Monday, March 11, 2013

1st 5 Pages March Workshop - Kroepfl Rev 1

Name: Jim Kroepfl
Genre: Middle Grade Historical Fantasy
Title: Kannihut and the Dying Land

Kannihut focused on the low sky. He was sure this time. The strange light glowed in the distance, reaching up into the sky in long orange streaks, silhouetting the trees. But it was dusk and the light was in the north, like a brother to the sun, threatening to bring a completely different day. The glow came from the hills beyond the lake village, out near the mysterious island where the Spirit Father lived, but this side of the great swamp . . . where nobody lived.

Kannihut wanted to put it out of his mind, but lately he’d seen the glow more and more, and each time the wrongness of it gnawed at him deeper. He was wondering if he dared to bring it up again when his older brother’s command broke through his thoughts.

“Kannihut, pay attention,” Willisaw hissed. “If we miss a deer, Gishgoo will tie us to a tree and leave us for the Hill People.” Before, Willisaw was known for his humor; now, Kannihut wasn’t even sure if he was joking about Gishgoo. Kannihut wasn’t sure about much anymore; he never seemed to do right in his brother’s eyes.

Kannihut shifted his legs and tried to focus on spotting deer. He and Willisaw had been crouching at the edge of the dry lakebed for hours. The thin layer of mud on their skins was beginning to crack and break away, making him itch all over. The small pond had attracted deer throughout the spring, but it was almost gone now and not many deer came anymore.

“Let me take the first shot today, Willisaw,” Kannihut whispered.

Willisaw shook his head as he watched the clearing. “No. We can’t miss.”

Kannihut started to protest, but Willisaw was right; if they let a deer get away, Gishgoo might kick them out of Beaver Clan. They’d be alone again and might as well walk down to the river and wait for the Hill People to come and cut their throats. He shook his head to refocus his thoughts.

Willisaw sighed. “It’s too hot. All the deer are deep in the forest.”
Kannihut took one more look at the northern sky. Thankfully, the strange glow was gone. He could just make out a patch of flowers at the opposite edge of the lakebed, tiny red and purple dots in front of a stand of young spruce. As he stared at the flowers’ vibrant colors, he felt a strange quivering inside. An area in the trees looked different from the rest, greener and brighter, as if lit by sunshine, and as he stared, the leaves stood out even more and began to shimmer.

Willisaw turned to look behind them as Gishgoo, Kaak and the dog came out of the forest. Kaak was the clan’s best hunter and had spent more time in the woods than anyone. The dog, which Kaak refused to name, stood next to him as it always did, its light brown fur and white face blending into the underbrush, its paws covered with mud to block its scent from dabbing the ground.

“Let’s go,” Gishgoo said. “We’ll hunt near the stream tomorrow.”

Willisaw stood, but Kannihut remained crouching, staring at the trembling colors.

“Come on, Kannihut,” Willisaw said with hushed impatience.

Kannihut couldn’t take his eyes away from the vivid shimmering in the trees. “Wait,” he said in a whisper, wondering if he should ask the others if they saw it, too. Then he thought better of it. These men were hunters; they noticed the smallest movement in the brush. The area was too bright, too prominent to be missed—if it was real.

“We’re leaving,” Gishgoo commanded while a smitch of dried mud fell from the downturned corners of his mouth. As he turned his well-muscled back, the dog’s ears shot up and it focused on the same area in the trees that held Kannihut’s gaze.

Kaak followed the dog’s eyes. “Look,” he whispered.

A young buck moved out of the trees and took tentative steps into the meadow. Slow as glaciers the hunters put arrows to the gut and raised their bows. The deer was out of range but coming toward them. It had four points and a unique diamond-shaped patch of white at the base of its neck.

Willisaw moved back into a crouch and held up a finger, signaling that he would shoot first. Without moving his head, he glanced at Kannihut and winked, looking for just a moment like the old Willisaw, before they lost everything. The deer stopped in the middle of the lakebed and looked in all directions, smelling the breeze for danger, its white tail twitching. It took a few more tentative steps toward the hunters as they pulled hard against their bows.

Kannihut held his breath as he strained to hold his bow in place, but his arm started trembling. He glanced at Willisaw’s arm, steady as rock. Kannihut thought about the blue ink marking of a Water Panther on Willisaw’s bicep, the one he kept covered with mud, even when he wasn’t hunting.

“There is no more Panther Clan,” Willisaw repeatedly told Kannihut. It was probably true. After people stopped hunting near the river, they hadn’t seen other Water Panther families and nobody back at the lakes claimed to be from the lost clan. It was just a story now, like the spirits in the springs.

When Willisaw let out a reproachful breath and Kannihut knew the warning was meant for him. He pulled his thoughts back to the deer and willed himself to steady his shaking arm.

Hurry, he thought as the burning in his muscles grew. The hunters waited until the buck had its head down and its side toward them.


Willisaw’s tortured bow let out a muffled sigh of relief as it snapped back into shape, slinging the arrow across the lakebed. At the sound, the others released their bows and three more arrows shot toward the deer. Two struck it in the neck and one in the back haunch. Kannihut’s arrow sailed just over its back, which he knew everyone noticed. The buck dashed into the forest, limping, and the hunters burst out of the brush and ran after it.

Willisaw, running at full speed, pointed as the deer ran down a dry creek bed. The hunters instinctively shifted in that direction, the dog alongside them. Kannihut tried to keep up but was soon far behind, even though he followed at a dead run. He stopped at the bottom of a hill to catch his breath and that was when he saw the deer.

It had four-pointed antlers and a diamond marking on its chest. As it came over the hill, it wasn’t limping and no blood stained its hide. The buck noticed Willisaw and calmly stared at him with its dark liquid eyes. Time stood still while Kannihut admired the fearless animal—until he remembered his purpose. He slowly raised his bow, breaking the delicate bond between them. At the movement, the buck turned and sprang back over the hill. Kannihut ran after it, his bow ready, but when he reached the crest the deer was gone. There was only a wide empty meadow and no place for the buck to disappear.


  1. Hi Jim, this reads a lot stronger to me. I think you could save the "There is no more Panther Clan" para and the sentence below it for later. It takes us out of the tension from the shoot. Also, I'm wondering now if Kannihut is the only one who sees the light in the sky, and the shimmer in the trees. If so, I think it would be a good idea to beef that up in the beginning. Some sense of how old these boys are would be good too. Nice going!

  2. Jim,
    Once again, I love how your writing is so in harmony with what you are writing about, you set us in the story like a leaf falling from a tree. Lovely.

    The last paragraph now sets us into a spiritual mystery. It begs me to ask: is where the buck disappeared the same place that shimmered? Is the odd light from the place that shimmered? is this entire area magical? If so, then it's going in the right direction, if not, why is the magic scattered? Could it be brought together? Is this the lost clan?

    Also, this sentence doesn't read right to me: "The glow came from the hills beyond the lake village, out near the mysterious island where the Spirit Father lived, but this side of the great swamp . . . where nobody lived." Is it ...but this side of the great swamp is where nobody lived." or not here, this side of the.... It just isn't clear to me.

  3. Jim,
    Great beginning! Like Janis, the last sentence of the first paragraph confuses me. That’s the only suggestion I have for improvement.

    In this revision I have a better feel for the characters. The flow is improved. I love that I get to see the scene with the deer being shot and then chased. Especially love that it shows itself to Willisaw. I’m intrigued with where you’re headed.

    I love the nameless dog. Hope he is part of the continuing story.

  4. Hi Jim-

    Great revisions! The opening is very strong, I am right there with them on the hunt. I struggled a little with the last sentence of the first paragraph- I think I know what you mean but it seems a little off.

    My one suggestion might be to save that bit about the Water Panther families until after the hunt scene is complete. It pulled me out of the tension of the scene a bit.

    The paragraph with the pristine buck at the end was especially nice- very intriguing!

    Looking forward to your next post!

    p.s. Just read through the other comments- hope I wasn't too redundant here. :)

  5. I agree with the above comments. Such awesome writing! I would change the placement of the "no more clan" discussion. Great work!!

  6. Hi Jim,

    Great work! Everyone has pretty much said it all already. I'll just add that you could perhaps pare things down a bit more and clarify. Make sure that your lovely language isn't redundant or distracting.

    For example:

    Willisaw’s tortured bow let out a muffled sigh of relief as it snapped back into shape, slinging the arrow across the lakebed.

    We don't need the "of relief" we know it was tortured and it's snappping back into shape.

    As it came over the hill, it wasn’t limping and no blood stained its hide.

    You've changed paragraphs, so identify "it" as soon as you can, at least by that second clause.

    The buck noticed Willisaw and calmly stared at him

    That's a POV shift that takes us out from Kannihut -- is that what you want here?

    Because you write well and so smoothly, it's easy to lose trace fo meaning. Go through line by line and make sure that everything is clear and correct and necessary. Perhaps also switch up your syntax a bit more; you're starting quite a few paragraphs with proper names, for example.

    Very minor tweaks, obviously :)

    Looking forward to the next round!

  7. Thank you all. Very helpful comments. This is really quite an enjoyable and valuable experience.