Name: Tlotlo Tsamaase
Genre: Young Adult, science fiction,
thriller
Title: Satellite Hearts
Sunday
carries a static silence in our home, punctuated by Mama’s praying; always in
the lounge as though it’s a mihrab pointing to God. There is a buzzing sound
high above. I can’t see the tiny dark object in the sky. But I know it’s there.
And I know they are listening: the Botswana government. The air is the only way
they can invade our conversations, with the often intermittent faint white
noise.
I remember the day they released them into
society: seven prototypes, known as Eco-Humans or Progs, short for Programmed
Humans because their actions were easily editable. They were my father’s
designs. Dangerous. I was, by
default, supposed to love them…but I feared them.
Eleven years down the line I didn’t know I’d
find out I was one of them.
Mama doesn’t want to believe it. The government
owns me. To them I’m military warfare. Tomorrow they will transfer me to a new
country and delete my memory. I can’t let them.
Mama shifts in the lounge and my heart knocks a
marimba beat. I squeeze myself, carefully, through a crack in the corrugated
sheeting that forms the wall of our home. Outside, I can still hear her soft
voice praying, praying to the savior to delete my fate.
Praying won’t save me Mama.
I stare at the compound of Old Naledi: rusty
shacks, unpaved grounds littered with broken glass, fizzy drink cans, plastic
bags and trees. My childhood prison.
It stings to know I’m leaving forever but I
don’t know what it is to cry, how it feels before and after the tears fall. My
program settings for tears are disabled. I was as much a victim as the patients
Papa and I programmed: Papa driving a screw into their hearts to extract their
emotions as though they were juice from a fruit. I don’t want to be a
Prog—thoughts deleted, emotions altered and body controlled.
This is my body. I won’t lose it.
A
few minutes left to decide my freedom: I’m sorry Mama, to be another death
in the family.
I
run four huts down from mine—old, scraggy and made from scrappy sheet iron—
along the Old Naledi fence, my hand scraping the diamond wire. The Botswana heat melts into the air coating
my skin with a layer of sweat. I strain my eyes to look up as the fence
rises—shaking in the breeze—towards the deep crimson sky: the time when the sun
begins to bleed.
Freedom.
Walking to the Stats, our
short name for the rank station, is tiresome but I’m not complaining; this is
the last time I will see my home. I take my time as the sun sinks into the
horizon. Not too long, an hour has passed. Darkness should freak me out, but
I’m more nervous about how tonight will end.
The sky has a thousand
eyes, a thousand insomniac moons: The celestial authority— The Beings of The
Skies who’ve built a home in the skies from which to watch over our world. Want
to know a secret? I think they piss on us, each time they gather for their
monthly kgotla meetings
and have a jol and they say, “Just rain people, just rain, move along.”
Rain my ass.
During
the day the Gaborone bus rank is full of bustling combis and hooting taxis,
grey–clad commuters darting between them. At night, it transforms into a Death
Train Station: a train the commuters board to death, having received the Letter
of Resignation from society. It’s a desert of coldness, metal scraping against
metal, empty pavements, and bare, derelict buildings. Tonight the wind whines a
low wail, collecting paper as it sweeps through the station. Ghostly vapour
creeps over the ground. I can see the old commuter bridge stepping over the
railway to the rank area.
The
breeze, controlled by the Celestial Authority, whistles through standpipes as
if the night has a case of asthma. It snakes through the aboveground station,
searching. I pin myself against a trunk when the nearby trees rustle and hold
my breath, afraid the breeze will feed on more than my fear.
The
fencing is torn through, so I step over it without much harm and search and
pinpoint a lenyora. He’s a shady looking boy with pants high above his
ankles and hands tucked into his pockets, shivering from the chill. His dark
eyes are locked down at a body huddled at his feet, hands tied together.
Perfect. A crime-druggie boy never disappoints.
“S’beno,”
I say.
His
head jerks up in relief. “Ao sister, z’khipane?
What took you long?”
“Time.”
I stare down at the culprit on the floor.
Michael
Mackerel, a white, fat beefy man, stares at me with shocked eyes. “Little
Zahra,” he says. The Magi Bio-engineer was my father’s closest friend.
“Tanki,
S’beno,” I say. “No problems?” I add in Setswana.
I
don’t trust the head-shake he gives me, but he delivered and I must pay him. S’beno
holds one hand out respectfully while the other cups it and I drop a powdered
drug in a plastic bag into his smoke-smothered hands.
He
claps his hands together before kissing them. “Ah sho, sho skeem saka.
Sharpo sharpo. ” He leaves, drawing a Craven-A
from his pockets and lighting it. I watch the smoke curl from his mouth as he
turns to wave.
“What
are you going to do to me?” Michael’s voice trembles.
“I
came to see you off,” I say.
“See
me off? What you going on about?”
I
keep quiet and this keeps him on edge. Good.
“I
need a ride, Michael. Teleporting is far too expensive, and as you’ve seen
money doesn’t grow on our trees. Hardly any trees grow in my poor Old Naledi.”
“You’re
running away?” His laughter rolls him to the ground. “Where to? You can’t run
from the sky, sweetness.”
But
you can run to the skies, to where it all started; to where Papa started and
died. The truth lies in the skies. Hung in the sky, the moon is a large lucent
eye charging the air with a strange eeriness. The black clothing I wear won’t
help hide me from that all-seeing eye.
“Each
important national figure is given a Being of the Sky—a Thunder— as a
protector,” I say. “And any threat or injury to their life is a calling. It
used to be just a threat that could call a Thunder from the skies, but the
expenses are too high—people die from their electrifying flight to our land.
Now only damage so severe that it can cause death can call the Protector of a
National Figure.”
The first time I saw a Being’s soul on fire,
a kaleidoscope burst of intermixing neons: yellows, oranges, blues and greens
across the dark skyline, aflame, wild and alive, I thought, how beautiful death
can be sometimes…and how cruel.
I was
nine years old.
Wunmi Nazer was eight years older when she
killed a Being of The Sky along with 1187 others in Zaria, Nigeria. My fingers
tremble at the thought, a shard of glass too sharp to swallow. I’m going to
beat that record. My country, Botswana, a mass covered by the Kalahari Desert
and baked under the sleepless, warm sun, will be listed as a country harbouring
a child criminal.
I
have to be brave. Brave, and get it over with.
Michael’s
eyes glisten at the true essence of my plan, and he looks at the tracks
dismally like I kicked him in the nuts. He is an important national figure like
my father was, a creator of humans programmed to follow the nation’s
Instructions for life, work and love. I don’t want to be a Prog. This is my
body. It’s always been mine. I won’t lose
it.
He
grits his teeth together and says, “How does it feel now to realize you were as
much under the knife as the victims you and your father practiced on? Karma’s a
bitch honey, and you ain’t no better than it.”
I
ignore him. “History, it enjoys haunting the present day, coming uninvited. But
today a memory of it will keep it alive to the future. You will be a
constructive element of that memory. The thought that I will be the catalyst
barely changes my mind.” I try to switch my heart off, like Papa taught me
before we sliced a human open. “Ease the scalpel in slowly,” Papa would
say, “it’s best people are distracted by the initial pain before you go out
with a bang.”
“The
way you speak, you don’t sound like a sixteen year old.”
Hi Tlotlo, oh wow, you've done some amazing work on this piece and it is so, so compelling. I think the opening clarifies the conflict and emotions more and the pacing is much more consistent. I also really want to keep reading. I only have a few small comments. In the very beginning, you explain the main conflict right up front (where before it was completely unknown), I think you could actually land somewhere in the middle by deleting these two paragraphs:
ReplyDelete"I remember the day they released them into society: seven prototypes, known as Eco-Humans or Progs, short for Programmed Humans because their actions were easily editable. They were my father’s designs. Dangerous. I was, by default, supposed to love them…but I feared them.
Eleven years down the line I didn’t know I’d find out I was one of them."
Without them, we can still pick up enough of what's going on, but there remains some mystery to come.
The part where she is walking to the train station also feels much better paced, although this one beautiful paragraph feels out of place now:
"The sky has a thousand eyes, a thousand insomniac moons: The celestial authority— The Beings of The Skies who’ve built a home in the skies from which to watch over our world. Want to know a secret? I think they piss on us, each time they gather for their monthly kgotla meetings and have a jol and they say, “Just rain people, just rain, move along.” Rain my ass."
I don't know if you need it...maybe it's a bit that can be saved for another chapter.
Then, when she's talking to Michael, I get a little confused: she is planning on killing him as a way to call a Being in the Sky? Or is she just using him for teleportation purposes? I don't think her whole plan needs to be spelled out, but the reference to seeing a Being killed when she was 9 and how it relates to her present situation isn't totally clear.
Those are my only thoughts for further improvement, but I think it's come so far from the first week. I wish you the very best with it!
The opening is much much much better. The problem of the protagonist is more clearly revealed, and it is compelling.
ReplyDeleteMy biggest note is that we get a lot of the internal dialogue from the protagonist but little external action. For example, while the protagonist is giving backstory, she could be packing, the reader could hear snippets of the mother praying. Could someone else in the family be calling a car or some other mode of transport for the protagonist to escape? This would also be a good opportunity for the protagonist to catch her reflection in a mirror, so we get a sense of what she looks like. (Although I find out later that she is not actually planning to escape right away.) The overuse of internal dialogue happens later in the piece when she is moving through the streets and meets Michael.
As he beginning reads, the mother is praying and the protagonist is relates her story in her head while doing nothing.
Below I have provided some suggestions on other stuff. Some are illustrations that you may want to make your own.
I have capitalized Some of my changes:
Sunday carries a static silence in our home, punctuated by Mama’s praying; always in the lounge as though it’s a mihrab pointing to God. There is a buzzing sound IS FROM high above. I can’t see the tiny dark object in the sky. But I know it’s there. And I know they—the Botswana government—are listening. The air is the only way they can invade our conversations, with the intermittent white noise.
This needs more information:
I remember the day they released them into society: seven prototypes, known as Eco-Humans or Progs, short for Programmed Humans because their actions were easily editable. THEY COULD WORK NON-STOP FOR HOURS AT A TIME, DOWNLOAD AND LEARN NEW SKILLS LIKE OPEN HEART SURGERY OR KARATE IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE, OR KILL ON COMMAND. The MODELS were DESIGNED by my father. He said they were dangerous. [I would also add something here about the father being in some way forced to make these Progs.
Then explore the protagonists anger and hate towards these monsters of her father’s creation. It becomes ironic when she finds out that she is one of them.] It was when I turned eleven, that I found I was one of them.
CUT: I was, by default, supposed to love them…but I feared them.
ReplyDeleteMama doesn’t want to believe it. The government owns me. To them I’m military WEAPONRY. Tomorrow they will transfer me to a DIFFERENT country, delete my memory, AND PROGRAM ME TO KILL AN ENEMY I DON’T KNOW FOR A CAUSE I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT. I can’t let them DO THAT.
CHANGE my fate.
The word Freedom seems misplaced. If I see that word, I am expecting the protagonist to make an escape which does not happen.
One thing that is missing is why the father made her a prog. If it is so bad to be a prog. why would did he do it?
Also, we understand that the actions of a prog. can be manipulated. What about thought and feeling: “Progs. smile on the outside while, more often than not, raging on the inside because of the terrible things they are forced to do.” You need to make it clear what can be controlled in prog. and what cannot.
I AGREE WITH STEPHANIE CUT THIS OR USE LATER IN YOUR PIECE. IT’S LOVELY BUT DOESN’T WORK HERE.
The sky has a thousand eyes, a thousand insomniac moons: The celestial authority— The Beings of The Skies who’ve built a home in the skies from which to watch over our world. Want to know a secret? I think they piss on us, each time they gather for their monthly kgotla meetings and have a jol and they say, “Just rain people, just rain, move along.” Rain my ass.
I am not sure what the point of the kidnapping is. It is unclear how Micheal is going to help the protagonist.
Also, perhaps the protagonist is late to this meeting and is running through the streets like hell.
Her meeting with the kidnapper seems very casual. No guards to go through, etc. It also appears to be out in the opening, so how come no one is listening. This would probably be better underground or someplace hidden.
Thank you, I really appreciated this workshop, it opened my eyes to a lot of things about my writing I hadn't noticed. I'm definitely going to apply the suggestions you gave me. Thanks
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, congratulations on your latest contest win and request! Way to go!!
ReplyDeleteSecond of all, you've come such a long way on the edits! It's amazing how much the changes added so much depth to this opening. I love it!
I also agree with "The sky has a thousand eyes..." line. I would hate to cut such beautiful prose and I hope you can put it somewhere else.
I'm sorry I missed last week's comments, but we had early Thanksgiving with my children and we traveled and shopped and ATE too much:)
I wish you the best of luck with this and hope to see it in the book stores one day soon.
Talynn~
I agree, you have done a great job on this--it keeps getting stronger and stronger! I really have a sense of the conflict now. In this rewrite, it's clear from the beginning that Zahra is a Prog--so when I reached the sentence near the end during her conversation with Michael when she says "I don't want to be a Prog" I was a little confused. Isn't her main concern that she, as a Prog, will have her memory deleted? Or... does that imply it is possible to somehow reverse the operation and stop being a Prog altogether?
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I really enjoyed the piece and am curious about where it is headed. I wish you the best of luck with it!
thanks ink in the book I was and am very excited. I will definitely fix the "the sky has a thousand eyes part" I find it very hard to delete but I can see what you're all saying. Thanks also Alana, I didn't notice that part was confusing, I will definitely fix it. I wish you guys the best of luck to.
ReplyDelete:)