Jude Tulli
YA Fantasy
Smoldering Ember
"Some creatures belong to the night, but there is one that is the night, and it carries the dark on its back." -- Phenomena That Cannot Be Yet Are, Volume 89, p. 2,741
One
I always wanted to be Princess Salandra, but now I don't even want to be me anymore. Who would have said ten years ago that the prodigal Girl with the Flaming Curls who turns gold into fire with a wave of her hand could have failed so completely on the eve of her seventeenth birthday? No one, that's who. The taste of ashes seizes my throat and I swallow it back down, unable to stop replaying the horror in my mind.
Salandra's ocean blue eyes struck wide with panic. I'll never forget. How her tears graced my shoulder as I held her tight and promised I wouldn't let anything happen to her.
I was never ready for any of this.
My heart prickled and turned cold when darkness overtook the middle of the day. I summoned light through every sweat-flooded pore and heaved fire with each shallow breath. I used up every last bit of fairy dust and toadstool gills. Nothing penetrated the wall of pitch this whateveritwas brought.
The Thing I Could Not See tore Salandra from my embrace as she screamed and I was left a whimpering heap of failure. "Take me, too!" I shouted, "Or haven't you the gall to face a Fire Mage in the fairness of light?"
When the darkness receded, I was left alone with my regret. There must have been something more I could have done. But what? I tried to follow, but there was no trail of any kind at all.
Mother said I could handle this, but then she was always pushing me into trouble. From the very first day I snapped my fingers to light a candle, she began selling my gifts for wealth and social status. A little sleight of hand and the gold went in her pocket and a few toadstool gills went foof into flames. Old money is so easy to fool.
So it should have come as no surprise that her dying wish would be the death of me, too. If only it were swift and final.
Stop the plot to kidnap a princess from each kingdom. That's what I'm supposed to do with a few parlor tricks and all that potential Mother never stopped blathering on about. Anyone can see I'm off to a roaring start.
Protect first. Then rescue any you've lost. They won't hurt any until they have all. That's what Mother told me, and it's clear she knew enough to be worth killing. I always said we should have moved back to Littleville, but she had set her eyes on a baron if not the prince. Well look where it got us. I could have been home on the farm with a cup of warm milk and a block of aged cheese right now, hearing about this terrible news from the shepherd boy next door as his long dark hair gently lifted as the breeze swept in through the open doorway.
His face dissolves into another vision of Salandra's terror. I shake my head but I can't dispel it. Follow the kingdoms south to north and west to east, Mother said. If you fail, get moving before they put a bounty on your head.
The bitch knew I would fail. She knew and yet she made me promise!
When I emerge from the princess' not-so-secret-after-all bunker, I've missed the sunset but the stars lend me solace, twinkling with joy as if the world wasn't any different from yesterday. Though there's a chill in the air, it's so much warmer than the magical night the enemy cast upon me.
I check my pockets to make sure my reagents haven't disappeared. Not that I have any left worth mentioning.
I rip the last eye of peacock feather from my bodice and hope they have peacocks in Quakkao as I toss it up toward the rising moon. It hisses and twists and grows into a gloriously plumed firebird.
"Lovely streaks of blue in your wings." I hop upon his crackling back and he lifts me up, high above the squalid city. This is the best parlor trick I know.
"If Mother was right, Quakkao is next. Princess Mercy will be in danger."
He nods and lifts me above the cloud cover, and the stars shimmer so cheerfully they lighten my heart almost as much as I want to snuff them out one by blissful one. The land below looks peaceful in the scant moonlight. Any other night I would never guess a war was brewing.
I tell the stars and earth together, "I will not rest until Princess Salandra is safe at home." They don't seem affected by my resolve, but it felt good to say out loud what I'd been feeling since that dreadful moment.
We continue to rise, and I feel lighter than air, drifting at speeds ships only know in storms. Watching the treetops pass below is mesmerizing, and I hold tight to the bird's fiery neck as I begin to nod off.
I'm not sure how long I slept before a dream of falling awakens me. It's not just a dream; we are falling! His flames spout all around me. I look down.
Behind us on the ground runs a mass of pitch blackness. Despite our flying at top speed it's gaining.
The dark overtakes me. Even the burning form beneath flashes not a sliver of light inside my eyes. I snap my fingers. Nothing. Of course; just like last time.
"Damn it! Remind me to learn some new spells if we get to Quakkao, please."
The firebird dives. It's a good think I haven't eaten or I'd lose my stomach.
"Don't attack it! Are you trying to get us killed?!"
I hold on and squeeze my useless eyes so tight I'm forced to smile.
Stomping hooves--hooves! A brusque and guttural neigh, the whoosh of my bird's wings setting fire to the air.
Something sharp pierces my thigh, and blood trickles like rain down my leg. Now it's a downpour. I'm being sucked dry!
"Up, you fool! Up! This is why I hate relying on magic!"
I welcome the return of the light though it stings almost as much as my wound. "Wait! Down!" There's a boy facing the black as it hurtles toward him. He's just standing there, like a crazy person. Is he trying to get himself killed?
"Swoop!" The bird does and I grab the idiot by his armpits and he climbs up behind me as the dark overtakes us all. "Up! Faster!"
The light returns and I lose control of my tongue. "What's the matter with you?" I'm more than a little angry that he almost got himself killed, and not just because he could have gotten me killed trying to save him. Not that I've really noticed in the seconds I've known him, but if I had to guess I'd say he has a sense of calm about him. "Are you blind or stupid?"
"The first one," he replied. "How about you?"
"Oh. Sorry, I didn't--" I turn my head to catch a look at his face. Honest nose. Kind brown eyes, which he leaves open. Guess they're good for something.
"It's fine," he laughed. "You're bleeding!"
"It's nothing. How do you know?"
"I felt the blood on your robe when you lifted me. And shouldn't I be uncomfortably warm or something? I hear the crackle of flame and see red shadows dancing around. I'm not utterly blind; I can still sense light and dark."
"The firebird is safe when you're with me. Magic, of course. Don't try to ride one alone."
"Wasn't planning on it. So where are we going?"
"I'll drop you off with your family if they're close."
"We're not. Close. I'm a burden to them."
Pity. He seems about my age. Much too young to be cast out from family. "Then where would you like me to take you?"
"With you."
"You don't even know me, let alone where I'm going. It's too dangerous."
He runs his hands along my hairline to my forehead, then lingers over my temples, rubbing. Tension melts; his touch is lighter than any healer's. He proceeds to trace the arches of my eyebrows, the outlines of my eyes, the slope of my nose that I've never before wished so hard was gentler. Even the indent between my nose and mouth, whatever it's called; I have no idea, and I can't exactly stop to think now. My heart starts to flutter when he touches my lips, and it makes no sense but I don't really want him to abandon them for my chin, though he does. "I know you now. . ."
"Ember," I finish his sentence. "Ember Ahti. I'm not sure that's all it takes to know someone, and either way, I don't know you."
"Sterling. Pleasure. What's that rider got against you, anyway?"
"Rider? How do you know there was a rider?"
"Didn't you hear her whispering commands or were you too busy shouting your own? A bit obvious, aren't we? Light and noise are always less subtle than dark and silence. Wouldn't you agree?"
I don't know what to say. This is definitely a distraction I don't have time to deal with.
"See? You can't afford not to take me with you."
I lean back as we fly, exhausted, and he catches me and rubs my shoulders just where I hadn't even noticed they hurt. "They're headed for Princess Mercy."
"I know." Well, I'd been pretty sure up until now.
Now, I know. Lucky for us, we seem to be faster. "Fly onward, firebird!" I shout, then remember the mysterious rider probably has ears.
I can whisper, too. "To Quakkao."
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"Who would have said ten years ago that the prodigal Girl with the Flaming Curls who turns gold into fire with a wave of her hand could have failed so completely on the eve of her seventeenth birthday?" <-- Too much information in one sentence. I had to read that several times before I had processed what you wrote.
ReplyDelete"unable to stop replaying the horror in my mind.
Salandra's ocean blue eyes struck wide with panic. I'll never forget. How her tears graced my shoulder as I held her tight and promised I wouldn't let anything happen to her.
I was never ready for any of this."
Okay, so first you say that you can't stop replaying... Then "I'll never forget" which took me back out of the past. Then the shoulder part, back into the past, never ready for any of this, back out... And then into the scene again. I think you need to establish the memory more clearly. Ground us with some details and leave out the present commentary.
As I continue reading, though, I'm wondering if you need to include the flashback with Salandra, or if that's accomplished well enough with your first paragraph...
In general I would say there is a lot of backstory. With Salandra, the mission the protag is currently on, where she used to live... Can you work these details into the story? As soon as I read "When I emerge from the princess' not-so-secret-after-all bunker," I wondered if you could just start there. I was looking for the action, wondering what was going on to the protag as she thought about all of this... And then, if you started there, you'd have shown us that she's a fire mage because she summoned the firebird. You'd introduce the princess conflict too, with Princess Mercy being in danger, and also the fact that she's on a mission her mother gave her.
RE: the boy. Why isn't the protag more suspicious of this character who knows about Princess Mercy being in danger and just happened to be there when she was attacked? Also, some of the conversation is a bit stilted i.e.:
"I felt the blood on your robe when you lifted me. And shouldn't I be uncomfortably warm or something? I hear the crackle of flame and see red shadows dancing around. I'm not utterly blind; I can still sense light and dark."
^--This feels more like a monologue than him actually talking to her.
Great revision and looking forward to reading what's next :).
Great revision!! I understood the rules and set up much better this time and felt more connected to her because of her relationship with her mother. I think this is your first line: "I'll never forget. How her tears graced my shoulder as I held her tight and promised I wouldn't let anything happen to her."
ReplyDeleteI was drawn out at the line about her falling in the dream, smooth that over so it flows better. Like, I dreamed I was falling, but opened my eyes to find I really was. But better! LOL
"Not that I've really noticed in the seconds I've known him, but if I had to guess I'd say he has a sense of calm about him. "Are you blind or stupid?"" If she hasn't noticed, then she couldn't make this observation. It's first person. :D
This is a much better explanation of what happened with Salandra but is she on the move now because she has been held back by something? Is her primary reason for moving now because she "will not rest until Princess Salandra is safe at home"? If so why did she not begin at the moment Salandra was snatched away from her?
ReplyDeleteI like the princess' not-so-secret-after-all bunker. I think that speaks of a certain quirky personality that you should play up.
On the other hand I'd like to give an opinion about why referring to her mother as a 'bitch' does not fit here. I think the word 'bitch' is very much part of OUR world and not this world. I think the word 'witch' or the equivalent word used in this new world - even if it is made up and just SOUNDS nasty - would work better. That's an opinion, that and about $4.50 will get you a white chocolate mocha at Starbucks.
I agree with Lisa's comment about the dialogue between these two characters. Though I like his reply. It seems they could wait for this exchange for a quiet moment - at this time it is a matter of urgency that they survive, not get to know each other.
There is a 'tense' problem when referring to the boy next door in Littleville. "...as his long dark hair gently lifted as the breeze swept in..." there is a back and forth conflict between past and present tense that can be reworked.
I still don't understand "reagent". I think you need a brief telling fact here. Is it a weapon? Is it a magic potion defense ball that fits in a pocket?
One comment on the first quote from a book that is part of this new world. I think this stops the reader dead trying to figure out what this is. I loved this quote the way you used it the first time. Again. Opinion. Not as important as the other things.
This is a good rewrite. Keep it up. You have grounded us in this world so that things are much more understandable. Thank you.
Ha! I noticed the tense problem in that line AFTER I'd submitted, of course. Nice catch. :)
DeleteThe story's a lot more understandable this time around!
ReplyDeleteEverybody else has already noted the weirdness of snapping in and out of flashback with the princess's abduction. I think you could fix it by having that be the opening scene. It's exciting and horrifying--kind of like the opening scene of Twister with the dad getting sucked out of the basement.
The scene with the blind kid doesn't seem to have had any changes at all, and his dialogue is kind of stilted. What was he doing in the road, anyway, if he can't see? Did he have any kind of a stick? He sure seemed to climb up on the firebird with no problem, instead of ducking or trying to run away.
Sorry to be so harsh. As this develops, this is turning into the kind of story I'd REALLY REALLY REALLY like to read. Looking forward to your next revision!
Thanks Kessie,
DeleteNot harsh at all - I agree - I'm going to try moving the abduction to the present (thought about it last time but wanted to see what feedback it got as a flashback), and I ran out of time to edit the part with Sterling last week. Will try to get it all done this weekend. Never enough time! :)
Jude,
ReplyDeleteFor me there was an amazing improvement in my understanding of the story with this revision. The stakes are more clearly laid out and the story flows much better.
If I put my critical hat on, my overarching feeling is that you might be trying to pack too much information into this opening scene, rather than letting some of the backstory unfold as we go along.
An example for me is the section about Ember's mother. I think a key line or two for now might be enough. It slows down the action. I know there is a lot of critical information, but you might be able to sprinkle it in a little later on?
The light returns and I lose control of my tongue. "What's the matter with you?" I'm more than a little angry that he almost got himself killed, and not just because he could have gotten me killed trying to save him. Not that I've really noticed in the seconds I've known him, but if I had to guess I'd say he has a sense of calm about him. "Are you blind or stupid?"
Lisa commented on this passage with regard to POV. I'd also use this to highlight that maybe the dialogue can stand on its own without the explanatory statements:
The light returns and I lose control of my tongue. "What's the matter with you? Are you blind or stupid?"
The dialogue does all the explaining you need here. That's the mark of good dialogue.
A couple of times the dialogue seemed a bit forced and kind of stuck out to me. One example:
"Wasn't planning on it. So where are we going?"
"I'll drop you off with your family if they're close."
"We're not. Close. I'm a burden to them."
When I read this I jumped out of the story. It felt contrived, like you had Ember say the word "close" just so that the blind boy could respond using the same word in a different way. I get what you're going for but because it didn't seem like natural dialogue to me, it stuck out.
Just a few things I thought I'd comment on in what for me was a really good rewrite. Looking forward to the next version.
-Steve
Great feedback - thanks, everyone! (Nikki and Martina, of course please feel free to comment whenever it's convenient. Late is fine - just ask the White Rabbit).
ReplyDeleteI think I'm going to try backing up to include the flashback of the loss of Salandra in the present and hope (or, better, somehow craft it so) it's not too much action to begin the story. . .
I think it's less compelling as backstory, but feel free to let me know if you disagree or had an alternate suggestion.
You guys rock!
:)
Jude,
ReplyDeleteThis is a seriously wonderful story, and there is so much here that shines. Your writing is lovely, and in general I would say only to think carefully about some of your sentence breaks. They're unusual enough in places that they call attention to themselves rather than allowing the reader to fall into your story.
Beyond that, my main concern is that I would love to get into scene faster rather than narration. Although your mc is interesting and you're setting the world up well, it's a little hard to get engaged and immersed, and I think that if she was moving within a particular setting, engaged in something we could visualize, we would get into it faster.
Really good work! I'm looking forward to the second revision!