Monday, October 14, 2013

Goliath: Deus Ex Machina Rev 1 Chris Awe





Chris Awe
Young Adult historical fiction
Goliath: Deus Ex Machina (Rev. 1)

-Chapter 1-

Well hidden from the guards’ prying eyes, in a place most unlikely, a little boy of very peculiar nature and fashion hunkered in the thick shadow behind a balustrade.

The boy looked young, not much older than ten years of age, and his face, as far as could be seen under the big, shiny cauldron that sat on his head, was chubby-cheeked with a podgy nose right where it belonged. A mop of messy, jet black curly hair bristled under his makeshift helmet and a pair of dark marbly eyes impishly flashed here and there.

From his waist to his awfully skinned knees stretched a skirt of coarse yellow flax tagging him private property of the palace. Over it a ragged moth-eaten cloak, held together by a simple string, fell down to his bare and very smutty feet and a small wooden sword, his every pride and most precious belonging, was dangling from his hip. His thickset, short-necked and rather portly figure, especially around his middle, revealed the boy’s weakness for substantial and solid meals and completed his somewhat out of tune appearance.

There were whole bunches of little slave boys almost quite like him hustling and bustling through the palace’s halls day in day out and thus he would have been nearly a common sight, if not at this most unreasonable hour and in this perilous place.
Breathing noisily the boy pressed his back flat against the cold, hard, marble stones.

‘Shuesh.’ gasped he when the night dew soaked through the thin layers of his tattered clothes, adding to the sweat that was already coursing down his back. He shivered as an unpleasant shudder crept down his spine.
He ignored the cold for once and closed his eyes to focus on his mission.

‘One ... two ... three.’ Taking another deep rasping breath he slowly pushed himself up on the low wall and cautiously peered over its edge.

‘Blood and guts!’ The scenery was beyond his wildest dreams. He had chosen his observation post most meticulously and with the same consideration and thoughtfulness that dominated some, but certainly not most of his actions. A broad grin on his face he squeaked with pleasure and scanned the area.

All the effort to find this perfect spot? Absolutely worth it. The bedlam of the early morning hours providing the necessary cover to sneak here? Godsend! Eli and Festus, those numbskulls trying to play their stupid tricks on him? Unpleasant but predictable! Locking him in the cellar? Pfft, ludicrous! It had taken some time, but there was no lock he couldn’t pick and nobody, really nobody had paid attention to him as he had sidled towards his destination. Not the guards and not even Pothinus, Ptolemy’s beefy warden, who was patrolling the long corridor leading to the royal chambers, a viperish look on his fat feverish face. Too busy yelling at one of the poor souls bustling up and down the corridors, that fat pig. He had gratefully seized his chance and used the one unobserved moment to slip inside.

As usual at the first stirrings of an attack, the princess and her servants had been evacuated to some secure underground location and the chamber lay completely deserted, as expected. Well not entirely deserted. Isis, the princess’s cat had lolled around on one of the fluffy cushions. Yawning and stretching she had been rather annoyed about this unexpected disturbance of her peace. He liked the cat. Whenever he was sent to Cleopatra’s chamber he always brought something special, and for as far as he was concerned the cat’s diet was far better than that of most people in Alexandria. Whipping her tail from side to side it had gracefully retreated into a dark corner of the room when against expectations he had produced nothing from his pouch.

‘If only her mistress won’t return anytime soon.’ he thought. For if she did, he would be in trouble, and this time real big trouble. Nothing compared to the usual whipping and beating. No, this time it would certainly lead to trouble of the hands cut off, your tongue ripped out and feet burned to charcoal kind. At this thought he felt panic rise in his throat and he dipped back down to cast a reassuring glance at the balcony door. Nothing! Just the panicky rattle of his own breath and the silken curtains lazily flapping in the breeze. Bit by bit his thumping heart slowed. He fished in his pouch, pulled a handful of dried dates he had sneaked from the kitchen and shoved them into his mouth.

‘Now pull yourself together and calm down!’ he grunted and gulped down the sticky lump in whole. ‘Everything will be all right.’ The tasty morsel helped him to shake off the little worry that had begun to niggle at the back of his mind. He got up and peeped over the balustrade again.

From here he could overlook almost the entire palace complex. The temple of Isis to the left with its wide marble steps, massive pillars and magnificent colourful statues. Across the vast square and behind the royal garden, there loomed the mighty wall in the south, where the ferocious onslaught of the Egyptian troops had been shattered. To his right there was the Portus Magnus, where the dark shadows of the gigantic three- and four-decked Rhodian warships rolled gently in the greenish glow of the sea.

There was still some action beneath his feet, but there was no denying he had missed most of it. Eli and Festus had succeeded after all.

‘I knew it!’ he muttered crossly to himself. ‘Osiris curse them both. Yes, curse them and chop them into pieces. These horse-asses just don’t care,’ he ranted on. ‘That’s their problem. They don’t care about anything at all.’ Sulking he glanced around again.

The Romans had already begun to repair the damaged parts of the fortifications. He could see them placing more ballista and catapults on towers and walls, and reinforcing their positions with battering rams and trenches. Medics were carrying the wounded to the temple of Isis, which, against the only half-hearted protests of the priests, now accommodated the hospital.

Legionaries rushed to and fro the battlements, dodging some scattered arrows that still came whistling aimlessly over the wall. Every now and again a heavy war-drum-beat throbbed and rolled, and far away in the labyrinthine alleys of the Rhakotis quarter, where the Egyptians had taken cover, there came battle cries and horn-calls. But it was quite obvious that the Alexandrians were on the losing end again.

Beyond the walls, in the Jewish quarter, a blaze was roaring through the mazy alleys sending up thrashing sheets of flames and sparks. The silhouettes of the legionaries swarming the battlements loomed dimly against its red glow, radiating into the vastness of the night’s sky. Thick black gouts of smoke billowed off the Macedonian barracks outside the gates, paling stars and moon, and the charred skeletons of the colossal siege towers gave silent witness to the unspeakable violence of the earlier hours.

‘If I just could get over there, I’d get at least a glimpse of the action.’ He racked his brain, but with Pothinus lurking in the hallway and the entire Roman army sweeping around, there was no way he could possibly make it to the southern wall without getting caught.

6 comments:

  1. I like this version better. I can see where you tightened it and it works so much better. I still prefer a story to start with the character rather than the narrator looking at the character but that's just me.

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  2. Okay! I'm really glad you decided to stay in the close POV of your MC. It reads much smoother. Now here are few smaller things to work on that I think will make it even better! You need to go through and slash and burn as we say many of those adverbs and excess adjectives. Many aren't necessary because you do a wonderful job of showing what's happening without them and others just end up redundant and slow down the action. Example? "‘One ... two ... three.’ Taking another deep rasping breath he slowly pushed himself up on the low wall and cautiously peered over its edge." Why not, Taking another rasping breath he inched himself up the wall to peer over its edge. Or something like that? See how I eliminated several words and changed another to a verb? Up to you, but that sort of thing.
    Also, I would cut way back on the exclamation marks. Trust your writing and your audience to get that he's emphatic. :D
    BTW I really have no clue about this time period, but was there a Jewish quarter in Egypt at this point? It's interesting to me because I am Jewish. Perhaps this was after the people were scattered and the temple destroyed? IDK, just wanted to check for accuracy and also curiosity!
    I'm still a bit concerned about the age of the MC and the YA genre...

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    Replies
    1. Lisa, thanks a lot. Yes, according to some experts I asked at the historic museum in Berlin there was a jewish quarter. I also found this map online. (http://www.google.de/imgres?imgurl=http://www.michaellivingston.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/alexandria.JPG&imgrefurl=http://www.michaellivingston.com/map-of-cleopatras-alexandria/&h=1979&w=3235&sz=2717&tbnid=NmfrUl0t7lhvQM:&tbnh=90&tbnw=147&zoom=1&usg=__CD45wHWG3MRiU_vfXhR16_wxrrg=&docid=zwpEbtRQVTgLDM&sa=X&ei=79JeUrr2M-WX4wS8z4GYCQ&ved=0CDgQ9QEwAQ&dur=342)

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  3. Great work! The revision is much tighter and stronger than the first one. I love all of the historical information and I can tell how much research you've done. (Ancient Egypt is also a particularly interesting time period for me.) I think you can still tighten up the beginning, as the real "meat" doesn't come until a few paragraphs later. Instead of opening with a description of what our narrator looks like, consider opening with a description of Alexandria, and his reaction to what has happened to his city. That will bring the action to the forefront, as I'm not sure that we need a description of the boy in the first couple of paragraphs. Also, you don't need to tell the reader that his appearance is out of tune--you have already shown us that.
    I would be careful with the paragraph that includes the questions (All the efforts to find the perfect spot? etc.) as it doesn't really fit with the tone of the rest of the piece.
    I think this really has the potential to be a great story, with just a few refinements. I look forward to reading the next draft.

    -Maureen

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  4. I'm glad you moved some of the information around in the story and I can't wait to see the next version. You're so close and telling a great story.

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  5. Great opening line!

    This section:
    The boy looked young, not much older than ten years of age, and his face, as far as could be seen under the big, shiny cauldron that sat on his head, was chubby-cheeked with a podgy nose right where it belonged. A mop of messy, jet black curly hair bristled under his makeshift helmet and a pair of dark marbly eyes impishly flashed here and there.

    From his waist to his awfully skinned knees stretched a skirt of coarse yellow flax tagging him private property of the palace. Over it a ragged moth-eaten cloak, held together by a simple string, fell down to his bare and very smutty feet and a small wooden sword, his every pride and most precious belonging, was dangling from his hip. His thickset, short-necked and rather portly figure, especially around his middle, revealed the boy’s weakness for substantial and solid meals and completed his somewhat out of tune appearance.
    It's pretty much ALL description... I wonder if you could break some of this up with beats of action or introspection or something. The descriptions are GREAT, mind you. But sometimes, I grow weary of reading someone's laundry list of character descriptions all in one go.

    Watch for using *sensory* verbs... felt, saw, heard... ex: "At this thought he felt panic rise..." Instead, just say, "Panic rose..."

    I think your writing in general is spectacular. Great descriptions and word choices. Great verbs. Unless I totally missed it, I would like to get a sense of what the MC wants most in the world? What's driving him? And I'm also not getting a huge sense of what's coming, what's around the bend, if you will.

    Nice job overall.

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