Name: JL Carr
Genre: New Adult Urban Fantasy
Title: Rain Dogs
The
moment the door creaked open, Bri pressed her foot into the gap and
shoved the picture of the werewolf through. "Seen him around?"
"What--"
The door jerked, but the man inside recovered fast and let it creak
open a few more inches. He peered out at her, and his scowl twisted into
a slow smirk. “Well, well. Look who’s back. Not even a smile or a
hello, princess?"
She lowered the photo a few inches. Her foot stayed in the doorway just in case. "Hello."
She
knew him as Dirty Dan, and he seemed to have aged ten years in the
months since she saw him last. His face was jagged angles, thinned by
the same drugs he tainted the block with. Dull black hair in sloppy
cornrows, ashy skin pocked with sores, yellowed eyes glittering under
the streetlight. Familiar. Smug. It made her itch.
The
whole neighborhood made her itch, with its boarded-up windows and
whiskey stink and the piles of trash hiding wasted, near-feral humans.
Made her arms feel heavy and sensitive, as if track marks reacted to
memories like some kind of phantom limb ache.
Dan
plucked the picture from her hand and gave it a squint-eyed look. It
was ratty and a couple years old: wolves didn't usually pose for
portraits. She was lucky to have a snapshot at all.
“A wolf?”
"He's been in the city six months. He was using, and yeah, a wolf, which means he bought from you."
Dan
let out a hoarse cough of a laugh. "A hundred people buy from me. A
dozen of ‘em are wolves. You think I ask for personal information? I’m
not a fuckin' bank."
Bri stared at him,
waiting. Not meeting his eyes, not giving away a thing. He thrived on
reactions. Always had. The key to dealing with Dan was to become as
close to a brick wall as a person could get.
Sure enough, when she didn't respond he peered down at the photo again. "What's his name?"
"Pete. Evans."
"Looks
familiar. Why the hell you looking for some werewolf? You ain’t shit,
girl, but you ain't lowdown enough to be mixing with animals."
She answered through clenched teeth. "He’s missing, D. If you know anything, tell me. If not, stop wasting my time."
Eyebrows
raising, Dan slid his gaze up and down her body in lazy challenge. He
opened his hand and let the picture flutter to the ground. "I haven’t
seen him. And if I did I wouldn’t give two sour shits. I don't make
friends with dogs."
She bent to grab the photo
and peel it off the damp cement step, then straightened with a glare she
couldn't repress. The urge to throw an elbow in his face was strong
enough to make her arm clench, but she couldn’t afford to burn any
bridges. Not even shitty, smug bridges who had to be riding high on some
kind of chemical just to be up and moving around.
Dan met her glower with another smirk. “Fuck off, Brianna. Next time you come by either bring some cash or keep on walking.”
She
turned and moved down the uneven steps and to the sidewalk. Her hands
dug deep into her pockets for imagined warmth as she left the crumbling
duplex. The door slammed shut behind her, but the sound barely carried
in the still, stale air.
Dead end.
Bri
hadn't ever met Pete Evans. He was legit, living out on Somena in the
government housing, working the shit job he'd been officially assigned.
He was doing things right, screwed over a hundred ways but suffering it
because he had to get money back to his pack. Pete started using,
spending his money on drugs to get through the day instead of sending it
all home. That made him a disgrace to those traditional Somena wolves,
but Bri understood him. Too damned well.
Odds
were that Pete sticking needles in his arm had nothing to do with why he
was missing, and god knew she was gonna be dragging the slimy feeling
of Dan and his neighborhood behind her like a slug trail the rest of the
night. But she had to try. Nobody helped the ones who needed it most,
and knowing that even the other miserable wolves in the city had written
Pete off made a lot of old rage stir up inside of her.
Bri
was barely twenty-one years old, and like Dan said she really wasn't
shit, but she had more than enough anger to keep her fueled through
another long night of useless searching. She sure as hell wasn't gonna
look for Pete any less hard than she looked for all the others who'd
vanished.
She didn't lift her gaze from the
ground until a glow began spilling onto the sidewalk ahead of her. One
other place she wanted to check before it got too late, and it meant
going uptown.
As soon as she stepped onto
Boren, Bri shifted her posture. She forced her chin up, pushed her
shoulders back, moved more deliberately. She made this transition a lot
lately, but it still took some conscious thought.
Uptown
people walked like they had somewhere to be. They made eye contact.
They smiled greetings at each other. Trudging in shadows, hunching and
avoiding eye contact, that felt more natural to Bri. But she was risking
everything just being outside at that hour. She had to fit in with the
sweet-smelling masses bustling their way from one place to the next. The
idea was to stay as invisible as possible, but invisibility changed a
lot from the shadows to the light.
She kept her
hands in her pockets, but peered at everyone who passed as the
sidewalks got busier. |She practiced her distracted-yet-polite smile at
the few who looked back at her, pretending not to notice their reactions
to her. Too-skinny black girl, natural hair and dark skin. Worn out
clothes, worn out face. She wasn't a threat and she wasn't for sale, so
nobody looked at her twice.
The city changed
around her in just a couple of blocks. The bright glow of
government-erected lighting strips started on the corner of Boren and
Broadway and went into the heart of the tourist district, glaring down
from dusk until dawn in a crass attempt to bring some fake sun to
nighttime. The stillness of the dark neighborhood she left behind was
replaced by the growl of traffic and the ripple of cheerful voices
speaking without fear.
The only change that
didn't make her tense was in the air itself, the clearing of the thick
rank odors behind her. The sour smell of dirt and mold, cheap alcohol
and the sweat of unwashed bodies. That stink never went away entirely,
not in a city big as Seattle. But downtown it was thinned by a breeze of
salty harbor air and then covered with layers: perfume, car exhaust,
flower stands, hot food. Endless steam from the thousands of coffee cups
carried by red-eyed humans pretending it was natural for them to be
nocturnal.
She breathed deeper uptown. It was the one part of the transition that she actually enjoyed.
Less
than a block off Broadway, where the lights were still patchy and the
tourists weren’t clogging up the sidewalks, a sudden scent in the
clearing air grabbed at her attention.
Sweat.
Human. Different from the stink of athletes or the funk of the
soap-deprived. This was a potent sharp sweat all its own, cold and tangy
with adrenaline.
Fear.
She
slowed her pace down the sidewalk, curious. It took some focus to
filter through the normal stink in the air and radar in on where that
smell was coming from.
Fear sweat, cheap cologne...
And near it, under it, the wispy scent of blood.
Not
the copper bite of spilled blood, this was a barely-there tickle, old
blood but not stale. Digested, trailing from breath and skin the same
way humans leaked their food from their pores.
Only one thing in the world smelled like a blood meal.
I have nothing to offer. This reads fast and well. The back story you offer never feels like an infodump. The hints of her background are subtle and played at just the right times.
ReplyDeleteSitting here thinking 5 minutes more...yeah. I've got nothing for you. I'll stop by later, if I think of something you might find helpful. Chances are, I won't. This is pretty darn polished as is. Nice.
Hello JL,
ReplyDeleteIt’s hard to improve on something this polished, but the subtle changes you’ve made have done just that. You’re a very talented writer and this piece held my attention each time I read it. I’ve really enjoyed reading it each week and would definitely buy the book.
You’ve also taught me that just because a paragraph or sentence isn’t brought up as an area of concern, it should still be looked at and adjusted if possible to make something clearer or write a stronger sentence. I tried to do that this week. You truly do learn as much from critiquing others as having your own critiqued. Thank you.
I have nothing in the way of constructive criticism to offer. Keep it up is all I can say. Maybe we could see the next piece if it’s not breaking any rules. A little reward to us all, for a job well done?
Thanks! I'm a bit chuffed at the idea that the next piece of the chapter could be a reward for someone. :D I'd be glad to put up the next bit if you like. The whole first chapter is currently 17 pages, so maybe not the whole thing. But the next bit. :) If it's not breaking any rules or anything.
DeleteI have to echo Tina & April -- I love this! I didn't think it could get any better, and you definitely proved me wrong. Fantastic job, JL. I wish I could see the rest of it -- and I hope that one day I will. :)
ReplyDeleteHi, there,
ReplyDeleteWell you certainly HAVE worked hard on this, and I'm so impressed. It was excellent before, and it's even stronger now. And I won't spend time on additional praise, because this truly is solid -- so enough said.
But.
While it is definitely more seamless now, I think you could still pull it a little bit more together and ground the reader a wee bit more easily.
1) Consider giving us a clue how Dan smells to her. Does she test his scent for any sigh he suspects her, fears her, reacts to her in some way that would signal danger to her? Just a line here could alert us that she's other and hiding, and that would ground us in the story while simultaneously creating tension that would bridge the whole opening. We would understand the "legit" comment much more easily if we suspected Bri wasn't legit -- and that that had consequences.
2) Give us a hint while she's with Dan that she's giving a thought to her posture and her demeanor with him, so that the shifts in her posture as she melts into the city takes on more significance. It could be even more powerful for us to know that she doesn't have a safe zone anywhere -- not with the likes of Dan, not with the legit wolves, and not with humans. You don't have to tell us this -- just hint at it a little more strongly by introducing her thoughts with Dan.
3) Consider making Dan's dialogue about her not being shit a little bit more on point to show he doesn't think she's a wolf
4) Give us a hint of stakes. What is she risking in going after Pete and the other wolves -- what will happen if she, as an illegitimate wolf, will get caught.I'm assuming that hovers somewhere around your story question, in fact, all of these things are (I hope) related to your story question, which ideally would be great to have in the first paragraph or two in some way. Interior -- deep story question -- as well as exterior.
And finally, a few things that might still smooth out the transition between Dan's and the vampire encounter:
ReplyDelete1) Watch your pronoun vs name use with Bri. When we first leave Dan, using Bri once or twice immediately settles us firmly in her POV, but once we are there and there is no one else on stage, using her name too frequently adds distance and subtly begs the question of POV.
And here you are *telling* much more than showing, so take the POV even deeper:
Bri was barely twenty-one years old, and like Dan said she really wasn't shit, but she had more than enough anger to keep her fueled through another long night of useless searching. She sure as hell wasn't gonna look for Pete any less hard than she looked for all the others who'd vanished.
She didn't lift her gaze from the ground (why? unclear and a little awkward here) until a glow (clear?) began spilling onto the sidewalk ahead of her. One other place she wanted to check before it got too late, (does this relate to the glow?) and it meant going uptown.
As soon as she stepped onto Boren (consider using Ave or St etc to make sure we aren't stepping on a person. Is the name of the street important? Or can you give us a sense instead of what this represents in terms of the type of neighborhood? Does the transition from one economic area to another happen that suddenly), Bri shifted her posture. She forced her chin up, pushed her shoulders back, moved more deliberately. She made this transition a lot lately, but it still took some conscious thought.
Uptown people (this paragraph feels like it needs a better bridge or perhaps just omitting the paragraph break would allow the reader to stay oriented between the thoughts more easily) info feels like it comes too late) walked like they had somewhere to be. They made eye contact. They smiled greetings at each other. Trudging in shadows, hunching and avoiding eye contact, that felt more natural to Bri (Could be shown more clearly above and therefore omitted here). But she was risking everything just being outside at that hour (what? stakes?). She had to fit in with the sweet-smelling masses bustling their way from one place to the next (why? stakes!). The idea was to stay as invisible as possible, but invisibility changed a lot from the shadows to the light.
..
The city changed around her in just a couple of blocks. The bright glow of government-erected lighting strips started on the corner of Boren and Broadway and went into the heart of the tourist district, glaring down from dusk until dawn in a crass attempt to bring some fake sun to nighttime. The stillness of the dark neighborhood she left behind was replaced by the growl of traffic and the ripple of cheerful voices speaking without fear. (Flow. This feels like you're giving us what we needed above in terms of the geography, and as a result, it feels like we're getting reaction before action. Smooth this out?)
Again, these are tiny, nitpicky changes. Overall, this is very solid, and if this is/were a completed manuscript, I have no doubt that you would find representation quickly.
Best of luck! And definitely, please, please let me know how you get on with this piece. I'm going to be crossing my fingers and toes for you on this one! :) And lining up to read it when it's on the bookstore shelves!
These opening pages were amazing to begin with, but now they're stunning. So much extra "fleas" have been added, touching on all the senses. I'm glad you took out the dinner with dad part…it reads smoother now, and nothing takes us out of the story. Honestly, I can't think of a thing to add. Like Martina, I think this could be repped and sold. Excellent job!
ReplyDeleteThis is wonderful! Just popped by to read all the final revisions this week and can't help leaving a comment. LOVE THIS: "Endless steam from the thousands of coffee cups carried by red-eyed humans pretending it was natural for them to be nocturnal." Brilliant, unique turn-of-phrase. Echoing all above. Let us know when you sell this ms so I can add it to my Goodreads :)
ReplyDelete