Name: Ellie
Genre: Young Adult Fantasy
Title: Northern
Liko took in a deep breath and slowly smoothed her way over the ceiling beam she was laying on. The wood was like silk under her fingertips, slippery enough to slide right off and fall two stories to the unfriendly marble floor below. Liko swallowed her fear and peeked over the side of the beam. If she was going to steal a mission, she wouldn’t let something as simple as a dangerous drop stop her.
Papers and pots of ink were strewn over the surface of the oak desk in the center of the room. A coffee press sat next to an oversized mug, still steaming. The smell encompassed the room; a nutty, chocolaty aroma, with a hint of hazelnut. The Imperio lived off that stuff.
There were three doors in Imperio Catherine’s briefing room, the main door, the one strictly for the Imperio's guards and a side exit only for the Imperio herself. The building was a huge mansion made of marble with heavy oak doors carved with locking runes. Only the moon goddesses knew why Imperio Catherine chose to have beads hanging in her doorways instead of rune locking oak. The beads clinked together; sending small tunes throughout the room that made Liko’s skin shiver.
Three figures stood below Liko; Catherine, and the two boys she was briefing.
Catherin was standing in front of her desk. All Liko could see of her was her black short hair and her silk robes billowing around her. Nayeeshi stood stone straight in front of Catherine; the only thing that ruined his perfectly ironed appearance was the mop of black hair he refused to let anyone touch. Tarin stood next to him, a striking contrast to Nayeeshi. He made looking like he rolled out of bed a form of art. His orangey hair was mussed up, and his uniform jacket was unzipped.
“Nayeeshi, you’ll be going alone on this mission.” Catherine said.
Liko’s eyes shot to Tarin as he stepped forward. “Alone? But we’re-“
Catherine waved him off with a delicate hand. “Tarin. I know you two are attached at the hip, but you need to cut the cord and train the new recruits.”
Liko held back a laugh at Nayeeshi and Tarin’s indignant look. Perfect. She thought. It would be much easier to steal a solo mission. Less danger and less of a chance of getting caught.
It wasn’t anything against them. She was grateful that Nayeeshi and Tarin took the time to train her on their own. But she wanted more than just a backyard training session. She wanted to be a part of the village’s training class, learning to fight and protect the village if the Regia and their Hunter dogs finally broke through their barriers. The only thing stopping her was Imperio Catherine; she thought Liko was better suited for scholarly scriptures and memorizing ledgers.
Catherine pushed some papers around her desk, almost knocking over a quill holder before pulling out a small parchment. She brushed it off with the back of her hand, revealing an inked map with a red marking. “You’re to retrieve a gem that’s been hidden in a cavern to the North.” Catherine’s voice was soft and low. Liko leaned farther over the beam to hear. “It’s in Hunter territory, but supposedly unguarded. The cavern isn’t very deep so it won’t be difficult to navigate.”
Liko squinted down at the map. After she was certain she got a good look, she closed her eyes and recalled the image. She looked back at the map to double check her memory and smiled when it was perfect.
“Why do we need this gem anyway?” Tarin asked, scrutinizing the map.
Catherine released a heavy sigh. “Honestly, Tarin, you have no patience.” She handed the map to Nayeeshi. “It’s one of a pair that is originally ours, but was taken. We’re just getting them back.”
“I’m guessing this information is from our ace informant?” Nayeeshi asked in his usual monotone voice. When Catherine nodded, both the boys instantly seemed more interesting.
Liko rolled her eyes. They acted like being a spy in the Hunter’s city was a gift from the moon goddesses or something. Spying wasn’t hard. She was doing it right now.
Seeing that the briefing was close to its end, Liko shimmied her way backwards on the beam. When she got to the end, she pulled herself up onto the beam above her and crawled through the open vent leading to the back of the building's second floor. She’d found this crevice when she was eleven and Catherine told her she wasn’t ready to be trained. Liko had snuck into her office to find out who she thought was ready.
Making sure there was no one around, Liko let herself drop and roll into the courtyard. Her stomach was like river rapids breaking, her fingers flicked. She was doing this; she was taking Nayeeshi’s mission. Her body thrummed with the thought.
She doubled checked her pockets and pouches to make sure she was prepared, then felt her shirt for her whistle; the most important thing. Without her whistle-key, she’d never be able to get back into the city. It was engraved with runes that allowed her to go through the barrier that protected them. “This will be a good day.”
“And why is that?”
Liko squeaked and spun. “Tarin,” she breathed. “By the moons, you scared the life out of me!”
Tarin chuckled, his green eyes glimmering. He was leaning against the side of the building. “Guilty about something?”
Liko frowned and crossed her arms. “Shouldn’t you be off with Nayeeshi or something?” Wasn’t he just inside? If he’s out, that means Nayeeshi should be out as well. Liko shifted form one foot to the other.
His face fell and he looked her over before shrugging, pulling his expression up to normal. “He’s getting more information.” He moved off the wall with languid grace Liko couldn’t help but admire, his hair falling over his forehead.
“Got a mission without you?” The thought of Catherine needing to give Nayeeshi more information made Liko’s fingers flick. What more could he need to know about retrieving a simple rock?
Tarin narrowed his eyes. “Sneaking around where you’re not supposed to be, huh?”
Caught. She should have known better. Nayeeshi probably noticed her too. Tarin always seemed to know her better than she knew herself sometimes. The thought made her cheeks heat up. Instead of admitting anything, Liko just shrugged.
“You know sneaking around during briefings won’t take your mind off it.” He placed a hand on her head and her stomach flipped. His hand was warm; his fingers long and elegant, and those eyes-
Liko scrunched up her face and pushed his hand away. “I know that.” She hadn’t snuck in just to eavesdrop. She was just about to make an excuse to leave, when she say his face. Looking at the Imperio’s building like it was a ship sailing off with his love. “You worried about Nayeeshi?”
Tarin blinked, taken back. “’Course not. He can take care of himself.”
“I know.” Liko said, seeing Tarin’s shoulders relax a bit. “He’ll be back before dinner time.”
Tarin’s lip twitched up on one side, forming a dimple. He scratched at the beauty mark under his left eye. “How about I give you a training session later? We could work on your hand to hand combat first, and you still need to work on getting out of holds.”
“I’m glad I have so many things I need to work on.” Liko didn’t bother trying to hide the sarcasm in her tone. He was too distracting. She needed as much of a head start on Nayeeshi as possible. Her fingers twitched again.
“If you were too good, I wouldn’t have an excuse to spend time with you.”
Liko turned her face away so he couldn’t see her blush. He knew exactly what to say to make her heart go on a rampage in her guts. But now was not the time for this.
“After I train the novices, we can meet up in the training hall. Sound good?”
Liko managed to force a smile. She had to get rid of him before Nayeeshi finished his briefing. “Sounds good.”
He smiled back. “Alright.” He mussed up her hair and winked before turning towards the training grounds. “See you later, princess.” He gave a wave before shoving his hands in his pockets and walking away.
Your story was strong to begin with. The improvements are amazing. Some specific (nit picky) comments are below. Great job!
ReplyDeleteK.D.
"Liko took in a deep breath and slowly smoothed her way over the ceiling beam she was laying on. The wood was like silk under her fingertips, slippery enough to slide right off and fall two stories to the unfriendly marble floor below." I would change this second Liko to She ....swallowed her fear and peeked over the side of the beam."
I think this next sentence could be made more urgent/impactful if its shorter. Consider "She wanted to steal a mission. A simple dangerous drop wasn't going to stop her."
"Papers and pots of ink were strewn over the surface of the oak desk" ... freshen up the writing a bit. Example, that commandeered the center of the room...(not very good but you get the idea This is a grand desk that takes over the room...)
"A coffee press sat next to an oversized mug, still steaming. The smell encompassed"...(permeated?) ... the room;... How about "nutty, chocolate, and mmm, just a hint of hazelnut...." a nutty, chocolaty aroma, with a hint of hazelnut. The Imperio lived off that stuff.
"There were three doors in Imperio Catherine’s briefing room," ... Try "Three doors led into the room. (in other words delete There were, you then have the building was... the sentence structure could be jazzed up a bit.)
The the main door, the one strictly for the Imperio's guards and a side exit only for the Imperio herself. The building was a huge mansion made of marble with heavy oak doors carved with locking runes. Only the moon goddesses knew why Imperio Catherine chose to have beads hanging in her doorways instead of rune locking oak. The beads clinked together; sending small tunes throughout the room that made Liko’s skin shiver.
Three figures stood below Liko; Catherine, and the two boys she was briefing.
"Catherin (e) was standing in front of her desk. All Liko could see of her was her black short hair and her silk robes billowing around her." ... Try Catherine stood in front of her desk. Liko could only see her black short hair, and silk robes billow around her (is Catherine overpowered by these robes or is she a substantial figure that matches the size of the robes?)
"It wasn’t anything against them." Try she had nothing against the boys (?)....
"Spying wasn’t hard. She was doing it right now."(LOVE THIS!!)
"She’d found this crevice when she was eleven and Catherine told her she wasn’t ready to be trained. Liko had snuck into her office to find out who she thought was ready." These two sentences are awkward and unclear. Did she find the crevice AFTER she was told she wouldn't be trained? How long did she have to wait? How old is she now? Had Liko begun sneaking around to find out who was ready and did so repeatedly?
"Making sure there was no one around, Liko let herself drop and roll into the courtyard." Try Liko dropped and rolled into the courtyard - get rid of let herself.
“You know sneaking around during briefings won’t take your mind off it.” .... What is it???
"Liko managed to force a smile."... Try Liko forced a smile...
Hi KD
DeleteThanks! I'm so glad you liek the added line. :) I wasn't sure if it was cool or cheesey. I'm so glad it's not cheese-tastic :P
Hi Ellie,
ReplyDeleteI thought your first pass was terrific, and you've done a great job incorporating suggestions from the comments made in the first pass. My comments here are teensy-weensy thoughts to keep or toss.
First paragraph- unfriendly marble floor below... how about unforgiving?
I agree with above comment about a more imposing desk. 'Coffee press' and 'mug' sound contemporary, but not sure of your world yet.
You mention the building being a huge mansion, then go on to use the word building throughout. I might use mansion instead..."Looking at the Imperio's mansion like it was a ship sailing off with his love."
The crevice sentence..."when she was eleven, __ years ago, when Catherine told her she wasn't ready to be trained."
That's it; that's all I've got. Is she really a princess?
I love it!
Hi Donna
DeleteOh yay, I'm so glad I'm improving :)
Thank you for the notes! I think these will really help the flow go more smooth
GREAT changes, Ellie. You’ve definitely managed to reorganize this in a logical way, and I think you’re starting to get Liko’s voice and POV. I still think you can deepen it even more (and show me more of the action/emotions), but you’re SO close. The key is to avoid the common, cliché action tags (like shrugging, frowning, crossing arms) and bring those to a stronger level. I try to give you examples in the comments below. Again, though, you’re close and I think you’ve really managed to amp this up from last week. Awesome job!!
ReplyDelete--
“Liko took in a deep breath and slowly smoothed her way over the ceiling beam she was laying on.” --> EXCELLENT! You’ve totally transformed your opening. Just 2 tiny line-edits: you don’t the word “in” after “took” and it should be “lying” not “laying”. ;)
“Liko swallowed her fear”--> Can you maybe first show me this fear? Then show me HOW she swallows it? Since for the rest of the passage, she’s pretty confident, I’d like to see exactly how her fear expresses itself (shaking hands? Dry mouth? Trouble getting a full breath?) and then how she quells that. You’ll notice in books (good ones, at least ;)) that characters have a “quirk—a physical movement that the character tends to repeat. For example, in DIVERGENT, I remember that Tris always rubbed her hands on her pants. I’ve seen in other books where the MC always cracks his knuckles in a tense situation—or taps her forearm or picks at hangnails. It’s never overtly STATED the character does this when stressed, but we see the quirk crop up in those situations. I see you doing the “flicking fingers”, and perhaps that’s what you’re going for with Liko’s quirk? But I also think here’s the PERFECT time for us to see her take control of her stress through some defining action (something more intense than flexed fingers). Does that make sense? (You, of course, do not HAVE to do this! It’s just something I thought of as I read.)
“The Imperio lived off that stuff.” --> I like this line because has a nice dose of Liko’s voice.
There were three doors in Imperio Catherine’s briefing room, the main door, the one strictly for the Imperio's guards and a side exit only for the Imperio herself. The building was a huge mansion made of marble with heavy oak doors carved with locking runes. Only the moon goddesses knew why Imperio Catherine chose to have beads hanging in her doorways instead of rune locking oak. The beads clinked together; sending small tunes throughout the room that made Liko’s skin shiver.”--> Rather than list the setting, I think you can weave this into the narrative just a bit more—show the reader *why* the layout matters by putting it into the context of Liko’s thoughts. For example: “For the thousandth time, Liko eyed the exits—three doors. *If* she fell, which she prayed to the moon goddesses, she wouldn’t, then the main exit was her best bet for escape. The other doors—one for guards only and one for Imperio Catherine only—would just land Liko in water even hotter than a two-story fall. At least through the main exit, Liko could get lost in the marble mansion *before* Imperio Catherine saw her face and realized who’d been eavesdropping.” Okay, that’s not the best example, but maybe you can see what I mean about weaving the setting into the context of Liko’s situation?
“Nayeeshi stood stone straight in front of Catherine; the only thing that ruined his perfectly ironed appearance was the mop of black hair he refused to let anyone touch. Tarin stood next to him, a striking contrast to Nayeeshi. He made looking like he rolled out of bed a form of art. His orangey hair was mussed up, and his uniform jacket was unzipped.” -->I like that we see the contrast of the boys. Can you infuse just a bit more of what Liko *thinks* about this? Does she LIKE Nayeeshi’s perfection or prefer Tarin’s look? Something as simple as adding a few “negative” words would totally show the reader—like, “the only thing that ruined his oh-so *perfectly* ironed appearance was the mop of black hair he refused to let anyone touch. Tarin, meanwhile, was a total contrast. He took mussed-up to an art-form. An…*attractive* art form.” You can clearly do better (since that’s obviously in MY voice), but hopefully you see what a few choice words can do to the connotation of the description?
ReplyDelete“Seeing that the briefing was close to its end, Liko shimmied her way backwards on the beam. When she got to the end, she pulled herself up onto the beam above her and crawled through the open vent leading to the back of the building's second floor. She’d found this crevice when she was eleven and Catherine told her she wasn’t ready to be trained.”--> This doesn’t really say HOW she found it, though. Did she actively seek it out? Accidentally discover it…?
“Liko had snuck into her office to find out who she thought was ready.”--> I’m not sure what this means. She wanted to found out who Catherine thought was ready? (Be careful with your pronouns. ;)) And if so, why did she want to learn that? So she could beat up the other person? J/k…but maybe you see what I’m asking?
“Making sure there was no one around,” --> How does she do that? A quick skim of her eyes? Listening with her breath held?
Her stomach was like river rapids breaking,”--> So while I like this analogy, it would be stronger to say it “felt” because then you’re SHOWING me how it felt rather than telling me what it is. It’s a slight change, but it can make a big difference here. :)
“her fingers flicked.”--> I’m not sure what this means. I can’t imagine this action.
“Her body thrummed with the thought.”--> I also can’t imagine this. Give me something just a bit stronger. What IS thrumming? A shivering through all her muscles? An excited churn in her gut? A breath that feels too big—in a good way—for her chest?
“Liko frowned and crossed her arms.”--> Give me stronger physical tags. Rather than a basic frown and arm cross, her face could sink into a sneer and she cocks out one hip. Frowns and crossed arms are fine, but you want to use those more common tags as sparingly as possible. Paint a vivid picture, you know? “Shouldn’t you be off with Nayeeshi or something?” Wasn’t he just inside? If he’s out, that means Nayeeshi should be out as well. Liko shifted form one foot to the other.
“His face fell and he looked her over before shrugging, pulling his expression up to normal.” --> Again, give me stronger verbs. I know you can. ;)
“Liko’s fingers flick.”--> Maybe I’m idiot, but what are flicking fingers? Flexing?
“Caught. She should have known better. Nayeeshi probably noticed her too. Tarin always seemed to know her better than she knew herself sometimes.”--> Give me more of Liko’s voice here. It’s a simple as tweaking a few key words to *sound* like her. Example: “Caught. Dammit. She should have known better—of *course* Tarin would notice her. He always did.” (Clearly that’s in MY voice, but hopefully you see what I mean.)
“The thought made her cheeks heat up. Instead of admitting anything, Liko just shrugged.”--> Again, give this more oomph. You can say “heat flared up her neck, on her cheeks” to show her flush more clearly. And rather than a shrug, she could swat his comment aside like a measly fly or cock her chin up, scoffing. There are lots of other, more vivid ways to show her actions and what those actions mean.
ReplyDelete“and her stomach flipped.”--> Again, make this stronger. A flipping stomach doesn’t seem BIG enough for the fact that he’s touching her. Maybe her breath catches and her whole body tenses. Maybe her stomach *punches* into her ribcage. See what I’m driving at?
“She needed as much of a head start on Nayeeshi as possible.” --> I’d like to see hints of this sooner and more strongly. Yes, she’s flustered by his swoony looks and attention, but I feel like she’d try to immediately get control of the situation—or at least immediately chastise herself for letting him distract her so easily (“But it was that dimple. That darn dimple *always* did her in…No! *Focus, Liko! You have a mission!*”)
Haha Thanks so much! The last dimple comment I love :P
DeleteI finger flicking I'll have to change or explain more. I had the same trouble when I said my character sucked his teeth in annoyance. C
I think I'll have to make a list of actions and words I use too much and do a find all and change them.
Can't wait to dig into these edits now! :)
That's a GREAT way to liven up action tags. I remember doing that for SS&D years ago when I was revising it for the first time. I started building an "action tag dictionary" too--whenever I saw a cool tag in a book, I'd write it down. Then I tried to infuse similar unique actions in my own writing. :) I think you're REALLY close, Ellie. This is a definite improvement from last week, and your enthusiasm for revisions will get you far. ;)
DeleteReally enjoyed reading this the second time around! Just a few things to mention:
ReplyDelete-The mention of a coffee press was jarring. It doesn't seem to fit in the setting of this story. Perhaps you could simply describe the smell? And attribute it to something like "black liquid" or another made up word? It's up to you.
-"this will be a good day." Was she being sarcastic? And by needing her whistle key to get into the city, does she mean back into the city she's in now? After's she's retrieved the gem on her own? I think that's what you meant, but I'm not sure which city and when she'd need this whistle key. How does it work? Where is it now? All these questions don't have to be answered, but some explanation would be nice.
- Princess? Is she a princess? I thought Catherine was the ruler? Or is it just a pet name?
Overall, though, GREAT JOB! I think this is a very promising start.
I think you did a good job grounding a bit more in the scene at the beginning. I felt like I could see the room a bit more, and the additional details actually created a different picture from what I saw before.
ReplyDeleteThe coffee press drew me out as well as the fact that you left ace informant in, which is making me question the time period of your story. It may be that you are going for a bit more modern than I was originally picturing, but if that is a case, I'd like a few more clues.
That said, I like the mention of the runes earlier on and the magic that they use. The jewels and more information about the enemy is good. I also like the extra physical details about the boys. Really I think you did a great job on putting more detail into the story.
I still have a few questions about the leadership on her side, and exactly where she fits in overall, but a lot of that will unfold later in the story.
You need to fix the spelling of Catherine here:
Catherin was standing in front of her desk. All Liko could see of her was her black short hair and her silk robes billowing around her
Good job on the revisions!
Mim
Hey Ellie,
ReplyDeleteGreat revision! So much more oomph in this version, and i think if you listen to Susan, you will be in fantastic shape.
The only things I can add to her great notes are the following:
1) Read each sentence individually then close your eyes to make sure you can visualize the action based on what the sentence says, instead of what you think it says. And make sure you can visualize it sentence by sentence, because you don't want the reader to have to slow down to puzzle it out. For example, your first sentence:
Liko took in a deep breath and slowly smoothed her way over the ceiling beam she was laying on.
Smoothed as a motion verb is unexpected, and while unexpected verbs are fantastic, it's important that the reader instantly gets the meaning. I didn't, and the verb lying (correct) further confused me until I was deeper in the paragraph.
2) Be mindful of how often you use similar sounds in close proximity to each other, and be certain that the feeling the sound evokes matches what you want to evoke in your reader.
You're very close with this! I'm looking forward to reading more.
Sorry I'm late!!! I agree that you're really close! I really don't have much to add. I like the addition of the threat being named and the discussion about the stones that made me sit up and take notice.
ReplyDelete