Name: Miriam
Genre: YA Fantasy
Title: Nightfallen
The men in the clearing look lost, far away from home knowing they will never go back. The light filters through the trees casting green shadows on the ground. It should smell clean out in the middle of nowhere, but instead there is an overwhelming stench of decay. The infected are gathered in a loose circle getting ready to set up camp.
My father leads our team of fighters, signaling men to move around the clearing. They are silent as they tread carefully into place. We should be able to stop any of the infected from escaping as long as the men hold the perimeter.
I step next to him. With his hand on my shoulder, he leans in next to my ear. “Lexy, there are twelve in the clearing. They may have reinforcements.”
I nod and grab my katana in one hand, my knife in another. I peer through the trees assessing the situation. My first rush of adrenaline shows my anticipation for the next few minutes. A group is gathered around a small fire. The infected look tired. A few have the gray bubbles spreading up along their faces. They shouldn’t be able to fight back as quickly as the others. I watch as each man from our group steps into place, blocking any escape path.
At my dad’s signal, I step into the clearing alone. I walk until the talking stops and everyone in the group is staring at me. Twelve sets of eyes, and still no one moves. I wait expectant. I’m ready for this.
“Are you lost?” one of the infected asks. His voice is rough. He doesn’t have any gray bubbles that I can see, but there is a nasty looking bite mark on his arm, with dark streaks of red running up it.
“No.” His concern surprises me. I’m not used to anyone worrying about my safety. I hold my hands steady, shifting my weight slightly as I take in the clearing around me, looking for holes in the ground or things I might trip on. It’s all I can do to hold myself back from the attack.
“You should probably go then,” he says. “I can’t guarantee that they’ll leave you alone.” He waves his arm around him, and the other people in the group just look at me. Most of them settle back down on the log and ignore me. But one of the younger men stands up. He grabs a knife next to him, and rushes toward me. Finally, we can begin.
I bring my sword up to block his downward swing. His blade bounces off my sword, but his other arm grabs my wrist. I move back, and away from him. For the first time in a long time, I stumble. I forget about the men in the clearing around me backing me up. All I can feel is his iron grip on my wrist. All I can hear is the heavy sound of his breath, and all I can see are his cold blue eyes as he comes towards me.
I twist away from him, pulling back as he swings his knife again.
One of the younger men from my father’s group crashes into the clearing. The sound momentarily distracts me from the infected in front of me. No one moves to help him as four of the infected stand up and begin converging on him. Four against one is not a fair fight.
The infected grabs me again, and I manage to pull back and down so he misses my throat, but the tip of the knife still slices across my cheek. It happens so fast that at first it doesn’t feel like anything. Then the stinging starts.
The pain snaps me out of my daze. I thrust myself forward, swinging my sword wide. I can’t reach his neck, so I settle for a sharp jab forward. As I pull my sword out of his stomach, he leans forward clutching his middle, and I move quickly slicing off his head.
The sound of my blood rushing through my ears fades, and around me I hear the shouts of the men, and the sounds of guns rushing forward. The man who stumbled in the clearing is close to being overwhelmed. He is carrying a pump action shotgun and no knives or sword. Although he has blasted away one of the infected, his next shot goes wide. The other three are too close, and one grabs him before he has time to reload and fire again.
He screams, high pitched and wild as he writhes trying to break free, and avoid being bitten.
I pull my knife out of the sheath on my thigh and swing it forward, hitting the infected who has him just below the base of the skull. The infected drops, and the man keeps screaming. As far as I can tell, he doesn’t have any injuries. Two more shots go off while I reach for my other knife and the two infected near him drop to the ground.
Dennis rushes forward, grabbing me. He puts me in the truck and pulls out a compress soaked in alcohol and presses it to my check. My eye begins to water. The fear of infection makes my hands shake. The adrenaline should be leaving me now that the fight is over, but it is still zinging through me.
The rest of the men are in the clearing, cleaning up. After we kill the infected, we try to save their souls. Since their bodies were unclean from the disease, we burn them and my dad prays for them. The ceremony takes some time.
“We need to get you back to the infirmary and give you a booster shot,” Dennis says. “Emma’s not going to be happy about this.”
I just nod. The cut is starting to throb more, and tears burn my eyes. I blink them away making sure my dad doesn’t see me. Tears aren’t worth the anger he will direct at me if he sees them.
Over the sound of the men in the clearing, a wolf howls. Suddenly it is silent. Everyone is frozen, when the sound is repeated back on the other side of the clearing. The echoing sound pushes people forward. The men stop what they are doing and pick up their weapons.
My father runs towards us, then we hear a third howl. My father starts the truck and begins pulling away before the door slams. Men are still in the clearing scrambling into the other truck. Smoke is rising from the fire we set, but no one is stopping to put it out. I’m dizzy, and my stomach lurches along with the truck.
“Travis, how did they find us?” Dennis asks. He is still dabbing at my cheek.
“I don’t know.” My father accelerates, twisting the wheel sharply to avoid hitting a tree.
Above the sound of the truck engine we hear it again. The wolves are howling. I look over Dennis’s shoulder out the window; two wolves are keeping pace with the truck through the trees. It’s the first time I’ve seen a wolf. One runs up to next to the passenger’s door. His fur is pitch black, and as he runs beside us, he looks through the window. His green eyes are human, intelligent. My breath catches in my throat. I can’t break away from his gaze.
“These are the real wolves aren’t they?” Something pounds in the bed of the truck.
First Five Pages Writing Workshop: Jump Start Your Novel and Career
Hi Mariam,
ReplyDeleteI like the addition of the feel of adrenaline running through Lexy.
The beginning is clearer too. It's more obvious that there are two groups of people and her group is sneaking up on the infected.
I'm still having a hard time really connecting with Lexy. I'm not sure if she's excited, nervous or if she's just so used to all this that she doesn't even have to think about battling the infected.
The action is written really well so I know what’s happening, but I don't know how she's feeling about it all. I feel with first person POV, we need to be in her head more. Feel her heartbeat accelerate and her breathing run ragged. Her throat feeling like it's closing at the thought of her father catching her with tears in her eyes. Things like that would add more dynamic to her character. Or maybe she doesn’t' have feelings, and you could point that out. Like "If I was normal, my hands would be shaking" or something like that.
I'm still wondering why they send in one girl in the middle of a bunch of infected :P And that they didn't notice her Katana and Knife. And why did she have to wait for the attack before striking? Is it a zombie rule? Like Vamps can't' come into your home unless invited?
And why they didn’t just shoot them in the head with their guns.
Sorry if that's a lot of questions! I know you can't just answer them all in the first 5 pages. They're probably answered later. I'm just really curious :P
I like Dennis, even if he's not even there that much, but he seems so nice!
Ellie,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments. It's hard to put feelings in for Lexy here, because it is so routine for her. The attack, going in alone, and stuff. I'll work on demonstrating that better. It is explained later on, but I obviously need to hint about it now. You raise a good point about the guns and waiting.
Thanks for your comments!
Mim
Miriam,
ReplyDeleteI really like the changes! There's tons of action and it's super-exciting. However, I'm confused about some things. I cut and paste some of your text with comments placed parenthetically below.
Great job!
K.D.
At my dad’s signal, I step into the clearing alone. I walk until the talking stops and everyone in the group is staring at me. Twelve sets of eyes, and still no one moves. I wait expectant. I’m ready for this.
Comment: I still don’t understand why she would move into the clearing on her own. I don’t follow what’s happening in the story and why.
“Are you lost?” one of the infected asks. His voice is rough. He doesn’t have any gray bubbles that I can see, but there is a nasty looking bite mark on his arm, with dark streaks of red running up it.
Comment: He doesn’t have any visible gray bubbles, but…. And delete that I can see. Sometimes (in my opinion) it sounds more urgent/dramatic if the sentences are shorter.
“No.” His concern surprises me. I’m not used to anyone worrying about my safety. (Question – anyone or infecteds?) I hold my hands steady, shifting my weight slightly as I take in the clearing around me, looking for holes in the ground or things I might trip on. It’s all I can do to hold myself back from the attack. (Again, why would she attack on her own?)
Finally, we can begin.
I bring my sword up to block his downward swing. His blade bounces off my sword, but his other arm grabs my wrist. I move back, and away from him. For the first time in a long time, I stumble. I forget about the men in the clearing around me backing me up. All I can feel is his iron grip on my wrist. All I can hear is the heavy sound of his breath, and all I can see are his cold blue eyes as he comes towards me.
I twist away from him, pulling back as he swings his knife again.
One of the younger men from my father’s group crashes into the clearing.
Comment – I still think this takes an awful long time from when she begins to when she gets backup and I don’t see why her father would leave her vulnerable like that.
The sound momentarily distracts me from the infected in front of me. No one moves to help him as four of the infected stand up and begin converging on him. Four against one is not a fair fight.
Comment – again why is it four to one? How many men are with her father? Where are they and what are they doing?
The pain snaps me out of my daze. I thrust myself forward, swinging my sword wide. I can’t reach his neck, so I settle for a sharp jab forward. As I pull my sword out of his stomach, he leans forward clutching his middle, and I move quickly slicing off his head.
The sound of my blood rushing through my ears fades, and around me I hear the shouts of the men, and the sounds of guns rushing forward. FINALLY!!!
The man who stumbled in the clearing is close to being overwhelmed. He is carrying a pump action shotgun and no knives or sword. Although he has blasted away one of the infected, his next shot goes wide. The other three are too close, and one grabs him before he has time to reload and fire again.
He screams, high pitched and wild as he writhes trying to break free, and avoid being bitten.
Dennis rushes forward, grabbing me. He puts me in the truck (Who’s Dennis? Where was the truck?) and pulls out a compress soaked in alcohol and presses it to my check.
The rest of the men are in the clearing, cleaning up. After we kill the infected, we try to save their souls. (How? Do they pray for their souls? Maybe just say so in one simple sentence that incorporates the pray for below and save above. How much time does the ceremony take? Enough to worry her?)
Since their bodies were unclean from the disease, we burn them and my dad prays for them. The ceremony takes some time.
I just nod. The cut is starting to throb more, and tears burn my eyes. (How long did it take for the cut to start to throb? Usually this happens in minutes.)
Hi Mim,
ReplyDeleteThis is a great opening with lightening-speed pace!
I don't have a problem with Lexi's lack of emotion here, though, and I'm sure you'll show it later, because she's coming off as a gritty warrior.
Going along with the other comments, I just wonder if her father, while leaning into her, could say, "So you're the bait on this kill, Lexy. A girl lost in the woods should catch them off guard enough for us to easily surround them."...or something to that effect.
I still have a problem with the crashing/stumbling guy. Did he jump the gun? Why, at this point, wouldn't the others lying in wait be forced to jump in right then too?
If he's used just for a distraction between Lexy and the infected attacker, perhaps some animal can spook in the woods for a similar effect.
These are small niggling thoughts, however. This is a sitting-on-the-edge-of-your-seat read!
Hi Miriam! You’ve done a great job improving this. It’s like a totally different story at the beginning! That said, I still think you can dig deeper into who Lexy is and what everything looks/feels like. I’ve tried to point out specifics below.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I think you really need to include right off the bat is WHAT the infected are. At this point, it feels really cold and horrible for she and her father’s men to just walk in and slaughter these guys. But if I knew what the infected were, I might not feel that way. I also might be more worried about Lexy’s cheek-cut (at this point, I don’t see how a knife slice on the cheek could make her infected). Does that make sense?
Another thing I’d still really like to see how she feels after she kills that guy. Even if these people are infected, they’re clearly still human beings or were at one point in time…no? So wouldn’t she have SOME emotional reaction to cutting off his head? To really connect us to Lexy, we need to see those emotions.
--
The men in the clearing look lost, far away from home knowing they will never go back.”--> I’d still like to be centered in her POV sooner (meaning opening with “I”), but that’s obviously just a personal preference. :)
Also, I’m still not clear enough on the setting. What is a clearing OF? I pick up later on that it’s a forest, but I’d like to know what sort of forest (conifer, jungle, wild undergrowth, etc.)
“It should smell clean out in the middle of nowhere, but instead there is an overwhelming stench of decay.”-->I like this!
“My father leads our team of fighters,”--> What sort of fighters? I’d like you to be just a bit more specific. Are they volunteers with no training? Soldiers in an army?
“With his hand on my shoulder, he leans in next to my ear. “Lexy, there are twelve in the clearing. They may have reinforcements.””--> Why is SHE here and why is she sent in first? Is she the best fighter? And if so, how does that make her feel? (Maybe she’s kind of arrogant, you know? Or maybe she hates going in first because it makes her feel expendable…See what I’m saying?)
“I nod and grab my katana in one hand, my knife in another.”--> Ohhhhh yessss. Bring on the katana!
“My first rush of adrenaline shows my anticipation for the next few minutes.” --> What does that ACTUALLY feel like? I imagine she’s amped up, but everyone reacts to stress differently. Can you give me *specific* visceral reactions here? A group is gathered around a small fire. The infected look tired. A few have the gray bubbles spreading up along their faces.
“They shouldn’t be able to fight back as quickly as the others.”--> As quickly as what others?
“No.”--> Make sure to add a dialogue tag here so I know that it’s Lexy speaking.
“His concern surprises me.”--> And what does her surprise look like? Show me a physical reaction of surprise. Like, “I stiffen.” or “I blink, caught off-guard by a question like that.” Does that make sense? SEEING a bit of her reactions will help paint this scene more vividly for the reader.
“I hold my hands steady,”--> And she’s holding her katana and knife, no? How do the infected react to those weapons?
“It’s all I can do to hold myself back from the attack.”--> I’m not totally sure I follow this line. You mean she’s raring to go? Like she can’t wait to fight? Is there some way you can SHOW me this instead of telling? I’d like to see her eagerness to beat some ass right from the opening paragraph. Something like, “The men in the clearing are sitting ducks for me and my katana. I can already imagine what their screams will sound like.”
THAT SAID, I should point out that if she’s too eager to attack these unarmed guys, she’s going to seem like a really unsympathetic protagonist. I realize these guys are infected, but as a reader, I don’t know what the means or why it makes these men “bad”. For all I know, they have leprosy, and I should pity them. My point is that you should set up from paragraph 1 WHY these guys are “bad” and why Lexy’s mission is the “good” one. Does that make sense?
“But one of the younger men stands up. He grabs a knife next to him, and rushes toward me.” Can you give this more “oomph”? I’d like to SEE this more clearly. *How* does he stand? In a jump to his feet? In a slow, predatory rise? And where is this knife that he grabs? Just lying on the log? And when he rushes toward her, what does she do? Wouldn’t she sink down in her stance and watch him for any weakness?
ReplyDelete“Finally, we can begin.”--> Again, make sure she’s sympathetic. The other guy did warn her to leave, and most of these men are just ignoring her…Yet she still wants to kill them. Make sure we know why that is.
“grabs my wrist.” --> Which wrist/hand? The one with the sword or the one with the knife?
“I move back, and away from him.” --> How? Isn’t he holding on to her?
“For the first time in a long time, I stumble.” --> Why? If she’s so well-trained and so eager to fight, then why would she have any trouble with one guy and his knife?
“One of the younger men from my father’s group crashes into the clearing. The sound momentarily distracts me from the infected in front of me.” --> The order of this is backwards. If the sound distracts her, then that means she HEARS this guy first before she sees or knows who he is. That means, the order of the action should be something like, “A bush rattles behind me; bootsteps thump. I flinch, twisting back as one of my father’s men crashing into the fray.”
“No one moves to help him”--> Who is this “him” referring to?
“Four against one is not a fair fight.” --> Again, neither is what she and her father’s men are doing. They’ve ambushed these people in the woods with the intent to slaughter—that’s not “fair” at all.
“The infected grabs me again, and I manage to pull back and down so he misses my throat,”--> What is does he miss her throat with? Is he using his knife? His teeth? Set that up here rather then in the next phrase.
“It happens so fast that at first it doesn’t feel like anything. Then the stinging starts.” --> If she’s that well-trained and that amped up on adrenaline, then she probably won’t notice a simple cut. I mean, even in a normal situation, the pain wouldn’t be THAT intense from a cut on the cheek.
“I thrust myself forward, swinging my sword wide. I can’t reach his neck, so I settle for a sharp jab forward.--> You use “forward” twice in this sentence. Watch out for echoes.
“As I pull my sword out of his stomach, he leans forward clutching his middle, and I move quickly slicing off his head.”--> Is he bleeding from his stomach? What does that look like? And how does slicing off his head feel? This is one of those moments where you want to slow time down and really give us every nanosecond of what’s happening. For example (and this is JUST an example—clearly it’s in *my* voice and not yours), “I yank out my sword. Blood sprays across my arms, across *his* arms. His entrails slide out with the katana, and he grabs at his middle, frantic. His eyes lock on mine. They hold nothing but shock. His mouth bounces open, a scream clearly writhing up his throat—but my katana hits that throat. I slice off his cry, and I slice off his head.”
“The sound of my blood rushing through my ears fades,”--> Whose blood? Hers? What about the guy she just killed? What is her emotional reaction to having just murdered this guy?
“And around me I hear the shouts of the men”--> Watch out for filter words. You don’t need the “I hear”.
“the sounds of guns rushing forward.”--> I’m not sure I follow this. How do guns sound? And how do they rush forward?
“The man who stumbled in the clearing is close to being overwhelmed. He is carrying a pump action shotgun and no knives or sword.” --> You need to show he’s carrying the shotgun as soon as he stumbles in. Also, why did he not use the gun the instant he walked into the clearing?
“I pull my knife out of the sheath on my thigh and swing it forward,” --> Is this a different knife than she had earlier in the scene? If so, specify that.
ReplyDelete“hitting the infected who has him just below the base of the skull.”--> Base of his skull on the back of his neck? Beneath his ear? Where at the base of his skull? And does she leave the knife in the guy?
“while I reach for my other knife”--> What other knife and where is she reaching to grab it from?
“Dennis rushes forward, grabbing me.” --> Who is Dennis? What does he look like?
“He puts me in the truck”--> What truck? And where is it? What sort of truck?
“The fear of infection makes my hands shake.”--> Why would she be infected and how? I thought the guy just hit her with a knife? You need to let the reader know what the Infected are so we know exactly what’s at stake in this scene.
“The adrenaline should be leaving me now that the fight is over,” --> Adrenaline could stay pumping through her for a while still, so I wouldn’t think it’d be gone this quickly. Also, when did the fight end? I thought she was just pulling out her knife to do some damage…no?
“The ceremony takes some time.”--> Don’t tell me this, but show me this. I need to SEE what the cleaning-up looks like, what the ceremony looks like, and exactly how much time passes. If you DON’T want to show me this, then just make the ceremony almost immediately interrupted by the wolves. Still, you’ve got to show me something so I can actually imagine what’s going on here.
“Tears aren’t worth the anger he will direct at me if he sees them.”--> Again, don’t tell me this, but show me this. What exactly does his anger look like? A punch in the face? Screams in front of all the other fighters?
“Suddenly it is silent.”--> What is “it”? There’s no antecedent there, so make sure to give me an actual noun here.
“The echoing sound pushes people forward.” --> The echoing sound of what?
“The men stop what they are doing and pick up their weapons.” -->I thought they were already frozen, so hadn’t they already stopped? And what is that they’re doing? This is another reason to SHOW me that burning/ceremony.
“My father runs towards us,”--> From where? Where was he all this time?
“Men are still in the clearing scrambling into the other truck.”--> He didn’t try to get some of his own soldiers into the truck? That seems pretty awful and irredeemable. What does Lexy think about that?
“I’m dizzy,”--> Why is she dizzy?
I think you write action really well, and you did a good job with the revision! Just a few thoughts:
ReplyDelete-I think Susan hit on something very important: there should be a reason to root for the MC. Why are these people infected? What are they infected with and why must they be killed. A quick explanation might make this story more engaging and the main character far more sympathetic (because, after all, she's killing these infected beings.)
-Also, after reading your replies, I understand that this is routine for the main character, which accounts for her lack of emotion. Try conveying that this is routine, but also try and include some of her thoughts and opinion. This will help the main character become more sympathetic. For example: what does she think about being used as bait?
-Who is Dennis? Where did he come from? Was he meant to drive the truck by in case the infected were too much for her to handle? And where was her father while she fought? Was he on the truck? Why was she fighting alone? These are important questions that pull me out of the story.
-I also think her father would be a lot more concerned that his daughter is hurt/possibly on the verge of being infected (hence the need for a booster shot).
That's all I have to say! Keep up the great work. :)
Hi Miriam,
ReplyDeleteYou've done a great job making this a little clearer, and I still absolutely love it. But if this scene is significant, in other words, if this contains the seeds of change that will grow to shape your story, your mc has to react to what is going on.
Most critically, we have to connect to her to be able to care about her. My favorite two sentences in this are these:
He screams, high pitched and wild as he writhes trying to break free, and avoid being bitten.
There's emotion in there! I feel it. I care!
But then:
I pull my knife out of the sheath on my thigh and swing it forward, hitting the infected who has him just below the base of the skull. The infected drops, and the man keeps screaming. As far as I can tell, he doesn’t have any injuries. Two more shots go off while I reach for my other knife and the two infected near him drop to the ground.
No one is this dispassionate. And I kind of hate her in that moment. The guy is scared. She's rushing to save him.
And doesn't she know these men? Make it personal. Make it meaningful. Make her care, or your reader won't be able to.
Dennis rushes forward, grabbing me. He puts me in the truck and pulls out a compress soaked in alcohol and presses it to my check.
See? I like Dennis better. Dennis has urgency.
And then this:
My eye begins to water. The fear of infection makes my hands shake. The adrenaline should be leaving me now that the fight is over, but it is still zinging through me.
YES! Finally. But not enough. Give me something human, humane, that i can hold on to and understand so I connect to her as a reader.
Finally, your soul references. You could kill two birds with the same emotional hit if you show us that earlier that she (and the others) have an awareness of who these men used to be, that they can't let themselves care who the men used to be, because those people are gone and there's nothing left now except for .... what is left? What is the real difference between the infected and the humans? Let us know and let us see it from her POV, show us how that POV is different from her fathers or the others, if it is. THen when they have to burn the bodies, we'll already understand and you'll have shown us and we'll be ready for it.
I also feel like you are galloping through this a bit fast. Slow down. You've got our time, so don't skip over things that are going to be important, or that feel important to the reader!
Great job!
My apologies for responding late!!! You've gotten great notes though. I agree that it's improved. But again - and I know it's tough - I need to connect more with your MC. As said above, be sure to really get in her head and react to what's going on. Has she done this before? Or is she trained to do it but this is her first time out? Or leading the attack? Maybe that's why the infected grabbing her throws her off? IDK just some thoughts. It's a really cool story so far. I want to know more, so good job!
ReplyDelete