Monday, July 8, 2013

1st 5 Pages July Workshop - Ellie

Name: Ellie
Genre: Young Adult Fantasy
Title: Northern

Taking in a deep breath, Liko crouched and slowly made her way towards the edge of the ceiling
beam before peaking over the side. She was over Imperio Catherine’s briefing room. Three figures stood below her; Catherine, explaining a task to her brother, Nayeeshi and Tarin, her brother’s friend.

There were three doors in the room, the main door, the one strictly for the Imperio's guards and a side exit only for the Imperio herself. The building was a huge mansion made of marble with heavy oak doors carved with locking runes. Only the moon goddesses knew why Imperio Catherine chose to have beads hanging in her doorways instead of rune locking oak. The beads made small tunes whenever they clinked together, making Liko’s nerves tense.

Maybe that was why she chose to have them. Liko mused.

The Imperio was standing in front of her desk. All Liko could see of her was her black short hair and her silk robes billowing around her. Papers and ink pots were strewn over the surface of the oak desk. A coffee press sat next to an oversized mug, still steaming. The smell encompassed the room; a nutty, chocolaty aroma, with a hint of hazelnut. The Imperio lived off the black liquid, and Liko had inherited the addiction.

Nayeeshi stood stone straight, the only thing that ruined his perfect appearance was the mop of black hair he refused to let anyone touch. Tarin on the other hand, made looking like he rolled out of bed a form of art. His orangey hair was mussed up, and his uniform jacket was unzipped.

“Nayeeshi, you’ll be going alone on this one.” Imperio Catherine said.

Liko’s eyes shot to Tarin as he stepped forward. “Alone? But we’re-“

Catherine waved him off with a delicate hand. “Tarin. I know you two are attached at the hip, but you need to cut the cord and train the new recruits.”

Liko held back a laugh at Nayeeshi and Tarin’s indignant look. Perfect. She thought. It would be much easier to steal a solo mission.

Catherine pulled a scroll out of her sleeve and held it out, revealing an inked map with a red marking, indicating where Nayeeshi needed to go. “This is where it is. The cavern isn’t very deep so it won’t be troublesome to navigate.”

Liko squinted down at the map. After she was certain she got a good long look, she closed her eyes and recalled the image. She looked back at the map to double check her memory and smiled when it was a perfect recall, as usual.

“You’re to retrieve a gem that’s been hidden in a cavern in the north. It’s in Hunter territory, but they haven’t had any guards to prevent suspicion.” Catherine’s voice was soft and low. She never had to raise her voice to get attention. Liko envied how just the Imperio’s presence consumed a room.

“I’m guessing this information is from our ace resource?” Nayeeshi asked in his monotone voice. Catherine nodded.

Their ace resource was a spy that infiltrated the Hunter’s base to be an undercover agent. No one but Catherine and the other Imperios knew his identity.

Having heard enough, Liko shimmied her way backwards on the beam. When she got to the end, she pulled herself up onto the beam above her and crawled through the open vent leading to the back of the building's second floor. Making sure there were no guards patrolling, she let herself drop and roll into the courtyard.

Butterflies fluttered in her stomach, a mixture of nervousness and rushing excitement sent tingles over her skin. She was doing this, she was taking Nayeeshi’s mission.

It wasn’t anything against him. She was grateful that Nayeeshi and Tarin took the time to train her on their own. But she wanted more than just a backyard training session and self-taught throwing techniques. She wanted to be a part of the village’s training class, learning to fight and protect the village if the Regia and their Hunter dogs finally broke through their barriers. The only thing stopping her was Imperio Catherine, who didn’t believe Liko was ready for training.

Liko stepped outside, blinking against the harsh light. Even with the sun at its highest, the Polaris star was still visible. It made Liko smile. The Polaris was her favorite, a constant reminder of the past and to be brave for the future.

She doubled checked her pockets and pouches to make sure she was prepared, then felt her shirt for her whistle; the most important thing. Without her whistle-key, she’d never be able to get back into the city. It was engraved with specific runes, allowing her to go through the barrier that protected them. It also called the volcuris; the huge flying creatures that would definitely catch too much attention on the outside. “This will be a good day.” She declared.

“And why is that?”

Liko squeaked and spun. “Tarin,” she breathed. “By the moons, you scared the life out of me!”

Tarin chuckled, his green eyes glimmering. He was leaning against the side of the building. “Guilty about something?”

Liko frowned and crossed her arms. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Shouldn’t you be off with Nayeeshi or something?” His face fell, and Liko wondered if he just stormed out of Catherine’s briefing.

Tarin looked her over before shrugging, pulling his expression up to normal. “He has stuff to do.” He moved off the wall with languid grace Liko couldn’t help but admire, his hair falling over his forehead.

Seeing an opening, Liko smirked. “Got a mission without you, huh?”

Tarin narrowed his eyes. “Sneaking around where you’re not supposed to be, huh?”

Caught. She should have known better. Nayeeshi probably noticed her too. Tarin always seemed to know her better than she knew herself sometimes. The thought made her cheeks heat up. “You know it’s not fair. The Imperio promised my training forever ago.”

“Well sneaking around during briefings won’t take your mind off it.” He placed a hand on her head and her stomach flipped. His hand was warm; his fingers long and elegant, and those eyes-

Liko scrunched up her face and pushed his hand away. “I know that.” She hadn’t snuck in just to eavesdrop.

Tarin’s lip twitched up on one side, forming a dimple. He scratched at the beauty mark under his left eye. “How ‘bout I give you a training session later? We could work on your hand to hand combat first. You still suck at getting out of holds.”

“Gee, thanks. I’m glad I have so many things I need to work on.”

“If you were too good, I wouldn’t have an excuse to spend time with you.”

Liko blushed and turned her face away so he couldn’t see. He knew exactly what to say to make her heart go on a rampage in her guts.

He saved her from word vomiting all over his oversized jacket, by skipping over her turn in the conversation. “After I train the newbies, we can meet up in the training hall. Sound good?”

“Sounds good.” Liko managed with a forced smile, feeling guilty that she wouldn’t be there.

He smiled back, but it didn’t seem to reach his eyes, he had something else on his mind. “Good.”

“You worried about him?” Liko guessed. Tarin and Nayeeshi were practically inseparable since they were young; even before Tarin’s parents died and he moved into the main building.

17 comments:

  1. Hi Ellie,
    This is a strong start. However, I do think it could be better (That's the whole reason we're doing this right ;0).

    In the first couple of paragraphs, could you add in some visceral information to let us know how Liko feels about what she is doing? Is she scared? mad?
    I'm a little thrown by her inheriting the coffee/drink addiction. Are she and Catherine related?
    Why are both boys there for the briefing when only one is going? To me, that doesn't make sense.

    There are a few instances where I am thrown off by your word selection. More than any other, its this point that would stop me from reading your work further. Here are a few examples:
    1. cut the cord between friends - to me that's parent child.
    2. troublesome to navigate - I much prefer hard or difficult, even challenging
    3. when it was a perfect recall - more accurately when she had perfectly recalled the image
    4. They haven't had any guards to prevent suspicion - or they haven't put guards in place because they aren't suspicious.
    5. The boys have been teaching her but she's self-taught.

    Another concern I have is the way she discloses she was in the room. She wasn't caught as much as she let him know she was there. Announcing what she did is not stealth.

    Do you think perhaps you're trying to drop in too many details too quickly? Just a thought.

    Good luck.
    k.d. atkins

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    1. Thanks for the notes! You bring up some really good points I hasn't noticed.
      At first for the perfect recall, I wanted to use the term photographic memory. But someone had pointed out that there are no cameras in my world, so that wouldn't make sense. I'll have to figure out some other type of term to make this clear. (yay more research! :P)

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  2. Hi Ellie,

    I thought you did a nice job with this. We got the setting and characters immediately.

    You have begun painting the makings of an interesting new world, with a different sky, a protected city and mysterious flying creatures, and a dangerous mission to steal a gem from, what seems to be, an enemy territory.

    Why are they stealing the gem?

    Is Hunter territory, the Regia's with their Hunter dogs or another group? I wasn't sure.

    The romantic tension between Liko and Tarin is intriguing.

    I get that Liko is going out on her own mission/adventure to prove something, and I'm curious to go with her. The only question I could pose is why does the Imperio think that Liko is not ready for training? Is she headstrong, impulsive? Did she make a bad mistake?

    This fledgling would keep on reading.

    Donna Sadd

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    1. Hi Donna,
      Good questions! I didn't want to bombard the reader with all kinds of info dumps in the first pages, but, you're right, I do need to elaborate a bit more on those things. :)
      Thanks!!

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  3. I was hooked.

    I think this is the beginning of a very interesting and unique story--a story that, I assume, is inspired by some Asian culture.

    One thing that I can't understand, though, is why would Liko want to steal this mission. Just to prove something? The fact that she's planning to do this made the romantic tension between her and Tarin unexpected. It almost came out of nowhere, because I expected there to be more of a rivalry. Maybe you could describe Tarin while Liko is on the roof? Maybe give some hint to her attraction?

    Also, I'm curious as to who this ace resource is. I can only imagine he or she will play an important role in the story.

    On a side note, though, perhaps you could consider rewording "ace resource". It sounds a little too modern for this setting.

    And that's honestly all I have to say, because I really enjoyed this! Well done!

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    1. Hi Cassie!
      Haha, The culture thing is kind of funny. I have a CP from India and she says she sees Indian culture too. I call it a mutt. It has a little bit of everything here and there (kinda like me :P) Good point with the 'ace resourse' thing. I've had people tell me I sometimes slip into mordern terms that take them out of the story so I really have to find and fix them all.
      Thanks for the notes!

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  4. First, I really enjoyed this beginning. You've set up an intriguing world. You already have some good characterizations, and I like the small details. I liked the romantic tension between Liko and Tarrin.

    One thing that would draw me out is some of the details or phrases seemed too modern for the setting that I pictured. Perfect recall, word vomiting. While these make a good point, they did pull me out of the story a bit.

    I would like to know a bit more about the world. I also wondered a lot about Imperios and the set up for how the society runs. (I don't think you can do this all in the first five pages--you've definitely sparked my curiosity.) I do think that the relationship between Imperio Catherine and Liko needs to be a bit more established--Is Liko resentful? And why isn't she ready?

    I'd like to know just how much she is risking by going out on her own--not just by leaving the city, but also her place and chance to get training.

    I'd definitely keep reading this. You've got a good beginning!

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    1. oooh! The Modern terms thing again. Haha I really need to work on those! Just have to find different terms to use somehow.
      Thanks for the comments and for the notes! :)

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  5. Great start! I think your MC is great, though I wonder at her age. She feels a little young. But, I don't really get into it or feel connected with her until she makes her intentions known and we start to hear her internal dialogue. I like the situation you put her in, but I want to bond with her first and foremost.

    That's really the big thing here! One little thing that stuck out that's worth mentioning at this point is the use of the word "suck". It's such a great new world, but that's such a current term. :D Same with the star. Just thoughts that pulled me out a little.

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    1. Oh good catch with 'suck'! lol All the modern-ish terms are getting pointed out so this is really helping. I'll try and push up her internal thoughts so you get into her head more quickly
      Thanks! :)

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  6. Hi Ellie,

    This is a unique and intriguing world, and it already feels as though it's very complete and clear in your mind. I like your MC. She's got gumption and a mission, and I can already see a well-defined story question and several sources of strong conflict. That's a BUNDLE to have set up in one well-crafted scene. I definitely think you are starting in the right place, and I like the way that this is moving.

    I would like to see you slow down a little bit and show us greater detail about your characters, the action, and especially about your MC.

    For example:

    1) At the very beginning, the action isn't clear. Is she crouching on the ceiling beam? How high up is she? How did she get there? Is there a risk of being seen? Ditto as she leaves. You just zap her outside. It would be so much more tense for us to know if she is afraid of falling, afraid of getting caught. Let us feel the material of the beam beneath her fingers, let us see the room from HER bird's eye view. Really get in closer with a deep POV. I think that would really make this pop.

    2) A couple of places/concepts pulled me out of the story. The term "Imperio" is great, but it seems to imply dominion over a larger entity than a village. Names in fantasies have to adhere to a fairly strict logic, and the root of Imperio is too clearly suggestive of words your readers will know, imperial, for example, and empire/emperor. As a result, I pictured a society somewhat based on Roman structure, and the Hunters played into that with a kind of Gaulish feel. The word village consequently jarred me and stopped me from reading further while I puzzled through all of the above. This might be as simple a fix as calling it a settlement or a fort or something different.

    3) Along the same lines, Catherine doesn't seem to go with the other names.

    4) The above aside, you have a nice historical feel to the fantasy elements, and yet you are giving us a modern twist to the language. This is lovely, and I have heard agents and editors specifically say, recently, that they are looking for historicals with a modern feel. So that's great. But be very mindful of keeping a balance between a modern feel and overly "now" word-use. Especially with fantasties, you are potentially writing something that could be read by someone two or more generations down the road. Are they going to get pulled out of the story by the word "suck?" Is a teen reading it now going to feel like you are trying too hard to make it current?

    That's really all I have. Slow it down a bit. Burrow a little deeper into Liko's skin. Make us feel what she feels. We're hooked. Now reel us in! :)

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    1. Ah Thanks so much! I think the hardest part with fantasy is coming up with term/ words for things. :P
      Someone had said to use something like 'govenor' or something, but that just makes me think of The Walking Dead. And then I would imagining them saying 'G'vnur' in the weird way they say it on the show.
      I'll definitely have to do more work on the vocab and add more detail. I think I was so scared of having it be too slow.
      Thanks again for the comments! Can't wait to pull these pages aprt and make them awesome! (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ

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  7. Hi Ellie! I really enjoyed these first pages--thank you so much for sharing. :D I think you've got a really cool world here--Imperios?! Regia and Hunter dogs? Super intriguing. Plus, I love heroines with grit, and I can tell Liko has it!

    First off, a disclaimer: when I critique, I dig in hardcore. Like, it can be overwhelming to someone who isn't used to my style, so I apologize if this seems like a lot. It's really not--I just tend to point out every single freakin' thing I see that can be tweaked…and then I tend to ramble when I'm explaining it.

    So my biggest issue at this point is on a voice/POV level. I just think I'm not sinking deeply enough into Liko's head. YA is typified by very deep POV, and I need more visceral reactions and emotional/thought reactions. BUT, I think you're pretty close to having the right amount of depth and voice--it's just not *quite* there. I tried to make note of specific areas I thought felt dry or could use a bit more POV-oomph.

    I also think there's a bit too much telling and not enough showing (and more showing will help with the POV/voice). I pointed out areas where you told me emotions or backstory rather than showing them, and I tried to offer suggestions on how to tweak that. :)

    My next biggest concern is really not major but will require you to rearrange things just a bit. Basically I think you need to present information in a more "logical" order. This is mostly with regards to the setting, Loki's goal, and who characters are. I'd like to see the setting and Loki's goal pretty much from the word go. Again, take a look at my comments below to see what I mean.

    All in all, I think you've got a really compelling start here, and I don't think you'll need to do *that* much to get it to the next level. :)

    SPECIFIC COMMENTS:

    "Taking in a deep breath, Liko crouched and slowly made her way towards the edge of the ceiling beam before peaking over the side."--> Is she upside down? On a ceiling beam? On a ledge? I'm having trouble visualizing this, so can you try to ground the reader a bit more in the setting? Also, just a grammatical note: when you have an -ing clause, it means that the clause is occurring *at the same time* as the rest of the sentence. That means she's taking a deep breath the entire time she crouches AND slowly makes her way to the edge. Since I kind of doubt you mean for her to be doing that ;), can you restructure this sentence just a bit? Maybe something like, "…Liko crouched before slowly making her way…"

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  8. Finally, still focused on that same phrase, can you give me a stronger verb--something that SHOWS me how she makes her way. Maybe she scuttles? Maybe she claws? Maybe she glides…? Each verb would show me a something different about how the scene unfolds and also about what sort of grace/skill Liko has. Does that make sense?

    "She was over Imperio Catherine’s briefing room."-->which looks like what?

    "Three figures stood below her;"--> by "her", I assume you mean Liko? Maybe use Liko's name here to avoid confusion with Catherine

    "Catherine, explaining a task to her brother, Nayeeshi and Tarin, her brother’s friend."--> I suggest avoiding so many names to start. You want to introduce new names in "bite size pieces". Maybe just say that Catherine is speaking to two boys? Also, the "her" here would be referring to Catherine. Is Nayeeshi Catherine's brother or Liko's?

    "There were three doors in the room, the main door, the one strictly for the Imperio's guards and a side exit only for the Imperio herself. The building was a huge mansion made of marble with heavy oak doors carved with locking runes. Only the moon goddesses knew why Imperio Catherine chose to have beads hanging in her doorways instead of rune locking oak."--> I feel like this setting description should come sooner--right off the bat, actually, to ground the reader properly in the scene. :)

    "The beads made small tunes whenever they clinked together, making Liko’s nerves tense."--> Can you show me this instead of telling me? Maybe the beads can rattle and Liko's skin crawls? It would just be more impactful if you could SHOW me the beads clicking and SHOW me what "tense nerves" actually feel/do to Liko. Does that make sense?

    "The Imperio was standing in front of her desk. All Liko could see of her was her black short hair and her silk robes billowing around her. Papers and ink pots were strewn over the surface of the oak desk. A coffee press sat next to an oversized mug, still steaming. The smell encompassed the room; a nutty, chocolaty aroma, with a hint of hazelnut."--> Again, I would like to see these sorts of sensory/setting details as soon as the scene opens.

    "The Imperio lived off the black liquid, and Liko had inherited the addiction."-->So is Liko related to Catherine?

    "“Nayeeshi, you’ll be going alone on this one.” Imperio Catherine said."--> Alone on what? I'd like to have a clearer idea of what's going on in this scene.

    "Liko held back a laugh at Nayeeshi and Tarin’s indignant look. Perfect. She thought. It would be much easier to steal a solo mission."-->What does this mean exactly? What sort of mission? Why is solo easier and why does Liko want to steal it? I don't need to know all this right away, but if this is her GOAL--to "steal a mission"--then I need to be introduced to it immediately. In order to get a reader hooked, you need to show them WHY Liko's story matters--i.e. why they should care about her. The best way to make a reader *care* is to offer Liko's goal right away. We can understand goals and then we want to see how they turn out--if she achieves them or not.

    "Catherine pulled a scroll out of her sleeve and held it out,"--> Just a random thought, but why is it in her sleeve? Isn't this her office? So…wouldn't she have, like, somewhere more useful to stow it away? Again, just a random thought. :)

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  9. “You’re to retrieve a gem that’s been hidden in a cavern in the north. It’s in Hunter territory, but they haven’t had any guards to prevent suspicion.”-->I'd like this to be introduced right off the bat--once we realize there's some sort of "mission", I'd like to see what that mission is. I think it's important to ground the reader in this world as quickly as possible. I'd also like to know more about what this gem is and why they need it.

    "Catherine’s voice was soft and low. She never had to raise her voice to get attention. Liko envied how just the Imperio’s presence consumed a room."--> Rather than tell me this info, can you show it to me? For example, she could speak soft and low and we see how rapt the boys are. Then later, Loki attempts the same thing…and maybe fails. ;)

    "Nayeeshi asked in his monotone voice."--> Is his voice always monotone or is "his monotone voice" a special version of his voice?

    "Their ace resource was a spy that infiltrated the Hunter’s base to be an undercover agent. No one but Catherine and the other Imperios knew his identity."-->Again, I'd rather you didn't tell me this information but weave it into the narrative. You can show me this same info later, when it would feel natural for it to come up in dialogue. Or you could simply have Loki think something (thereby giving us deep POV) about it--like, "Ace resource, ace resource--that double agent at the Hunter's base was all Nayeeshi ever wanted to talk about it." Okay, obviously you can do better, by maybe you see what I mean?

    "Butterflies fluttered in her stomach, a mixture of nervousness and rushing excitement sent tingles over her skin."--> I'd like to see something more visceral here. Rather than use common descriptors--"butterflies in the stomach"--and straight up *tell* me about the nervousness/excitement, can you show me something physical? Like a cramping stomach or dry mouth? Maybe she trips while she's dropping into the courtyard because her excitement gets the better of her. Does that make sense?

    "It wasn’t anything against him. She was grateful that Nayeeshi and Tarin took the time to train her on their own. But she wanted more than just a backyard training session and self-taught throwing techniques. She wanted to be a part of the village’s training class, learning to fight and protect the village if the Regia and their Hunter dogs finally broke through their barriers. The only thing stopping her was Imperio Catherine, who didn’t believe Liko was ready for training."--> AH! And here we see a lot of Liko's goals and purpose. I'd like to get hints of this sooner so that we understand why she's on the ceiling to begin with.

    "The Polaris was her favorite, a constant reminder of the past and to be brave for the future."--> Why does it remind her of this?

    "then felt her shirt for her whistle; the most important thing. Without her whistle-key, she’d never be able to get back into the city. It was engraved with specific runes, allowing her to go through the barrier that protected them. It also called the volcuris; the huge flying creatures that would definitely catch too much attention on the outside."-->I'm not really sure I follow this. Is the volcuris good or bad…? And…yeah. Maybe you can try to weave all of this info a bit more into the narrative. (Sorry if I'm slow!)

    "Liko wondered if he just stormed out of Catherine’s briefing."--> Why would he have stormed out? Because he couldn't go with Nayeeshi? If so, I'd like to have seen more of his anger in Catherine's room.

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  10. “Gee, thanks. I’m glad I have so many things I need to work on.”--> I kind of feel everything between the previous part and here could be significantly tightened so we can quickly get to the meat of this exchange. I mean, doesn't she want to go off on her solo mission? So wouldn't her #1 priority right now be to get out of this conversation and complete her initial goal? Or am I misunderstanding all of this…?

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  11. (⊙△⊙) Omigosh such great advice! It's amazing how many things I missed and overlooked, especially with the blasted Telling instead of showing :P
    I'm so stocked to rip these pages apart and make them better!

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