Name: Henry Pollinger
Genre: Young Adult Fiction
Title: The Adventures of Jake and Willy
Out of all the rules at Harry S. Truman Middle School, five rules are
strictly enforced.
1. Don't be late. Arrive to school and class on time.
2. No chewing gum in class or in the hallways.
3. No use of cell phone or any electronic device during school
hours. All cell phones and electronic devices must be turned off and
stored in your locker. It is best to leave them at home.
4. When absent, you are responsible for any missed work.
5. Three unexcused absences equal an after school detention.
There he was. On a bright Monday morning, sitting in the middle
stall of the boys bathroom. Leaning forward, Jake was chewing gum (rule
#2) playing Angry Birds on his iPhone (rule #3), and waiting for the
second bell to ring. The middle stall was the only one with a door and a
lock. Jack did not pay attention to the disembodied voices grumbling
about girls, farts, skateboarding, and what to do this weekend, already.
He just kept playing, with the sound turned low. It didn't
matter if he was late to his first period class (rule #1). He had Mr.
Peters. In fact, he had Mr. Peter's all day, for every subject. He
didn't have the luxury of changes classes like everyone else. He was
special ed. Although, he didn't feel so special.
People came in and out and he kept playing, moving from one
level to the next. Then it happened.
He heard a sound. He looked up. He saw the tile moving. The roof
tile slid completely across, two feet dangled from above. Jake looked
up, his mouth open. Slowly someone lowered themselves down onto the back
of the toilet.
“Thank you for not actually going to the bathroom,” said an
unrecognizable voice from behind.
“You welcome...I guess,” Jake said awkwardly. Who the hell is
this?
“Get up.”
“Why?”
“Get up and turn around.”
Jake got up off the toilet, turned around and saw him. Someone
around his age, but smaller. He was about five feet tall, his knees were
bent and he was balanced on the back of the toilet. He was wearing a
baseball cap, a swath of bright red hair peeking through the front, a
sweatshirt, jeans, and a huge smile.
“Now you see me.”
“I do. Who are you?”
“I obviously go to the same school as you.”
“Yes, but I have never seen you before.”
“Right, I hardly every really come to school, not my thing.”
“OK.”
“Willy,” he said as he offered Jake his outstretched hand.
“Jake.”
“So, Jake...Do you make it a habit of hanging out in the
bathroom.”
“Every morning.”
“I see. Are you looking for adventure?”
“Of course.”
“Get your stuff, let's go!”
Jake got up, put his phone in his front pocket. Willy jumped
down from the back of the toilet. They both left the stall. Standing by
the door they stood face to face. It was clear that Jake was the taller
one. Willy barely made it to his shoulders. After a short pause, they
both left the bathroom and walked into the quiet, vacant hallway.
“What's the plan?” Jake whispered.
“Follow me,” Willy responded.
Jake followed Willy. They walked casually down the hallway. They
walked past Mr. Stone's technology room. Luckily, Mr. Stone had his back
to the door and in his customary way, was talking to students about what
Jake thought was student safety for the hundredth time. Then, it
happened. They were outside. It was first period and Jake and Willy were
outside, preparing to escape.
“Follow me,” Willy said.
Willy quickly walked over to the shed behind Mr. Stone's
classroom. Behind the shed were two bikes. Willy motioned to Jake to
take one and Willy hoped onto the other. They began riding down the
parking lot and out of school, heading towards the Rail Trail. The Rail
Trail was a paved walkway over the old railroad lines that use to run
clear up to Albany from their small, rural town. Willy and Jake began
pedaling and reached the Rail Trail in what appeared to Jake to be
record time. They finally slowed down.
“Where are we going?” Jake asked. He was breathing a little
heavily because they were bicycling so quickly he was unable to catch
his breath.
“To the train station,” Willy replied.
“The train station? Why?”
“Because, buddy...We are going to New York City!” Willy stated
enthusiastically.
“New York City? Why?”
“To find my father.”
“But...what about school? Jake had a tinge of concern in his
voice.
Willy stopped his bike. “Give me your phone.”
Jake handed Willy the phone. Willy dialed a number and put it on
speaker.
“Good morning J. Edgar Hoover Middle School. Cindy speaking, how
may I help you?”
Willy had called the Principal's office.
“Good morning.” Jake thought, Willy sure does sound like my
father.
“This is Mr. Martin. I wanted to call to let you know that my
son, Jake will not be in school today. I think he may have the stomach
bug. He has been pooping, pu...”
“OK, Mr. Martin.” Cindy, the Principal's secretary cut him off
right there. “I will mark Jake Martin down as absent. Should I get his
work for him?”
“Of course.” Willy looked at Jake and made a face with his
upturned lip.
“Thank you, Mr. Martin.”
Willy hung up. “There, down. You are excused from school for
today.”
Jake thought to himself, it was that easy. All I had to do was
have someone call and tell them that he was sick in order to get out of
school. Why didn't he think of that?
Jake and Willy continued to peddle, in silence, towards the
train station. When they arrived, they parked their bikes in front of
the platform. While climbing the platform, Jake said “I don't have any
money for tickets.”
“No worries. I have them right here.” Willy patted his pocket.
“We just have to wait for the 7:55 train.”
Jake and Willy sat on the bench. They were both looking forward,
in silence.
Commuters dressed in long coats and carrying briefcases were
pacing back and forth, heads down reading the paper. Jake thought, one
day, I hope that is me. A fancy job in NYC. Reading the newspaper,
wearing one of those coats. People probably listen to them. They seemed
important. Jake didn't feel important. In fact, he felt alone. He heard
words like stupid and retard on a daily basis. It didn't make it any
better that he spent his whole day in Mr. Peter's Special Education
class with other kids were called the same names. Even PE, where he was
allowed to be with “normal” kids was a nightmare. Despite being a decent
athlete, no one picked Jake for fear that his stupidness would rub off
on him. But, Jake wasn't stupid. He had a hard time reading. Other than
that, he was good at Math and just ask him any questions about
Presidents. He could name them, starting with George Washington and tell
you their birth dates, the years in office, and when they died. Harry S.
Truman born May 8, 1884; died December 26, 1972. He was the 33rd
president and he served from 1945-1953.
The train finally roared into the platform. They both stood up.
Willy reached into his pocket and pulled out two tickets. He handed one
to Jake.
“If they ask, we are going to New York on a field trip. We were
separated from the group. Our teacher is in the front car.” Willy
explained to Jake.
The train stopped, they walked on. Walking past a few empty
seats, they finally stopped at one. Willy jumped in next to the window.
“I hope you don't mind. I need the window seat. I like to see
whats going past.”
“No problem.” Jake swung his book bag onto the rack above the
seats. He sat down.
“Why me?” Jake asked as Willy stared out the window.
Still staring out the window, Willy replied. “I have been
watching you. Not in the creepy sense, but in a way to see if you were
able to handle this important mission with me.”
“What important mission?”
“We are going to New York to find...” Willy stopped. He
continued to stare out the window. The train began to pull away from the
platform.
“We are going to New York to find what?” Jake asked.
“We are going to New York to find my father.” Willy responded.
After Willy said this, they both sat in silence. Jake knew Willy
from school. They were both in Mr. Peter's class together. He was the
kid who rarely made it to school on time. He always had a note from Mrs.
Kerry, the school social worker. He never did homework, yet he always
knew what was going on. He was quiet and smart. He stood up for
everyone. When people picked on anyone from Mr. Perry's class he was the
first to defend them.
“I need to find my father.” Willy finally said. “I have the
address where he works.”
Willy pulled out a piece of paper. It said 80 Spring Street.
“I know that he is a sous chef. He works in some restaurant in
New York. The address is right here.”
Jake had never been to New York. He had never even been on a
train. To say he was nervous was an understatement.
“I saved over five hundred dollars for this trip.” Willy said.
“I just want to go to New York. Find him, say hello and come back. We
will be back before school ends.”
Jake relaxed. If that was the case, there was really nothing to
worry about.
“So, just sit back and enjoy.” Willy winked at Jake.
First Five Pages Writing Workshop: Jump Start Your Novel and Career
I liked the idea behind the story. Two special Ed kids traveling and getting into sticky situations. This has to have a lot of appeal for teens. I’d love to read more and know what’s so special about Jake.
ReplyDeleteHere are a few suggestions to improve the piece. Hope something helps.
The rules you mention at the beginning of the piece will probably sound boring to a teenager reading this and will probably bring a smile on the adult who is reading this (knowing that many adults read YA fiction). Every school has the exact same rules. Everybody knows these rules, so why do you need them? They will not hook anyone. If the rules were wacky, that’d be funny. Maybe a kid could have re-written these rules in a funny way on the wall of the bathroom and all the kids could be reading them. Willy might have been the one.
Also many kids are of course breaking those rules, if they can, so there is nothing special here, IMO.
You could start the story when the tile is moving because that’s the part that is going to hook your reader. That sounds very exciting. That’d be cool if they actually escaped through the roof.
Why do you describe Jake turning around to see the stranger? Come on, if someone did come from the roof, would you take a good look at him or just ignore him? Well, you did say Jake looked open mouthed, so he saw the person and probably turned around already. It turns out (you say that at the end of the piece) that both kids are in the same classroom, so why do they act like they don’t know each other?
Red hair is cliché in YA. Honestly, almost all YA MCs have red hair.
Willy’s voice is very mature. Jake does sound teen though. Maybe add a few “dude”, and a little of teen spirit. Consider: “Hey dude, you’re like hanging out in the bathroom. Gross./Why?” Willy wouldn’t be asking if Jake hangs out in the bathroom, he would be interested in knowing why. He does not want to know how often Jake does that (he already knows), but how long. He wants to know if Jake would consider cutting school. Especially if he is looking for a companion to go on an adventure.
I think a lot of kids do that, hang out in the bathroom, so I personally wouldn’t be surprised. That’s the only place where kids can have some kind of privacy, escape something or do forbidden things like kissing or smoking.
Why would Jake follow Willy without asking any question? He feels safe in his bathroom, why would he risk getting caught by an adult?
I do not understand why a guy would pick up a stranger to go get his father. That’s puzzling to me. You need to find a good motivation here. They definitely need to know each other well otherwise it is not believable. Being bored at school is not reason enough for a kid to go wandering around. What is Jake’s motive?
If they do not go, what is the worst that could happen? And if Willy is a stranger and never at school, how does he know Jake’s last name? Why isn’t Jake surprised? Of course, at the end we learn that they already know each other, so why writing this piece like they don’t?
Typos:
“Slowly a guy lowered himself down onto the back of the toilet.”
“Right, I hardly ever really come to school, not my thing.”
“So, Jake...Do you make it a habit of hanging out in the bathroom?”
“… and Willy hopped onto the other.”
“I like to see what’s going past.”
This story about two misfits, Jake and Willy, playing hooky from school and go to NYC to find Willy’s father could be a great buddy story. The dialogue is crisp. Descriptions of the characters are good but could use a bit more embellishment.
ReplyDelete- Have Jake break all the rules in opening paragraph:
There he was. On a bright Monday morning, sitting in the middle stall of the boys’ bathroom an hour late for school (rule #1). Sitting in on the toilet, Jake was chewing gum (rule #2) and playing Angry Birds on his iPhone (rule #3). He was missing all his classes for the third time this week (rule #4) and all his absences were unexcused (rule #5).
- Jake could act more freaked out when the little man appears. I think most people would feel an invasion of privacy even if fully clothed if someone entered the same bathroom stall. Jake would also turn around immediately and the reader would get a description of the intruder much sooner.
- You can add a nice Joseph Campbell Refusing the Call moment here:
“I see. Are you looking for adventure?”
“Of course.”
“Get your stuff, let's go!”
- Have Jake refuse the call. Why would he go with this strange person? All he knows is that his name is Willy? Once Jake is satisfied with Willy’s answers he decides to go but build in some sort of incentive for Jake to go.
- If Jake and Willy know each other. I would go more into that here. You do it later which is too late.
- The jail break from school could be more interesting with teachers, security guards, etc. trying to stop the two, books and booksbags knocked to the ground, etc.
- Have Willy make up a more elaborate story for Jake’s absences. If this is the third time, Willy will have to come up with something clever to get Jake’s absence overlooked.
- The following could be thoughts Jake has in the stall. It would be great if the other students outside the stall were talking about him even though they don’t know he is in the middle stall. It’s too late for this information to be revealed at the train station. This is great prose:
Jake didn't feel important. In fact, he felt alone. He heard words like stupid and retard on a daily basis. It didn't make it any better that he spent his whole day in Mr. Peter's Special Education class with other kids were called the same names. Even PE, where he was allowed to be with “normal” kids was a nightmare. Despite being a decent athlete, no one picked Jake for fear that his stupidness would rub off on him. But, Jake wasn't stupid. He had a hard time reading. Other than that, he was good at Math and just ask him any questions about Presidents. He could name them, starting with George Washington and tell you their birth dates, the years in office, and when they died. Harry S. Truman born May 8, 1884; died December 26, 1972. He was the 33rd president and he served from 1945-1953.
- I almost wondered if Willy was some magical creature at the beginning. He sure has an odd entrance, and how would he know Jake was in that stall and why have such a dramatic entrance in the first place. Not sure I believe it. It would actually be pretty funny if this was Willy’s usual entrance. So it doesn’t surprise Jake at all. Since they're friends or I would suggest they should be friends, Willy would know that the middle bathroom stall is in essence “Jake’s spot.” It’s more believable if Willy and Jake are in the same spec. ed. class and Willy is always going on about finding his dad. Finally, one day he does and takes Jake with him. I am still not sure why Jake decides to go or why Willy chose Jake, the evidence Willy gives is a little thin. It would make more sense if they were buds.
- I’m not sure what obstacles they will face, but there should be something personal the protagonist needs to overcome. I’m not sure if it is that Jake is someone who needs to stick up for himself or prove he can do something. But that needs to be a little more apparent.
ReplyDeleteI’m also trying to figure out the tone of the piece. The beginning gives more of a setup for comedy but there aren’t too many comedic moments after the first paragraph.
Good luck!