Name: Donna L Sadd
Genre: Middle Grade Adventure/Fantasy
Title: OCEAN'S EDGE- The Mystical Underwater Adventures of Katie Stone
"Finny! Flop Man!" Katie called out to the sea. Her gold-flecked green eyes glistened as the sun reflected off her bobbed auburn hair. Her year-round, tanned, slim body would grow browner, and her demure freckles would soon be coaxed to dance across her cheekbones.
"They should be here any sec, Paulie. I can't believe the 7th grade is over and summer is finally here- YES!"
"Folly's summer's are always totally roasting. It'll sure be 'cool' taking a ride on your dolphins...get it- cool, wet?" Paulie chuckled at her own joke as she ran her black-tipped fingers through pitch black, short-cropped hair. Ignoring her friend's bad joke, trailing her toe in the sand along the shoreline, Katie asked, "Paulie, have you ever wondered about these bubbles at the ocean's edge? Can air go under the sea? Could creatures breathe under the surface?
"You're weird, Katie; they're just stupid bubbles. Creatures breathing under the surface? Fish do it every day," replied Paulie.
"No, I meant people, like from another worl..."
"Hey, here they come now!"
Two bottlenose dolphins swam close to shore as the girls waded out to meet them. Flopman performed his signature spin and a flop move, and playfully swamped the girls with his flukes.
"I don't think that I'll ever get over how you communicate with these guys, Katie. It's like you've got a psychic connection to sea life or something. I call Finny!" Paulie said as she quickly grabbed the dolphin's huge dorsal fin as it aimed towards the horizon. "I swear this girl could pull a ship; she's so strong."
The dolphins sailed the girls through the foamy waves, and Katie waved to each Loggerhead turtle they passed. A huge one, about three feet round, paddled over to Katie.
Hi, Caretta!" greeted Katie, "Feel like powering up, Baby Doll?" Caretta popped her head up and nodded, with a born-with sweet smile. She took the massive turtle's flipper in one hand, while holding Flop Man's dorsal fin with the other. The two took off at racing speed, as Katie skied barefoot through the waves.
"I swear, that girl was a fish in another life. Hey, wait for us!" cried Paulie. Finny eventually caught up to her mate, and both dolphins then slowed to a casual pace in the inlet with the girls and Caretta in tow.
"So to which Continent are you returning to this summer, Miss Paulina Annabella Denardo, World Traveler? Asia, South America- Africa, perhaps?"
"Dad's needed at New York headquarters, so you've got me all summer instead of a few weeks, mi mejor amiga." Paulie's father is a big wig in UNICEF, and took his daughter with him on his travels ever since she was small. She can hold her own conversing in several languages.
"I'm taking your but-tocks with me everywhere when we're grown, my translator BFF."
"Drop us off at the beach now, guys," said Katie. Finny and Flopman instantly pointed towards shore. "Let's pick up where we left off with the shell collecting. I'm tired of Mrs. Ziffleman winning; let's bring home the "Folly Beach Sea Shell Collector of the Year" trophy this summer. What do you say?"
"I say, let's hope our summer will have more excitement in it than just beating Old Lady Ziffleman. I want to have an adventure! Can't we just have one cool summer?"
"I don't think there's too much adventure to find here on quiet Folly Beach, but we could still have fun. Join me in the summer reading program at the library. We can do some follow-up research on the Atlantis myth that we studied in World History.
"Oh, come on Katie. We just got out of school and you want to stick your head in books again? I want us to do something fun."
As Katie and Paulie hunted for shells and argued about their summer plans, halfway around the world is a boy standing at the bow of one of his father's small fishing boats tossing his net off the coast of Gozo, a small fishing village in Rabat, Morocco.
"عالق في الشباك. لقد حصلت على تقفز فيها." Adisa realized that his net is snagged on something below the surface. He kicked off his sandals and dove into the sea.
While detaching the net from rough coral, Adisa saw something red and glimmering near his net. He grabbed the object and swam back up.
He looked at his watch as he climbed on the boat. "كان ثلاث دقائق تحت الماء، وهذا رقماً قياسياً عالمياً جديداً بالنسبة لي!" Adisa had held his breath for three minutes; it was a new record for him.
As he sat on the deck holding the rounded red chunk, warm in his hand, Adisa thought هذه الصخرة هو خاص بطريقة أو بأخرى.. He became fascinated when the rock he just thought was special, started pulsating in his hand.
As Katie and Paulie searched for shells, and Adisa sits mesmerized by his peculiar red rock, a girl in Bolivia is digging for relics for her father's tourist business.
Pilar unearths a peculiar smooth and shiny black rock from the ground near the ancient ruins of Tiwanaku. "¡Ah, qué roca tan hermosa, negra, y brillante! Mamá me enseñó que el negro obsidiana ofrece protección y es poderoso en ponerse en contacto con los espíritus." Her mother had taught her that black obsidian rock offers protection and is powerful in contacting spirits.
"Papá no será capaz de vender una roca simple. ¡Lo guardo para mí!" She's keeping the glassy rock for herself and knows that her father would laugh at her if she presented a rock as a relic anyway.
"Qué es eso?" Pilar's eyes bulge when her brilliant black rock begins to glow in her hand.
Back at Folly Beach, feeling the waves rush in then ease out over her toes, Katie lifted her shell strainer and jiggled it around until all that remained were bulkier occupants of the sea.
"Throw it back, Katie; it's just a bunch of rocks," said Paulie.
As Katie was about to toss the contents into the water, something caught her eye. "Hey, take a look at this," she said waving Paulie closer.
She held a bright white rock, no bigger than an inch, whose rounded edges Katie naturally surmised had been worn down from centuries of the ebb and flow of the sea.
"This is interesting; it looks like a carving of an ancient structure, like something I've seen in a book somewhere," Katie said, as she zeroed in to notice several huge columns that stood at what seemed to be the entrance of a grand edifice. "It's like something waits inside, but it's all shadowy," she said as she tried to peer deeper.
Katie looked up at Paulie and said, "This is no ordinary rock."
Just then, Paulie exclaimed, "OMG, Katie, the rock is glowing!"
Little did the girls know, at the very same time Katie discovered her peculiar rock, way across the world, a boy in Africa and a girl in South America made similar puzzling finds.
The teens all gasped simultaneously as their stones glowed in their hands.
"Look Paulie, I can see other kids holding glowing rocks too!" Katie exclaimed.
Katie, Paulie, Adisa and Pilar were about to embark on a mysterious adventure.
First Five Pages Writing Workshop: Jump Start Your Novel and Career
Donna,
ReplyDeleteFirst, I like this. You've gotten into the story, and you definitely have some interesting ideas set up for the plot. It's intriguing to think about the different people finding the same rocks throughout the world.
When you are introducing the kids finding the rocks, I would have the girls find the rock, do the line about other teens and then share their experiences. Right now it feels a little confusing and out of order.
The girls feel younger than 7th grade, and so when you talk about teenagers, it pulls me out of the story a bit. Middle school fiction is hard, to get the feeling and tone right. for example, I don't think most 7th graders would care about gathering sea shells for a contest.
Be careful of telling instead of showing for example: "Dad's needed at New York headquarters, so you've got me all summer instead of a few weeks, mi mejor amiga." Paulie's father is a big wig in UNICEF, and took his daughter with him on his travels ever since she was small. She can hold her own conversing in several languages.
I'm not sure how you should handle the foreign languages in the text. I'm assuming that you are using the right phrases, but I don't know if it pulls the reader in or puts up a barrier to the reader. I can see how Paulie's gift at languages is going to help out in the story though.
Finally, your conversation flow may need a little bit of work. Go back and decide if these two girls were best friends, would they really talk that way each other. Sometimes it's great to work in details to a conversation, but it needs to come across naturally and not be forced. Some of the clues you give in the conversation are great, but some can come later in the story, like the fact that Paulie speaks so many languages can easily be shown when they all end up together in the next chapter.
Overall good job. I think this is going to be an exciting adventure story. It is definitely intriguing!
Mim
Mim,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your thoughtful comments.
I'll check the dialog and re-think it. Gotcha on the telling; I see a fix.
The languages are the right phrases, but I do not intend to employ that technique throughout. Here, the characters are alone, thinking/talking in their native tongues...for effect.
Thanks Mim, I'm glad you think it's intriguing. I knew I'd have more work to do and I appreciate your pointing out the weak spots.
This is so much better. You did an incredible amount of work. Good job! I really enjoyed this. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteK.D.
"Finny! Flop Man!" Katie called out to the sea. Her gold-flecked green eyes glistened as the sun reflected off her bobbed auburn hair. Her year-round, tanned, slim body would grow browner, and her demure freckles would soon be coaxed to dance across her cheekbones.
Comment: Take care to vary sentence structure. Her….Her… but great descriptors
"They should be here any sec, Paulie. I can't believe the 7th grade is over and summer is finally here- YES!"
Comment: I’d get rid of the summer is finally here. It’s redundant and feels contrived after the seventh grade is over. BTW spell out seventh grade.
"Folly's summer's are always totally roasting. It'll sure be 'cool' taking a ride on your dolphins...get it- cool, wet?" Paulie chuckled at her own joke as she ran her black-tipped fingers through pitch black, short-cropped hair. Ignoring her friend's bad joke, trailing her toe in the sand along the shoreline, Katie asked, "Paulie, have you ever wondered about these bubbles at the ocean's edge? Can air go under the sea? Could creatures breathe under the surface?
Comment: Divide paragraphs between where the two characters speak. Its difficult to follow since you have Paulie and Katie speaking in the same paragraph. And my son is in seventh grade. He knows exactly how gills work (fish take air in through water).
Two bottlenose dolphins swam close to shore as the girls waded out to meet them. Flopman performed his signature spin and a flop move, and playfully swamped the girls with his flukes.
Comment: Dolphins are large. They’d need water at least six feet deep to not hit their tails against the sand. The girls would have to swim, not wade.
"So to which Continent are you returning to this summer, Miss Paulina Annabella Denardo, World Traveler? Asia, South America- Africa, perhaps?"
Comment: How about where are you going this summer?
"Dad's needed at New York headquarters, so you've got me all summer instead of a few weeks, mi mejor amiga." Paulie's father is a big wig in UNICEF, and took his daughter with him on his travels ever since she was small. She can hold her own conversing in several languages.
Comment: Still having trouble with this she can hold her own in several languages. Are you writing in past or present tense? I think you changed here.
"Drop us off at the beach now, guys," said Katie. Finny and Flopman instantly pointed towards shore. "Let's pick up where we left off with the shell collecting. I'm tired of Mrs. Ziffleman winning; let's bring home the "Folly Beach Sea Shell Collector of the Year" trophy this summer. What do you say?"
Comment: I have a seventh grader. I think they’d be completely engrossed by collecting shells for a trophy. 12 year olds love trophies.
"I don't think there's too much adventure to find here on quiet Folly Beach, but we could still have fun. Join me in the summer reading program at the library. We can do some follow-up research on the Atlantis myth that we studied in World History.
Comment: I don’t think a seventh grader would say join me in the summer reading program. I do think they’d say, hey my mom could take us to the library later if you want….
the boat. "كان ثلاث دقائق تحت الماء، وهذا رقماً قياسياً عالمياً جديداً بالنسبة لي!" Adisa had held his breath for three minutes; it was a new record for him.
Comment: so he just happened to check his watch before he dove for treasure? I think you can introduce his great lung capacity later.
"Look Paulie, I can see other kids holding glowing rocks too!" Katie exclaimed.
Katie, Paulie, Adisa and Pilar were about to embark on a mysterious adventure
Comment: Super exciting!
K.D.,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your kind words and for commenting on stopping points that I need to consider.
I'm relieved, after the first info dump, that you find it "super exciting"! Whew.
Hi K.D,
ReplyDeleteOh this is so much better! More characterization and getting to know Katie and Paulie and the way they react with one another. Showing they’re friends instead of mentioning it before.
I’m wondering how old they are though. The way they speak, they seem older. Especially something this like "This is interesting; it looks like a carving of an ancient structure, like something I've seen in a book somewhere,"
The speaking seems a bit stiff, but not too badly. If you really listen to kids and the way they speak, it helps a lot.
Oh, is this Arabic? I can’t read it, but I recognize it. I wonder if you could use something stylized to show he’s speaking in a different language. Like (“It’s stuck. I have to jump in”) He said. If you just have the language, then the reader is pulled out or get frustrated that they don’t know what’s going on and might start to skim. They won’t realize it’s been reiterated right after he speaks.
Or maybe use Italics. Or write the translation right after in brackets or something.
It really picks up at the end though, with all the rocks glowing. Very interesting. I think the speaking and different languages are the only things that need some elbow grease on. But this is really starting to get good! :)
Thanks, Ellie; I'm glad you see it as an improvement.
ReplyDeleteKatie is bookish and advanced, but I get you on the kid-speak. I have them at 13. In looking at it, it does read a bit stiff-I'll work on that.
Great call on the using italics to show the translations.
Thanks for taking time with it. :0)
You've definitely taken all the critiques into consideration! Well done! This is a much more compelling start to the story, and I like the idea of three people from different parts of the world finding the stone at the same time. I also see how the Pauline's affinity for languages will play a part. Just two things to mention:
ReplyDelete- Seeing full lines of dialogue in another language is a big turn-off for me, especially when no translation is given. A few phrases here and there are fine, because readers can use context clues and guess what is being said. Perhaps you could write in English and mention that this person is speaking a different language.
- I also felt the transitions were a bit abrupt. I suggest you move the scene where Katie sees Adisa and PIlar toward the top, then write those scenes from Adisa and Pilar's POV. However, just another word of advice: if you don't plan to write more scenes from Adisa and PIlar's POV, don't include them here. I think the fact that Katie can see two other girls holding the rock is intriguing enough.
This is definitely a big improvement, and I liked seeing Katie and Paulie in action. They're really interesting characters, and I would definitely read more.
Thanks for your kind comments, Cassie.
ReplyDeleteThe translations are given right after the foreign text, but Ellie pointed out that it should be highlighted, using italics perhaps, so I've got to change those parts to make it clearer and understandable.
An important thing that I got, is that I need to say something to let the reader know Adisa is a boy. :0)
I'm glad you like it a lot better; thanks for taking the time with it, Cassie. :0)
Wow, this is definitely an improvement from last time! I can totally see where the story is going to go and this feels like a real beginning now. :) Great job!
ReplyDeleteThat said, I do think you’re still telling us too much instead of showing it, and I’m also having a very hard time *imagining* what’s actually happening here. See my specific comments below for more on that.
Next, I’d like to see some more POV. While you can definitely get away with an omniscient narrator more easily in MG, it’s still good to sink into a specific character. I am assuming Katie is our protagonist (or one of them), so you would want to tailor your opening scene as if it’s through her eyes. What does she FEEL, emotionally and viscerally? And then, once we’re with Adisa and Pilar, we need to FEEL what they feel. Take a look at some recent MG and see how they do it (I recently read PLANET THIEVES by Dan Krokos, and I think he does a great job of showing/telling what the main character feels.
Overall, I can tell you’ve got a REALLY cool story—and as I said last week, anything with the ocean is a definite win for me!! I think, if you can just bring each scene and character a little bit more to life, then you’ll be well on your way to a great book.
--
“"Finny! Flop Man!" Katie called out to the sea.”--> I feel like we need some sort of setting here. Is she on the beach? On a boat? On a hotel balcony by the ocean? I know it’s beach because you talk about sand later, but be sure to set up the setting sooner. Also, what sort of beach is this? A hot Gulf of Mexico beach with gentle waves? A rough rocky beach? A rough sandy beach? A sea grass-filled bay? There are so many different sorts of coastlines, and the more specific you can get, the better the reader can sink into the story. :)
Also, what time of day is it?
"They should be here any sec, Paulie. I can't believe the 7th grade is over and summer is finally here- YES!"--> If this is still Katie speaking, then you should keep it with the first paragraph—or else give us a dialogue tag so we know. :)
“black-tipped fingers”--> Why are her fingers black-tipped?
“through pitch black,”--> You just used the word black—watch out for echoes like that, and try to find a different word here (or there).
“Ignoring her friend's bad joke, trailing her toe in the sand along the shoreline, Katie asked,”--> This should be a new paragraph because a different person is acting/speaking."
Paulie, have you ever wondered about these bubbles at the ocean's edge? Can air go under the sea? Could creatures breathe under the surface?” --> I’m not really sure what she’s referring to here. Like sea foam? Or…? What kind of bubbles?
“"You're weird, Katie; they're just stupid bubbles. Creatures breathing under the surface? Fish do it every day," replied Paulie.”--> Most people rarely used names in dialogue (pay attention the next time you speak ;)), so you could probably cut most if not ALL the names from the dialogue.
“Two bottlenose dolphins swam close to shore as the girls waded out to meet them.”--> I’d like to see this more clearly. Can you show me what it looks like when the dolphins? Do the girls see silhouettes coming in and so they thrust out into the water? And, when they head out, do they worry about what they’re stepping on (I mean, if I were anywhere on the Atlantic or Gulf, I’d be shuffling to avoid stingrays. On the west coast, urchins are a definite possibility.).
“flukes.”--> You should probably let the reader know what a fluke is. ;) Especially if your target audience is kids.
"I don't think that I'll ever get over how you communicate with these guys, Katie.”--> This feels a bit too easy to me. It’s good that you’re showing us this info through dialogue, but if this girl could ACTUALLY communicate to sea life, then that’s a big deal! I feel like Paulie would be unsettled by it, and if she’s *not* unsetteled, then there’d be no reason for her to bring it up. Does that make sense (I’m afraid I’m rambling a bit here!).
ReplyDelete“Paulie said as she quickly grabbed the dolphin's huge dorsal fin as it aimed towards the horizon.”--> Can you give us more details here? I mean, I want to know what this feels like! What does the skin feel like, how big is the dorsal fin in Paulie’s hand, how does the water feel tugging over her, etc.
“The dolphins sailed the girls through the foamy waves,”--> Again, show this to me. What does it feel like? Does water get up their noses? Is the water warm/cool? Does the salt spray bother their eyes? Little details can go a long way.
“and Katie waved to each Loggerhead turtle they passed.” --> So, loggerheads are an endangered species. I mean, you’re not gonna see too many sea turtles anyway, but definitely not loggerheads. Just FYI. :)
She took the massive turtle's flipper in one hand,”--> Who is “she” here? The last name you said was Caretta, but I *think* you mean Katie, no? Be careful with your antecedents/pronouns. while holding Flop Man's dorsal fin with the other.
“The two took off at racing speed, as Katie skied barefoot through the waves.”--> I can’t really imagine this. How is she skiing exactly? Break every single aspect of this down so I get a very clear picture. And…is she being pulled by both a turtle and dolphin? Turtles can’t swim as fast as a dolphin—not even close. ;)
“the inlet with the girls and Caretta in tow.”--> What inlet is this? You haven’t described or referenced an inlet yet, so it isn’t “the” but rather “a”. :)
“"So to which Continent are you returning to this summer, Miss Paulina Annabella Denardo, World Traveler? Asia, South America- Africa, perhaps?"”--> Who is speaking? Katie, I assume, but the reader needs to know this. Also, an action tag of some sort wouldn’t hurt. You want the characters to interact with their environment as they speak. Progress the plot both with dialogue and AS dialogue is happening.
"Dad's needed at New York headquarters, so you've got me all summer instead of a few weeks, mi mejor amiga."--> Wouldn’t Katie already know this? I mean, if they’re best friends, they probably discussed this ages ago. It might feel more natural to say something like, “Do you miss your Dad yet?” Katie asked as she scrubbed the salt from her eyes.
“Are you kidding?” Paulie scoffed and swatted at a wave. “He’s such a jerk.”
“Yeah, but he’s your dad—”
“And I hop he rots all by himself in New York.” Paulie’s scowl deepened. “Though it does suck not getting to go somewhere cool this summer. I was really rooting for Indonesia this time around.”
OBVIOUSLY, this is just an example (and in MY voice and probs all wrong), but maybe you can see what I’m trying to explain? You can weave important info into a conversation that feels natural while also showing the girls’ personalities.
“Paulie's father is a big wig in UNICEF,”--> You slip into present tense here—be careful about that. You want to stay in past tense. Also, you should probably explain what UNICEF is—I definitely didn’t know at age 8.
“"Oh, come on Katie. We just got out of school and you want to stick your head in books again? I want us to do something fun."”--> I feel like everything between my last comment and here needs the same sort of attention. More weaving in of information (in a more natural dialogue) and more setting and sensory details. If that’s any trouble at ALL, don’t hesitate to ask for more guidance, but rather than repeat my comments for each line, I’m just going to zoom on ahead.
“As Katie and Paulie hunted for shells and argued about their summer plans, halfway around the world is a boy standing at the bow of one of his father's small fishing boats tossing his net off the coast of Gozo, a small fishing village in Rabat, Morocco.” --> When you shift gears like this, I highly suggest a scene break. You don’t have to certainly, but it *is* pretty standard these days. Just a suggestion. :)
ReplyDelete"”الشباك. لقد حصلت على تقفز فيها." “-->??? I’m not sure I follow here. You definitely don’t want to give the reader a foreign language like this. It’s best to just translate it for us in English and say, “he murmured in Arabic.”
“While detaching the net from rough coral,”--> Like above, I need more sensory and setting details. What kind of coral (brain, branching, fire?) and what sort of animals are around? Also, what kind of fish is he trying to catch? And, what does all of this feel like? You say he holds his breath 3 minutes (WHOA. For real, I can’t even get past 40 seconds) but what does that feel like? Does his chest burn? And does he open his eyes under water or have goggles? I need to really SEE what’s happening here.
“As Katie and Paulie searched for shells, and Adisa sits mesmerized by his peculiar red rock, a girl in Bolivia is digging for relics for her father's tourist business.”--> Again, I suggest another scene break. For me, it’s jarring to jump around the world like this… Also, you switch tenses here. Make sure you keep it all in one tense—past is what you started with, so stick with that.
“Pilar unearths”--> Watch your tense! It should be “Pilar unearthed.”
“"¡Ah, qué roca tan hermosa, negra, y brillante! Mamá me enseñó que el negro obsidiana ofrece protección y es poderoso en ponerse en contacto con los espíritus."”--> Again, just give this to us in English.
“Back at Folly Beach, feeling the waves rush in then ease out over her toes, Katie lifted her shell strainer and jiggled it around until all that remained were bulkier occupants of the sea.”--> And now you’ve switched back into past tense. Be careful with that!
Also, just like before, we need to see this much more. Rather than tell me what actions Katie does, show them to me. :)
“Little did the girls know, at the very same time Katie discovered her peculiar rock, way across the world, a boy in Africa and a girl in South America made similar puzzling finds.” --> I’m not sure you need this since we did just see this happen and we know the girls aren’t aware.
“The teens all gasped simultaneously as their stones glowed in their hands.--> What teens? It’d be better to actually name all the people like you do at the end.
"Look Paulie, I can see other kids holding glowing rocks too!" Katie exclaimed.”--> Where does she see this and how? Details will bring this to life.
“Katie, Paulie, Adisa and Pilar were about to embark on a mysterious adventure.--> This is telling the reader what’s about to happen rather than showing them. I think we can all guess that something crazy is about to happen, so you definitely don’t need to tell us too. ;)
Hi Donna,
ReplyDeleteWOW! You have worked really hard and made a huge transformation! You've pulled up the action so the shape of the story is visible, and it is a potentially fantastic story.
Susan and the others have given you some absolutely fantastic, specific comments, so I actually have only a few things I want to add or emphasize.
1) I love the idea of Katie being able to communicate with animals, but I don't believe the extent to which she is able to do so and what they do for her as a result. It's a great superpower, but if there are superpowers used so openly in your world, I'd love a sense of otherness before we encounter them, some indication that the world is not the same as ours. Otherwise, I'd recommend treating this much more subtly.
2) The showing/telling things is your next big challenge. There's a great, quick read on deep POV, which will give you a two-fer because it takes care of the telling thing at the same time:
http://www.amazon.com/Rivet-Your-Readers-Point-ebook/dp/B007PUMQ1O
3) Really consider the age of your characters carefully, and then go pick up a dozen contemporary books about children in that age group. Study how they speak, how they think, the way they are described. You'll spot where you've strayed quite quickly.
4) Be careful of switching from one POV character to another too quickly. Let the reader settle in, get to care about the character, and make sure that there is a real change for the character and the story shown in every scene.
5) Consider handling the languages by inserting a word here or there rather than phrases that will keep the reader from continuing to read at a comfortable pave. I think in this case you can go ahead and tell us the language they are speaking the first time, since it's important. Perhaps you could even make us realize how important by putting it in a scene header. You know, something like:
Name of Character, Location, Date/Time, Language
Then jump into the new scene and POV.
Just some thoughts for next week. I'm so impressed by how much work you've done!!!!
Wow! It's like a whole different book. :D I'm glad you're getting closer to your characters and showing us more. But like they said above, you can still be telling instead of showing. Is the book split between the POV of the different characters? Or do you stick closest to Katie? I'd like to see you try to stay in third person close with one character at a time even if you do switch. If that's tough, try an exercise and write the first page in first person and see how that feels. It will at least help you get inside the character's head. Don't think of yourself as a narrator. Think of yourself as the character no matter how you choose to write it. Great revision!! Sorry this is so late!
ReplyDeleteThanks Susan, Martina and Lisa.
ReplyDeleteI downloaded Rivet Your Readers, and am beginning to understand what I'm doing wrong. I intend on sticking closest with Katie, I think. :P I will try to concentrate on the POV, but I have a feeling it's going to be like pulling teeth! AKK!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete