Name: Miriam Caldwell
Genre: YA Fantasy
Title: Nightfallen
The men in the clearing look lost, far away from home knowing they will never go back. The light filters through the trees casting green shadows on the ground. It should smell clean out in the middle of nowhere, but instead there is an overwhelming stench of decay. My father stands in front of the group, signaling men to move around the clearing.
I step next to him. With his hand on my shoulder, he leans in next to my ear. “Lexy, there are twelve in the clearing. They may have reinforcements.”
I nod and grab my sword in one hand, my knife in another. I peer through the trees. A group is gathered around a small fire. The infected look tired. A few have the gray bubbles spreading up along their faces. They shouldn’t be able to fight back as quickly as the others. I watch as each man from our group steps into place, blocking any escape path.
At my dad’s signal, I step into the clearing alone. I walk until the talking stops and everyone in the group is staring at me. Twelve sets of eyes, and still no one moves. I wait expectant. I’m ready for this.
“Are you lost?” one of the infected asks. His voice is rough. He doesn’t have any gray bubbles that I can see, but there is a nasty looking bite mark on his arm, with dark streaks of red running up it.
“No.” I hold my hands steady, shifting my weight slightly as I take in the clearing around me, looking for holes in the ground or things I might trip on.
“You should probably go then,” he says. “I can’t guarantee that they’ll leave you alone.” He waves his arm around him, and the other people in the group just look at me. Most of them settle back down on the log and ignore me. But one of the younger men stands up. I’m surprised at how tall he is, a good foot taller than me. He grabs a knife next to him, and rushes toward me.
I bring my sword up to block his downward swing. His blade bounces off my sword, but his other arm grabs my wrist. I move back, and away from him. For the first time in a long time, I stumble. I forget about the men in the clearing around me backing me up. All I can feel is his iron grip on my wrist. All I can hear is the heavy sound of his breath, and all I can see are his cold blue eyes as he comes towards me.
I twist away from him, pulling back as he swings his knife again.
One of the younger men from my father’s group stumbles into the clearing. The sound momentarily distracts me from the infected in front of me. No one moves to help him as four of the infected stand up and begin converging on him. Four against one is not a fair fight.
The infected grabs me again, and I manage to pull back and down so he misses my throat, but the tip of the knife still slices across my cheek. It happens so fast that at first it doesn’t feel like anything. Then the stinging starts.
The pain snaps me out of my daze. I thrust myself forward, swinging my sword wide. I can’t reach his neck, so I settle for a sharp jab forward. As I pull my sword out of his stomach, he leans forward clutching his middle, and I move quickly slicing off his head.
The sound of the blood rushing through my head fades, and around me I hear the shouts of the men, and the sounds of guns rushing forward. The man who stumbled in the clearing is close to being overwhelmed. He is carrying a pump action shotgun and no knives or sword. Although he has blasted away one of the infected. His next shot goes wide. The other three are too close, and one grabs him before he has time to reload and fire again.
He screams, high pitched and wild as he writhes trying to break free, and avoid the infected mouth.
I pull my knife out of the sheath on my thigh and swing it forward, hitting the infected who has him just below the base of the skull. The infected drops, and the man keeps screaming. As far as I can tell, he doesn’t have any injuries. Two more shots go off while I reach for my other knife and the two infected near him drop to the ground.
Dennis rushes forward grabbing me. He puts me in the truck and pulls out a compress soaked in alcohol and presses it to my check. My eye begins to water.
The rest of the men are in the clearing, cleaning up. After we kill the infected, we try to save their souls. Since their bodies were unclean from the disease, we burn them and my dad prays for them.
“We need to get you back to the infirmary and give you a booster shot,” Dennis says. “Emma’s not going to be happy about this.”
I just nod. The cut is starting to throb more, and I want to start crying. My father would punish me if I did, so I blink against the pain.
Over the sound of the men in the clearing, I hear one wolf howl. Suddenly it is silent. Everyone is frozen, when the sound is repeated back on the other side of the clearing. The echoing sound pushes people forward. The men stop what they are doing and pick up their weapons.
My father runs towards us, then we hear a third howl. My father starts the truck and begins pulling away before the door slams. Men are still in the clearing scrambling into the other truck. Smoke is rising from the fire we set, but no one is stopping to put it out.
“Travis, how did they find us?” Dennis asks. He is still dabbing at my cheek.
“I don’t know.” My father accelerates, twisting the wheel sharply to avoid hitting a tree.
Above the sound of the truck engine we hear it again. The wolves are howling. I look over Dennis’s shoulder out the window, two wolves are keeping pace with the truck through the trees. It’s the first time I’ve seen a wolf. One runs up to next to the passenger’s door. His fur is pitch black, and as he runs beside us, he looks through the window. His green eyes are human, intelligent. My breath catches in my throat. I can’t break away from his gaze.
“These are the real wolves aren’t they?” Something pounds in the bed of the truck.
“An abomination!” my dad yells.
I turn to stare out the back window. A brindle wolf is scrambling among the guns strewn in the back of the truck bed. The wolf growls low and long.
“He’s in the truck,” I whisper.
My dad swerves hard to the right and then left but the wolf stays. I look out the window again and see the black wolf next to us. When I glance at the speedometer my dad is going forty miles an hour in attempt to outrun them. Then I hear another howl, I look ahead and there are another two wolves flanking the road. They begin running on either side of the truck as we pass them.
First Five Pages Writing Workshop: Jump Start Your Novel and Career
Hi Miriam! Thank you so much for giving me a chance to read your 5 pages. :) I think you've got some really great stuff going on here--what with the infected and the wolves. Whoa! Not to mention all the wild action that can definitely keep a reader on the edge of his/her seat.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I had some trouble really sinking into the story. I think this primarily boils down to a lack of emotional investment--both from Lexy and from me. Lexy didn't seem to have any real emotional reaction to the world around her, so as a reader, I couldn't connect to her. Remember that to make a reader care you have to show us why the main character cares. I'd like to see at least a few (3? 4?) emotional reactions woven into the narrative as well as some visceral reactions.
By emotional reaction, I mean something like, "I couldn't believe this was happening to me." or "I would rather die by my own sword than let one of these infected go free." Comments like that really show a character's view and emotional stance.
By visceral reaction, I mean something like, "My throat clenched tight, choking off my next breath." or "I ground my teeth, willing my heartbeat to slow."
Also, keep in mind that emotional/visceral reactions can speak volumes about a character. If Lexy's pulse barely skitters and she finds the infected more of a nuisance than a threat, then we know a LOT about who she is. The same would go for the opposite--if she's on the verge of turning around and running the whole time and if the sword is so heavy she can barely lift it, then we learn a lot about who she is. Does that make sense?
My other biggest issue, as you'll see below, was a lack of setting. I couldn't clearly imagine the layout, the time period, the amount of people or level of violence/threat, what the people looked like, the weapons, etc. A few key lines can go a long way in specifically setting up this scene so the reader can move through it as easily as Lexy does.
Otherwise, I think you're really onto something cool and exciting here. I'm looking forward to seeing what you do with it! :D
SPECIFIC COMMENTS:
"The men in the clearing look lost, far away from home knowing they will never go back. The light filters through the trees casting green shadows on the ground. It should smell clean out in the middle of nowhere, but instead there is an overwhelming stench of decay. My father stands in front of the group, signaling men to move around the clearing." --> I feel like this opening needs to be immediately centered in the POV. I didn't know if I was in first person, third person, or what. Give me the POV in that very first sentence--like: "I watch the men in the clearing." That's not a strong opening either ;) but maybe you can see what I'm getting at? Starting with the "I"?
That said, I think you might be hurting the scene by opening with a description. You've got such cool stuff coming up, and I think you can hook your reader more effectively by diving right into that. While I do think setting is important (see my next comment), I think that you can incorporate it more effectively into the narrative. For example, you could open with the stench of decay clogging her nostrils like fear clogs her throat as she crouches behind a hedge to observe the infected. Clearly that is just an example (and not the best one, at that), but maybe you see what I'm driving at?
ReplyDelete"The light filters through the trees casting green shadows on the ground."--> This is kind of a vague setting, and throughout the passage, I wanted to know more about what things looked like, where things were, how things felt. Is it a forest? A jungle? An alpine wood? Is the evening hot or cool? Are their insects humming or owls hooting? A few more specific, sensory details would go a long way toward setting up the scene for me. :)
"My father stands in front of the group, signaling men to move around the clearing."--> How many men are in the clearing? I don't need an exact number, but a general idea is important. Same goes for the number of men with Lexy's father.
"I nod and grab my sword in one hand, my knife in another." --> What sort of sword? Broad? Rapier? Wooden? Swords can be very heavy things that require years and years of training to control, so telling me WHAT sort of sword (and what sort of knife--parrying, throwing, cleaving, etc.) will show me A LOT about Lexy in one fell swoop. ;)
"At my dad’s signal, I step into the clearing alone."--> Why does she go first? It seems odd for a father to send in his daughter first when he has men in his employ, so maybe explain why she goes in first?
"Twelve sets of eyes, and still no one moves. I wait expectant. I’m ready for this."--> Do none of the men react to her sword and knife? That seems pretty hostile, so I would expect them to immediately move into a defensive mode. Not all of them are sluggish and infected, right? Or am I misunderstanding the layout and make-up of these men?
"But one of the younger men stands up. I’m surprised at how tall he is, a good foot taller than me. He grabs a knife next to him, and rushes toward me." --> First off, why is she surprised? Are tall people unusual? Second off, what is her visceral reaction when he jumps up? Does her heart pick up speed? Does her breathing quicken/slow? And what is her emotional reaction? Is she startled? Frightened? Ready for a fight? See my notes above about emotional/visceral reactions. :)
"The light filters through the trees casting green shadows on the ground."--> This is kind of a vague setting, and throughout the passage, I wanted to know more about what things looked like, where things were, how things felt. Is it a forest? A jungle? An alpine wood? Is the evening hot or cool? Are their insects humming or owls hooting? A few more specific, sensory details would go a long way toward setting up the scene for me. :)
"My father stands in front of the group, signaling men to move around the clearing."--> How many men are in the clearing? I don't need an exact number, but a general idea is important. Same goes for the number of men with Lexy's father.
"I nod and grab my sword in one hand, my knife in another." --> What sort of sword? Broad? Rapier? Wooden? Swords can be very heavy things that require years and years of training to control, so telling me WHAT sort of sword (and what sort of knife--parrying, throwing, cleaving, etc.) will show me A LOT about Lexy in one fell swoop. ;)
"At my dad’s signal, I step into the clearing alone."--> Why does she go first? It seems odd for a father to send in his daughter first when he has men in his employ, so maybe explain why she goes in first?
"One of the younger men from my father’s group stumbles into the clearing."--> why is he stumbling? Is he injured? Can you give me a clearer visual of how this happens? Also, why has no one come to her aid before this?
ReplyDelete"Four against one is not a fair fight." --> I'm not sure why she would expect a fair fight--especially since she and her father's men just ambushed these guys (not particularly fair or honorable either). Just something to consider.
"I can’t reach his neck, so I settle for a sharp jab forward. As I pull my sword out of his stomach, he leans forward clutching his middle, and I move quickly slicing off his head." --> Killing is not a neat thing and certain swords wouldn't be able to simply jab into his stomach and slice off his head. So again, what sort of sword does she have? And is she just exceptionally well-trained to be able to do this (it would require immense strength to decapitate someone). Additionally, what is her visceral and emotional reaction to doing something so horrible? And wouldn't there be blood everywhere? It would (I would imagine) spray all over her and the ground, no?
"The sound of the blood rushing through my head fades,"--> Whose blood? Hers or the man she killed?
"…and around me I hear the shouts of the men..." --> Watch out for filter words----they tend to distance the reader from the narrative. Sometimes you want that, but not in this instance (or maybe I'm wrong and you do…? Feel free to ignore this comment if so!). Rather than say "I hear," you can just say, "men shout."
"…and the sounds of guns rushing forward."--> Guns? This came as quite a shock because until now, you've only mentioned swords (implying a fantasy or historical world). Be sure to properly anchor the reader in the right time period and setting right from the start of the scene.
"Dennis rushes forward grabbing me." --> Who is Dennis? What does he look like?
"He puts me in the truck and pulls out a compress"--> What truck is this? And where did it come from? Where is it relative to the clearing and everything else that is going on?
"The rest of the men are in the clearing, cleaning up. After we kill the infected, we try to save their souls. Since their bodies were unclean from the disease, we burn them and my dad prays for them." --> This seems to easy/quick. Burning bodies would take a very long time (and smell awful), so can you give us more details about this? Especially about how Lexy feels? She just killed a man and now they are burning bodies--no minor activity, even for a war-hardened soldier. I'd really love to see more emotional reaction to all of the horrors going on around her.
"I just nod. The cut is starting to throb more, and I want to start crying. My father would punish me if I did, so I blink against the pain." --> I feel like you can show me this bit rather than tell me. For example, instead of saying, "I want to start crying", you could say, "Tears burn in my eyes" (which is a visceral reaction). And instead of telling the reader her father would punish her, you could say something like (obviously, this is JUST an example), "I throw a glance at Father, but his attention is still on the funeral pyre. Thank God. I still have a bruise from the last time he caught me crying." This way you are not only showing me that she wants to cry (but can't), you're also giving us some emotional reaction too. Does that make sense?
"Over the sound of the men in the clearing, I hear one wolf howl." --> Again, watch out for filter words. Rather than say "I hear," you can just say, "…one wolf howls."
ReplyDelete"My father accelerates, twisting the wheel sharply to avoid hitting a tree."--> Are they on a road? Or driving through woods? I'd like a clearer idea of the setting here.
"I look over Dennis’s shoulder out the window, two wolves are keeping pace with the truck through the trees."--> This needs a semi-colon or a period (not a comma). Just an FYI. :)
"His green eyes are human, intelligent. My breath catches in my throat. I can’t break away from his gaze."--> I find this a bit inconsistent with the intensity of the scene. If her dad (and everyone else) is so freaked out by the wolves, then wouldn't she be panicking when one runs right alongside her? I mean, I personally would be FREAKING. ;) And I would be probably shrieking at my dad to drive faster. I'm not sure I would notice the eyes are human when something this dangerous is clearly about to maul my truck...
"These are the real wolves aren’t they?”--> Who says this?
“He’s in the truck,” I whisper."--> Would a whisper be audible over all the commotion? Just a thought.
Thanks for these comments! I've read them over and been thinking about them for more than an hour. I can really see how to make some good changes. And now I need to do some additional research on swords!
ReplyDeleteSorry if I overwhelmed you with all this! I should have given you my usual disclaimer: when I critique, I go ALL OUT. It can be a bit terrifying to someone who isn't used to my style. So yes, I'm sorry if it seems like a lot. It's really not--I just tend to point out every single thing I see...and I tend toward longwinded when I'm explaining things. *blushes* Again, forgive me if I've overwhelmed you.
DeleteAlso, if you have any questions at all, please just ask!
No I wasn't overwhelmed. You just pointed out some areas where I can definitely make some changes. Good changes. So thank you. I'm looking forward to revising!
DeleteHi Miriam,
ReplyDeleteThere's a lot of drama in these few pages! So much so, I very much want to read more and figure out what's going on and why.
I think it could be clearer though, and I think you could give us more to relate to the other characters.
I wish I understood why Lexy, her father and his group are there? What are they trying to accomplish?
How old is she? Why does she go into the clearing on her own? Why does the man from her father's group stumble into the clearing? Did he fall? Why doesn't anyone try to help him?
I can't picture how the man who stumbles also has a gun and why it takes him so long to start shooting. He stumbles. She finishes a fight. He shoots.
Why is Dennis waiting in the background? Does he help fight or does he only come forward to pull Lexy out of harms way?
What is she thinking/feeling this whole time? Is she scared? Excited to be helping?
I think the premise has a lot of potential. I look forward to seeing it evolve.
Thanks for your comments. I definitely need to let Lexy's feeling out a bit more--it's routine for her, so she's not overly excited, but I need to let the readers know that but there would still adrenaline rushes and internal thoughts. Thanks for the comments!
DeleteHi Mariam!
ReplyDeleteOof. What an action packed first few pages!
At first I was a bit confused with the talking about Groups. I thought that the MC was in the center of the clearing with the original group. Then I realized that there were two groups. I wasn’t quite sure why she headed into the middle of the clearing alone though. Unless it’s some sort of initiation right, or some sort of strategy they use? Also, when the guy in the infected group asks if she’s lost, I’m wondering why he’d think that when she’s holding a sword and knife.
The fight scene is intense and really well written. I can tell this will be a real action packed story. I’m seeing the world as like ours, with trucks and guns, maybe military type of style. With wolves that seem human coming into play, in addition to the ‘infected’ this is feeling more Paranormal or Urban fantasy with the modern transportation and weapons.
I would definitely keep reading just to figure out what the deal is with infected people and human type wolves. There’s been so many questions raised, and I’d want those answers!
I don’t feel like I know the Lexy well at first. Just that she can fight, usually well. But I love how she’s right off the bat kick butt and can take care of herself. I can tell she’s going to be an awesomely tough heroine.
I can't really gauge her emotions though. I get the feel that she's just DOING things, and the only hint we get about her and her relationship is that her dad will be really mad if she cries, so I think we need a bit more grounding with that. I wonder if there could be a scene before this, with her and the group preparing to attack the infected? Then we can see a bit more into her head before all the action starts.
Ellie,
DeleteThanks for the comments. I definitely need to work on putting the emotion back in.
I'm having a tough time classifying this. It's definitely YA and while it has fantasy elements--the wolves, and zombies--they are all based on science--no magic. It's got a post apocalyptic feel with the zombies. It's definitely more urban fantasy than just plain fantasy.
Hi Miriam,
ReplyDeleteYou certainly do have a lot of action going on in this scene, and and I was quickly drawn in.
The stumbling guy was a stopping point for me too. Was he doing this as a ploy to make the infected think he was one of them? Maybe you could add a little more to clarify this.
I got thrown off a bit by: "After we kill the infected, we try to save their souls." Is this their mission to do so? Do they have some sort of powers, or is Lexi's dad a self-appointed saver of souls.
I agree with the others who ask for more emotion out of Lexi, going from kicking butt to tears, but I also know we can't get an entire story in the first five pages. (That's why I'm here, to learn as well.)
I loved how you ratcheted things up by bringing in human-like wolves. Are they enemies or talismans? Hmm, I want to know more.
I can see how parts of the scene are unclear, and some areas that I need to clarify. Thanks for the help. I'll work on cleaning things up and hopefully stop the confusion. Thanks!
DeleteMim
OOOOHHHHH I love it! Zombies AND werewolves. LOL. I love the tone and the action. I like the relationship you establish quickly with the father. My biggest complaint is that you don't give us any bonding time with the MC. You throw her right in the action and (I know I say this a lot) but I have to ask, why should I care? If you make us really bond/connect with her, then we'll be biting our nails in the hopes that the infected doesn't get her! Or the wolf. :D
ReplyDeleteI do need to work on helping everyone connect with he main character. I'm definitely working on that in the revision! Thanks for your help!
DeleteHi Miriam,
ReplyDeleteWow. This gets right into the action, and there's a lot of it. In fact, there is a LOT to love about this piece. I think it just needs a little bit of clean up and clearing up.
First off, I'd love you to slow down just a little bit and let us see the clearing. Fantasy needs extra detail for credibility, for one thing, and for another thing we need to understand all the action and the motivations to fully connect with the character.
I'd love to know sooner that Lexy is female, and I'd love a deeper hint of her relationship with her father and her feelings about being used as bait, her feelings toward the men. I'd love to see the clearing, because right now, it takes too long for me to understand that the men in the first sentence are the infected. (I do love that the leader is tired and resigned and tries to save her! GREAT dimensional writing from the starting gate!)
You've got a lot of great action, as I said, and a lot of stimulus going on. You're less successful showing us her response to that, and as a result, she feels distant to me. For example. In response to the guy being nice and warning her away, how does that make her feel? Relieved that he's foiling her plan? Sorry for him? Resigned? Don't name the emotion, and don't fall back on the same old cliche hearts pounding and stomach churning sensations--be fresh and show us the emotion in a way that reveals her character, her relative power within the community to which she belongs, and her sense of self.
Obviously, stay appropriate. Her feelings will change in response to new stimulus. Whatever she feels when the guy warns her away is going to be shifted abruptly when the other guy comes after her. It's interesting that she's focusing on his hand on hers, but if he's infected, isn't she going to be worried about that contact? Is she focusing on some outward sign of the disease rather than the cold blue eyes?
I would suggest going through this and checking to make sure that you are taking this slowly enough to fully make us present in the story, in 3D, with sights and sounds and smells and sensation, and that you are letting us feel her responses alongside her so we start to grasp who she is and worry for her. When she is cut, we need to know what to worry about. Is she at risk for turning? How does she feel about that? At the very best scenario, she is going to scar? Does that matter to her? Should it matter to us? Does she hate that it matters to her?
Things like the way that she checks for objects she could trip on are wonderful. Give us more of that!
Show us, also, enough of the world to let us grasp whether it is the same world that we know, or are we somewhere different. Are the trees our trees? Are the cars the same? Give us specific details and use those details in ways that develop your world and your character simultaneously.
Also, watch out for repeated words. Your action is moving quickly enough that they are very evident.
You have given us a glimpse into a fascinating scenario. Now bump it up a notch and put us into that scenario with your mc. As soon as you do, this is going to be stellar.
I'm looking forward to reading more.
Lots of action! I think, like many have said, the biggest issue is to incorporate thoughts and feelings. Even in the midst of action, you have to have something for readers to relate to. You have to give a reason to root for your main character. Susan explained this perfectly, already.
ReplyDeleteJust a few things I want to mention:
In these pages, you write "After we kill the infected, we try to save their souls." What does this consist of? Just praying? I think you could describe the process of saving these souls, and what you MC thinks of it. I think it does ad a bit of suspense, but I would still like a better idea of WHY Lexy and her father are there, in the woods, and fighting the infected. WHat makes them qualified, or are they on a solo mission? These are just questions, and they don't all have to be answered, but I think a little more clarification might be nice.
I also love that your are developing a solid relationship between Lexy and her father. In YA, the parents are often written off or pushed aside. I'm just wondering what Lexy thinks about being used as bait (at least that's what I assume was happening).
This is a great start, though! I can't wait to see the revision!