Monday, January 14, 2013

1st 5 Pages January Workshop - Greene Rev 1


Name: Meredith Greene
Genre: Young Adult, paranormal
Title: Order of the Griffin


Couches made the best fires. Cooper had somehow managed to persuade his mom to let him dispose of the thread-barren couch that sat in their basement. Not that she’d approve of it’s current purpose, but it’s not like Cooper cared. I sat on the tailgate of his beat up Ford, staring into the raging inferno. A good bonfire was a rite of passage for any southern teen, and this one I had to admit, was pretty dang excellent.

Coop brushed a hand through his mess of straw blond hair and said, “For the first bonfire of the season, Tessa, I’d say we did mighty fine.”

“Well, sir, I have to agree. Nicely done.”

Someone turned a stereo on, which was blaring the latest country chart topper. Cooper’s lip curled into a sly grin. “Let’s dance.” I let him pull me off the truck and into a two-step. He was my best friend, and the only boy I felt comfortable enough to dance with.

As the song ended he looked past my shoulder. Shaking his head he said, “What does Ashley think she’s doing?”

I followed his gaze to see my other best friend, Ashley Tyler, flirting with a senior. “Lord only knows, but why do you care?”

Cooper said, “I care because that is Tommy Sanders, and I can’t stand Tommy Sanders.”

“Hey Coop,” a boy called out, “fire’s getting low.”

He looked back and forth between Ashley and the bonfire.

I sat back down on the truck, “Go, I’ll keep an eye on her.”

“Don’t let her out of your sight,” he said as he walked off.

I watched the light of the fire flickering across Ashley’s face as she worked through all her “moves”. First she twisted her hair, then she touched his shoulder, laughed at his jokes. Tommy reached out and pulled her in, but when she pushed against his chest he didn’t let go. Uh oh, that was not part of Ashley’s plan. I set my bottle of water down and shoved off the tailgate.

“Hey, Tommy,” I said as I neared.

“What’s-sup Montgomery?” His breath reeked of cheap alcohol.

“I was just coming over here to check on my friend.” I said, glancing at a wide-eyed Ashley.

“Your friend? This is your friend? Well, any friend of Montgomery’s is a friend of mine.”

“I’m not your friend, Tommy, and neither is she. Come on Ashley, time for you to go.”

“Hey,” he said pulling Ashley closer to his side, “she can stay if she likes.”

“Can she now?” I asked back.

I wanted him, needed him to hit me first. Anything to knock the pain, the nightmares out of my mind. If I couldn’t fight the demons haunting me in my sleep, I could at least go a few rounds with a drunk Tommy Sanders.

Ashley twisted her arm in his grip, “Let go of me you stupid jerk.”
I stepped in between them, daring him to make the first move. “Time for you to do what she says, Tommy, let go.” I felt a crowd form around us.

He released her arm, but kept his focus on me. “Fine, no big deal,” he surrendered with his hands in the air, palms up.

“Tessa!” I heard Cooper calling from somewhere behind me.

“Aw, is your little boyfriend getting jealous?”

Cooper warned, “Back off Tommy, you’re messing with the wrong girl.”

Tommy roared with laughter. “What’s she going to do, set me on fire like she did her mom?”

And that was exactly what I was hoping he’d say. I plowed my fist right through his crooked front teeth. His head snapped back, blood spewed down his chin. Stunned, he rubbed his jaw. I didn’t want him quitting on me so soon, so I gave him a good shove. He countered, getting one solid hook into my jaw. I hit him again, this time sending him to the ground. Shards of glorious pain radiated through my mouth and hand.

“Jesus, Tessa,” Cooper said, pinning my elbows back. I glared at the heap of boy I left on the ground as Cooper maneuvered me back to his truck. He plopped me down on the tailgate. “Are you out of your mind? What do you think you’re doing, picking a fight with a guy?”

Feeling smug I said, “He started it.”

“Let me see your hand,” Cooper said carefully looking me over.
“Congratulations Tess, it looks broken.” It was already swelling, turning purple along the way. It probably was broken, but I knew by tomorrow it would be completely healed.

“It’s fine Coop, not broken see?” I said fighting the pain to wiggle my fingers.

“Your jaw’s gonna bruise too.”

I winced. I would have to get creative with my make-up again. A not-broken hand I could fake, a bruise wasn’t so easy. With the exception of the six inch scar on my side, I could heal from any injury in a matter of hours.

Ashley pushed her way through the crowd to meet us at the truck. “I was handling it just fine you know,” she said with her hands on her hips. She pushed a lock of her curly brown hair from her baby face. She put on a brave mask, but her quivering lips gave her away.

“He was drunk, Ashley. You had no business talking to him in the first place.” I heard the sirens, judged they were at least six miles away. “Sorry about your party Coop, but we need to go.” He tilted his head, confused. “You know someone probably called the police.”

His grin split from ear to ear. “Wouldn’t be a successful bonfire without the cops showing up.”

After dropping Ashley off at her house, and making sure she was safely inside, we continued on to mine in uneasy silence.

The truck’s tires crunched on the gravel of my long winding driveway. My Aunt Sheila had left the porch light on, and would be sound asleep in bed. He put the truck in park, turned it off. “Tess, we’ve known each other since eighth grade.”

“That sounds about right,” I said as I crossed my arms.

“And who knows you better than anyone else in this world?”

“You do.” I felt the pangs of guilt tug at my stomach. He may have known me best, but no one knew the real Tessa Montgomery.

“Then why don’t you tell me what the hell is going on with you?”

I stared at him and considered my options. He wasn’t going to be happy with any answer I gave him, truthful or not.

“It’s the nightmares again--and the headaches.”

“So you let Tommy punch you in the face?”

“He brought up my mom.”

“Tess, you didn’t do anything to her, you know that right? The night she died, you weren’t even home so don’t let that old rumor get under your skin.”

I desperately wanted to agree with him, but my memories of that night had disappeared.

“I know you too well, there’s more isn’t there?”

I started to lie, but like he said, no one knew me better. “I feel like I’m losing control. The nightmares are getting more vivid, more intense. Last night, I woke up standing at Sheila’s door with a kitchen knife in my hand.”

Cooper sucked in a deep breath. “What about the locks we put on your door?”

“I don’t know, I must have undone them in my sleep.”

9 comments:

  1. I think this is so much stronger! I like Tessa, she's a firecracker. And I'm not sure if Tommy's a big part of the story, but I love that she nailed him right in his crooked teeth. :)

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  2. I'm commenting without reading what others have said, so I apologize if I repeat. "judged they were at least six miles away" I am not sure how a person does this exactly.
    Tessa's toughness reminds me a little of the girl in the series Heroes who no matter what happened to her, she couldn't die.
    I get confused when Tommy refers to Tessa as Montgomery, a boy's name. These are simple things to fix. I would stick to FIRST names maybe?
    While your opening is different, I read it over several times to see if it would make me want to read more. It is something typical of a YA world to have a bonfire, for sure, but I don't think the average reader would find it captivating enough to read on. Crazy thought just jumped into my mind- what if Tessa starts the fire with her powers? Okay. Okay. You can tell me I'm nuts. I can take it.
    I am curious about the mom/fire thing. You set up the reader with that very well. I think you have tightened this up. It seems to flow a little better. I'm not sure I'd refer to pain as "shards of glorious pain." I'd like to see more action in the fight scene where Tessa gets to make more of a point, and maybe we can sense some of her "hidden talents." After all, Cooper says, "You're messing with the wrong girl." Why? Give us a hint of what's to come from her. Just a suggestion.

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  3. I like. The opening with her "best friend" who happens to be a boy where she dances with him is a bit cliche and lost me a bit. UNTIL he started looking at her other best friend. Then I thought 'love triangle' but I'm not so sure. Maybe more of a hint of that? Or if that's not the case, not pointing out he's her best friend but not doing anything romantic with him, just joking around? Maybe starting off with her hearing/feeling/doing something abnormal and hiding it would help draw us in immediately. I'm definitely intrigued by the fire/her mom/and these nightmares. I'd read on!

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  4. Thanks! They really are just friends, no love triangle. She's a tomboy, relates more to the boys. It's a stretch for her to have a girl as a friend at all. I will try to revise to make that more clear.

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  5. Wow, this is a completely different book than the first one you offered up. In a good way for me! I am MUCH more interested in reading this. I get a sense of her character, the setting, that she has powers (I didn't get that at all in your first version), so bravo. Really great. I feel the world. It's that showing not telling thing as well as you being more original. It feels your own and has character and voice.

    Few things:
    --it was jarring to me when "someone" turned on music. Maybe it's just me, but I didn't realize others were there too. Not sure how to fix or if you need to, but something to think about.
    --watch copy edits: threadbare not barren; Southern, not southern; its current purpose, not it's (it is)
    --I like the setup to the fight but the fight is where you got me. It's the right amount of detail and action without going too far that you lose me (or girls...)

    And that was exactly what I was hoping he’d say. I plowed my fist right through his crooked front teeth. His head snapped back, blood spewed down his chin. Stunned, he rubbed his jaw. I didn’t want him quitting on me so soon, so I gave him a good shove. He countered, getting one solid hook into my jaw. I hit him again, this time sending him to the ground. Shards of glorious pain radiated through my mouth and hand.

    “Jesus, Tessa,” Cooper said, pinning my elbows back. I glared at the heap of boy I left on the ground as Cooper maneuvered me back to his truck. He plopped me down on the tailgate. “Are you out of your mind? What do you think you’re doing, picking a fight with a guy?”

    --Above all great
    --perhaps do you need them to dance? Does he need to ask or say something like "I know you want dance with me so I won't ask" Then she says "I appreciate it Coop" and maybe they sit there and he taps his foot or something. I guess the inclination is that it'll be a love triangle so I can see Lisa's comment. It didn't bother me though and I didn't think she was gaga over him or anything. Guess see what others think.
    --the scar part and the fire = excellent
    --I like the hints about her healing and the kitchen knife and locks. great detail.
    --perhaps a bit of dialogue could be more original "she can stay if she likes" but overall I really liked this and think it's a huge step in the right direction!

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  6. This is so good! I like learning more about the MC’s personality and thoughts in this version. I like Cooper too – he sounds cool. I was a bit confused about the Ashley and Tommy thing. First she seemed to be flirting with him with the dancing and touching his shoulder and laughing, and then suddenly she calls him a jerk when the MC tells him to back off? The scar, the dreams and vision, the mystery surrounding what happened to her mom definitely made me curious. I would read more. Nice work!

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  7. WOW -- you've really done some great work! This reads much more smoothly. The first paragraph is awesome.

    I would recommend clarifying the relationships so that we can concentrate on following the action. You've got a lot going on here. Make sure that we are thoroughly grounded in the basics so that we never get taken out of the story with all the fantastic things you're throwing at us.

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  8. I am so sorry to be chiming in late--I've been revising too and I got lost in my own little revision fort. But WOW!!!! This was amazing! I really, really loved it. I loved all the voices and the relationships AND I adored the tease. You ever so slowly rolled out the fishing line and you got me hook, line and sinker. Well done. I'm embarrassed to say that I don't have a lot to offer in the way of changes. I'll be honest, if you go through the comments there will likely be small technical advice that people give which will be really helpful, but I tend to engage more from the big picture story, plot and characters side of the house. I have been known to struggle through my own spelling and grammar crimes so I'll leave that to those who are good at it.

    * * *

    Okay--not having a whole lot of suggestions, I went up and read to see what was going on and I have to say I still stand where I stand. I like the imbalance that you brought to the writing. Throwing Ashley into the mix and not being able to read Cooper (who I'm girl crushing on already) wasinteresting character building and I like interesting, multidimensional characters. I like the promise you bring to the piece--IMHO I have confidence that you are going to reveal and unravel as you go and I'm excited about this. I hope the rest continues just like this. Fantastic job.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Martina and Kimberly! Thank you for taking the time to help us out. I really appreciate all the feedback!

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