Name: Donna L Sadd
Genre: Middle Grade Adventure/Fantasy
Title: OCEAN'S EDGE- The Mystical Underwater Adventures of Katie Stone
Katie Stone was a cute, slim girl with freckles on her face, green eyes and beautiful auburn hair cut just below her ears. Though her mother always asked her to let her hair grow long, Katie kept it short so it wouldn't get in her eyes while swimming or searching out sea shells, which were two of her very favorite things to do.
Growing up on the shore of Folly Beach, South Carolina had brought a love of the water, its creatures and its mysteries early to Katie. She spent every waking moment that she could down by the water's edge. Whether it be fishing off the pier, or right out her back door plopped in the sand with a good book and her golden Retriever Anemone by her side.
Along with a love of the sea, Katie loved reading. She especially loved reading anything about the ocean, and she knew a lot about it. She could tell you anything you wanted to know about Loggerhead Turtles and Bottlenose Dolphins because they were native to Folly Beach.
Her parents supported her volunteer efforts with the Folly Beach Turtle Watch Program, where caring folks would help protect the eggs that the loggerheads laid before they returned to the sea and they would accompany her on weekend nights to stand watch over the future baby turtles.
Folly’s Loggerheads loyally return to the nest where they hatched years earlier. Mother turtles venture on to the beach on summer nights, dig holes around the high-tide line and lay their eggs before returning to the ocean. The buried eggs hatch 45 to 65 days later, and hatchlings have to make their way down the beach and out to the Gulf Stream, 30 miles off shore. Only 1 in 1,000 hatchlings survives to adulthood. Predators, pollution, boats, and people are all serious threats to baby and adult turtles.
Katie is an avid friend and supporter of the turtles and diligently scours the beach to cover any holes left in the sand, usually by sandcastle builders, that baby hatchlings could fall into, which would prevent them from returning to the sea.
She loves her volunteer nights during Indian Summer when she gets to help guard the eggs. Everyone keeps their lights out on the shore so the hatchlings successfully run towards the light over the ocean. She appreciates the dark silence of the beach, but loves most the sounds of the sea hitting the shoreline while they wait for the eggs to hatch.
The only evidence that hatchlings will leave to show that they successfully made it to the sea is in leaving trails in the dark towards the ocean to be discovered by morning's light.
There's been many a night when Katie's parents had to carry her up to the house because she was lulled to sleep by the magnificent ebbs and flows of the ocean she loves.
The dolphins of Folly were no strangers to Katie either. They enjoyed feasting on the plentiful schools of redfish that swam the waters of Folly Beach so they could always be found. Katie spent hours and hours watching and playing with the dolphins and internally prided herself for being able to 'speak' with them.
Her parents didn't know it, but Katie swam with the dolphins too. The kid was a fish herself! Folks on Folly would tease her and say they rarely saw her dry.
She had a particular dolphin pair that she loved, Finny and Flopper. She named Finny because of her exceptionally large and thick dorsal fin. All Katie had to do was grab Finny's big fin and hang on for a fun ride that could last all afternoon. While riding her, Katie would day dream that Finny could pull a sailing ship if she wanted to because Finny was so strong and fast.
Flopper got his name because he had a wacky move where he would fly through the air, spin around and splash huge amounts of water like he was doing belly flops. When he wasn't flopping he would nuzzle Katie with his beak. Aside from his mate Finny, Katie was his special girl and he loved her.
Katie knew all about fish too. She could tell you what bait or lures to use to catch local redfish, trout, ladyfish or flounder, depending on whether you were fishing off the Edwin S. Taylor Folly Beach Fishing Pier or casting off the beach. She fished with her dad all the time, but they usually would release them back to the water unless mom wanted a catch for dinner. Neither Katie or her dad particularly cared for eating fish. Her father because he was allergic to them and Katie because she thought of fish as her friends.
She was the Ocean's girl through and through.
***
PAULIE
Pauline "Paulie" Denardo was Katie Stone's best friend. They grew up together on the same ocean-side block of East Ashley Avenue.
She didn't much care for school and got distracted easily by daydreaming of world adventures. It didn't mean she wasn't smart though; she was just smart in a different way. Katie would help her with her studies and exams all the time and Paulie would always manage to squeak out decent grades despite the fact that she really wasn't very interested in books.
Sports was another story though; she loved competition and pushing her body to achieve amazing things. Paulie was on the swim and softball teams at her school, and kept herself strong.
She had short pitch black hair that lately she'd taken to gelling to get it to look all spikey. She wore black nail polish and sometimes black lipstick once she got out of the house. Her clothes were pretty outlandish and the kids in the school hallways would usually point at her and snicker to themselves. Paulie didn't let teasing bother her; she was confident in herself.
Katie didn't care about Paulie's appearance either and thought it was probably an attempt by Paulie just to get noticed.
Paulie's dad was senior staff at UNICEF, so he was away to countries all over the world more than he was home. Often he would take Paulie with him to far away countries to spend her summer vacations volunteering.
Paulie loved this time with her father visiting exotic places like South America, Africa and Asia to name a few. She developed the unique ability to pick up foreign languages very quickly, in a few days or a few hours sometimes. It was quite uncanny, yet this ability endeared her to people quite quickly as there was no barrier to communicating.
As Katie was always interested in learning something new, upon Paulie's returning home from some far off land, she would teach Katie the languages she learned. Paulie was pretty fluent, and Katie would be able to hold her own in simple conversations.
Though Katie and Paulie were quite different from each other, they had a bond that no one could break. They were grow-up friends and that's all there was to it.
First Five Pages Writing Workshop: Jump Start Your Novel and Career
Hi Donna,
ReplyDeleteThe first thing I want to tell you is how much I was attracted to one line of your work.
"They were grow-up friends and that's all there was to it."
This sentence really grabbed me. I re-read it a half a dozen times I liked it so well, and then I read it to my daughter. It makes me want to love your characters. Unfortunately, I didn't feel drawn to them earlier in the pages, I think because there's too much description, which ends up being a little dry. I prefer more active passages. For example, I'd like to hear how Katie is lying under the pier, her head resting on her dog, re-reading her favorite book, and how that makes her feel, not that it's one of her favorite things to do.
I would like to know your characters' ages.
There are few places I think are contradictory.
Ex. Katie's a fish herself. No one sees her do anything but swim except she fishes off the pier and hangs out in the sand with a book and her dog. There's a silent beach where she loves the sounds.
I also have some problems with credibility. How does a character learn a language in a few hours? In South America, does she visit several Spanish speaking countries, or ??? Same with Asia and Africa.
Do you mean to make Katie and Paulie both sensational, too-good-to-be-true characters? If so, I think you bring out more of their hearts when you initially tell about the characters. The initial description of each character is of an average girl but paragraphs into each description, there's something sensational. For Katie - she's a swimmer, reader, loves the water, and swims with dolphins. For Paulie, she's athletic, not a great student, travels to exotic places, and learns languages in hours.
If these sensational things are their focus, I'd make a bigger deal of them and move them up to the front.
For my two cents, a mystical adventure with a girl who befriends dolphins and another who speaks foreign languages instantly has the potential to be very exciting. The other characteristics don't grab me nearly as much.
Hope this helps.
Good Luck.
First off, I like the title. It's very middle-gradeish, as is the tone of the writing. I also (like the above commenter) adore that last line. If possible, keep it in your revisions! The writing itself is fine, and I'm very curious what what's in store for Katie and Paulie. I do have some suggestions, though:
ReplyDelete-The first five pages are crucial, because that's when readers meet the main character(s). It saddens me to say that I feel like I'm being told what Katie and Paulie are like, rather than seeing them in action. A reader is far more likely to connect to a character through their actions and their words. I'm sure you've heard that mantra "show don't tell".
- Begin with some action, or conflict. This is far more likely to hook a reader than writing two sections "introducing" Katie and Paulie. I think this will be key to fixing the above issue, because you'll be forced to
-I, also, don't believe that Paulie (or any person) could be fluent in a language within a few months. It's one thing to know words. It's another thing to be able to converse in a foreign language. Being fluent requires Paulie to actually study the grammar and sentence structure of that language, and studying is something you've already established Paulie doesn't like.
There is a lot of potential, from what I've read! It's just a matter of hooking the reader within these first few pages. Hope this helps I look forward to reading your revisions!
Sorry, my comment got messed or or something:
DeleteFirst off, I like the title. It's very middle-gradeish, as is the tone of the writing. I also (like the above commenter) adore that last line. If possible, keep it in your revisions! The writing itself is fine, and I'm very curious what what's in store for Katie and Paulie. I do have some suggestions, though:
-The first five pages are crucial, because that's when readers meet the main character(s). It saddens me to say that I feel like I'm being told what Katie and Paulie are like, rather than seeing them in action. A reader is far more likely to connect to a character through their actions and their words. I'm sure you've heard that mantra "show don't tell".
- Begin with some action, or conflict. This is far more likely to hook a reader than writing two sections "introducing" Katie and Paulie. I think this will be key to fixing the above issue.
- How old are Kaite and Paulie? I'd like to get a better sense of their age. My guess is 12? At times, the girls seem younger, and then other times, older.
-I, also, don't believe that Paulie (or any person) could be fluent in a language within a few months. It's one thing to know words. It's another thing to be able to converse in a foreign language. Being fluent requires Paulie to actually study the grammar and sentence structure of that language, and studying is something you've already established Paulie doesn't like.
There is a lot of potential, from what I've read! It's just a matter of hooking the reader within these first few pages. Hope this helps I look forward to reading your revisions!
At first I thought Katie was a cute little 10 year old or something. But as I read, I slowly felt that she’s much older, especially with fishing and doing volunteer work. So I'm not quite sure how old they are.
ReplyDeleteThe paragraph about the loggerheads felt like an excerpt from a discovery channel book though. Lots of information about the turtles. I feel like I’m not getting very hooked into reading more. It sets up the book to be very bed-times story-ish.
I’m surprised the dad fishes if he’s allergic to fish, in some cases even touching fish could cause a reaction.
There’s a lot of volunteering. Katie does and now Paulie does, but Paulie does in other countries? Also, they’re best friends, but they don’t interact except at school where Katie helps Paulie study. Do they volunteer together? Swim together? They both like swimming, but Katie seems to be a loner.
I also agree with the others about her ability to learn languages. Unless this has to do with the fantasy aspect of the story? If so then can Katie actually speak to fish? If that’s the case, I would try and fit in more of the world building if this isn’t like our world.
This has a lot of interesting things goign for it, but there’s just so much information that it gets bogged down. I’d stick to the characters and their stories. We don’t’ need to know how the turtles mate and how many miles they have to travel. If you really want this information in there, you could always have Katie talking some poor shmucks ear off about all the things she knows before he makes an excuse to leave :P
Donna,
ReplyDeleteFirst I want to say that your characters were really well thought out. They both had some fun quirkiness and I can see that they will work well together in a story.
I was not clear on the ages because some of the description felt older, while some felt younger. However, I currently have an eleven year old daughter, and sometimes she acts older, and sometimes she acts a lot younger, so that could work. I think it's an age where they feel trapped between two different age groups and the exploration of finding the new independence works.
My biggest concern as I read this is that it felt more like character sketches (really good ones) rather than the beginning of the novel. I do love the characterization, but in middle grade you really need to pull them in and set up the conflict or story line. Five pages in and I don't know what that is yet. You could save these characterizations and work them in throughout the book or have a fun facts that you share about each girl at the beginning of the chapter.
The other thing I worry about is it felt a little telly in spots. Try to show the characterization in actions and description rather than putting it all out there in these longer introductions. You can show some of the friendship through interaction, and each of their interests through dialogue. I'm not sure how you are narrating this, but if you did alternate viewpoints, you could learn a lot from each character by having the other one describe or think about the character--which in turns shows more about the character thinking.
You've got two great characters, which is great! I'd love to see more of the action and to learn what the story is about!
Hi! I can see that you really have a handle on your characters and know everything about them, which is huge! BUT (I know it's a big but) everything here is telling. You are listing information for us, much like a character analysis instead of a novel. It's a giant info dump. BUT (again but this time in a good way) you can easily fix it! And that's because you have such a good handle on things. Now that YOU know all of this, introduce the reader to the girls while they are in action and SHOW us a scene on the beach or something. We don't need to know all of this upfront. Chances are we don't need to know some of it ever. That depends on the story. And sadly, I don't know what the story is yet. :( I need to know that! I need to at least have a hint of the problem coming. I will eagerly await your revision!
ReplyDeleteThank you all for being *ahem* kind in your critiques of my, yep, info dump. Recently, I had to write a 'first 250 words' for a contest, where the action started immediately, and it made it to the finals. I will take your smart suggestions, pull out those 250, and weave something more worthwhile for the second pass- I hope. :0)
ReplyDeleteHi Donna,
ReplyDeleteFirst off, you have an appealing voice that is going to be very appealing with a bit of redirection. Your characters are spunky and seem the type to make things happen, which is the best kind of character to read about.
But.
Right now, this reads like a pair of character synopses rather than a story. The characters themselves are great, and you know them really well, so I think you are poised to show us a great tale between these two friends. And that's the key. You need to SHOW us.
Here's what I suggest.
First, I suggest that you decide where your story is going to start. Usually, that's on the day that's different, where something changes that is going to lead to conflict. Based on these character sketches, it seems like perhaps Pauline is coming home after living a year or two abroad? And while she is looking forward to seeing Katie and getting right back to the friendship they have always had, but perhaps it isn't going to be that easy?
The key sentence for me in all of this was "They were grow-up friends and that's all there was to it." That's a fantastic hint of Paulie's voice and the conflict to come. I would recommend giving us more of that voice, rather than the more grown-up, omniscient phrasing that you use throughout this piece.
Think about it in terms of a camera lens. Right now, you are floating high above the story and looking down at the characters and describing what you see. That's fine for bits and pieces, but a more current approach, one that kids are getting used to right now, is to bring the camera in closer, so close that we are almost looking through Paulie and Katie's eyes and seeing what they see, hearing what they think. Hearing THEIR voices. Like that fabulous sentence I pulled out. Being closer to them, speaking in their voices, will also let you really home in on places where you have stepped outside of their age-bracket. It's great that they are each unique and advanced for their ages--quintessential, bigger-than-life characters are fabulous. But even when we know that they are going to be special compared to their peers, they need to be clearly identifiable and "real" within their age bracket.
As an exercise, for next time, I would love it if you would try to write an opening scene, with a beginning, a middle, a climax, and an unresolved story question that leads us into the next scene. Or perhaps two scenes. One showing Katie going about her business as a volunteer checking the loggerhead nests in a way that shows us her character and sets up both her good qualities and the quality that is going to lead her to conflict, hopefully in a way that shows or hints at what the story conflict is going to be. Maybe she knows that Paulie is coming home and normally she would be waiting for Paulie, but perhaps she's too busy with the loggerheads to go and so she decides that she can see Paulie later, or something. And then show us Paulie, anticipating seeing Katie, already planning out the conversations they are going to have, the stories she has to share. But Katie doesn't show up.
This is just an example, of course. You may have an entirely different story in mind -- and whatever you do, you need to show YOUR story! Don't let me impose my vision on you at all, and I'm not trying to presume to do that. It's just easier to give an example as a shorthand method of getting you into the concepts.
I love these characters and the situation you seem to be setting up. There are so many places you can take these characters, and I am looking forward to seeing what you decide to show us! :)
Keeping the camera lens idea in mind should certainly help me, thank you. I've chucked most of what I had and have earnestly been trying to show, mostly through dialog. I have been mindful of their ages.
DeleteI appreciate your bringing up two scenes, perhaps three because, there are two more characters involved in the conflict that I would like to touch on...just trying to figure how to do it. Thanks for your input; I shall try to put it to good use.
Hi Donna! I can tell this has a TON of potential. I LOVE the characters you're setting up--Katie and Paulie are totally my kind of gals. Plus, I *adore* that you're featuring BFFs. We need more of that in books. And oh--as a former marine biologisit, you can bet this story appeals to the marine-loving side of me! I'm REALLY excited to see what else you've got here.
ReplyDeleteBut all that said, rather than dig in and critique this section, I'm going to hold off until the next round. I think everyone has said (and you've already agreed) that this isn't actually a scene but a catalogue of information. I'd like you to actually give us whatever the first "real" scene is in your book (and I'll expect no information in paragraph form! ;)). Basically whatever scene you have with dialogue and action and goals--that's what I want to see here.
If that *isn't* okay and you'd like me to dig into this piece, I absolutely will. Just let me know. :)
Wow, marine biology, if I can get on paper what I've got in my head, I think you would love the premise, well, what I have so far.
ReplyDeleteMy mission has been to mix the info in dialog, which has been like pulling teeth, and I will do my best to deliver what you asked, or a reasonable facsimile at least. Thank you!