Erica Nash
Young Adult Fantasy
The Infinite Betrayal of June Grey
My sixteenth birthday was less about candles and more about death. Not my death, of course, that would have been much too macabre for my seemingly delicate mother; no, this birthday was about the death I would be responsible for. The death that had clouded my mind since I was nine and walked into the mudroom, looking for my polka dot boots. Instead, I found my parents spraying their hands and forearms clean, spattering the porcelain wash bin a diluted crimson.
Once the initial panic had passed, they sat me down, dried my tears, and showed me how to use a gun.
Seven years later, the stories from that day still give me nightmares. They’re the reason I take comfort in the firearm tucked into the waistband of my jeans, the cool steel a constant reminder of my purpose in this world. I may not technically be a member of the Guard yet, but I still carry. And I certainly don't have the training to kill a full grown dragon, but I’d like to think I could bust a cap if I needed to.
Bust a cap? I can't help but snort. I am such a moron.
“What are you snorting at?” Lucy says from my desk chair, her eyebrows raised, ready to throw the sarcasm that’s sure to spout from my mouth right back in my face.
“Just my incredible hilarity.” The half-truth comes easier than it should. Lucy might be my best friend, but she can’t know what I am.
“Laughing at your own jokes again, June?”
I give a solemn nod. “I am.”
We bust into laughter, drowning out the music we weren’t listening to anyway. The older we get, the less moments we have like this, so I’m grateful for it. After tomorrow night, there may not be many more.
“How in the world did I get stuck with you two?” Tuck’s comment makes us laugh harder, just as he meant it to. He winks his right eye, the one people always notice because of the scar that runs from his eyebrow to his jaw, and I catch myself watching him. My awe, both at the creature who did the damage, as well as the boy who fought for his life, grows each time I see him. It’s nothing short of a miracle that Tuck survived.
His deep chuckle joins with our high-pitched laughter and something twists in my stomach. After hounding me to be more than friends for too long, he finally got his wish. I'm not sure he realizes I didn't enter the Promising willingly.
The uncertainty that settles in my gut must show on my face, because he gives me an odd look and says, “I’m just kidding, Grey. I wouldn’t be mean to you on your birthday. Now, tomorrow--that might be a different story--but today, you’re safe.”
Despite my apprehension, I smile. This is more of the Tuck I know--the easy-going boy with the cheerful grin. I much prefer him over the sullen, irritable version I had the pleasure of meeting yesterday.
But it's not the Promising that has Tuck on edge. Tomorrow we'll go through the Induction, provided the Council decides to keep us.
Two sharp knocks and my door creaks open.
Mom is smiling in a red apron, looking more like an average housewife than the warrior I know her to be. “June, guests are starting to arrive. Why don’t you guys come down?”
I dare to groan only after I'm sure she’s down the stairs. “Ugh, I don’t want to do this.” I feel a little like a six-year-old throwing a tantrum as I flop back on my bed and stare at the ceiling.
“So you dragged us into it?” Lucy stands over me, hands on her hips, long red hair framing her face in waves that I have tried duplicating--without success--countless times.
I smile and shrug. “Misery and company and all that.”
It’s her turn to scoff, but I catch the small tug of her lips before she turns. Lucy's a much better friend than I am. She tells me everything. I tell her lies.
The gnarled hands of guilt squeeze my heart, but I push it to the side. When you live in a world where dragons become humans with the self-control of a rabid dog, some secrets are better left kept.
“Well, let’s get this borefest over with, then,” I say through a sigh, heaving myself off the bed.
Lucy’s already out the door, but Tuck stands by the opening, arms crossed over his broad chest, leaning one shoulder against the wall. The air in the room changes as I catch him watching me, thickening into something I struggle to swallow. So many things I want to say, need to say, but I don’t have the words. Either because they won’t come to me or I can’t say them, I really don’t know, but the longer we stand here, the worse it gets, so I shoot for something neutral.
“Nice to see you’re no longer PMSing.” The words tumble from my mouth of their own accord, ignoring my pleas for them to come back. Brilliant, June. Just brilliant. Saying something like that would have been fine before, but is that how you're supposed to talk to a fiancee?
Throwing his head back, Tuck laughs before I can overreact to the F-word. “PMSing,” he says, shaking his head. Then he sobers and his brow creases. "Sorry about yesterday, but this morning I had a simulation and, well, you know how it is. Take down a few lizards, some hand-to-hand, release some aggression.”
He shrugs his shoulders, a gesture that speaks volumes, and he’s right. I get it. The simulations clear my head like a run or an hour of yoga does for others. It’s less about the exercise, though, and more about the tunnel my mind creates when I’m there, like nothing else exists.
“Yes, well,” I say, making my way toward the door, “there is something cathartic about pulling that trigger.” The thought has me pulling at the ends of my shirt. It wouldn’t do to walk into a birthday party filled with old folks and have the butt of a glock sticking out of my jeans.
When I'm almost out the door, Tuck doesn’t move to leave. Instead, he puts his arm across the opening, blocking my way. My breath catches in my throat.
“June.”
My name is a rumble that I feel deep in my chest. It flutters around in there, pattering over my heart and thudding against my ribs.
Somehow I manage to swallow past the mountain lodged in my throat and look up. There is an odd light in his eyes that I can’t place. It changes, darkening each time his gaze roams over my face. He pauses at my lips, then works his way up. When his eyes meet mine again, he smiles. It’s wide and genuine and I can't help but echo with my own.
He taps the bottom of my chin with a knuckle and says, “Happy Birthday.”
The flutter changes then. No longer is it one butterfly or even two, but an entire swarm beating their wings on the inside of my chest, drowning out the noise of the arriving guests below.
I can't do this. Can't feel this way.
Desperate to break up the tension, I punch his arm. "Thanks, loser."
Looks great! I heart Tuck, by the way :)
ReplyDeleteThank you! I heart him, too. And his awesome scar. :)
DeleteOkay...so I'm going to try something different this time. I'm NOT going to read what other wrote, so if I repeat them, it's not intentional, and I apologize.
ReplyDeleteTHIS version painted me word pictures. I got to know the motivations of the characters much more than the first attempt.
PMSing didn't read right for me. I knew exactly what you were saying, but perhaps it should be written like this: PMS-ing.
I'll be honest, on the one hand I am intrigued by humans turning into dragons in the modern world. On the other hand, it's a taste thing I guess, but I've seen so many dragon/medieval stories that you'll really need to put some twists and turns in to keep me reading.
Your sensory details: "The flutter changes then. No longer is it one butterfly or even two, but an entire swarm beating their wings on the inside of my chest, drowning out the noise of the arriving guests below." What a clever way to say this!
"The air in the room changes as I catch him watching me, thickening into something I struggle to swallow." - This one needs clarity. I'm not sure what or who is thickening.
I catch him watching me, and the air in the room changes, almost thickens to the point I can't swallow. Overall, I can tell you worked out some of the issues from before. I still have sopme questions I know will get answered, however. What's the Promising? I'm unclear about the death she's responsible for still. Did she kill something at age nine? Is she foreshadowing? Keep working on this concept, but make sure it finds a uniqueness that separates it from other medieval tales.
Thanks for commenting, Don. To me, PMS-ing looks weirder than PMSing. Unsure of the proper way, but if it has a dash, it won't stay. Is it that the first five don't hook you because you've read too many dragon novels and they are all the same? Or because you don't see them in a modern world? Thanks for the comment on the sensory details, I'll work on that second sentence. As for the questions, I don't feel like I should cover all of those in the first five. They'll be covered later, because they're big parts of the story. Can't give away all the secrets! :)
DeleteErica- As I re-read your first line, I am most definitely hooked by it. I am a stickler for great openings, trust me. As soon as a highly touted novel comes out, that's the FIRST thing I look for in it. I REALLY want to know about that death, so I guess that's what makes me anxious. However, is it important for me to know it soon? Probably not in the grand scheme of things. I totally understand NOT wanting to give away any secrets. Let's face it, much of what we're commenting on is so subjective anyhow. It's so much easier to point out the glaring mistakes, but the subtle things aren't as cut and dry. In order to buy into this concept more, I would have to see where it goes in a few chapters, which I would WANT to do. So in that sense, you have done your job. Looking forward to seeing it on the shelves one day.
DeleteDon, this comment is incredibly nice. Thank you.
DeleteErica,
DeleteYou are incredibly welcome!
Apparently, after a long day of teaching, I can't type. Sorry about all the typos. :(
ReplyDeleteI can tell you put a lot of work into revising this from the first draft, and I think it is leaps and bounds better. It's smoother, the characters are more real, the reveal of key elements like the dragon are so much better. Really well done! I get a sense of the story without things being overdone (like the original interactions with Tuck). I really like it and I would read on.
ReplyDeleteMy biggest caveat is the dialogue. I think your narrative is excellent in most spots (I agree the thickening air didn't work for me), but the dialogue doesn't ring true to me. It doesn't sound natural. Not so much natural for a teen but natural overall. It feels forced, especially with Lucy. That coming so soon after your great first couple of paragraphs could stop people from reading.
Few specific points:
--I wonder also about the death she is responsible for in the first graph. Do you mean deaths, plural? The deaths of dragons? Or is there one death she has to dole out? Simply by making this plural it might work fine.
--Watch punctuation. I think in first graph you should use a period not a semi colon before "no" and don't need the comma before "looking."
--Love the "showed me how to use a gun." Unexpected and jolts the reader in a great way. Ditto for the next graph about her being afraid but carrying the gun. Excellent.
--Suggestion: "Bust a cap? I can't help but snort. I am such a moron." "Bust a cap? Look at me, sixteen and now a badass. I snort. Yeah, right."
--Cut this, it's confusing and not necessary: "ready to throw the sarcasm that’s sure to spout from my mouth right back in my face."
--Great: let's us know something is about to change, love the sentimentality: "The older we get, the less moments we have like this, so I’m grateful for it. After tomorrow night, there may not be many more."
--Love her being unsure about the Promising. Maybe in order to be clearer you could say "the Promising which binds us as man and wife"
--Easygoing is one word
--The way you say "meeting yesterday" -- was yesterday the first day she met Tuck? I didn't think so in version one. Has that changed here?
--Suggestion: I feel like a six-year-old on the verge of a tantrum as I flop back on my bed and stare at the ceiling.
Delete--Like reference to Lucy's hair but cut "countless times"--overkill.
--Love: She tells me everything. I tell her lies.
The gnarled hands of guilt squeeze my heart, but I push it to the side. When you live in a world where dragons become humans with the self-control of a rabid dog, some secrets are better left kept.
--Don't love: borefest dialogue. Really bothered me.
--As already said, the thick air doesn't work but that may just be me.
-- The PMSing comment didn't work at all for me. Turned me off her character actually. May want to consider that.
--Fiance is one e with a man.
--Love, great insight and relatable to reader: The simulations clear my head like a run or an hour of yoga does for others. It’s less about the exercise, though, and more about the tunnel my mind creates when I’m there, like nothing else exists.
--Suggestion: It’s wide and genuine and I can't help but echo IT with my own.
As for the too many dragons, I'm not a huge fantasy reader though I do read some YA fantasy. This wouldn't be overdone for me, but that's my frame of reference. And I like the idea that the dragons take the shape of people. That seems new??
Overall, great job and with a few tweaks I think you've got it!
Wow, Lori, thanks for taking the time to comment to such length. I'll take a look at the dialogue, as well as your other suggestions. The PMSing and borefest just help to show that June is snarky and sarcastic. She doesn't do it to be rude, just joking around. What about it bothered you? That it doesn't flow? That it's rude? I just want some clarification, if possible, because those comments are just so June. As for it being a new idea: I've mostly seen it in Adult Fantasy. Thanks again!
DeleteHi Erica, you are welcome. I really like this and am intrigued. It drew me in much more than the other version. As for the borefest and PMSing, they just seemed, I guess, trite to me. Not the most original language. I don't mind if she's sarcastic at all. I just want her to be a bit more original in her use of language. They also almost sound trying to hard to be youthful dialogue but youthful dialogue from like the 80s or something. Just not fresh to me. I'd rather her say "Let's go walk the plank" than borefest. Could just be me!
DeleteGreat revision!! Much better. Love this: " She tells me everything. I tell her lies.
ReplyDeleteThe gnarled hands of guilt squeeze my heart, but I push it to the side. When you live in a world where dragons become humans with the self-control of a rabid dog, some secrets are better left kept."
Just a couple of things. 1. The friend may still be a bit cliche. Beautiful when your MC doesn't feel that way. Etc. 2. The world is jarring to me in the middle. I'm immersed in what I believe to be a fantasy realm and then everyday things like PMS and yoga come up. It really confuses me when there are such different rules laid out earlier. I'd smooth over one or the other to make it clear if this world is ours plus dragons or another one entirely.
Thank you, Lisa. I'll work on Lucy. As for number two, I was hoping the mudroom, the polka dot boots, the computer chair, PMSing, yoga, the glock, etc would all be clues that it was in the modern world. Any suggestions?
DeleteI love this! Your MC has such a great personality -- funny, smart, strong but still girly. I really like Tuck as well and this opening scene is so good! I wonder if you could use another word besides “simulation”? Somehow it reminds me of Divergent even though I know this is a totally different premise. Maybe virtual training exercises or something like that? I have no other comments to add. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThank you! The simulations aren't anything someone's mentioned before, so I'll see what I can come up with.
DeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteFantastic revision! This really smoothed out.
Suggestions to work on for next week:
I still love the blended world, but I think you may need to introduce that more gradually and right from the beginning. Put into this opening only what we immediately need to know, and give us something that is emblematic of the blended reality in the second paragraph so that we are intrigued from the start and not surprised when we reach it.
Smooth out the dialogue. Some of your lines feel like you are working too hard and I'd love for it to feel a little more organic.
Overall, go over this and make sure that every one of the great lines actually moves the story forward.
Looking forward to the revision! :)
Gahhhh!!!!! Sorry I'm late to the party. (But writing my thoughts before reading the comments of the others.)
ReplyDeleteWhat a fabulous revision. I love the dialogue between the characters. And I love how you more naturally wove in the backstory. AND I love how you made the romantic tension more subtle but hotter at the same time. Great work. Interestingly enough, the beginning felt a little bloody and heavy now that you changed the rest. It felt a little out of sync for what you've now created, but maybe it's not so much the blood as the change in voice. I love your sarcasm and humor. The only other question I had was about Lucy. What does she know? If they are all tight how would they hide that? I'm sure you have it figured out, it just had me wondering. Fabulous job with this revision. I'm really excited!!!!
Thank you, Martina and Kimberly! Will work on the dialogue/voice and hopefully will smooth over with the next revision. I appreciate it!
ReplyDelete