Name: Jenny Perinovic
Genre: Young Adult Gothic Romance
Title: A Magic Dark and Bright
I hadn't seen the ghost who haunted the woods behind my house since the night she watched my brother die.
I used to catch glimpses of The Woman in White from my bedroom window. She glowed in
the moonlight, a pale wraith in a white dress that curled around her
ankles and twisted in an ancient breeze that didn't touch the pine trees
around her.
I pressed my palm flat against the screen and waited, like I had almost
every night since the accident. My brother, Mark, used to tease me about
my interest in her. My overactive imagination, he called it. Or my
delusional obsession, when he was being mean. "Watch out, Amelia," he'd
say, throwing his hand to his chest. "She's going to lure you out into
the woods and steal your soul."
But that was before. Now they were both gone.
"Come on," I whispered, like I could summon her with my words. I rested my
head against the window frame and yawned as the big grandfather clock in
the hallway chimed once. Nothing stirred outside--the row of trees that
bordered our yard stood still under the light of the full moon, black
branches stretched towards the sky. There wasn't even a breeze to
flutter the gauzy curtains that hung around my windows. The woods were
empty.
Everything was empty.
I slid out of bed. It was pointless to keep looking; if she hadn't shown
up by one, she wasn't going to show up at all. Sometimes, in the middle
of the night when the corners of my brain went fuzzy from exhaustion and
the entire world around me was dark, I wondered if I wanted to see her
too much, wondered if my wanting scared her away. And then I'd think how
absurd that was, scaring away a ghost.
I made my way down to the kitchen carefully, avoiding the third step from
the bottom of the stairs that always groaned underfoot. I made myself a
glass of chocolate milk with the light turned off, moving from cabinet
to refrigerator to sink by memory. I didn't want to wake my mom; she
didn't need to know that I still wasn't sleeping. I may have told
her--and Dr. Everhart, the therapist she and my uncle had forced me to
see after the accident--that the nightmares had stopped. And they had,
as long as I didn't let myself sleep.
I settled myself back into bed and picked up the remote. Nothing but infomercials and Seinfeld
reruns would be on TV at this hour--I'd learned that the hard way.
Luckily, I had an entire stack of Mark's movies to work my way through.
Most of them were things I never would have watched before: slasher
flicks and raunchy comedies, mostly, but they made me feel closer to
him. I switched the TV on and paged through the menu until I found the
place I'd left off the night before.
Outside, tires crunched on gravel and twin beams of light flashed in the window,
momentarily blinding me. I frowned and set the remote down. Our street
was a dead-end; it was rare enough that a car would drive by our house
during the day. I crossed to the window over my desk, the one that
overlooked the side of the house. I pushed aside the curtain and peered
outside. Our driveway was dark. But there was a car pulling into Ms. MacAllister's driveway next door.
The porch light switched on at the same moment the driver killed the
engine. Ms. MacAllister stepped outside. She ran a hand over her
shoulder-length dyed blonde hair before she cast her gaze up, toward my
window, like she could somehow sense that I was watching. My heart
slammed against my ribs and I let out a squeak. I pressed myself to the
wall next to the window, even though the room behind me was dark and I
was almost positive she couldn't see me from where she stood. I closed
my eyes and took a deep breath.
Sometimes it was easy to almost believe the stories that everyone in our tiny
town of Asylum, Pennsylvania, had about Ms. MacAllister, who lived alone
in the crumbling mansion next door and sold herbs and crystals and who
knew what else from her shop along the riverfront.
You're too old for that stuff, I told myself. Ms. MacAllister wasn't a witch, anymore than I was.
Witches didn't exist.
Then again, ghosts weren't supposed to exist, either. And I'd seen the Woman
in White enough times to know that people were wrong about that.
The sharp crack of a car door slamming echoed like a gunshot. Voices, one
low and deep and one higher, carried across the still night, but they
were too faint for me to understand what was being said. I gathered my
courage and lifted the curtain again.
A guy, tall and thin, stood next to the car, a bag slung over his
shoulder. Ms. MacAllister met him on the bottom step and wrapped her
arms around him in a hug. He pressed a kiss to her cheek and laughed.
He turned and gestured at the car, and for whatever reason I was
surprised to see how young he was--maybe only a little bit older than
me, with a mop of brown curls and thick, black framed glasses that
glinted in the yellow light.
I watched them climb the stairs together, and I watched the door shut
behind them and the porch light go out. I chewed on my lip and waited
for a moment longer before I drew the blinds closed over that window. I
turned back to my bed and reached for the cord for the window that faced
the woods. I yanked the cord and scanned the trees one last time.
And there she was.
She flickered between the trees, her long white dress twisting in a non-existent breeze, her feet hovering over the ground.
I froze, almost afraid to breathe.
She was there.
And if she was there, maybe, just maybe…
Any thought I had in my head evaporated as she left the cover of the woods
and floated above the grass along the tree line. She stopped, her entire
being flickering like a projection of an old-time newsreel, moonlight
dancing across pearl-white skin. She raised her arm and pointed. Pointed
straight at the MacAllister House.
I clapped my hands to my mouth and the blinds crashed down over the
window. By the time I had stopped trembling enough that I could lift
them again, she was gone.
Really nice work. You've made me very curious which is awesome! One thing I noticed. There's a portion of space where you start each paragraph with "I". I slid. I made. I settled. Try to watch the repetitive sentence structure. Make sure there aren't uniform blocks on the page. I do love the ghost, the mystery, and the bits you added about the neighbor.
ReplyDeleteEeeeee!!! What a great way to start a ghost story! I totally want to read it!
ReplyDeleteSome quick thoughts.
1. I really stumbled over your opening sentence, in fact I had to read it three times before I could even get into the rest of the book. Something about the way it's structured maybe? (I liked the second sentence much better as a starter, but that's just me.)
2. There's a lot of backstory in these pages, and while you do a great job of working it in, I found myself getting pulled out of the flow of the story itself. We don't need to know quite so much quite so fast, if that makes any sense. You could feed in the information that her mom thinks her nightmares have stopped in the next conversation she has with her mom, for example.
3. Going along with that, there were places where you told us something that the character has already shown us. For example, when she says she's learned the hard way that there's nothing on late night TV. You've already done such a great job in the previous sentences of showing us that this is something she does all the time, we don't need the obvious reminder.
Basically, you've set up a really compelling situation here: waiting for a ghost, being up at night in secret, watching her brother's movies, etc. Readers are savvy enough to get super invested just from that, and we can pick up a lot about her mental state as well. But too much backstory and motive-explaining actually gets in the way. Does that make sense? Let me know if you need any clarification or anything. :)
I love the changes! This read so much more like a novel, I kind of want to keep reading. :)
ReplyDeleteThere were a couple things--pretty minor.
1.) The graph, "Sometimes it was easy" is one big sentence. Is there a way to pare this down a little. I stumbled just a tad.
2.) For some reason I keep reading the sentence, "It was pointless to keep looking; if she hadn't shown up by one, she wasn't going to show up at all" as "by now" instead. Like I said--minor.
3.) In the sentence, "I may have told her--and Dr. Everhart, the therapist she and my uncle had forced me to see after the accident--that the nightmares had stopped," I don't think you need to tell us who the doctor is. I think it can be assumed she's a shrink.
4.) Can I just say how much I loved how you refer to the mystery boy as "the guy" first and then notice he's her age? "The guy" says he's an older man, but then she sees he's her age and she's surprised. I just love that. I know normally we'd look at a teen guy and call him a boy, but the fact that she doesn't is just great. He could be anyone at first glance. Nice. :)
5.) I'm not sure why she claps her hands to her mouth or trembles. It sounds like she really wanted to see the ghost, so her reaction is curious to me.
But, yay! I really like the changes you've made. This is a great start!
Hi Jenny,
ReplyDeleteI really liked your story since last week and it's coming along great. You did a good job about clarifying some things like “Asylum” and the ending is a lot more clear now.
There are some things that you can do to make it smoother. You can trim down the paragraph about getting chocolate milk and watching movies. I think you can still keep it, but edit it down so it’s not a play-by-play of what Amelia is doing.
You should also watch for the use of “I” like in this paragraph: I watched them climb the stairs together, and I watched the door shut behind them and the porch light go out. I chewed on my lip and waited for a moment longer before I drew the blinds closed over that window. I turned back to my bed and reached for the cord for the window that faced the woods. I yanked the cord and scanned the trees one last time.
Lastly, I am a little unclear about this sentence: And if she was there, maybe, just maybe…
I am unclear about this sentence because I am not sure what Amelia is expecting. Amelia already saw the woman ghost. So what else could the maybe be? It just seems weird to me.
Overall I really like where your story is going and I do want to find out what happens next and the history of this ghost.
Maria M
Hi Jenny,
ReplyDeleteYou did a great job on this revision! You’ve added a few details, but you pared down some others and those parts are really adding to the tension and pacing of these first pages.
I like the addition of this line: But that was before. Now they were both gone.
This is much better: I made my way down to the kitchen carefully, avoiding the third step from the bottom of the stairs that always groaned underfoot. I made myself a glass of chocolate milk with the light turned off, moving from cabinet to refrigerator to sink by memory. I didn't want to wake my mom; she didn't need to know that I still wasn't sleeping. I may have told her--and Dr. Everhart, the therapist she and my uncle had forced me to see after the accident--that the nightmares had stopped. And they had, as long as I didn't let myself sleep.
I also like the switch-up with the stairs, and the last line, but I’d cut this line: Dr. Everhart, the therapist she and my uncle had forced me to see after the accident—Leave it at the therapist. We don’t need to know a name for the doc yet and the uncle is unimportant at this stage.
I know you want to plaint a vivid picture, and I struggle with this a lot myself, but if we get to many details on someone all at once, it doesn’t flow and turns into one of those really long sentences. How you’d described her before was fine: She ran a hand over her shoulder-length dyed blonde hair before she cast her gaze up, toward my window, like she could somehow sense that I was watching.
Can you tighten this up some? It’s another long one. When one sentence turns into a paragraph, which I’ve seen in both drafts, it feels like too much.
Sometimes it was easy to almost believe the stories that everyone in our tiny town of Asylum, Pennsylvania, had about Ms. MacAllister, who lived alone in the crumbling mansion next door and sold herbs and crystals and who knew what else from her shop along the riverfront.
This seems a bit much for a car door closing: The sharp crack of a car door slamming echoed like a gunshot. I say this because I want to feel the danger, not be told it’s dangerous. This feels like it’s here to get my attention, but instead takes me out of the moment. Does that make sense?
A guy, tall and thin, stood next to the car, a bag slung over his shoulder. Ms. MacAllister met him on the bottom step and wrapped her arms around him in a hug. He pressed a kiss to her cheek and laughed. DELETE (He turned and gestured at the car, and) For whatever reason I was surprised to see how young he was--maybe only a little bit older than me, with a mop of brown curls and thick, black framed glasses that glinted in the yellow light.
I don’t remember exactly how this next paragraph was worded before, but it read tighter. I think it’s the last two sentences where you’ve added in the cord. I would just say she looked out the window. Again, it is more ominous if she looks over and sees the ghost then to have all this build up of her yanking the blinds up.
I watched them climb the stairs together, and I watched the door shut behind them and the porch light go out. I chewed on my lip and waited for a moment longer before I drew the blinds closed over that window. I turned back to my bed and reached for the cord for the window that faced the woods. I yanked the cord and scanned the trees one last time.
Great last line. I feel her fear. I clapped my hands to my mouth and the blinds crashed down over the window. By the time I had stopped trembling enough that I could lift them again, she was gone.
Hi Jenny,
ReplyDeleteI think you have a really nice voice. Your rhythm and pacing are good. You've really painted the scene well and we get a real sense of place.
Clearly, you have talent as a writer.
My suggestion is to really look carefully at each paragraph. As I read, I found myself saying: cut this, delete that, tighten that up. All small things really, nothing a good editor couldn't help with. Then again, WE want to be the ones making those choices.
There tends to be just a tad bit of over-description in some of the paragraphs: For instance, when you describe Ms. MacAllister: She ran a hand over her shoulder-length dyed blonde hair...
That took me out of the scene. I've learned to trust your reader. Let them fill in some details.
I felt there were lots of "cool and ancient breezes throughout." Just be careful with sensory details. Parse them out minimally. That way, I've learned, they have more of an impact.
Overall, I think you have a good voice, and that is what is really important.
Best of luck and thanks for sharing!
Wow. What a difference. Fantastic editing job! This reads really clean and flows nicely. Creep factor way up and some beautiful sentences/writing. First sentence trips me up every time, also. Quite a mouthful. To fix… and for this round in general (taking on some of the others' comments/suggestions), I’d suggest reading the whole thing out loud. And tweaking some until it SOUNDS amazing to YOUR ears. It’s so close. Trust your ears to polish/shape.
ReplyDeleteI get you need to have her killing some time with the TV prior to MacAllister coming home… and you worked in some nice little family details there… BUT anyway to tighten that into some more active sentences. She’s running her hands along her brother’s old movies, or fiddling with the remote with the tv not even non since she knows from past experience it’ll be nothing but crap at this time. Perhaps an opportunity to better connect the ghost and MacAllister.
This is minor plot stuff now to work out some with a couple bridges. I’m trying to work out: (1) she wakes up looking for a ghost she hasn’t seen in awhile (2) she kills some time because she can’t sleep, restless (3) MacAllister, the witch neighbor comes home (4) the ghost DOES show up and points at MacAllister’s house. The coincidence of that is a lot to take. Unless, she wakes up restless and is thinking hard about the ghost. A sort of herald. Something she hasn’t thought of in years. Which is, I think, what this is going for, but they seem disconnected now. WHEN is she writing/telling this story??? Is there an opportunity for a more direct connection: I hadn’t seen the ghost since my brother died, but she came again to warn me of the witch…. Kinda thing. There’s a direct connection. If I’m gonna get a ghost AND a “witch” in the first five pages, it seems the narrator should be aware of that – and give some weight – to that upfront.
Minor tweak: The “Lady in White” has been the name of several ghost movies and there are about a hundred ghosts called that. It’s kind of a cliché. If intentional, cool. But seems she’d make some reference/acknowledgment of that cliché. It’d be like naming her stuffed bear “Teddy.” Again, people do it all the time… but it seems like if so, she’d say it with a half-smile, like, yeah, I know corny, but… it wasn’t to us.
Again, really excellent second draft!
Okay, I owe you a double review, don't I? But I know line edits are against the rules, so I'll just state everything I think as thoroughly as possible.
ReplyDeleteOne thought I had about the section overall was that the mood you're setting with the ghost and the memory of her brother's death is perfect...and then you add in a possible witch and it gets a little bit over the top. It feels like too much for the first five pages, anyway. As she says, she's too old to believe in witches. I wonder, just a thought, if maybe the focus could be on the ghost and everything else, including the neighbor and her new guest, can be an afterthought until AFTER the ghost makes her reappearance and points at the neighbor's house. I mean when she sees her ghost focusing on that woman that would be a great time for her to mentally rehash everything dodgy about the old woman, including that people used to think she was a witch.
Right, getting a little more specific. The third paragraph is where the current action starts, but it takes a moment to realize that. Maybe because you go from past to present to past (with Mark) to present again. Is there anyway to be a little less whiplash with it? Open with reflecting on the past and Mark's making fun of her and all, and then place her present-day sitting by her window? Just a suggestion.
I also have a question about logistics. Your narrator's bedroom is upstairs, would headlights pulling up at the house next door make it through her window as anything but a reflected glow? And if she's watching TV in the dark, her eyes are pretty used to light. The bit about headlights momentarily blinding her strikes me as hard to picture. I think I'd prefer if the moving light sweeps over her room and casts strange shadows, or something like that that can maintain the mood but not get the reader wondering about how the light's traveling up to her window so intensely.
The next logistical thing that took me a moment was her describing her neighbor's house as a crumbling mansion. Instantly I'm trying to picture what kind of neighborhood has a mansion right next door to a normal house, close enough that the neighbors can spy on each other. I think just the word mansion is throwing me off a bit. Maybe because I'm currently in England, where mansions tend to come complete with a hundred acres of yard to close them off from neighbors.
And the last thing was the blinds. Her 'yanking' them up seems sudden and a loud kind of gesture for the hushed mood that's fallen. Same with them crashing down when she releases the cord. That sort of sudden jarring noise is great for the mood, but most blinds don't behave that way, they usually have catches to stop them from crashing down. That is a pretty picky little nitpick, though.
The mood of the piece is terrific, it's perfect for a gothic story. You immediately know that this curly-haired guy is going to be important, and the ghost is fantastic. I love the sheer idea of a girl desperately hoping to see a ghost because it brings her back to her brother. (At least that's what I'm guessing is the reason she looks out for the ghost so obsessively.)
Great job! Really.