Monday, September 9, 2013

1st 5 Pages September Workshop - Walker


Name: Ashley Walker
Genre: Middle Grade Adventure
Title: Once Upon a Tiger

PROLOGUE

When Mei's mother died, 47 cats attended her funeral.

Family and friends were there too, of course, and Mother's colleagues from Chinatown's Cat Clinic. But it was mostly American shorthairs and a handful of more exotic breeds. Chartreux, Manx, Siamese. The Sphinx even made it.

The cats came in carriers and carts, a few on leashes. During the service, they sat and slept and slinked under chairs. The Persian groomed. The Sphinx gazed.

In the mortuary's glow, the cats' pupils narrowed into tiny exclamation points. And as Mei's eyes followed them back to the body, they went liquid, leaking salty tears. How could Mother leave like this?

The question wasn't: What killed Dr. Jun Chang? Mei knew her mother had ignored the symptoms of a Bartonella infection -- a rare case of cat scratch fever. It was just like the doctor to put her needs aside when there was work to be done. What confused Mei was: How could Mother just lay there when she had a 3.30 back at the Clinic?

It was a surgery, no less.

Thinking about practicalities -- as her mother would -- lessened the distance growing between them. So Mei mopped her cheeks and ran through the rest of the (now defunct) schedule. After the Tonkinesse's tooth extraction, they were booked solid with castrations and immunizations, right up until the micro-chipping for that cute new client, Law Hsu. Mei would do it herself. She smiled a little at the thought. Maybe she'd inject the boy along with his kitten but, in Law's case, the tiny tag would be registered to M --

RRRooaaww! The sudden boom of the coffin lid set a post-op Persian caterwauling. His cry rasped, like a sandpapery goodbye kiss. When Mei reached down to scratch behind his pinnae, she flooded the cat's head funnel with a new rush of tears while her own head filled with what was no longer a question.

Mother can't just leave like this!

Cats were her calling and she was always on call for them. Dr. Jun Chang was the only one in Chinatown who saw all saw 73 breeds. And not only that, people brought her rabbits and rodents and retired fighting crickets. Everyone knew her reputation. She never turned an animal away. Some of her clients didn't pay because they couldn't pay ...

This is where it started for Mei.

The stealing.

What else could she do?

When Dr. Jun Chang died, the clinic wouldn't treat these poor animals.

So Mei did.

And that's how Mei became a cat burglar -- albeit a new kind, one who stole for cats.


CHAPTER ONE

Duì. Bu. Qi.

Mei ran trembling fingers under each set of Chinese characters. Literally: Do Not Rise. It was a kind of apology. Something said to calm.

Mei hated calming. And apologies.

Sorry, sorry, sorry -- she'd heard it so many times in the months since the funeral. It was a stupid thing to say after a death. (Unless you killed the corpse.) And as for duì bu qi, well, saying that around a coffin was really rubbing it in.

Mei dropped the apology, letting the little sign smack back against the classroom door. Today, there'd be no sorrys of that sort --

"Sorry, Mei."

Startled, Mei spun around to see her old and pretty much only friend rush down the hallway.

Wen Wu hopped between newly washed black floor tiles and called back, “Sign says: Sorry, classroom closed for cleaning." She paused to offer a familiar warning. "Mei, don't make a mess of things."

Mei waved Wen off with the back of a hand. "I won't even leave a fingerprint." Then, putting one Converse in front of another (and trying not to squeak them), she entered the empty culture classroom. Her heart hammered, but her steps stayed silent. Smooth. No mess.

But as she wove through the desks toward the Silk Spinning Display, Mei’s palms went all sweaty and her lips dried up. She stumbled. Twice.

This wasn't going well. Wasn't very cat burglary.

Then again, she wasn't stealing for cats this time. Today, “for cats” understated the scope of her crimes. That worked because, on balance, “stealing” was really an exaggeration. In the months since her mother’s death, Mei did little more than sneak back into the clinic for syringes and splints and Selederm. This was hardly an offense. But when the clinic re-keyed the lock, Mei had to slip stuff from the shelves of Uncle Shen's pet shop. Her guardian, unlike her mother, didn't believe in charity. He wasn't running “a damn sanctuary.” His interest in animals was purely monetary. Still, Mei had kept the offense in the family.

Until now.

Mei stopped, soles screeching, before the Silk Harvesting station. She forced a breath -- in, out -- and imagined Jun Chang's fingers expertly threading a needle, finding a vein. In. Out. Then she made a swift and surgical swipe. In …

Out, out, out!

Cupped inside curled fingers, the stuff felt as light as air, soft as silk. But she wasn't after the Display's pricey silk, or the means to make it. She wanted the larvae, the grub, the worms -- Bombix mori.

Really, lifting the silkworms was an act of saving not stealing. Once they spun cocoons, the teacher planned to take the silk and -- with it -- the lives of the moths inside. Mei wouldn’t be accomplice to murder -- even tiny ones. Jun never turned an animal away. Not cat, not cricket.

Mei slipped the silkworms into the box she’d origamied for the job, and then hoisted up the window to check her escape route.

Holy cr- cats! The front entrance was crawling with predators. Host to a whole pride of middle-age women prowling in search of teachers to set on with questions.

Tiger Mothers.

And Mei had no champion among them.

A small growl rose in her throat, but she pushed the pain down with the pane. She’d claw her way over the back fence. Anything to avoid Tiger Mothers.


Behind the school, the foggy blacktop was empty except for a few girls shivering in games shorts. Halfway across, one of them called out, “She’ll Flinch.”

Mei ignored the challenge.

“If she doesn’t...” another began, “Wen will.”

Mei hesitated. She was too old for playground games like Flinch. But Wen wasn't.

Setting down her pack and box, Mei turned to find Jasmine Robinson-Lui standing at the head of a circle, arm upraised, fist curled around something.

Mei stepped into the ring of Èrs -- a nickname she’d fashioned from the Chinese translation for 'two'. Kids with two names and too much of everything else. The Smith-Tangs, Chin-Lees and Li-Roberts. Kids with twice the backing of Mei Chang and Wen Wu. Kids who were richerER, meanER and stupidER.

When her eyes met Wen's, Mei raised an eyebrow. Èrs?

Wen lowered hers; the answer from beneath Wen’s neatly sheared bangs was an unmistakable: yes Èrs! And I don’t need your help with them.

But she so did. Wen needed Mei on the blacktop as much as Mei needed Wen in the classroom.

Mei crossed her arms, feeling a surge of fierce determination to save her ungrateful friend. It was the same doggedness (no, cat-ed-ness) that drove her in and out of cat clinics and culture classrooms. It was a grim post-mortuary resolve to do the right thing, the Jun thing.

Even if it was wrong.

Even if, like her Mother's work, it didn't pay. (Crime rarely does, of course.)

10 comments:

  1. Excellent first line!

    I'm a little confused about the MC's age. I'm assuming she's in gradeschool/middle school, but it sounds like she does surgery and microchipping?

    See below:
    So Mei mopped her cheeks and ran through the rest of the (now defunct) schedule. After the Tonkinesse's tooth extraction, they were booked solid with castrations and immunizations, right up until the micro-chipping for that cute new client, Law Hsu. ***Mei would do it herself.***

    And why does the coffin lid boom? Does a cat jump on it? I'm afraid I didn't catch that.

    I really liked some of the prose:
    - In the mortuary's glow, the cats' pupils narrowed into tiny exclamation points.
    - Wen Wu hopped between newly washed black floor tiles
    - Her heart hammered, but her steps stayed silent. Smooth. No mess

    Those are just 3 examples, but they gave really nice images.

    I'm sure others will give you much clearer comments, but these are just a few things that caught my attention.

    Again, I REALLY love that first line--it's awesome!

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  2. I love this fabulous idea. Everything about it is charming and fun, and the detail you go into with the cats is wonderful. Could you even amp up the fantastic, other-worldly element of it? At the moment you have:

    "When Mei's mother died, 47 cats attended her funeral.

    Family and friends were there too, of course, and Mother's colleagues from Chinatown's Cat Clinic. But it was mostly American shorthairs and a handful of more exotic breeds. Chartreux, Manx, Siamese. The Sphinx even made it."

    But you could make even more of a statement:

    "When Mei's mother died, 47 cats attended her funeral. It was mostly American shorthairs and a handful of more exotic breeds. Chartreux, Manx, Siamese. The Sphinx even made it. Some humans came too- family and friends, and Mother's colleagues from Chinatown's Cat Clinic. "

    By adding the humans on at the end, almost casually, you’re telling the reader: ‘My story. My rules. And my rules say that in this world, cats are more important than humans.’ This is a world anyone would want to step into, because you sound so confident as an author.

    Could you bring in Mei’s point of view earlier, establish her as the main character, and let us feel as if we’re in real time not back story? Maybe establish her POV as she looks around at the funeral and notes to herself in that casual way that some humans have made it too. I was a little confused about timing in these opening paragraphs– it seemed she was back at the clinic looking at the schedule, then the coffin lid slammed – so keeping us closer to her pov might help with grounding us in time and place.
    "In the mortuary's glow, the cats' pupils narrowed into tiny exclamation points." – fantastic!
    "And as Mei's eyes followed them back to the body, they went liquid, leaking salty tears "– not so sure about that image.

    I found the way this is expressed a bit confusing:

    "This is where it started for Mei.

    The stealing.

    What else could she do?

    When Dr. Jun Chang died, the clinic wouldn't treat these poor animals.

    So Mei did.

    And that's how Mei became a cat burglar -- albeit a new kind, one who stole for cats."

    Could there instead be an active scene where she goes back to the clinic and is told, ‘oh no, we can’t treat that cat, or that one- they can’t pay.’ The explanation above would follow more naturally from that.
    "She stumbled. Twice." – what on? It’s not normal to stumble when crossing an ordinary floor.

    "In the months since her mother’s death, Mei did little more than sneak back into the clinic for syringes and splints and Selederm. This was hardly an offense." – it probably is an offence, realistically. Is she saying this to herself, to try and feel better about it? I don’t think there’s a problem with having your main character steal for kind, good reasons (Robin Hood manages to be a hero!) but factually, it would be stealing.
    I love the vivid, well-crafted writing in the last part of the piece. For example:
    " She forced a breath -- in, out -- and imagined Jun Chang's fingers expertly threading a needle, finding a vein. In. Out. Then she made a swift and surgical swipe. In …

    Out, out, out! "

    I do think you rely a bit much on telling, though. E.g. this:
    "It was the same doggedness (no, cat-ed-ness) that drove her in and out of cat clinics and culture classrooms. It was a grim post-mortuary resolve to do the right thing, the Jun thing.

    Even if it was wrong.

    Even if, like her Mother's work, it didn't pay. (Crime rarely does, of course.)"

    The voice in the passage above is strong (cat-ed-ness) but it distances us from Mei's point of view. Also, you're telling us something we already have worked out from what you have shown us abut her character.
    I really enjoyed this though, and loved the detail about Chinese language and culture. Mei is an immensely likeable heroine.

    ReplyDelete
  3. What an amazing story! I LOVE the idea behind it and Mei. I think you have a winner here and are clearly a good writer. Though I love the first line, we must kill our darlings. I would drop the entire prologue since they are so controversial. You don't really need it. We get almost everything from the first chapter with a couple simple tweaks. It will also solve the "telling" issue if you SHOW us the situation now and compare it carefully in Mei's mind to when her mother was around.

    That said, I would ground us more clearly in the classroom since you were still referring back to the funeral at the beginning, I was confused where and when we were for a moment. Take your time and put some details in. Be sure you're communicating everything to us as clearly as you see it.

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  4. Hi Ashley,

    First off, I love the opening line and think you’ve got a great title. There are lovely descriptions as well, such as ‘pupils narrowed into tiny exclamation points’ and the concept of the Ers and Tiger Mothers.

    In chapter 1, I did want a stronger sense of place. The reflection about Mei running her fingers under the set of Chinese characters which read: Do Not rise and the subsequent line about ‘saying that around a coffin was really rubbing it in’ had me thinking she was at a mortuary or the funeral home – not at school. There’s important information in this sequence – Mei’s ‘hating calming’ and all the apologies she’d heard in the months since her mother’s death. Perhaps you can rearrange the information and give us Mei’s surroundings earlier in the scene?

    Perhaps rephrase ‘her old and pretty much only friend’ as, at first glance, it sounds like her friend is much older than Mei.

    I like the concept of a cat burglar who steals to help cats, but wanted to see how her thefts benefit felines. It wasn’t clear to me what Mei does with the supplies she liberates. Is there another vet who provides free services that Mei gives her ‘take’ to? Or does Mei do some cat care herself? (If so, we need to know she both observed and helped her mother with the medical care in her practice, and know where Mei would provide this care.) Perhaps this will be folded in later, but the question was there.

    I felt a little confused during the ‘She’ll Flinch’ sequence. Did the girls playing the game see Mei and call out to her – as the ‘Mei ignored the challenge’ implied? If so, I think we need to know how close Mei is to them and is there some risk because they’ve seen her right after her theft of the silk worms?

    Best wishes.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hello,

    Wonderful first line. I'd also say do away with the prologue and start with what she is doing right now as cat burglar and why it's different from all the other times she's done it before. There's a lot of snappy action and I can tell there's a zany plot. You have great individual sentences but I'm getting distracted because the events are moving too quickly while I'm still processing questions. How does Mei know about the surgical swipe? Did she shadow Dr. Jun? Did she learn it on her own? What is a blacktop?
    I think it can be strengthened by giving attention to how she feels about Uncle Shen, Tiger Mothers, or even Dr. Jun. Does she push them out of her mind? Is she bonding with cats and saving animals because she wasn't able to save her mother?

    Maybe establish what's happening before you describe her reaction about palms going sweaty and lips drying up.

    What are Mei's motives?

    Also, sorry to be picky on this and if someone doesn't speak or read Chinese, maybe that won't bother them but the pinyin for "two" being compared with "ER" endings threw me off because the inflections/tones are very different. Maybe you can clarify that in this world, they are pronounced the same. Or that Mei speaks differently, etc.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Whoops, my comment got cut off.

    Wanted to call out this great line that reflects her personality and voice: "It was a grim post-mortuary resolve to do the right thing, the Jun thing."

    More of this breezy authentic smartness please! But consider showing some vulnerability to her character also, or her frustration with why she needs to be sly about her burglary activities.

    Looking forward to seeing your next draft!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Whoops, my comment got cut off.

    Wanted to call out this great line that reflects her personality and voice: "It was a grim post-mortuary resolve to do the right thing, the Jun thing."

    More of this breezy authentic smartness please! But consider showing some vulnerability to her character also, or her frustration with why she needs to be sly about her burglary activities.

    Looking forward to seeing your next draft!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Not sure if this is going to confuse you or show support, but I liked the prologue. A lot. You could just call it chapter 1 if you're worried about the word "prologue" turning agents off.

    Also, I'm very impressed you remembered my name from earlier this year. Kudos for you.

    So now I've given you a writer's worst nightmare--conflicting advice! Do with it what you will!

    Best of luck...

    ReplyDelete
  9. I’m grinning at your opening. It’s bizarre in the kind of way my fave Middle Grade stuff is. ;) It is all so vivid and the cats already feel like characters.

    So weird that her mother would ignore the infection! That really intrigues me.

    I was slightly confused at the cute new client. The cat is cute? the boy? how old is this character and does she have crushes? (ones she’s not too embarrassed about?)

    “head funnel” I feel like someone who worked with a cat would call it an e-collar...

    cut the repetition of the word saw.

    ha! crickets!

    at the start of the first chapter, I’m really not sure where she is.

    Think you should write it “cat burglar-y”

    How does using the word “damn” go over in middle grade?

    I’m getting a little mixed up (might just be me) so she isn’t stealing cats, which is what I thought at first. She is continuing her mom’s vet practice by stealing medical supplies? How old is she? does she really know how to do this?

    ReplyDelete
  10. BTW, if you have any burning vet-med questions, you can shoot them my way. Either here or on twitter. I'd be glad to help! (University of Wisconsin-Vet Med 1998 graduate, worked in small animal practice ever since, so if you want any help, I'm certainly qualified--as in, not some hack...haha)

    ReplyDelete