Name: Paco José Madden
Genre: Young Adult Fantasy
Title: Little Red Riding Hood, Wolf Killer
His breathing labors, as
he stumbles on four legs. From a large
gash at his side, blood falls dying the last of the winter snows crimson.
I’m
not doing much better. His paws have
torn flesh from my arm. A bite on my
thigh leaves me limping. But I’m
steadier, more determined.
Normally,
his kind doesn't come out during the
day. But he surprised me. Before fear or alarm could register, I was in
the thick of battle—tooth and claw.
The
animal gnashes his teeth and growls. Tufts
of thick black fur stand on end. Red hot
coals glow in his eyes, eyes like those found in fairy tales of monsters and
mythical beasts. But this is no monster,
no dragon or ogre out of lore. It’s a
wolf.
We
lurch around each other, leaving a trail of dirt, snow, and blood in our wake,
each waiting for the other to make a move or let down one’s guard. It is only a matter of time before the wolf
or I bleeds to death, and thankfully, the lupine’s wounds are worse than mine.
The wolf retreats. Perhaps he thinks best not to fight but to
wander into some thicket and die. I drop
the point of my sword to the ground but continue to hold the grip tight.
Then the creature lunges. As I fall to the ground, I thrust my sword
forward. He is upon me, maniacally
shrieking in rage, his jowls mere inches from my face. I’m going to die. I know it.
I’m going to—
The animal stops. He lets out one
last breath of fetid air and slumps to the ground with my sword protruding from his neck.
In
the distance, a howl rises.
I
must return to the village post haste if I hope not to become wolf’s meat. I scramble to my feet, ripping strips of
cloth from the bottom of my cloak and hurriedly bind my wounds. My sword sheathed, I grab a branch to use as
a walking stick and shuffle toward the village.
It is less than a mile away, but a pack is on my tail.
***
In
the village, I’m known as Wolf Killer, a position held in each settlement of
the realm. It was my father’s title before
me and my father’s father’s title before him.
He wanted a boy, a male progeny that could carry on his name and
profession. Instead, he got me. A girl.
It wasn't easy
convincing my father that I could fight as well as any man. Barely out
of diapers, I escaped from home to
follow him when he practiced swordsmanship or was on the hunt. I used a
stick for a sword and imitated his
every move—smelled the ground or touched tracks in the earth as he did.
This amused him at first. But when I proved I fought better than the
local village boys and disarmed the Wolf Killer himself, he took me
under his
wing and trained me in the art of tracking and killing wolves.
That
was
a long time ago. I suppose anything over
the passing of a few months seems ages for a girl of sixteen. It is a
year from the time when my father passed. Ever since, I’ve been on the
hunt for the
wolf that killed him, the one the village people call Big Bad.
“Little
Red Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, hurry inside,” Mother exclaims from
the parapets beside the gatehouse. My
keen eyes pick her out in her bonnet and apron, waving a kerchief in my
direction. I’m only a few hundred feet
from safety.
Wolf Killer may be my
title, but around here I’ve always been Little Red Riding Hood. Since the day I could walk, I wore a red
hooded cloak, which falls over my shoulders to this day. Somehow the name stuck, though I’m barely
little anymore. I’m taller than all the village
women and half the men. However, once a
sobriquet has been bestowed, it is near impossible to lose. In fact, I doubt anyone in the village, save Mother,
knows my real name—Abigail.
I hasten my pace. The caterwauling of the wolves trail behind
me. I dare not turn back and lose an
inch of ground. Soon I will be in range
of the archers standing guard along the wooden stretch of fence that surrounds
the village. They will protect me as
long as I can make it past the—
I trip and land face
first into a clump of grass. How can I
be so clumsy at a time like this?
“Come quick. Hurry, Little Red, run,” pleads Mother. “They’re nipping at your heels.”
The pain in my leg is
unbearable. I bite down on the insides
of my cheek and pull myself up with the tree branch. The drumbeat of the racing paws are gaining
on me. I return to my tottering gait
when something tugs on my cloak, nearly tossing me backward. I pull, but can’t break free.
Something
whiffs by my
face. It’s followed by a yelp and a heavy
thump on the rugged plains. I’m free and
stumble several feet forward. Behind me
I see the creature who moments ago had my cape its mouth. An arrow
shaft protrudes from his left eye. One of the archers must have struck
him down. I look back toward the wall. Among the bowmen, I glimpse a
fringe of
yellow hair disappear behind the barricade.
With my cloak free, I
face my snarling predators, whose thick hides are the color of ash or the
burnished brown of chestnuts. They halt
several feet behind their fallen comrade.
“Back off, cretins or
you’ll discover the same fate as your friend.” I hold my stick out as if that
can possibly defend me. But the wolves are
not foolish enough to face a hail of arrows and bark at me in defiance. Their grumbling is interrupted by a howl, one
deeper and more guttural than the others, which echoes from beyond the tree
line. The surviving wolves drag their
dead compatriot by the scruff of his tawny neck and withdraw into The Woods.
As I reach the gates, I
catch my breath. However, I don’t feel
safe until the great timber doors open and slam shut behind me. I made it.
I’m alive.
Mother
descends the tower and grouses, “Oh, what have those monsters done to you now?”
“I’m
all right, Mother.”
“You
are certainly not all right.”
“The
bite is not deep and the cuts on my arm are nothing but a scratch.”
“I’ll be the judge of
that.” Mother undoes the bindings on my
arm and thigh.
“Ow!”
“You
look as pale as a ghost, and these wounds could’ve nearly killed you,” she appraises.
“You
always make things sound worse then they really are.”
Mother
turns to one of the guardsmen. “Get the
cart. I will take her home.”
“I
can walk.”
“You’ll
not take another step while I still breathe.” She stands with her feet set wide and her
hands on her hips, the picture of immovability.
It’s no use arguing.
Two
guardsmen help me onto the wooden cart. An
old heifer with a coat of mud brown hair is hitched to the rickety wagon.
“Now
you just lie back and relax. We’ll be
home in no time,” Mother says from the seat in the front. She slaps the reins, and the wagon jolts to a
start.
I
lay my head against a sack of grain and stare at the sky.
Puffy
white clouds pass overhead
like a herd of sheep, and my mind wanders to the days when my father and
I saved
a boy or a farm animal from the wanton clutches of a lupine. I remember
him saying that in this world
there are sheep, there are wolves, and there are shepherds. Always be a
shepherd, he would say. Never a sheep or a wolf. For it is the
shepherd who protects the
flock. It is the shepherd who can do the
greatest good in this world.
I never knew what the
last half of my father’s statement meant.
What was the greatest good a shepherd is supposed to do beside protect
the flock? When I asked, he said it was
something I had to figure out for myself.
I ponder my father’s words, as my head sways to the rhythm of the jouncing
cart. Soon, I’m rocked to sleep.
Hi Paco. Oh, I love the work that you've put into this. Abigail's thoughts and feelings are really woven into the action now and it feels like we're in the scene with her. It all feels much more organic and the pacing runs smoothly.
ReplyDeleteI don't have a lot of suggestions. Mainly, I think some of the writing and proofreading could be tightened up. I would also watch some of the sentence constructions that you use consistently. In the first paragraph, there are two inanimate things as the subject of verbs (breathing is laboring and blood is falling): there's nothing wrong with this but it takes focus away from the agency of the beings involved (the wolf and girl). There are also a number of instances of the "___ of ___" construction ("the rhythm of the jouncing cart" "the point of my sword"). Again, nothing wrong with this sentence construction and it is sometimes the best choice, but you can usually say in fewer words "my sword's point" or "the jouncing cart's rhythm," which will read more smoothly....again just something to mix up to vary the prose. I also really like the short, simple, staccato sentences during the fight, but I think some of the language could be stronger and more evocative. "The wolf retreats" says very little and doesn't help me picture what is happening physically, but "The wolf padded backwards through the snow," is more visually stimulating and gives a sense of tie and space.
The very last paragraph might be too telling, I'm not sure sure. I like the paragraph before and the reflection about being a shepherd, and wonder if it could end with that? Just a thought.
I really enjoy this piece and the role reversal of putting her in the predatory position, as well as the depth of the relationship with her father. Good luck with your further revising and thank you for sharing!
To be honest I can't find anything wrong with this, it was smooth and intrigued me to read on. Though the issue I had was the first paragraph, I got confused with the spelling error "His breathing labors, as he stumbles on four legs. From a large gash at his side, blood falls dying the last of the winter snows crimson." You meant dyeing right? It's quite a beautiful line. Besides that good luck with this piece.
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue is much better and smoother! You have such a lyrical way with some of the phrases, I'm impressed. I do agree about the last paragraph. Maybe a little too much telling?
ReplyDeleteOverall, I really like this piece and hope to see it published, so I CAN READ IT soon:)
Thank you for your advice and suggestions on my five pages. I was visiting family last week and didn't have a lot of free time to implement all the advice, but I wanted to let you know I appreciated all the time you put into editing and critiquing.
Thank you!
Talynn
This is really compelling! You've done a nice job making everything flow smoothly, still giving us lots of action right off the bat but also providing the right amount of backstory.
ReplyDeleteThe only comments I have are really small things, just a couple sentences that stuck out to me. "The drumbeat of the racing paws are gaining on me": I like the sensory imagery of the first part of the sentence, but it's the racing paws that are gaining on her, not the sound of them, and the way the sentence is constructed makes this ambiguous.
And the sentence where Little Red downplays her wounds: "The bite is not deep and the cuts on my arm are nothing but a scratch" -- the end of the sentence should be revised to "the cuts on my arm are nothing but scratches." Although, I'm actually not sure this sentence and the following remark by her mother are necessary--I think you could cut these and go straight from "You are certainly not alright" to "Mother undoes the bindings on my arm and thigh."
But again, those are just minor details. Overall it is a strong piece and I wish you the best of luck with it!