yelling "What should I do Dad?" since she's told us the beach is an unprotected place. Perhaps she'd speak or whisper these words? Or, after yelling them, look around for any creatures who might have overheard her?

    In chapter 3, I like the inclusion of the conflict of whether to help an enemy who has come to the aid of someone you love.

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  5. Hi Michele!

    I think the first chapter is a lot easier to follow now--great work! I'm wondering, though, if Alfy is such a poor shot, why is she shooting at someone who's holding her sister? It feels like it would be really easy for her to miss and harm her own sister. I'd be much less worried about this if she was more confident before she took the shot.

    I love all of the back story you've built for Mac, but I feel like it's out of place. I'd like to see Mac being more active--right now you're giving us a lot of information about her all at once. I'm also still unsure how the two pieces fit together, and I'd love to have some sense of how they relate to each other.

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  6. Michele,

    What a great revision! The opening scene is much clearer now. I actually "feel" for the centaur. Alfy's conflict at the end of this section was perfect. Now I want to know more about the centaur. I see him sort of like the beast in Beaty in the Beast. Misunderstood.

    The scene with MacKenzie is also much better. I really liked the bits about her dad--her Irish roots, and the fact that she misses him. I also like the information about Mom. You cleverly wove in world details there, which was great.

    The only thing I can think to add is to the beach scene. You did a fine job of letting us know that the beach isn't protected. I expected Mac to feel a little more fearful before she sees the guy with the sword. Maybe fearful glances would work here, or even sounds that startle her.

    Otherwise, a wonderful revision.

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