Genre: NA Urban Fantasy
Title: Rain Dogs
The
moment the door creaked open, Bri pressed her foot into the gap and
shoved the picture of the werewolf through. "Seen him around?"
"What--"
The door jerked, but the man inside recovered fast and let it creak
open a few more inches. His scowl twisted into a smirk when he saw her.
“Well, well. Look who’s back. Not even a smile or a hello, princess?"
She lowered the photo a few inches. Her foot stayed in the doorway just in case. "Hello."
She
knew him as Dirty Dan, and he seemed to have aged ten years in the
months since she saw him last. His face was jagged angles, thinned by
the same drugs he tainted the block with. Dull black hair in sloppy
cornrows, ashy skin pocked with sores, yellowed eyes glittering under
the streetlight. Familiar. Smug. It made her itch.
The
whole neighborhood made her itch, with its boarded-up windows and
whiskey stink and the piles of trash hiding near-feral humans who would
lash out at anyone who came too close. Made her arms feel heavy and
sensitive, as if track marks reacted to memories like some kind of
phantom limb ache.
Dan plucked the picture
from her hand and gave it a squint-eyed look. It was ratty and a couple
years old: wolves didn't usually pose for portraits. She was lucky to have a snapshot at all.
“A wolf?”
"He's
been in the city six months. He was using, and yeah, a wolf, so he
bought from you. Unless someone else is selling during the days
lately."
Dan let out a hoarse cough of a
laugh. "A hundred people buy from me. A dozen of ‘em are wolves. You
think I ask for personal information? I’m not a fuckin' bank."
Bri
stared straight ahead, waiting. Not meeting his eyes, not giving away a
thing. The key to dealing with Dan was to become as close to a brick
wall as a person could get.
When she didn't respond he glanced down at the photo again. "What's his name?"
"Pete."
"Looks
familiar. Why the hell you looking for some werewolf? You ain’t shit,
girl, but you ain't lowdown enough to be mixing with animals."
She answered through clenched teeth. "He’s missing, D. If you know anything, tell me. If not, stop wasting my time."
Eyebrows
raising, Dan's gaze slid up and down her body in lazy challenge. He
opened his hand and let the picture flutter to the ground. "I haven’t
seen him. And if I did I wouldn’t give two sour shits. I don't make
friends with dogs."
She bent to grab the photo
and peel it off the damp cement step, then straightened with a glare
she couldn't repress. The urge to throw an elbow in his face was strong
enough to make her arm clench, but she couldn’t afford to burn any
bridges. Not even shitty, smug bridges who had to be riding high on some
kind of chemical just to be up and moving around.
Dan met her glower with another smirk. “Fuck off, Brianna. Next time you come by either bring some cash or keep on walking.”
She
turned and moved down the uneven steps and to the sidewalk. Her hands
dug deep into her pockets for imagined warmth as she left the crumbling
duplex. The door slammed shut behind her, but the sound barely carried
in the still, stale air.
Dead end.
Bri
hadn't ever met Pete Evans. He was legit, living out on Somena in the
government housing, working the shit job he'd been officially assigned. He was doing things right, screwed over a hundred ways but suffering it because he had to get money back to his pack. Pete
started using, spending his money on drugs to get through the day
instead of sending it all home. That made him a disgrace to those
traditional Somena wolves, but Bri understood him. Too damned well.
Odds
were that Pete sticking needles in his arm had nothing to do with why
he was missing, and god knew she was gonna be dragging the slimy feeling
of Dan and his neighborhood behind her like a slug trail the rest of
the night. But she had to try. She wasn't gonna look for Pete any less hard than she looked for all the others who'd vanished.
Before
she could head to her dad's place for the dinner she'd owed him all
week there was one last place she wanted to check out, closer to the
tourist-clogged streets near the Sound.
She didn't stop moving or lift her gaze from the ground until a glow began spilling onto the sidewalk ahead of her.
The
difference between the world east of Broadway and west was palpable. It
could be seen in the bright glow of government-erected lighting strips
that started on the corner of Boren and Broadway and went into the heart
of the tourist district, glaring down from dusk until dawn in a crass
attempt to bring some fake sun to nighttime. It could be heard in the
growl of traffic, the ripple of cheerful voices speaking without fear.
It
could be smelled in the clearing of the thick rank odors behind her.
The sour smell of cheap beer and the sweat of unwashed bodies never went
away, not in a city big as Seattle. But downtown it was thinned by a
breeze of salty harbor air and then covered with layers: perfume, car
exhaust, flower stands, hot food. Endless steam from the thousands of
coffee cups carried by red-eyed humans pretending it was natural for
them to be nocturnal.
As soon as she stepped
into the light as she crossed onto Boren, Bri carefully shifted her
posture. She forced her chin up, pushed her shoulders back, moved more
deliberately. Most humans didn't walk with eyes down. Not the innocent
ones, at least. She was risking everything just being outside at that
hour, she had to fit in with the sweet-smelling masses bustling their
way from one place to the next.
Luckily in
the world of humans Bri was a non-entity. Always had been. Too-skinny
black girl, natural hair and dark skin. Worn out clothes, worn out face.
She wasn't a threat and she wasn't for sale, so she was invisible. As
long as she wasn't acting suspicious no one looked at her twice.
Less
than a block off Broadway, where the lights were still patchy and the
tourists weren’t clogging up the sidewalks, a sudden scent grabbed at
her attention. Sweat. Human. Different from
the stink of athletes or the funk of the soap-deprived. This was a
potent sharp sweat all its own, cold and tangy with adrenaline.
Fear.
Humans
usually covered up any trace of their natural scents. They smelled like
shampoo and fabric softener and garlic and stale coffee, burying
anything natural until it was almost undetectable. Fear, though, was
sharp. It cut through anything artificial that tried to bury it.
She
slowed her pace down the sidewalk, curious. It took some focus to
filter through the normal stink in the air and radar in on where that
smell was coming from. Fear sweat, cheap cologne...
And near it, under it, the wispy scent of old blood. Another
smell all its own. Blood was a sharp and unmistakable thick copper
stink, but this was subtle. This was digested blood leaking from a cool
living body the same way humans leaked their food from their pores.
Only one thing in the world smelled like a blood meal.
Bri
grinned, heart pounding faster the moment she realized what she'd
found. She moved fast, tracking the scent. Her fists came out of her
pockets and her focus tunneled. The people moving past her, the coffee
steam and perfume, the clack of heels and the chirp of cell phones, all
faded to a far-off hum.
Ahead. To the right.
She
slowed as she came to the opening into a narrow alley. That was it.
Moving up against the boarded-up diner that made up one side of the
alley, she peered in. The light panels over the sidewalks didn't put out
enough glow to infiltrate the alley, but she didn't need help seeing in
the dark.
The
fear was coming from a human man being pressed against the wall by a
slender, darkly dressed form. Behind them, against the other wall, a
second dark form stood. Watchdog, maybe.
She drew her lips back, baring her teeth.
Vampires.
There
were more than half a million humans in Seattle, and maybe a hundred
vampires in the city’s tribe. On the bright and busy streets just a few
blocks away crowds of tourists, locals, punk kids and businessmen were
all keeping a night schedule hoping to see one of the adored undead.
Down the alley there were two of them.
Still like it. :D One thing I caught this time. "Bri hadn't ever met Pete Evans. He was legit, living out on Somena in the government housing, working the shit job he'd been officially assigned. He was doing things right, screwed over a hundred ways but suffering it because he had to get money back to his pack." How does she know he's legit? Obviously she's checked it out, but maybe it's a place to give us a hint at her detective skills and why.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Lisa! I'm struggling a little because she's not actually any kind of detective at all. She knows about Pete because there's only two kinds of wolves in Seattle, the Somena island legit ones and the ones Bri arranges jobs and housing for in the city against the law. The wolf community is pretty small, definitely small enough for her to keep track of who's who. So it's hard to go into a little detail about it without going into a LOT of detail.
DeleteI still love the lines: " Familiar. Smug. It made her itch." They're my favorite. :)
ReplyDeleteI really don't have much to say. Maybe tightening up some of the sentences, but not much more. For example, "The whole neighborhood made her itch, with its boarded-up windows and whiskey stink and the piles of trash hiding near-feral humans who would lash out at anyone who came too close" could become "The whole neighborhood made her itch, with its boarded-up windows and whiskey stink and the piles of trash hiding near-feral humans." The "near-feral" eliminates the need for additional imagery. That sort of thing.
The sentence "Before she could head to her dad's place for the dinner she'd owed him all week there was one last place she wanted to check out, closer to the tourist-clogged streets near the Sound" brings me out of the moment for just an instant. I think it's the first clause. Could you try making it it's own idea? Maybe something like: "She had to head to her dad's place for the dinner she'd owed him all week, but there was one last place she wanted to check out..." I don't know if what I'm trying to say makes sense.
This sentence feel extraneous: "As long as she wasn't acting suspicious no one looked at her twice."...like it's just a reiteration of everything you've already said.
So yeah, I don't have much of anything for you. Sorry about that (but good for you)! :)
Thanks, April! You've definitely got a point about my tendency to be redundant. I'm trying to learn to trust my initial imagery enough to not have to follow up with some restatement of the same idea. :)
DeleteI'll take a look at that line about her dad and dinner, thanks. I totally see what you mean there.
And thanks! I'm glad you couldn't find much. :D
This is still so amazing. Truly, I think your writing is tight and gritty.
ReplyDeleteBeing picky here as we go through rounds. I made a couple of extra notes:
The words "in lazy challenge" stood out to me. Great words, but I wondered if you meant to say "in a lazy challenge" ?? I had to read it twice and still wasn't sure.
When we get to "others who'd vanished" I'm intrigued, but I was hoping for just a little something more. Not everything, of course, but just a little nugget here. Does she have suspicions? If so, this might be a good place to dangle one, even if it's a red herring.
The part where it says "head over to dad's for dinner" seems out of place here. Even a tiny bit wordy. I'm wondering if it could be cut here, or even shortened. I totally understand that you want to plant the dinner with dad here, I'm just looking for something more organic.
When we get to "Fear sweat, cheap cologne" should there be a comma between fear and sweat? Or is "fear sweat" a type of sweat that you're alluding to? It threw me off a bit so I wanted to mention it.
These are all nit picky things. Honestly, you're already working with a really tight opening. Love the voice. Love the premise. Love the vibe. Love the descriptions. You do a fab job of including all the senses.
Nice job!
Hi,
ReplyDeleteOkay, wow. The opening is a stunner. The voice is powerful and gritty, and it is completely submission quality. Honestly, the only thing I suggest with what is on the page is to check for echoes. Your word choices are so strong that duplicate's stand out.
As far as what isn't on the page in this beginning, I just have a few questions. My main one is whether you want to give us a better sense of Bri's age early? And maybe a sense of her arc? Just a hint?
I'm also going to ask a question about language. And this isn't a criticism, or a suggestion, it is just a question. Do you need this level of language? If so, fine. But consider whether you can open your audience wider while achieving the same effect in some other way. Your writing is so strong, that I want you to consider sales and readership.
And now for the rest.
As we get deeper into the story, can you make it clearer what she is? Do you want to? The hints are intriguing, and it love the description of her sense of small and the other bits of otherness.
When she leaves the scene with Dan, the narrative slows and gets uneven. I lose the strong sense of Bri's voice when you pull the camera back to describe the area. I think you could give us the same info in her deeper pov to better advantage. As you proceed, the voice also fades in and out. For me, this kind of reads like you're working with leftovers of the hardest time here, the kind where there's nothing really wrong, but it doesn't perfectly fit anymore either. Maybe try retyping the opening? Sometimes that's an easy way to force your ear to take over and convey the information in a consistent way.
Honestly though, kudos. I am in awe. :)
Hi JL,
ReplyDeleteThe first submission was so polished I wondered how much more you could do with this. But you surprised me and did a lot. It’s even better, but I think a couple of the changes worked against you. This revision really shows your skills and I’m impressed. Excellent writing. As good as any published novel I’ve read.
She knew him as Dirty Dan, and he seemed to have aged ten years in the months since she saw him last. His face was jagged angles, thinned by the same drugs he tainted the block with. Dull black hair in sloppy cornrows, ashy skin pocked with sores, yellowed eyes glittering under the streetlight. Familiar. Smug. It made her itch.
I would suggest changing the last sentence in the previous paragraph to cut repetition with the first sentence in the next.
The whole neighborhood made her itch, with its boarded-up windows and whiskey stink and the piles of trash hiding near-feral humans who would lash out at anyone who came too close. Made her arms feel heavy and sensitive, as if track marks reacted to memories like some kind of phantom limb ache.
Not sure this sentence is making things any clearer and it’s awkward. I think it’s the “days lately” that’s tripping it up. Unless someone else is selling during the days lately."
Still love this: Dan let out a hoarse cough of a laugh. "A hundred people buy from me. A dozen of ‘em are wolves. You think I ask for personal information? I’m not a fuckin' bank."
She turned and moved down the uneven steps DELETE (and) to the sidewalk. Her hands dug deep into her pockets for imagined warmth as she left the crumbling duplex. The door slammed shut behind her, but the sound barely carried in the still, stale air. LOVE this ending!
This works much better. It tells me she’s not only looking for Pete, but this is what she does. She wasn't gonna look for Pete any less hard than she looked for all the others who'd vanished.
Oh, this is good, too. She has a destination and some sort of family she cares about. Before she could head to her dad's place for the dinner she'd owed him all week there was one last place she wanted to check out, closer to the tourist-clogged streets near the Sound.
Another added bit of info to show us this world, which you do so very well. Luckily in the world of humans Bri was a non-entity. Always had been. Too-skinny black girl, natural hair and dark skin. Worn out clothes, worn out face. She wasn't a threat and she wasn't for sale, so she was invisible. As long as she wasn't acting suspicious no one looked at her twice.
Excellent!!! Your wonderful language draws me in and I understand perfectly what you’re trying to convey. Less than a block off Broadway, where the lights were still patchy and the tourists weren’t clogging up the sidewalks, a sudden scent grabbed at her attention. Sweat. Human. Different from the stink of athletes or the funk of the soap-deprived. This was a potent sharp sweat all its own, cold and tangy with adrenaline.
Great! She slowed her pace down the sidewalk, curious. It took some focus to filter through the normal stink in the air and radar in on where that smell was coming from. Fear sweat, cheap cologne...
And near it, under it, the wispy scent of old blood. Another smell all its own. Blood was a sharp and unmistakable thick copper stink, but this was subtle. This was digested blood leaking from a cool living body the same way humans leaked their food from their pores.
Okay, I think I get it now. The smell is coming from a vampire, right? No wait, the body wouldn’t be described as cool living, which implies it’s alive. Is it a Werewolf who’s just eaten? Maybe it’s supposed to be vague, to get me to keep reading? If so, it’s working! Too bad this is all I get.
Hi JL,
ReplyDeleteI loved it the last time around, and I love it now! :)
I have to disagree with Tina up above, I *like* the repetition re: "it made her itch". I think that's a stylistic choice, and it's working for me.
My biggest question is about Bri. We can tell she's a werewolf from these pages, but that doesn't explain WHY she's looking for Pete--or the others. Is this her job? Something to do with her pack? Can you give us a teensy bit more about her motivation?
Otherwise -- great job. I'm DYING to read the rest of this.
Yep, the repetition is deliberate, so it's staying. :)
DeleteThe why about Bri looking for wolves is a long story all wrapped up in backstory. Short version - and the one she'd give if you asked her, without all the soppy history - is that she is passing as human and so able to walk the streets when no other wolves can. She's not a detective of any kind, she's just a wolf looking out for her own. That's a very brief and shallow answer. :)
And thank you! I'm thrilled! <3
Hi,
ReplyDeleteJust a quick note. I agree that I feel like Bri is a werewolf, but there seemed to be things in the piece that constricted that. For example, Pete says he knows she's low, but didn't think she would consort with animals. So it feels like he doesn't know she's a eerewolf, and yet at the same time, I get the sense that werewolves generally are recognized in your world. That was what confused me. But I thought the description of what she smelled was fabulous and definitely read werewolf, or at least something not human. :)
Hello, Martina! I'm answering this before your main bit of feedback because this is one specific answer and your main critique still has me a little gobsmacked. :D
DeleteSo, short answer: Bri is a werewolf who's passing as a human. In this universe werewolves come in all colors and ethnicities, both born wolves and humans who get turned with a bite. The only thing they all have in common is vivid yellow eyes. That's the only way people can identify a wolf 29 days of the month.
Bri has brown eyes. She has no idea why or how, no one she knows has ever met a brown-eyed wolf, and really it makes most werewolves pretty suspicious of her. (She finds out later that there ARE more and it's a basic genetic marker of the people she comes from, but for backstory/vampire-fighting reasons that line of wolves is very hush hush and hidden.
So. Yes. At the end of this first chapter, she picks a fight with these two vampires to get the human out of their grasp and one of the fangs bites her. He means to just drug her a bit: vampires have this venom that acts like a drug on humans. But the venom is fatal to werewolves. So the vampire tasting the wolf in her blood, and the venom killing her, is the first definitive revelation that she IS a wolf. I hope it works that way, I'm still wondering if I need to give a bit more a bit sooner.
She of course wakes up next chapter, somehow surviving the bite, and the human is there to help her and in their conversation comes the explanation that she's passing and she can pass because of her eyes.
I can still picture this is several publications… so that’s real good. It’s a fun/well-written start. When done, you’re gonna get requests for the rest. First page flies. Tight. Good stuff. Nice small edits.
ReplyDeleteMinor suggestion: His name? “Pete.” I’d think “Evans, Pete Evans.” She’d give the full name… which he might travel under. I have no idea what half my guy friend’s first names are…. guys go by last names.
For the second half… this one line “Most humans didn't walk with eyes down.” jumped out as a general opportunity for tweaking round #2. WHO is the narrator? I know it’s some omniscient unseen force/teller BUT you need it locked in your head to tell the rest of this story. It talks tough, usually. Hard-hitting, sharp. Sometimes less. Is it human? A male? A female? If human, it wouldn’t say: “Most humans didn't walk with eyes down.” It’d be more like: It wasn’t smart to walk with your eyes down. OR She knew better than to walk with her eyes down. She knew humans didn't have that luxury anymore. It’s subtle, almost the same sentence, but affects the telling and just about every sentence. Just something to think about while working in the other suggestions and working on your own draft #2. Page 1 pops totally as is. (some minor tweaks with unintentional word rep... I don't mean "itch" which I also liked) Page 3 - 5 have flares up and down throughout between good and great. I think when that great voice is the same throughout all five pages... done deal.
Good luck with next round! Happy writing...