Monday, August 12, 2013

1st 5 Pages August Workshop - Catalano Rev 1


Name: Pete Catalano
Genre: Middle Grade Magical Realism
Title: UNLIMITED WISHES


My head snapped back.

Hit squarely from behind, with no warning or consideration to how I struggled to carry the over-sized box I salvaged from the computer lab’s Annual Spring Cleaning, I fell to my knees.

I watched helplessly as the spare parts flew through the air. In the second it took to hit the ground, all the painstaking work I had done sorting the smaller parts into glass jars was lost. They burst into thousands of razor-sharp shards upon impact and scattered across the sidewalk. I froze, waiting for the tinkling sound of broken glass to stop before I dared move again.

“Hey Price, where’s my laptop?” a voice demanded as I kept my head down.

“It’ll be done tomorrow,” I said, touching my bruises lightly. “I promised you it would be ready on Wednesday.”

“Today’s not Wednesday?” the voice asked.

“Nope,” I said, making sure nothing but the jars were broken, “it’s still Tuesday. Just like it was earlier at school when you demanded it then.”

“Well.” He looked confused. As if he were searching for something else to say other than the usual grunt. “I’ll be back.”

“Looking forward to it.” I smiled and half-waved as he stomped away. “Oh yeah,” I thought, gathering up my things. “Another satisfied customer.”

I found my niche and guaranteed my safety through my ability to fix anything with a motherboard. Unless you have a miracle or a magic wand, those two things are an essential combination to survive any given day in middle school.


Getting home with as many good parts as I was able to manage, I plopped down on a chair in the kitchen and spent a moment carefully pulling tiny shards of glass out of my clothes as my little brother, Max, came stumbling into the room. He was five and just about at that age where it seemed as if everything he did was in an effort to destroy me and everything I loved.

Odin, our one-hundred-and-forty pound sheepdog, followed Max closely. I was never quite sure if Odin was protecting Max from the terrors of the world or protecting the world from the terror we called Max.

“What have you been doing today?” I asked him, not really caring what his answer was, but just chattering as I got up and looked for something to eat . . . and something to do.

“Playing . . . ” Max said slowly, his eyes never once looking in my direction as he wrestled with Odin across the floor of the kitchen, “ . . . in your room.”

“Mom,” I slammed the refrigerator shut and ran up the stairs to my room two steps at a time, stopping just short of the doorway. Much to my disappointment, the light was on and the door was cracked open. I moved cautiously, knowing that if I was about to step into a disaster it would produce a violent reaction, and Max wasn’t quite within my reach. I needed to give him some time to catch up.

Hearing his footsteps and the distinct sound of Odin’s jingling collar coming down the hall behind me, I gave my door a slight push, and waited breathlessly as it glided open.

At first glance things seemed fairly undisturbed, but again, this was just a quick, skimming-the-surface look, checking to see if there were any walls cracked, ceiling tiles pulled down, or any structural damage that was easily seen or dangerously unsafe.

Realizing that the damage or rather “play,” as Max called it, would be limited to something less obvious, but possibly far more terrifying, I started to look at my individual, collectible items . . . the ones that, if looked at, touched, or even breathed on, carried the naturally-standard penalty of death.

There are three things I value more than anything in this world . . . my video game collection, my comic book collection, and my cell phone.

My video game collection took up space on several shelves on the wall just below the console. Since they were in order by type and frequency of use, they would be quick and easy to go through to make sure that none of them were damaged or even out of place. Watch Dogs, Grand Theft Auto V, Call of Duty: Ghosts, FIFA 14, NBA 2K14, it looked like all the important ones were there. After a few moments, I knew that particular part of my collection was safe, and I moved onto the next.

My comic book collection was far more extensive and kept in plastic sheets and arranged alphabetically . . . and by value. They would take a little longer to go through.

There are two comics, in particular, Superman #14 and Spiderman #8, that are graded. Thankfully they were protected by two sheets of hard plastic and out of the hands of busy little brothers.

I looked over at Max, who had finally caught up, followed closely by Odin, of course, who in this particular case was certainly protecting Max from me.

“So do you want to tell me what you were playing with,” my fingers moved rapidly through my comic collection, “or do you just figure you and Odin can outrun me when I find out what you did?” I waited for an answer. “You planning on just jumping on his back and having him run for daylight?”

Max shrugged and sat on the floor next to Odin, either not sure what I was doing or taunting me in the subtlest way I have ever been taunted.

“Mom!” I yelled out one more time, hoping to put both this hunt and my anxiety to an abrupt end.

“What is all the ruckus in here?” Mom asked as she came into my room to find me going through my comic books and Max and Odin staring up at me. “Ooooh, now isn’t that sweet,” she said. “See Luke, I told you. He just adores you.”

“He doesn’t adore me,” I protested and accidently allowed a short, brief whine to escape out of sheer frustration. I stopped what I was doing, as I was taken by surprise by that long, high-pitched cry. It was a sound coming from me that was very familiar from my own Max-like days, but something that I hoped would never escape from my throat again.

Once the embarrassment was gone, I started to explain. “Max said he was playing in my room today, and I thought if I could find whatever he did, whatever he touched, whatever he even looked at for too long, I would be able to fix it or even reverse it. But he’s not talking. He’s just sitting there mocking me, Mom, and he’s even pulled Odin into his little mind game as well.” She looked at both of them and then looked back at me. “I think we may need to get a little physical with him.”

“Max?” my mother asked . . . one time.

Max stood up, Odin nearly in his back pocket, and walked to my closet, opened the door, and reached into the farthest corner away from the doors. He returned just as quickly, and as he opened his hands, he showed me several small pieces of metal, a few screws . . . and a cell phone battery.

“Oh, Max,” my mother said disapprovingly.

“I might as well be dead,” I cried, looking at the several random pieces that lay in my hands. Usually if there is an issue with my phone, I would just pull it apart, fix it, and then put it all back together again. But with this . . .

“My social life, however limited it may have been, is now over,” I said, the whine returning quickly. “I must have had a thousand names in that contact list . . . ”

“Luke . . . ” my mother said.

“I must have had a hundred names in that contact list.”

“Luke . . . ”

“I had a good ten names in that contact list, and now I have to tell every one of them why I need that information . . . again,” I took a deep breath before I continued. “I have to get a new phone.”

5 comments:

  1. Nice changes! This has plenty of early teenage angst, and moves right along.

    My suggestions are:
    - When he talks to the boy in the beginning, he's keeping his head down and you call the other character a voice. I'm not sure why he doesn't want to look up, so an internal thought might help. Also, he sees Price's expression, so he must be looking to identify it as confused and looking for something further than a grunt.

    - I'm not sure why Max doesn't tell Luke what he did right away; granted my kids are grown but I remember five-year-olds as being big on chatter. Maybe he could look guilty? Or hide?

    - Personal preference, but in this section:
    I moved cautiously, knowing that if I was about to step

    If you changed it to: knowing if I stepped you could make it more immediate.

    I particularly love this line: I started to look at my individual, collectible items . . . the ones that, if looked at, touched, or even breathed on, carried the naturally-standard penalty of death.

    Hope this helps.

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  2. “Looking forward to it.” I smiled and half-waved as he stomped away. “Oh yeah,” I thought, gathering up my things. “Another satisfied customer.”

    He's being sarcastic here? Or does he mean it? Because in the next paragraph . . .

    "I found my niche and guaranteed my safety through my ability to fix anything with a motherboard. Unless you have a miracle or a magic wand, those two things are an essential combination to survive any given day in middle school."

    You say he "guaranteed his safety" but he touches a bruise which I thought indicated he'd been beaten up recently. I assumed it was by the guy demanding his laptop back. Is that not the case? I actually like that very outward sign that all is not well. I think it's a smart way to comment on his social standing. I also thought (since in your first draft he seemed so self-aware/snarky) that you could use that convo with the idiot to show his personality. He could make a sarcastic comment under his breath, not able to control himself, and then the bully almost hits him, but he wants his laptop, so he just feigns a punch and laughs at him when he flinches. Just an idea.

    Also in the sentence "Unless you have a miracle or a magic wand" I thought you could make it more relevant to middle school by saying something like "unless you have a (insert awesome sport skill here or movie-star looks, etc.) Basically if you could replace miracle and wand with two things that would make middle school boys very popular, it might help define the school environment and Luke a bit more, because presumably he's not beautiful and doesn't have athletic skill.

    Five-year-olds can be honest to a fault. It'd be funny to have Max do whatever he felt like (also very true to that age) and then inform Luke of it. It could be a running gag.

    "carried the naturally-standard penalty of death."
    I think if you dropped naturally, this would read smoother.

    “Max?” my mother asked . . . one time."
    I don't understand the "one time"

    “I might as well be dead,” I cried, looking at the several random pieces that lay in my hands.
    I would drop several in this sentence. It makes it read a bit funny.

    I love the end when he's being so dramatic about his phone, but also reducing the contact list as his mom says his name. You get a lot about his character from that.

    I also love the new beginning. It reads a lot better. I feel like I know Luke a bit better now. Great job!

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  3. Also, I meant to ask, do you know about Writeoncon? I hadn't seen your stuff up and it seems like there are a lot of great opportunities to be had. :)

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  4. I am so enjoying Luke's personality in this new beginning! I totally see how he fits into the social hierarchy at school. And I just love how you've shown us who he is rather than telling us.
    Could do with a bit more description of the mean kid. We infer he's popular (?)… but how does Luke know him specifically?

    You've improved the tension as Luke enters his room to discover if anything's amiss.

    I love the "geek stuff" in his bedroom, but there's too much specific detail. Unless it's relevant to Max's mischief I don't think you need to mention how everything on the shelves is arranged, packaged, and so on (I didn't understand "graded", tho I suppose teenage boys will). Better to find a more succinct way show the geek stuff. I was waiting for Max to reveal that he'd destroyed the comics since you spent time telling us how valuable they were in particular. Maybe:
    "I first made sure my extremely valuable comics (Superman #8 and #14, if you must know) were unharmed. Check. …"

    I laughed when I read this:

    “I must have had a thousand names in that contact list . . . ”

    “Luke . . . ” my mother said.

    “I must have had a hundred names in that contact list.”

    “Luke . . . ”

    “I had a good ten names in that contact list…"ad this

    Max… I'm thinking you could do better with the name. 'Max' the go-to name for all troublemakers. Not to mention famous for his role in WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE… do you want to compete with that? Just a thought.

    Let's see more 'acting' in the scene in the bedroom. Luke, mom and Max should all have a little more physical action here. Eye-rolling, stomping, hands on hips, sneaking… adding some physical cues to Luke's role would substantiate the whine that escapes him, which right now seems out of context. Have him look around, surveying the scene, frustrated that he knows something's wrong and Max isn't talking, consumed by needing to know what happened and not getting any info… then WHINE! Right?

    Excellent revisions on the whole. The humor is really working here.

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  5. Hey! Great revision! I wonder though about the bruises he has at the beginning. That kind of set up a darker tone for me and insinuated that he's beaten up a lot. I think just having the bully there is enough. I also worry that the dumb bully is too stereotypical. That could be an issue. I do love his voice and the little brother. I like his ten contacts too. :D
    The very very beginning is still a little awkward and out of the blue for me. I want slightly more context to go with when he's shoved from behind. You can do that very simply with just a few words setting up what he's doing or where he is first. We need to know the tone and that's WAY open for interpretation if that makes sense. Sorry to comment so late!!!

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