Name: Cassie Frye
Genre: YA Contemporary/Paranormal Twists
Title: Fade
My name is not Meredith. That should have been the first clue.
“Meredith, time to get up,” my mother repeats. I imagine a hand firmly placed on her hip, her blue eyes staring me down. I moan, too tired to form any coherent response.
Then she yells, “I don’t have time for this!” and throws back the covers. My body shivers and moves into fetal position. Seriously? Taking away the covers is like the worst way to wake a person up. Maybe not, but I’m too tired to think of anything worse. With a loose arm, I try to reach for the lost blanket,. I feel nothing, and instead, find myself surrounded by a rush a light.
Yeah, it looks like I’m not going to get any more sleep. Mother is the ultimate alarm clock.
So I open my eyes, and my immediate thought is: This woman is not my mother.
Apparently, though, she doesn’t find my confused expression funny. “Looks like someone overslept,” she comments, brow raised. My eyes turn to the alarm clock. It’s 7:15 am. Since when does 7:15 count as oversleeping?
“It’s Saturday,” I mumble. At least I think it’s Saturday. And who is this woman? And why is she making me up at freaking 7:15? I look around, and my body jolts awake, as if it’s ingested a double shot of espresso. This isn’t my room. My mouth hangs open, as I inspect the mess before me. Clothes on the floor, most likely dirty, a bookshelf with books haphazardly placed, and papers sprawled across a nearby desk. Where am I?
“Meredith, are you okay?" I snap back into reality.
My name is Hana. Not Meredith. I try to piece together the events of last night—nothing. I spot an adjoining bathroom, and I rush towards it without a word, making sure to close the door behind me.
“What's going on, Meredith?” I would have corrected her this time, and demand she stop calling me ‘Meredith’, except the image before me leaves me breathless. I am no longer looking at a tall, slender 17-year-old, with blue eyes, and straight blond hair. That girl had confidence. That girl knew who she was and where she was headed. The girl before me is heavier, with frizzy brown hair and light brown eyes. Her skin is slightly tanned, with freckles splattered across her cheeks. Meredith.
For a few moments, I don’t believe what I’m seeing. But then I remind myself that this bathroom is unfamiliar, and the woman’s voice is unfamiliar. I have no idea when or how I got here, which scares me. I can’t help myself. I feel a pressure rise in my chest, and proceed to let my legs drop by the toilet. Without thought, vomit comes up and I hear the hurling noises fill the room.
“Honey, are you sick?” I dry heave a few times, before I can catch my breath. When I feel like the nausea spell is over, I wipe my lips and flush the toilet.
“I—I’m fine,” I breathe the lie. “Just a stomach bug.” But this is more than a simple stomach bug.
I can feel, and see, my body tremble. Perhaps this is a dream. My breathing slows at the thought. Dreams had a tendency to feel real. They also had a tendency to be a bit on the weird side. This has to be a dream. Pretty soon, I’ll wake up, image having to live the rest of my life in a different body, and laugh.
Only now I don’t feel like laughing. I feel a collection of tears brim and blur my vision. At least, this way, I can’t see my reflection properly and I can image it was just a fluke, a momentary lapse in sanity where my brain saw something that wasn’t true, something that wasn’t there. I then lift up a strand of hair and bring it in front of my face for inspection. It’s curly. And brown.
“Maybe you should get some rest," the woman suggests. That’s not a bad idea, I think. Especially after she woke me up at freaking 7:15.
“Yeah…maybe…” I'm too distracted to give her a better answer.
And then it hits me: if I’m here, where’s my body?
There’s a pause, a void that I fill by listening to my breath. In and Out, until the woman speaks again. Her voice is soft. Hesitant. “Okay, then. I’ll try and schedule an appointment with the doctor this afte—”
“NO!” I yell. “I mean, I—I don’t think it’ll be necessary.” The last thing I need is to be scrutinized by a know-it-all physician. How was I to explain that I'm not Meredith, and that this isn’t my body? I would probably be considered insane and carted off the to the nearest asylum for evaluation. And if there one thing I know, it’s that I’m quite sane (thank you very much).
Another pause, and honestly, I’m glad for the silence. The woman just says “okay”, and I hear her footsteps fade, grateful for a moment to recollect my thoughts.
One: I am not in my body.
Two: This is not my home.
Three: I need to find out what happened last night, and what happened to my body.
My stomach gives little twisty jolts. It’s crazy, I know. A part of me refuses to accept the first two facts, but how can I not when the evidence surrounds me? Something isn’t right. I need answers. I need to know what happened, and I need to know more about the life I so recently inhabited. I let out a breath and turn on the water. The sound of it running is soothing, before I gather the liquid in my cupped hands and splash it on my face. The water keeps running. I look up at the mirror once more, hoping to be mistaken, but the same brown-haired girl is looking back. No illusion. It feels strange, trapped in a body that isn’t mine.
And then I see it. I’m seeing double, another Meredith standing right beside me in the mirror. I blink, and look to my left, where she supposedly stands. No one. Maybe I’m seeing things.
“Hello, Hana."
My name. My real name. The voice comes from my right, and when I turn, she's there. Meredith. But I’m Meredith. Or at least, I’m in her body. I cast a wary glance at the mirror, to find both of us standing side by side. We’re identical, save for the pajamas I’m wearing and the yellow shirt and faded jeans she’s wearing. I blink, four times. A part of me is hoping she’ll disappear.
She doesn’t.
I open my eyes, and there she stands, her hand rubbing against her left arm and lips pulled tight. It’s then that I notice she’s an exact image of Meredith, but not…fully formed. As if she’s a projection of light. As if she’s a ghost.
In shock, I blurt out the first phrase that comes to mine. “Who are you?”
“Who am I?” She asks, offended. Yeah, it's not the smartest question I’ve ever asked, but don’t teachers tend to say there’s no such thing as a stupid question? I’m beginning to think that’s a lie.
First Five Pages Writing Workshop: Jump Start Your Novel and Career
Hi Cassie,
ReplyDeleteI think you're working on an interesting premise. You have a nice, easy to read style. I guess what I'd suggest is giving some consideration to the opening.
One of the things, according to the instructions, we were supposed to read for is the cliché. I've attached a link to a post by Nathan Bransford.
My impression, and I am by no stretch of the imagination an expert, is that agents will be turned off by the character waking up in the first scene.
http://blog.nathanbransford.com/2011/06/five-openings-to-avoid.html
It's probably an easy fix to have her bump into her new mom some other way.
The other concern I have about her waking up is the response to the mother. I would recognize my mother's voice just as sure as I would recognize her face. If I were dead asleep, and someone I didn't know called me to wake up using a different name, I would be very afraid, go into a panic even. I would not try and go back to sleep.
I love that Meridith and Hana actually talk to each other.
Good Luck,
k.d. atkins
THANK YOU for pointing this out. I read something like that a while back, and when I started writing this book, I completely forgot! I'll definitely try to see if I can find a good opening that doesn't involve my MC waking up (although it might not be possible, given the nature of the plot). But I think I have a plan, so here's the hoping that the second revision will be better! Thanks for your critique!
DeleteHi Cassie,
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence is intriguing, but then I got confused. Wouldn’t you know what your mother sounds like?
And for someone who finds a strange woman in their room, the MC is pretty calm. Saying “It’s Saturday” wouldn’t be the first thing out of my mouth. It almost seems like the MC is used to this sort of thing, waking up in someone else’s body. If this isn’t a normal thing, then I’d expect her to freak out more. Maybe jolt awake and look around and be freaking out, like ‘where am I?”
Maybe have her ignore the ‘mother’, thinking she’s someone else’s mom or something, and slowly start to wake up with the realization that things are different.
The bed wouldn’t feel like hers. The smell of the room wouldn’t be hers. The feel of her body- bigger, heavier, the pajamas she’s wearing, the blanket that isn’t hers. Then the strange woman calling her something that isn’t her name. Maybe she thinks she fell asleep in someone’s bed and the mother is mistaken at first. I’m not sure if the MC is a party person, but if she thinks she was drunk last night and ended up at ‘Meredith’s’ house, I can see that happening.
But when you sleep over someone’s house and you wake up, you just KNOW it’s not your house. It feels different.
Instead of asking who the ghost Meredith is, I think a more urgent question would be “What’s going on?!”
Very interesting idea though. I’ve never read a body switching type book before, but I’ve seen movies with them and always liked them.
You're the second person to mention the mother's voice, so that's going to have to change. I guess, in my mind, Hana was so sleepy and still coming out from her dream, that the strange voice didn't register. She merely ASSUMED it was her mother. Still, I see the poor logic in that, and will try to make it more believable in the next revision. Thank you for the critique!
DeleteHi Cassie,
ReplyDeleteI'd like to know what Hana did last night too, so I'd certainly read on. I think you set up the first five pages well. I got the MC's personality in the first few lines.
Couple of things...
Hana would know her mother's voice. Perhaps, Hana can be immersed in a disturbing dream, maybe having to do with last night. We could read the mom's words, but she doesn't hear them. Then once the blankets are pulled off, she could SEE that the woman is not her mother.
You probably have a reason for it, but why is she keeping this transformation to herself and not freaking out?
Also, when she sees herself in the mirror, she's mentions her looks and confidence, but assumes the girl staring back at her is somewhat lesser. Did you mean for it to read that way?
I've got to admit that this was tough to critique because I was wrapped up in what the heck could be happening. I like the premise.
Donna Sadd
And yet another comment about her mother's voice (I promise, that will be fixed! LOL!)
DeleteAs to why she isn't freaking out--a part of her still thinks the situation isn't real, and she doesn't want the embarrassment of having to admit that she's not Meredith. Maybe I could make that clearer/make her freak out a bit more? I'll keep that in mind.
Also, YES. I meant for Hana to think the image of Meredith is somehow "lesser". Glad you caught on to that!
Thank you for the critique. I'm very eager to get started on my revision! So happy you like the premise! :D
Hi! I agree that this is the wrong place to start. It isn't just the waking up though (and yes that is a cliche unfortunately). I want to get to know Hana a little before you throw her under the bus so to speak. :D I want to know why I should care about her even though it's a neat situation. I'm intrigued about the ghost like Meredith and what's happening. I'd certainly turn the page to find out!
ReplyDeleteI guess I'm somewhat torn, because I KNOW I want to be able to hook the reader, and this is usually done by introducing the main conflict. That's why I opened my book with this scene. Still, I totally understand what you mean! I'll try to develop Hana's character a bit more, and give more insight into how things were before the switch. Thanks for your input! So happy you're intrigued! :D
DeleteI know what you mean, but honestly most of what I hear from the industry lately is that they want to take time to connect first. You still have to put her at a moment of change or movement if you will, but maybe not the big one yet. Totally up to you though!! Just my thoughts.
DeleteCassie,
ReplyDeleteFirst, I totally want to keep turning pages. You've set up a great premise, and I'm definitely intrigued by what is going on in the story. You've laid some good characterization ground work.
I agree with the others about the women's voice, and also about needing to know Hana before she becomes Meredith. I think doing this will give us more reason to root for Hana, or maybe for Meredith. A little bit more background could really clear this up and make things easier to understand for the reader.
A few things that might make this stronger, would her body feel different to her? She's a bit heavier, and I'd think she'd notice it as she got up and pushed herself out of bed, or even when she reaches for the cover. Is she taller or shorter and would she notice that change as she pushes herself up? Would she glance at her arm before she makes it to the bathroom?
And also while I think waking up worked well for this scene, it is one of the things that the agents really warn you to steer clear of, so you may want to take that into consideration.
Great beginning, I'd definitely want to read on!
YAY! I'm happy that these pages have sparked your interest! Again, I'll work to provide more insight into Hana's life before he switch. I'll also try to avoid the blatant "wake up" opening.
DeleteAnd thanks for the suggestions, about how her body would feel different! You've given some good opportunity for description. :D
Hi Cassie,
ReplyDeleteYou've got a nice direct style and a good voice going here, so that's all to the good. It means you have the chops to write a solid book, and I hope that this one is going to be it for you. The body switch premise has been done enough that it is one of the issues keeping me from being more enthusiastic about that prospect right now, but I like the twist you are starting to incorporate at the very end that seems to show something alternative going on.
My main questions:
1) I'm not sure you are starting in the right spot. Waking has been done so often that agents and editors are especially jaded about it. (Readers are possibly less so, but that's because they don't seen but a fraction of the waking-up scenarios that cross an agent's desk!) Combined with the body-switch trope, I'm not sure that you are going to have five pages to get to the twist that you work in on that last page. Perhaps you might consider starting in the bathroom after she has already thrown up?
2) That would solve the next problem. The reader is going to be willing to swallow one big change from the ordinary right off the bat, in this case, if you give us just a little bit more on the premise twist, we will likely be willing to go with you and accept that your mc's body has been switched. We will likely be willing to read on to find out how and why. Provided that everything else that follows is perfectly logical. But you aren't fully logical in that first scene with her mother. Put yourself in her skin. She stretches, and Meredith's body is going to feel different. Meredith's sheets are going to smell different. Her room will smell different. The alarm will look different. The sheets are a different color, perhaps a different texture. Her mother's voice is going to sound different, and she will be using different language not just a different name.
If you want to go with this premise, and you have a twist on the trope, then show us that we can trust you to take us along on a unique ride, with a character we are going to care about. What is going to connect us to that character, make us care whether she has been taken out of her own life and pushed into someone else's?
That would be much easier to do if you were starting earlier, but that's up to you. YOU have to know what in your character's circumstances are going to show her good qualities and her flaws enough for us to want to root for her? Right now, we don't even know if she would want to get back to her own body. It's not enough to show us that something happened. It's critical to show us that it matters.
Again, I'm not questioning that you can write this. That's clear from your pages. And you do have something interesting going on here. It's just a question of putting yourself deeply into the right scene to start us off. :)
Looking forward to seeing what you'll do!
I really appreciate this detailed critique! It's given me a lot to think about, and I've been working out how to revise these pages. Thank you!
DeleteHi Cassie! I really love this opening, and I think you've got a niiiiice hook. I mean, waking up in a different person's body is definitely opens questions. I also love where you're going with the second, ghostly Meredith (uh, YIKES).
ReplyDeleteNow, a disclaimer: when I critique, I go overboard. Like, it can be terrifying to someone who isn't used to my critiquing style, so I apologize if this looks like a lot. It's really not--I just tend to point out every single thing I see...and then I tend to ramble when I'm explaining things.
That said, I think that there's a bit you can do to really make these pages snap. Mostly it boils down to 1) tightening and getting us right to the meat of the scene as quickly as possible, and 2) making sure the emotional reactions feel natural and appropriate.
So I know that someone else mentioned not to open with waking up, but I actually disagree. I think that opening with the wake-up is fine since this is essentially the point when everything changes--it's one heckuva call to action. BUT, I do think that from the instant Hana wakes up, she needs to get into that bathroom and talking to Meredith 2 as quickly as possible. I suggest cutting almost all of the dialogue with Mom and really trimming all of her interior thoughts.
And this leads to the emotional reactions. While I do love a good snark in my heroine, it just felt out of place here. I feel that--were I in Hana's shoes--I would FREAK OUT. I mean, mondo-lose-my-shit-freak-out. There would be swear words and panicking and shoving away from this woman-who-isn't-mom…and you get the point. I've tried to point out where I specifically found her reactions implausible.
Overall, though, I *really* like where this is going and I can't wait to see what happens next!
SPECIFIC COMMENTS:
"My name is not Meredith. That should have been the first clue.--> I love this opening line--it's got a lovely hook.
"Seriously? Taking away the covers is like the worst way to wake a person up. Maybe not, but I’m too tired to think of anything worse."--> Maybe condense this. I like seeing bits of her voice, but it gets to be a bit too much by the end of the pages.
"Yeah, it looks like I’m not going to get any more sleep. Mother is the ultimate alarm clock."--> Not sure you need this AND the previous snarky comments. Maybe pick one reaction or the other? I'd like to see the action/narrative continue with as much forward momentum as possible.
"So I open my eyes, and my immediate thought is: This woman is not my mother."--> Nice.
ReplyDelete"Apparently, though, she doesn’t find my confused expression funny. “Looks like someone overslept,” she comments, brow raised. My eyes turn to the alarm clock. It’s 7:15 am. Since when does 7:15 count as oversleeping?"--> I feel like this isn't the level of freak-out needed--especially with her snarky comment on 7:15. Honestly, if I was in this situation, my first reaction would be, "Who the f*** are you?!" followed by a rabid race out of bed toward the nearest safest place (the bathroom, I presume).
"“It’s Saturday,” I mumble. At least I think it’s Saturday. And who is this woman? And why is she making me up at freaking 7:15?"--> Again, not enough freak-out.
"Clothes on the floor, most likely dirty, a bookshelf with books haphazardly placed, and papers sprawled across a nearby desk. Where am I?"--> I feel like we need more setting right off the bat (rather than a page into the scene). Also, "where am I?" just doesn't feel forceful enough. I think something along the lines of "Oh god, oh god--where the *crap* am I?" is slightly more appropriate. Remember: FREAK OUT!
"My name is Hana. Not Meredith." --> I think this info also needs to be introduced ASAP.
"For a few moments, I don’t believe what I’m seeing. But then I remind myself that this bathroom is unfamiliar, and the woman’s voice is unfamiliar. I have no idea when or how I got here,"--> This is all great, and I'd like to see this almost as soon as the scene opens. Let's get straight into that bathroom and gaping at the mirror.
"which scares me. I can’t help myself. I feel a pressure rise in my chest, and proceed to let my legs drop by the toilet. Without thought, vomit comes up and I hear the hurling noises fill the room." --> I think you can make this stronger by focusing more on the rising nausea--the clench in her gut and spinning room… Also, I don't know why she says "I can't help myself" or "without thought". Her nausea is a visceral reaction, so the reader wouldn't expect any thought or restraint. Make sense?
"“I—I’m fine,” I breathe the lie. “Just a stomach bug.” But this is more than a simple stomach bug."--> I'm not sure she would lie. I actually feel like most people wouldn't try to hide their freakout. I realize that this might be a critical part of your story (that she continue to act as if she's Meredith), but I'm just not convinced she *would*. I honestly think the average person would WIG OUT and demand to know where she is, who this lady is, who the crap Meredith is, etc.
"I can feel, and see, my body tremble."--> Not sure you need the filter words. Maybe just "my body trembles" is enough.
"Perhaps this is a dream. My breathing slows at the thought. Dreams had a tendency to feel real. They also had a tendency to be a bit on the weird side. This has to be a dream. Pretty soon, I’ll wake up, image having to live the rest of my life in a different body, and laugh."--> I like this because it DOES feel like a natural reaction to me. Denial is the first stage of grief, right? ;)
"Only now I don’t feel like laughing."--> I don't think you need this line. Try to keep things as streamlined as possible.
"I feel a collection of tears brim and blur my vision."--> Watch out for filters. She can just say that tears are blurring her vision.
"That’s not a bad idea, I think. Especially after she woke me up at freaking 7:15."--> Again, the snark feels out of place here.
"I'm too distracted to give her a better answer."--> I'm not sure you need to tell the reader this--I think the reader can pick up on it just fine. :)
"And then it hits me: if I’m here, where’s my body?"--> I'm not sure she would think this. Honestly, I would be pretty consumed with just the fact that I'm not in my body--I'm not sure I would assume that my original body is lying around somewhere. I *might* think that this Meredith person is now inhabiting my body, though...
ReplyDelete"How was I to explain that I'm not Meredith, and that this isn’t my body? I would probably be considered insane and carted off the to the nearest asylum for evaluation. And if there one thing I know, it’s that I’m quite sane (thank you very much)."--> Again, the tone of this just feels too light/snarky for the insanity of the situation. I also think she actually WOULD suspect she's crazy. Honestly, I would think that right away--"Oh god, am I going *crazy*? Am I schizophrenic?"
"One: I am not in my body. Two: This is not my home. Three: I need to find out what happened last night, and what happened to my body."--> I'd like to see this analysis sooner (and I think if you condense/trim the first page, you'll get here sooner). That said, with regards to #3, why does she assume something happened last night? It just felt weird to me--as if she somehow knew the night before had held a strange event that led to this. I think something more like "what happened during the night" or "during my sleep" might feel more natural. Does that make sense? I mean, I assume she went to sleep as Hana and then awoke as Meredith, no?
"My stomach gives little twisty jolts. It’s crazy, I know. A part of me refuses to accept the first two facts, but how can I not when the evidence surrounds me? Something isn’t right. I need answers. I need to know what happened, and I need to know more about the life I so recently inhabited." --> I don't think you need this. You're just recapping what I think the reader already intuitively knows and has seen.
"And then I see it. I’m seeing double, another Meredith standing right beside me in the mirror. I blink, and look to my left, where she supposedly stands. No one. Maybe I’m seeing things."--> OHHH. SNAP.
"Yeah, it's not the smartest question I’ve ever asked, but don’t teachers tend to say there’s no such thing as a stupid question? I’m beginning to think that’s a lie." --> I love the snark, but it just doesn't fit in a scene like this. This would be SO intense, and I don't think there'd be any space in her brain for sarcasm, you know?
WOW, Susan. You are awesome. In regards to her body, I guess I wrote it that way, because of what happens later on. *grin* But Hana, and any other person, wouldn't automatically think about their body.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Susan. I can't wait to revise!