Genre: New Adult Urban Fantasy
Title: Rain Dogs
The
moment the door creaked open, Bri pressed her foot into the gap and
shoved the picture of the werewolf through. "Seen him around?"
"What--"
The door jerked, but the man inside recovered fast. He arched an
eyebrow at her through the cracked door, scowl twisting into a smirk.
“Well, well. Look who’s back. Not even a smile or a hello, princess?"
She lowered the photo a few inches. Her foot stayed in the doorway. "Hello."
She
knew him as Dirty Dan, and he seemed to have aged ten years in the
months since she last saw him. Always had sampled too much of his own
product. His face was made of jagged angles, thinned by the drugs he
tainted the block with. Dull black hair in sloppy cornrows, ashy skin
pocked with sores, his eyes glittering under the streetlight. Familiar.
Smug. It made her itch.
The
whole neighborhood made her itch, with its boarded-up windows and
whiskey stink and the piles of trash hiding near-feral humans who would
lash out at anyone who came too close. Bri had some bad memories of
rotting in places like that. Made her arms feel heavy and sensitive, as
if track marks reacted to memories like some kind of phantom limb ache.
Dan
plucked the picture from her hand and gave it a squint-eyed look. It
was ratty and a couple years old - wolves didn't usually pose for
portraits. She was lucky to have a snapshot at all.
“A werewolf?”
"He's been in the city six months. He was using, and yeah, a wolf, so he bought from you."
Dan
smirked. "A hundred people buy from me. A dozen of ‘em are wolves. You
think I ask for personal information? I’m not a fucking bank."
Bri
stared straight ahead, not meeting his eyes, not giving away a thing.
The key to dealing with Dan was to become as close to a brick wall as a
person could get.
When she didn't respond he glanced down at the photo again. "What's his name?"
"Pete."
"Looks
familiar. Why the hell you hunting for info on werewolves? You ain’t
shit, girl, but you’re not lowdown enough to be mixing with animals."
Brick
wall. Brick wall. Bri answered through clenched teeth. "He’s missing,
D. If you know something, tell me. If not, stop wasting my time."
Dan
looked at her, his eyebrows raising. His gaze slid up and down her body
in lazy challenge, then he simply opened his hand and let the picture
fall. "I haven’t seen him. And if I did I wouldn’t give two sour shits. I
don't make friends with dogs."
She
bent to grab the photo, peeling it off the damp cement step and
straightening with the glare that she was done trying to hold back. The
urge to throw an elbow in his fucking face was strong, but she couldn’t
afford to burn any bridges. Not even shitty, smug bridges who had to be
riding high on some kind of chemical just to be up and moving around.
“Fuck off, Brianna. Next time you come by either bring some cash or keep on walking.”
She
turned and moved down the uneven steps and to the sidewalk. Her hands
dug deep into her pockets for imagined warmth as she left the crumbling
duplex. The door slammed shut behind her, suitably loud.
Dead
end. Should have known. It was a long-shot to begin with, and she was
gonna be trailing the slimy feeling of him behind her like a slug trail
the rest of the night. But she had to try.
Bri
hadn't even met Pete Evans. He was legit, living out on Somena in the
government housing, working the shit job he'd been officially assigned.
He was doing things right, screwed over a hundred ways but suffering it
because he had to get money back to his pack.
Pete
started using, spending his money on drugs to get through the day
instead of sending it all home. That made him a disgrace to those
traditional Somena wolves, but Bri understood him too damned well.
Anyway, druggie or not his eyes were the yellow eyes of every wolf -
almost every wolf - and as much as she sometimes wanted to, she couldn't
turn her back.
There
was one more place to check out, and it was closer to the
tourist-clogged streets near the Sound. She didn't stop moving or lift
her gaze from the ground until a glow began spilling onto the sidewalk
ahead of her.
The
difference between the world east of Broadway and west was palpable. It
could be seen in the bright, thin panels of government-erected light
that started on the corner of Boren and Broadway and went into the heart
of the tourist district, glaring down from dusk until dawn in a crass
attempt to bring some fake sun to nighttime.
It
could be heard in the growl of traffic, the ripple of cheerful voices
speaking without fear. It could be smelled - the quality Bri appreciated
most - in the clearing of the thick rank odors behind her. The sour
smell of cheap beer and the sweat of unwashed bodies never went away,
not in a city big as Seattle. But downtown it was thinned by a breeze of
salty harbor air and then covered with layers: perfume, car exhaust,
flower stands, hot food. Endless steam from the thousands of coffee cups
carried by red-eyed humans pretending it was natural for them to be
nocturnal.
As
soon as she stepped into the glow of light as she crossed on Boren,
Bri's posture changed. She forced her chin up, pushed her shoulders
back, moved more deliberately, as if she was actually headed somewhere
important.
Humans
didn't walk with eyes down. Not most of them. Not the innocent ones.
She was risking everything even being outside at that hour, so she had
to fit in. Any of the humans around her would scream for the cops if
they guessed at what she was.
Luckily
in the world of clean and respectable people she was invisible. Just a
too-skinny black girl in ratty clothes. She was as invisible to most
people as the bums sitting on the sidewalks asking for change.
Less
than a block off Broadway, where the lights were still patchy and the
tourists weren’t clogging up the sidewalks, a scent caught her
attention.
Sweat,
human, but different from the odor of athletes or the stink of the
soap-deprived. This was a potent sharp sweat all its own.
The sweat of fear.
For
the most part humans tended to smell like shampoo and fabric softener
and garlic and stale coffee. They covered themselves in consumer-bought
scents that buried anything natural until it was almost undetectable.
Fear, though, was visceral. It rose over everything artificial.
She slowed, breathing in, filtering through the normal stink in the air. Fear, cheap cologne…
…and under it, wisps of old blood.
Another
smell all its own. Blood itself was sharp and unmistakable, but this
was blood filtered through a cool living body. Old but not stale, not
spilt but escaping from pores the way humans leaked their meals from
their skin.
Only one thing in the world smelled like a blood meal.
A
grin thinned her mouth. She moved, tracking the scent. Her fists came
out of her pockets and her focus tunneled. The people moving past, their
coffee steam and perfume, the clack of heels and the chirp of cell
phones, all faded to a blurry background hum.
Ahead. To the right.
She
passed the opening into an alley, and then froze and slipped back to
peer inside. The side of a cheap hostel made up one wall of the alley. The
other side, a boarded-up diner. The streetlights didn't put out enough
glow to infiltrate the alley, but despite the darkness she could see in
clearly.
The
fear was coming from a human man, being pressed against the wall by a
slender, darkly dressed form. Behind them, against the other wall, a
second form stood. Watchdog, maybe.
Her lips drew back.
Vampires.
There
were more than half a million humans in Seattle, and maybe a hundred
fangs in the city’s vampire tribe. On the bright and busy streets a few
blocks away crowds of tourists, locals, punk kids and businessmen were
all keeping a night schedule just hoping to see one of the adored
undead.
Down the alley there were two of them, and the human they seemed to have cornered.
JL, this opening has a really good vibe. The voice is strong and succinct. The descriptions well done and clean. The opening is also strong and shows unique, sassy character. I can't think of a whole lot to add. Nice job!
ReplyDelete...I don't know if we're supposed to respond to comments directly or not. But either way, thanks! I wasn't expecting such a positive response. Hoping, of course, but not expecting. :)
DeleteI agree. I like that she's sassy.
DeleteHi JL,
ReplyDeleteWow. I feel like this is super solid. The voice, the language, the atmosphere—all if it is spot on for your genre. I love the grittiness of it, and I’m automatically invested in Bri as a main character. I think you’ve done really great job with this!
I just have a couple of questions—I’m not sure how helpful they’ll be, but here we go:
1. Does this Pete character come into play later on? Right now, he feels like he’s going to be important. If he is, great Ignore me. :) If he’s not, maybe consider scaling back just a little bit—and I’m talking teensy-tiny, like, just don’t name him. I love the interaction between Bri & Dan, and I think it’s a perfect place to start.
2. Is Bri not supposed to be in Seattle proper? Are the supernatural creatures kept segregated? Do the humans know about them, or are they underground? I’m a little unclear on this.
That’s all I have—I hope it was helpful!
Jenny
Hiya, Jenny! (My first name too, so I'm glad I went with initials to make things a bit easier.) And thank you so much for the feedback. I'm about to dive in to everyone else's. :)
DeleteAs to your questions: 1. Pete stays missing, so as a character he doesn't come in, but the fact of him and the other missing wolves does factor in later. He's mentioned by name a few more times in the book.
2. Nailed it. Werewolves are banished from city streets from sunset to sunrise. Most cities that have supernatural communities have gated communities for them, Seattle puts them out on an island. But I go into all that in a couple chapters. Bri is a werewolf passing as a human. She has brown eyes, not werewolf-yellow, and she uses that to help her stay in the city against the law. Werewolves can tell what she is, they can smell it, but humans (and vampires) only have the yellow eyes to tell them who's a wolf or not.
I'm trying to explain just enough that there are questions to keep people reading, but not so much that it bogs things down. But enough that it makes sense, too. Trying to juggle exposition and backstory has been the real killer about this opening. :)
Hi! Well, you've written something right up my alley! LOL. It had a real urban fantasy adult vibe to it, so nice work. Great descriptions. Great character. If I have to pick something out to improve I"d consider removing some of the cuss words. I have no problem with dark - believe me. But I find sometimes it feels forced. Occasional punctuation where it counts can be more effective. Something to consider.
ReplyDeleteMaybe a tiny bit more info on the MC would be nice too. I'd like to know what she's doing now. I mean besides looking for the werewolf because she's empathetic. What's her life now? Just a hint or two inserted would be great. Hopefully the vampire/werewolf thing won't be an eliminator for you. I worry about that, but don't know in regards to NA. Good luck!!
Hi! I want to give you my assumptions and offer how I understand your opening as I read it. All my comments are what first pops into my mind as I read it. It could be that the way I read your opening is exactly how you intend it (yay), or it might not. In any case, I like to error on the side of “too much information.” The more I give you about how I read this, I hope the more insight you can get about how I understood it and how it may be understood by others. It could, of course, just be me. :) Oh, and there's a limit to how many characters I can post, so this will be in multiple posts. ~April Rose
ReplyDelete"Always had sampled too much of his own product. His face was made of jagged angles, thinned by the drugs he tainted the block with." These are both awesome sentences, but they say nearly the same thing. It's not a big redundancy, though, just a stylistic preference of mine.
"Familiar. Smug. It made her itch." I really like this, especially the familiar part. It makes me see that B has a shady past. Also "itch" reminds me of withdrawal. Double bonus. We get she's got a drug past. Good job! (especially using such limited words. I like.)
The paragraph that starts "The whole neighborhood" feels like it gives a little too much info about B's past life. I've already got the idea B had drug involvement or at least an otherwise shady past. Maybe if it were pared down a bit (but not too much because I really like the imagery of track marks)? I tend to try to take a minimalist approach to writing, but that's just my own stylistic approach. You might feel differently, and that's totally fine. This would be fine if you left it. :)
Have you read Butcher's Dresden Files? This makes me think of that series. :) (Btw, I use a lot of emoticons too. :) )
"Dan looked at her, his eyebrows raising. His gaze slid up and down her body in lazy challenge, then he simply opened his hand and let the picture fall. " I think you could nix the first sentence (again, that whole minimalist approach). The second sentence gives the same image, except with better words.
I get the feeling that the crass language is how B and D talk (and may or may not be a front they each put up for the other), but I feel it might be a little overdone. That's just personal preference, too. :) **I wrote this earlier today, and I now see someone commented to this extent too.
I didn't read your response to Jenny, but I did read her comments. I agree that P sounds like he's going to play an essential role throughout the novel (or at least have an important tie-in later). I kind of feel for P because he seems like a good guy who got caught up in bad things. At this point, I am curious to know why she's so invested in his case, so this will keep me reading. I want to know if B is a private detective (because that's the sense I get and it's what makes me get the Dresden Files feel) or if something else is going on. I'd read on to find out what's up.
Just curious: 100 fangs. Is fangs slang for a single vampire (as in there are 100 vampires) or does fangs represent literally the number of fangs (as in 50 vampires)?
ReplyDelete"...they seemed to have cornered" makes me think he isn't cornered (which may or may not be the way you intend it).
^^^^^^So these are my initial comments^^^^^^^
After reading the whole opening, I'd say most of my comments above are stylistic in nature. I'm a fan of less is more, but again, that's me. In that way, most of my comments you can probably discard because you have your own stylistic approach to writing. In all, I liked how this flowed. Something's going on, and as a reader, I want to know more. Nice!
A few other notes:
~I'm curious to know if the remainder of your novel is similar in "motion." There's a lot going on. You set a high bar for the rest of your novel. Do you keep it up? If you do, great!
~I don't know much about B and what's driving her. Is it revenge? Maybe I don't need to know this now, but it's something I would want to know in the next four or five pages. Like I said, I'm already posed to read on, so it doesn't have to happen now--just soon.
~I think to make this stand out, I need to see how it's different from other things on the market right now. Granted, I'm certainly not well-read in Urban Fantasy, so I only have a basic idea of what's out there, but what makes your novel unique might need to come out in the pages earlier to convince the reader she isn't seeing something that's been done before (which is why I mentioned Twilight). I don't have your query letter, so I can't use that to judge like agents will, but it's something to think about.
~New Adult. I'd like to get a more distinctive NA feel for this in your opening. At this point, B can be any age and at any point in her life. I'd want to know what makes this NA. Of course, a query letter might satisfy that for an agent, but I don't get the feel that she's on her own for the first time, crossing the bridge from adolescence to adulthood. I wonder if there's anything--a word or two--you could drop in here and there to clue me in on the NA aspect.
Shoot...I just noticed I didn't paste in part of my comments. These comments go between the two comments I posted above. Sorry about that. I had a 2yo on my lap...lol.
ReplyDeleteI'm curious as to your choice of setting (mostly because that's where much of the background story in Meyer's Eclipse takes place and where all of the Short Life of Bree Tanner comes into play). The tie to the Twilight series would probably come to mind for those who are well-read in Urban Fantasy.
In the graph that has "It could be smelled," I like how you engage smell. It's real. I can sense it. I like that.
In the graph: "Humans didn't walk with eyes down," the last sentence gives me a sense she's not human right away. Is it possible that you can withhold this information longer? Or perhaps give us a flash of something that shows she's not human without telling us that. I don't know if you've read Seraphina, but we get the idea that she's not human, but we think maybe she is. When we find out the truth, it's more powerful. Or, like in Daughter of Smoke and Bone we aren't quite sure if Karu (sp?) is human or not, but there's just enough information to convince us she is while confusing us at the same time. It's a pleasant mystery. Is there something you can do that will be like that?
Oh...sorta like you do when she smells blood and fear. I like that.
From "For the most part humans" to "everything artificial" you might be able to cut or trim. I want to stay in the moment here, because it's this scent that has my attention. When you start to talk about what fear smells like, it pulls me away from the actual scent.
Ah, then this happens again in the graph "Another smell all its own." Maybe try something like this (just off the top of my head): "…and under it, wisps of old blood. Old but not stale, sharp and unmistakable, a cool living body filtered this blood." It keeps the scent alive while still getting to the point--it's not human.
Hi JL,
ReplyDeleteI found much to love and very little that isn’t working. Great opening line! Right up front I know this is paranormal and you carry that promise throughout. I like how this starts with the MC searching for a drugged out werewolf. This is a unique twist. I’m intrigued and want to know more. I love the edginess this has and your great descriptions really pull me in.
This one line threw me a bit. I know what you’re saying but I had to stop and reread. Always had sampled too much of his own product.
I love your descriptions: His face was made of jagged angles, thinned by the drugs he tainted the block with. Dull black hair in sloppy cornrows, ashy skin pocked with sores, his eyes glittering under the streetlight. Familiar. Smug. It made her itch.
Love this: The whole neighborhood made her itch, with its boarded-up windows and whiskey stink and the piles of trash hiding near-feral humans who would lash out at anyone who came too close. Bri had some bad memories of rotting in places like that. Made her arms feel heavy and sensitive, as if track marks reacted to memories like some kind of phantom limb ache.
You do an excellent job of showing us this world through the MC’s emotions. Great Voice!
If this part were written as a question it would work, but as is, I’m wondering how she got here: so he bought from you."
Great! Dan smirked. "A hundred people buy from me. A dozen of ‘em are wolves. You think I ask for personal information? I’m not a fucking bank."
Love this: And if I did I wouldn’t give two sour shits. I don't make friends with dogs."
The door slammed shut behind her, Not sure you need this last part: suitably loud.
Great language: Dead end. Should have known. It was a long-shot to begin with, and she was gonna be trailing the slimy feeling of him behind her like a slug trail the rest of the night. But she had to try.
This tells so much about this world: Bri hadn't even met Pete Evans. He was legit, living out on Somena in the government housing, working the shit job he'd been officially assigned. He was doing things right, screwed over a hundred ways but suffering it because he had to get money back to his pack.
This confused me. How do his yellow eyes make her want to help him?
Anyway, druggie or not his eyes were the yellow eyes of every wolf - almost every wolf - and as much as she sometimes wanted to, she couldn't turn her back.
This really piques my interest: Endless steam from the thousands of coffee cups carried by red-eyed humans pretending it was natural for them to be nocturnal.
Humans didn't walk with eyes down. Not most of them. Not the innocent ones. She was risking everything even being outside at that hour, so she had to fit in. Any of the humans around her would scream for the cops if they guessed at what she was.
The past paragraph has me saying, Yes, what is she? You’ve got me hooked and I must read on to find out. GREAT JOB!
This is a bit confusing and I’m not sure I understand: but this was blood filtered through a cool living body. Old but not stale, not spilt but escaping from pores the way humans leaked their meals from their skin.
On the bright and busy streets a few blocks away crowds of tourists, locals, punk kids and businessmen were all keeping a night schedule just hoping to see one of the adored undead.
Most poignant sentence of all! Great Ending! If you hadn’t already hooked me, this would’ve done it. All around great writing!
Well, the first half might as well be in print somewhere. Seriously. I can see this in a dozen different mags or anthologies. So… a good start for a full book. Strong voice, moves great. Tightly and well written. Pro, for sure. I feel pointless beyond saying “YAY – more.” (Only line I’d want to cut is when Dan confirms “Werewolf?” – which seemed too on the nose. The rest, they speak in slang and you get the feel it’s normal to talk about these things.)
ReplyDeleteFor me, the tale changes with – fittingly – “As soon as she stepped into the glow of light as she crossed on Boren, Bri's posture changed.” The narrator changes here too for me. The first half was tighter, more aggressive, more like a hard-boiled detective novel. (or modern paranormal!) – but whne she crosses Boren… the narrator gets more passive in the telling. Bri is no longer the driving force of the action, it is no longer from a POV hovering just over her right shoulder… it becomes a longer gaze, more reflective, further away from Bri. (Not better or worse… but noticeably different . And, as I really enjoyed the first POV, I’d gotten that locked in my head as one to carry on the whole book.)
Subtle tweaks to accomplish this if you want. Ie: “Her lips drew back.” Becomes “She drew back her lips.” A minor difference but it puts the action/POV/driving-force with Bri again as opposed to this unseen spectator reporting. Guess it depends on what you’d like to do for the whole book. But everyone is really loving the strong/active/direct voice up front… maybe see how far you can run with that.