Monday, March 18, 2013

1st 5 Pages March Workshop - Harris-Brady Rev 2

Heather Harris-Brady
Middle Grade Contemporary Mystery
The Mis(s)fits: All That Glitters

Lost treasure never goes out of style

Sometimes summer vacation isn’t so great, especially when you have to leave your best friend and move to a place where everyone looks at you like you have two heads. Then say the only hope you have of getting your old life back is a letter from a strange dead woman. Your chances are now as slim as a pencil skirt.

Like the back of a very old hand reaching from beyond the grave, the spidery blue veins of handwriting fanned through the letter’s waxy yellow paper in the depths of the sleek chrome trash can. One line, added to the envelope with a typewriter, stood out like a black tattoo.

“I am here, my dear, to offer you the chance of a lifetime.- Mabel Caylor, White Birch Cove”

Mabel Caylor came by her reputation as a spy with good reason. She always knew too much. Certainly she knew one is not always in the mood to say yes to the chance of a lifetime – especially when one is a twelve-year-old girl.

Chapter One: A New Season, A New Vision

On Saturday June 21 a cotton-sundress day radiated hope, happiness and promise over Manhattan, yet in the back room of a boutique on Central Park West one sixth-grade designing duo was ripping apart at the seams.

“I guess that’s it,” Celia Narro said, stroking the silver nailhead trim on her pink velvet chair. Her fingertips, rough with pricks from needlework, caught on the soft fabric. These two velvet chairs (one pink one purple), two silver nameplates (Aracelia Francisca Narro – Accessory Designer, Indira Devi Prabshan – Jewelry Designer), and two lifelong best friends with matching mirrored desks made up Narshan headquarters. One desk now stood empty beside several overflowing boxes as the relaxing hum of shopping floated back from the front of the Prabshans’ boutique.

“Are you sure you don’t want any of these pictures?” Indira said, waving at the wall of designer portraits. Chanel, Westwood, Rodriguez, Galliano, Lagerfeld, McQueen and McCartney looked comfortably at home on the pink silk wallpaper. Their favorite, the time they photobombed the Gossip Girls on set, had a soft light over it.

“Keep them for me. I’ll be back.” As Celia bit her lip and reached for a tissue Indira pulled a little tent card out of her purse and put in the middle of her desk: Reserved for Celia Narro.

“I knew you’d say that! There, it’s official!" Her eye caught a glimpse of a yellowed letter in the trash. "Hey – you’re not throwing this out are you?”

Mysterious treasures and love, pure Indira catnip! Celia knew she wouldn’t this slide.

“C’mon Indi.” Plucking the letter out she unfolded the crackling page and launched into a quavery old-lady voice.

“If you are reading this then it is at least 2014 and you shall be the next girl to live in my house, which pleases me very much. It is likely haunted but by the living not the dead. I left a great treasure for you along with what I fear is a great responsibility. You cannot accept one without the other. Being the sentimental old biddy I am I hope you will also find love during your search as I did during mine.”

She paused, waiting for a mocking laugh. Instead, Indira hung on every word, dark eyes shining.

“Go on!” she said, bouncing up and down.

“Although I have never lacked for imagination I cannot picture what your world must be. Perhaps all girls are free to learn, work and find their own happiness. If, however, the past is still vanishing in White Birch Cove there's no time to waste. Once the house is open the Triangle vultures will begin to circle. Start at the museum with my quilt. Death is so terribly inconvenient, you’ll have to finish this for me. Mabel Caylor” Celia tossed it onto the desk.

“It doesn’t even make sense. Like a total stranger is going to leave me a fortune. Get real.”

“But what if it IS real? It’s like a movie – you’ll be the princess coming to reclaim her treasure and find her prince!” Indira broke into her favorite dance move, teasing a smile out of her friend.

“I knew that Bollywood marathon last night was a bad idea,” Celia said with a laugh. “It’s just someone messin’ with me. I’ll be the new kid. They want me to show up and start asking questions like a total dorkapotomas. I’m not falling for it.”

The movers slammed the door on their way out with Celia’s boxes. The chandelier tinkled in protest overhead as a tiny gilt frame crashed to the floor. Celia picked it up. The quote slid around in her cold clammy palms. With the right pair of shoes a girl can change the world. Her parents gave it to her when Narshan opened. What's so great about change anyway, she thought. Change stinks.

Her parents were big on change but they were usually all talk. She never imagined they would actually go through with this whole move-to-the-country fiasco, especially after the miserable visit over spring break. With the stores closed until May even the weather gave up, spending the week in the sloppy, drizzly equivalent of worn gray lounge pants. Welcome to White Birch Cove - the place dreams go to die.

“Seriously, they might as well just lock me up,” Celia said, cracking her gum like a whip as they walked to the door. “I mean, a FARM and a restaurant in the middle of nowhere! Can you even?” She paused for effect. “Now do I look like a farmer?” she asked with one of her typical grand gestures.

Indira put on her Fake Serious Face. From the glossy black blow-out under her hat, past the necklaces rippling down her back, to the soles of her designer sandals this girl was a born New Yorker from head to toe. Indira shook her head.

“And does this look like a farm dog?” This time they both laughed because there was no way to even picture Coco’s handful of Yorkie fluff anywhere other than these upholstered brownstone streets. Coco wagged her tail. She liked attention even if she didn’t always understand it. Indira’s laugh trailed away as they turned to take the long way home, dipping through Central Park. She built up her courage over a few silent hair-twisting blocks before bubbling over in front of the Shakespeare Garden.

“Cee, I don't want to make you mad but you’d better hope that letter’s right about the treasure.” Her words picked up speed, snowballing downhill. “You’re going to find out anyway so you might as well hear it from me - the Designers Institute is having a Teen Runway Rockstar competition this summer. The winner gets a trip to Paris.” With this bomb Indira put her hands over her eyes and peeked out through the bunker of her manicure.

“You have GOT to be kidding me!” Celia shouted. “That is SO not fair! Somebody else is going to get OUR big break!” She whipped off her hat and sent it twirling into the water. An impish breeze, scented with Belgian waffles and hot dogs, answered by lifting her black bangs and skipping sunshine sparkles across the surface of the pond.

“Why are they doing this now? I can't believe it. I’ve wanted to be a designer my whole life!”

“Maybe it’s just not meant to be. We'll get another chance.”

“Lemme think for a minute. There’s got to be a way. I’m not giving up that easy.” Celia plucked blades of grass one by one and threw them like arrows toward the invisible demon of unfairness.

“There's only one thing to do,” she said. “I'm not thirteen until February. You need to enter it for me.”

“My mom's a member of the Institute. I can't.”

“We'll say we're from Queens or something. They don’t know every girl in the city. This has got our name written all over it!”

“I don't know Cee. Cheaters never prosper.” Indira toyed with her wrist-load of thin bracelets. “You know my parents, if they find out I’ll be SO busted. I don’t even want to think about what they would do.”

“Look at it this way. Would you rather make up a new designer and go to Paris or go to school with Hilde Essen after she wins?”

“Okay, you’ve talked me into it,” Indira said. “I'm down. But you HAVE to back me up on this, you can’t leave me hanging once you’re gone!”

“You’re the best Indi - we are going to set this town on fy-yaah!” Celia said, spinning to her feet. “You know you can count on me. Grab my hand a sec, I need to rescue that hat.”

As Indira held on to her left hand, Celia stretched out over the edge of the pier. As she brushed the brim her cell flipped over the edge of her pocket like Jacques Cousteau. With one soft plop it sank like a stone.

“Oh my god! That’s it, I’m cursed. Didn’t I tell you Hilde gave me the stink eye? This is officially the worst day EVER.” And it wasn't even lunchtime yet. “Let’s get going, maybe I can get padre to stop for a new phone before we leave.” All too soon they reached Indira’s doorman Amara who, like all good doormen, knew exactly how much time each tenant required for their hellos and goodbyes.

“I can't believe you're really going! Text as soon as you’re over the bridge,” Indira said, with one last lemongrass-scented hug. Sparkling tears dangled from her minky lashes. “Remember, you've got to be back by Labor Day, or sooner! Just do what the letter says, use the treasure to pay your way back.”

“Treasure or no treasure I’m going to find a way back here as soon as I can, whatever it takes. That's a promise.” Her voice, low and fierce, could have belonged to someone else. With eyes unfashionably moist the girls parted with the secret handshake they’d started in second grade. This was the first time Celia walked away wondering if they would ever see each other again. She didn’t even notice Indira’s graceful hand slipping the strange letter into her shoulder bag.



6 comments:

  1. It's better, but I still contend you don't need it!! :D I do like this though.

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  2. I like the mystery of the letter setting the tone. I also love the beginning of the first chapter. Thanks for adding a reaction to losing the phone!

    I liked Celia and Indi from the start, but they've gotten more real with each revision. I like that they're over the top in drama - makes for a fun read. I love your last line!

    Best of luck with your story. I've enjoyed being a part of First Five Pages with you, and I appreciate your helpful comments.

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  3. I really enjoyed this revision. I wasn't pulled out of the story, I was able to feel the drama more, and the fashion-speak just shone like bling.
    "With eyes unfashionably moist the girls parted with the secret handshake they’d started in second grade." Love this line and the last (and many in-between).

    I have to agree with Lisa though, you don't need a prologue, just get us in the chapter, the way you've placed the letter in the trash, and then thrown on the desk, we see it, your characters tell us...it feels really present.

    I did enjoy work-shopping with you and meeting your two fashionistas. Best of luck! I look forward to reading the final work one day.

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  4. Hi Heather,

    Oh, this story is so adorable! The voice is so strong- the girls really shine.

    I know you're getting a little frustrated about the prologue or "grabber page," as you called it. I tend to agree with the idea that you don't need a separate prologue but maybe you could weave in your ideas at the beginning? I did a little spitballing, maybe something like this:

    “I am here, my dear, to offer you the chance of a lifetime," Indira read aloud with a shiver. The spidery blue veins of handwriting fanned through the letter’s waxy yellow paper, like a very old hand reaching from beyond the grave.

    “C’mon Indi.” Celia plucked the letter out of her friend's grasp and tossed it on her now-empty desk. “It doesn’t even make sense. Like a total stranger is going to leave me a fortune. Get real.”

    Anyway, just an idea to get you thinking. I know you'll get it!

    Thanks so much for all your comments during the workshop. I wish you every success with your story!

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  5. Thanks guys, I've asked around a few places about the grabber pages. Authors have told me that if it's a story excerpt the publisher puts it in but if it's essential to the story the author puts it in. Based on the MG mysteries I've studied (Capture the Flag), etc., there's always a part at the front that sort of hits you in the face with the mystery. In Capture the Flag the flag gets stolen, etc. So it's very scary for me to let go of that setup. But I'm going to try querying it both ways on different agents and see what happens.

    I feel like your comments have really helped me get more in tune with the voice/expression here and I appreciate all of you! Best of luck with your projects - Heather

    (PS: If you're into cooking I have a blog at http://midwesternfarmgirl.wordpress.com. I also have a baby writing blog at themysteryofwriting.wordpress.com.)

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  6. Hi Heather,

    SO much better! I love the girls and the relationships between them. I do like Kindra's suggestion a great deal. In fact, I would suggest taking that suggestion, the leaving the text of the letter out of the first chapter except for perhaps another small snippet that will draw us deeper into the story. I also think that you could make it clear that this is information that Indira and Celia have shared before, which will let you set up the conflict between the interpretation of what to do with the letter more easily. Just a thought. For example:

    Her eye caught a glimpse of a yellowed letter in the trash. "Hey – you’re not throwing out Mabel's letter are you?”

    Mysterious treasures and love, pure Indira catnip! Celia knew (had known? is she doing it deliberately) she wouldn’t this slide.

    “C’mon Indi.” (Seriously, Indi?) Plucking the letter out she unfolded the crackling page and launched into a quavery old-lady voice.

    “If you are reading this then it is at least 2014 and you shall be the next girl to live in my house, which pleases me very much. It is likely haunted, but by the living not the dead."

    Celia paused, waiting for Indy's mocking laugh. Instead, Indira hung on every word, dark eyes shining. “Go on!” she said, bouncing up and down.

    Celia tossed the letter onto the desk. “It doesn’t even make sense. Like a total stranger is going to leave me a fortune. Get real.”

    I think we can wait for the rest of the details in the letter and the scene can be about her having the goal to forget the letter and say goodbye but Indira wanting her to act on the letter. Why do they each react the way they do to the letter? I'd like for there to be a stronger connection between the letter and the contest. Maybe they need money to buy the materials or pay the entry fee since they can't ask their parents because they're cheating?

    It's just a thought. THis is SO strong. I'm still feeling like you could make the voice just a tad bit more MG though. And are you sure you want to lapse back into omniscient at the end? Be careful with your POV. I think a close third in Celia's POV would work best for this scene, but that's just a suggestion, of course. The characters are so vivid, I think you can pull off most anything :)

    Best of luck with this!

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