Monday, November 11, 2013

Paco José Madden: Rev 1: Little Red Riding Hood, Wolf Killer


Name: Paco José Madden
Genre: Young Adult Fantasy
Title: Little Red Riding Hood, Wolf Killer

Chapter One: Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?
His breathing labors, as he stumbles on four legs.  From a large gash at his side, blood falls.  It dyes the last of the winter snows crimson.

I’m not doing much better.  His paws have torn flesh from my arm.  A bite on my thigh leaves me limping.  But I’m steadier, more determined.

Normally, his kind doesn’t come out during the day.  But he surprised me.  Before fear or alarm could register, I was in the thick of battle—tooth and claw.

The animal gnashes his teeth and growls.  Tufts of thick black fur stand on end.  Red hot coals glow in his eyes, eyes like those found in fairy tales of monsters and mythical beasts.  But this is no monster, no dragon or ogre out of lore.  It is a wolf.

We lurch around each other, leaving a trail of dirt, snow, and blood in our wake, each waiting for the other to make a move or let down one’s guard.  It is only a matter of time before the wolf or I bleed to death, and thankfully, the canine’s wounds are worse than mine.
The beast retreats.  Perhaps, he thinks best not to fight but to wander into some thicket and die.  I drop the point of my sword to the ground but continue to hold the grip tight.  I almost sigh in relief. 

Then creature lunges.  As I fall to the ground, I thrust my sword forward.  He is upon me—jowls mere inches from my face.  I think I’m about to die when the animal shrieks in pain, letting out one last breath of foul air.  He slumps to the ground, my sword protruding from his neck.  The wolf is dead.

In the distance, a howl rises.

I must return to the village quickly if I hope not to become wolf’s meat.  I rip strips of cloth from the bottom of my cloak and hurriedly bind my wounds.  I sheath my sword, grab a branch to use as a walking stick, and shuffle toward the village.  It is less than a mile away, but a pack is on my tail.

***

In the village, I’m known as Wolf Killer, a position in each settlement of the Four Quarters.  It was my father’s title before me and my father’s father’s title before him.  He wanted a boy, a male progeny that could carry on his name and profession.  Instead, he got me.  A girl.

It wasn’t easy convincing my father that I could fight as well as any man.  Barely out of diapers, I escaped from home to follow him when he practiced swordsmanship or was on the hunt.  I used a stick for a sword and imitated his every move—smelled the ground or touched tracks in the earth as he did.  This amused him at first.  But when I proved I fought better than the local village boys and disarmed the Wolf Killer himself, he took me under his wing and trained me in the art of tracking and killing wolves. 

That was a long time ago.  I suppose anything over the passing of a few months seems ages for a girl of sixteen.  It is a year since my father passed.  Ever since, I’ve been on the hunt for the wolf that killed him, the one the village people call Big Bad.

“Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, hurry inside,” Mother exclaims from the parapets beside the gatehouse.  She is in her bonnet and apron and waves a kerchief in my direction.  I’m only a few hundred feet from safety.

Wolf Killer may be my title, but around here I’ve always been Little Red Riding Hood.  Since the day I could walk, I wore a red hooded cloak, which still falls over my shoulders.  Somehow the name stuck, though I’m barely little anymore.  I’m taller than all the village women and half the men.  However, once a sobriquet has been bestowed, it is near impossible to lose.  In fact, I doubt anyone in the village, save Mother, knows my real name—Abigail.

I speed up my pace.  The caterwauling of the wolves trail behind me.  I dare not turn back and lose an inch of ground.  Soon I will be in range of the archers standing guard along the wooden stretch of fence that surrounds the village.  They will protect me as long as I can make it past the—

I trip and land face first into a clump of grass.  How can I be so clumsy at a time like this? 

“Come quick.  Hurry, Little Red, run,” pleads Mother.  “They’re nipping at your heels.”

Biting down on the pain in my leg, I pull myself up with the tree branch.  The drumbeat of the racing paws gain on me.  I’m not going to make it.  I know it.  I’m not going to—
Something tugs on my cloak, nearly tossing me backward.  An arrow whiffs by, followed by a yelp and a heavy thump on the rugged plains.  One of the archers must have struck down the beast that snagged my cape.  I look at my torn garment, then up.  Among the bowmen, I see a fringe of yellow hair disappear behind the barricade. 

With my cloak free, I face my snarling predators.  They halt several feet behind their fallen comrade. 

“Back off, cretins or you’ll discover the same fate as your friend.” I hold my stick out as if that can possibly defend me, but the wolves are not foolish enough to face a hail of arrows and bark at me in defiance.  Their grumbling is interrupted by a howl, one deeper and more guttural than the others, which echoes from beyond the tree line.  The surviving wolves drag their dead compatriot by the scruff of his tawny neck and withdraw into The Woods.

As I reach the gates, I catch my breath.  I made it.  However, I don’t feel safe unitl the great timber doors open and slam shut behind me.

Mother descends the tower and grouses, “Oh, what have those monsters done to you now?”

“I’m all right, Mother.”

“You are certainly not all right.”

“The bite is not deep and the cuts on my arm are nothing but a scratch.”

“I’ll be the judge of that.” Mother undoes the bindings on my arm and thigh.

“Ow!”

“You look as pale as a ghost, and these wounds could’ve nearly killed you,” she apprises.

“You always make things sound worse then they really are.” 

Mother turns to one of the guardsmen.  “Get the cart.  I will take her home.”

“I can walk.”

“You’ll not take another step while I still breathe.”  She stands with her feet set wide and her hands on her hips, the picture of immovability.  It’s no use arguing. 

Two guardsmen help me onto the wooden cart.  An old heifer with a coat of mud brown hair is hitched to the rickety wagon.

“Now you just lie back and relax.  We’ll be home in no time,” Mother says from the seat at the front of the cart.  She slaps the reins, and the wagon jolts to a start.

I lay my head against a sack of grain and stare at the sky. 

Puffy white clouds pass overhead like a herd of sheep, and my mind wanders to the days when my father and I saved a boy or a farm animal from the wanton clutches of a lupine.  I remember him saying that in this world there are sheep, there are wolves, and there are shepherds.  Always be a shepherd, he would say.  Never a sheep or a wolf.  For it is the shepherd who protects the flock.  It is the shepherd who can do the greatest good in this world. 

I never knew what the last half of my father’s statement meant.  What was the greatest good a shepherd is supposed to do beside protect the flock?  When I asked, he said it was something I had to figure out for myself.  I ponder my father’s words, as my head sways to the rhythm of the jouncing cart.  Soon, I’m rocked to sleep.

3 comments:

  1. Sorry, for the late notice. I just found out today, Monday, November 11 that my five pages got in. I did a bit of quick editing from the notes I received. I didn't get a chance to respond to everything.

    Also, just a tiny bit of background. This story is an alternate origin story for Little Red Riding Hood, which is why I use the names Little Red Riding Hood and Big Bad. We find out later that the real story of Little Red Riding Hood, i.e., Abigail’s story, will be altered to the now classic tale. I’m not sure that matters. In other places of the story, aside from her mother’s outburst, Abigail is called Little Red or simply Red.

    Also, the wolves are different colors from black to brown to white/grey. I'll try to find a way to make that clear. I may also make the wolves a single color (although, in the story, black wolves have a close kinship to Big Bad.)

    I originally wrote the WOLF KILLER in first person past, so the comments on making the language sound immediate, natural, less distant, and bringing to the fore more of her direct thoughts and feelings than the telling of the story are helpful. I hope to continue to develop this through the workshop.

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  2. The points you identified above are definitely a great focus, especially making the language sound more natural. It's a strong start and does seem clearer compared to the last version--looking forward to seeing your final revision next week.

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  3. I like the idea. Several of the sentences, starting with the first two paragraphs are too choppy and can be combined to make it read more smoothly. Some words are far too formal and are distracting as you rad, there isn't a chance to get comfortable and have the story wrap around you as you read (canine is one of them). Others words are out of place. I don't see the MC and the wolf "lurching" around each other. I "Almost" sigh in relief. The MC puts his sword up, the wolf is on him and inches from his face, and then it cries out. It should have cried out as it made it's approach and impaled itself, at least two feet from the MC,

    We need to know what the Four Quarters are since you mention them.

    It would be difficult to see what her mom is wearing from a few hundred feet away. It might be difficult to see her mom.

    You need to put the 2 introductions as Wolf Killer together. I'm Wolf Killer and Wolf Killer may be my title but . . .

    "Biting down on the pain in my leg" this needs to be reworded.

    "my father and I saved a boy or a farm animal" if he's thinking about he must remember which one it was.

    I look forward to reading your revision. There are a number of places where the dialogue and writing is choppy. It needs to flow much more easily and I think that can be accomplished with combining some items and lengthening others.

    Good job.

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