Sunday, January 5, 2014

1st 5 Pages Jan. Workshop: Perinovic

Name: Jenny Perinovic
Genre: Young Adult Gothic Romance
Title: A Magic Dark and Bright

I hadn't seen the ghost who haunted the woods behind my house since the night she watched my brother die.

Before that, I would see her every so often from the window next to my bed. She glowed in the moonlight, a pale wraith in a white dress that curled around her ankles and twisted in an ancient breeze that didn't touch the pine trees around her.

I pressed my palm flat against the screen and waited. My brother, Mark, used to tease me about my interest in her. My obsession, he called it some days. Or my overactive imagination, on others. "Watch out, Amelia," he'd say, throwing his hand to his chest. "She'll lure you out into the woods and steal your soul."

Six months ago, we had been at a party, and it was dark and snowing, and I'd caught my then-boyfriend kissing Erin West and begged Mark to drive me home anyway, even though he'd been drinking. Even though he was drunk.

I killed him.

And the woman from the woods watched it happen.

"Come on," I whispered, like I could summon her with my words. I rested my head against the bright white window frame and yawned as the big grandfather clock in the hallway chimed once, signaling the hour. Nothing stirred outside--the row of trees that bordered our yard stood still under the light of the full moon, black branches stretched towards the sky. There wasn't even a breeze to flutter the gauzy white curtains that hung around my windows.  The woods were empty.

Everything was empty.

I slid out of bed. There was no use looking anymore--if she hadn't shown up by one, she wasn't going to show up at all. Sometimes, in the middle of the night when the corners of my brain went fuzzy from exhaustion and the entire world around me was dark, I wondered if I wanted to see her too much, wondered if my wanting scared her away. And then I'd think how absurd that was, scaring away a ghost. The stairs creaked under my feet on my way down to the kitchen. I poured myself a glass of milk and stirred in two heaping spoonfuls of chocolate powder, then carried my chocolate milk back up into my room and settled myself back in my bed. Nothing but infomercials and Seinfeld reruns would be on TV at this hour, but I had an entire stack of Mark's movies to work my way through. Most of them were things I never would have watched before--slasher flicks and raunchy comedies--but they made me feel close to him.  I picked up the remote and switched the TV on and paged through the menu until I found the place I'd left off the night before.  

Outside, tires crunched on the gravel driveway moments before headlights cut a wide swath of light down the wall, right over the framed photos collected on my desk, pictures  I'd complained about taking last year when our family was whole: four of us, posed and polished, smiling at the camera, back when Mark was alive and my Dad still pretended to care about us.

I frowned and set the remote down. It wasn't my mom--she'd kissed my forehead and announced she was going to bed hours ago. I crossed to the window over my desk, the one that overlooked the side of the house,  and pushed aside the curtain. Our driveway was dark--Mom's black Camry was parked right next to the red Jeep my father had given me for my seventeenth birthday last month. But there was a car idling in Ms. MacAllister's driveway next door.

The light over her side door switched on and Ms. MacAllister stepped out onto the wide, wrap-around porch and looked up toward my window. I shrank back, even though the room behind me was dark and I was almost positive she couldn't see me from where she stood.

When I was a little girl, Mark had me convinced that Ms. MacAllister was a witch. All the kids in Asylum thought so--she lived alone in that big, creepy house and sold herbs and crystals who knows what else from her tea shop on the waterfront. Plus, Mark had pointed out over and over again, her rose bushes always bloomed so much larger and brighter than ours. Proof, he'd say. Proof she was a witch.

But that's how he is. Was. He'd been the kind of person who could sell a bridge in Brooklyn.

Anyway, I was too old to believe in stuff like that now. She wasn't a witch, just an old lady with a killer green thumb, and I didn't have anything to be afraid of. I lifted the curtain and peeked back outside.

The engine turned off, and a door slammed. Voices, one low and deep and one higher, carried across the still night, but they were too faint for me to understand what was being said.

A guy, tall and thin, climbed out of the car and slung a backpack over his shoulder. Ms. MacAllister met him on the bottom step and wrapped her arms around him in a hug.  He pressed a kiss to her cheek and laughed. He turned and gestured to the car, and for whatever reason I was surprised to see how young he was--maybe only a little bit older than me, with a mop of brown curls and thick, black framed glasses that glinted in the yellow light.

I watched them climb the stairs together, and I watched the door shut behind them and the porch light go out.

And when I cast one last glance out to the woods, I caught the flash of a white dress twisting in a non-existent breeze, the shimmer of moonlight on ghostly skin. My breath caught and I closed my eyes.

When I opened them again, she was gone. But for a moment, I hadn't been the only one watching.

9 comments:

  1. Apparently there's a limit to how much I can post in the comments (4,096 characters). Sorry about the mega number of posts that are about to follow.

    Hi! I want to give you my assumptions and offer how I understand your opening as I read it. All my comments are what first pops into my mind as I read it. It could be that the way I read your opening is exactly how you intend it (yay), or it might not. In any case, I like to error on the side of “too much information.” The more I give you about how I read this, I hope the more insight you can get about how I understood it and how it may be understood by others. It could, of course, just be me. :) ~April Rose

    My assumption is that her brother could see the ghost? If so, that’s pretty cool. I like the idea of a ghost sighting being a shared thing, especially with a brother. I’m not sure about the movement of him “throwing his hand to his chest,” though. I’ve tried to imagine it over again and it comes across as an overly dramatic gesture. It makes it sound like he’s mocking her. Is that the case? If so, then it’s perfectly fine; if not, I don’t know why he’d do it.

    The sentence that starts “Six months ago” feels overly long. When I read it, I had the sense that Amelia is being hysterical because all the ideas run together, which may be the case. **Having read the rest now, A doesn’t feel like the hysterical type.**

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  2. The transition to the paragraph that begins “’Come on,’” I found jarring. I thought she was still at the crash site (because that’s what I assume has happened), and that her hand was on the window of the car, beckoning to the ghost. Then I realized that wasn’t the case.

    I don’t know if you realize it, but you use “white” maybe three times right away. It was enough repetition for me to notice it.

    When she says, “There wasn’t even a breeze….hung around my windows.” I read “my” to mean that she’s older now and somehow the place has been made hers. Maybe it’s because I’m looking at it from an adult standpoint and a teen would read “my” to mean “my bedroom.”

    In the paragraph, “I slid out of bed,” I read it as such: She goes downstairs, gets something to drink, comes back up, picks out one of her brother’s movies, then turns the TV on to late night television. I think the implication is that she’ll automatically watch a movie; when she pages through the menu, it suggests otherwise.

    In “Outside, tires crunched…” I feel that sentence (and later in the graph) has too much information in it. We hear a car, see a picture of a family, and learn Dad didn’t care but pretended to. I think the tires crunching would be sufficiently unusual (as the next graph makes it sound) to draw her attention away from the picture. She wouldn’t necessarily notice where the light is going because she’d be interested in knowing who’s outside.

    Then, there’s the implication that her father does care because he gave her a Jeep only a month ago. If he pretended to care, the implication is that he’s dropped the pretense around M’s death 6 months ago and just plain doesn’t care anymore. If he doesn’t care or doesn’t pretend to care, why would he buy her a Jeep (unless, of course, he’s loaded)?

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  3. In the graph “The light over…” Ms. M looks immediately towards A’s bedroom window. This makes her seem sinister indeed! What’s this old lady doing that she first checks A’s room to see if A’s watching? I want to know her motive! **Now that I’ve read it…I bet her motive lies in that she knows A is a teen and mystery boy is a teen. Ms M predicts something unwholesome between A and mystery boy.**
    I’m having troubles bouncing back between the past and the present. I think that’s why I misunderstood the “my” I talked about earlier; I initially read the narrator as “looking back years” when she’s only “looking back months.”

    When A “was a little girl” doesn’t keep me in the moment. In the moment is where I want to be. There’s the car that’s just pulled up at the neighbor’s house and the old lady who’s already a little creepy. Show me what’s going to happen. This graph doesn’t give me any more insight into A’s and M’s relationship that I haven’t already guessed. It’s sort of the case of stepping up to the free throw line, throwing the basketball, then telling me everything that’s going on in the player’s head even though it breaks me away from the immediacy of the basketball game. Did that basketball make it into the hoop? Please please tell me. I need to know because the game depends on…oh wait, it did. Good. (I read this analogy from some blog I’ve now forgotten which one; it’s not my own idea.) The point is, if she stands up to throw a basketball, don’t keep me waiting too long to see if she made it in.
    I like that the ghost is watching. Now I want to know why she’s watching. I can conjecture (and it’s only a conjecture) that this isn’t going to end well for mystery boy, given the history of the ghost watching.

    One last thing. If she’s been waiting to see this ghost for such a long time, why would she close her eyes? Wouldn’t she want to stare with all her might?

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  4. ^^^^^So these are my initial thoughts upon reading it.^^^^^^

    A few more things.

    ~I’m also curious as to why A wants to see this ghost so badly. Most people get creeped out about ghosts, but M and A seem to take it as a course of nature. This intrigues me. It also makes me worry a little bit about A’s sanity (and the place is called Asylum, so yeah, sanity looks like it’s going to be an issue). I mean, her brother used to see the ghost too, so A’s got to be at least a little lucid, but it makes me wonder…

    ~I’m not sure I get a good idea of A’s personality. Her brother and the ghost mean something to her, but I don’t feel it. I know it because you’ve told me.

    ~I don’t feel attached to A yet. She feels…distant. Maybe, with all the memories, we’re supposed to be kept at a distance, which is fine if that’s what you’re going for, but it’s a little too distant for my tastes. I don’t know what A wants or what she’s up against.

    ~I would keep reading because I’m too curious not to. I mean, why the heck does A want this ghost? I don’t really care about the boy or the neighbor (although that creepy neighbor feels Lovely Bones-ish to me already—might be my imagination), but why, oh, why does she care so much about that ghost? That’s what will keep me reading.

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  5. I really enjoyed reading this! I love the ghost and your descriptions. I worry mostly about the info being divulged here as a flashback. Sort of. It actually was done so well that I didn't catch it until half way through! But the fact is you're starting with backstory. Maybe cut down as minimally as possible on the backstory so it's teasers inserted along with her thoughts and feelings, but keep us in the here and now at least at first. My two cents. But great writing! Nice.

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    1. I really support the idea of backstory as teasers. Just enough to intrigue us. :)

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  6. Oooh, I really liked this! Creepy and ethereal images, beautifully written. I think the brother part could be smoothed out a bit so that it's not quite an info dump. I like the did bit about the brother in the opening, though, so my opinion is to keep it but smooth it out.

    The only thing I questioned was this: MacAllister was a witch. All the kids in Asylum thought so

    I know we're supposed to have mystery here, but I wonder what this means? Is Amelia in an asylum? Is the asylum down the road? Just a word here or there to clarify would be great.

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  7. Hi Jenny,

    Great opening line! It’s spooky, gets my attention and keeps it. I stayed interested throughout. I think this is an original premise and I would continue reading.

    I notice in some places it’s detail heavy and slows down the pace of the story. I read recently that it’s not necessary to say she went to the fridge, took out the mayo, went to the pantry and grabbed the bread…just say she made a sandwich. We all know the mechanics. I would suggest paring down these sentences, especially the really, really long sentences. Only keep the details that add to the story and the eeriness you want the reader to sense.


    Example: Keep the creaking stairs. Take out; two heaping spoonfuls of chocolate powder.


    This next paragraph is one very long sentence. These are redflags that you’re over doing it on the details.


    Outside, tires crunched on the gravel driveway moments before headlights cut a wide swath of light down the wall, right over the framed photos collected on my desk, pictures I'd complained about taking last year when our family was whole: four of us, posed and polished, smiling at the camera, back when Mark was alive and my Dad still pretended to care about us.


    And when I cast one last glance out to the woods, I caught the flash of a white dress twisting in a non-existent breeze, the shimmer of moonlight on ghostly skin. My breath caught and I closed my eyes.


    When I opened them again, she was gone. But for a moment, I hadn't been the only one watching.


    Great way to wrap it up! I’m very intrigued. You have done an excellent job at setting up all these questions in my head that are all good ones to have. Is the old lady a witch? Who’s the young boy that’s just gone into her house? Could this be a love interest? And most of all, who is this spooky lady who’s always watching from the woods.

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  8. Some fun stuff and solid writing. Thanks for sharing! It’s got flashes of being mega creepy and tense… so any suggestion I have for this round would be to bring those elements out even more by getting rid of anything that doesn’t directly support. Trimming. If it doesn’t advance the crept night feel, the ghost, night memories of a dead brother, then perhaps set aside for now. (or forever). Ie: don’t need to know about her parents cars. But LOVE the ghost descriptions. Don’t need to know _- yet – about WHY she had to leave that party early… only that she holds herself accountable for her brother’s death. Etc. Minor trimming throughout. (ie: “as the big grandfather clock in the hallway chimed once, signaling the hour.” Becomes “as the big grandfather clock in the hallway chimed once.” As we know WHY it’s chiming. Small. Trivial. But after a little trimming, all we’ll have left is lines like : “a pale wraith in a white dress that curled around her ankles and twisted in an ancient breeze” and that is fantastic!

    I would keep the tense/pace in the NOW. Action. What is she doing/seeing/feeling right now. You’re already working that great past tense that’s almost present. Which is great for a thriller like this. Will keep the tense/creep factor high. Anything not directly related to the ghost or spying on her “witch” neighbor and her visitor, you feel can be cut that won’t kill you as a writer, consider trimming for Round #2.

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