Name: Lori A. Goldstein
Genre: Young Adult Contemporary Fantasy
Title: BECOMING JINN
A chisel, a hammer, a wrench. A sander, a drill, a power saw. A laser, a heat gun, a flaming torch. Nothing cuts through the bangle. Nothing I conjure even makes a scratch.
I had to try, just to be sure. But the silver bangle encircling my wrist can’t be removed. It was smart of my mother to secure it in the middle of the night while I was asleep, unable to protest.
Though my Jinn ancestry means magic has always been inside me, the rules don’t allow me to begin drawing upon it until the day I turn sixteen. The day I receive my silver bangle. The day I officially become a genie. Today.
I slam my newly acquired accessory against my bedroom closet, leaving a rounded indent on the wood door. The pristine, gleaming metal mocks me. For the rest of my life, I’ll go where I’m told, perform on command, and do it all without question.
Screw that.
Barefooted, I can’t kick the pile of tools without impaling myself. I settle for shoving the saw and catch a reflection of myself in the blade. Right, how could I forget? I race to my bathroom and fling open the door. At the mirror, I inspect all the ways my body has been altered while my mind was unable to resist.
Unlike the human world in which we live, sixteen is the age when we Jinn become adults and our indentured servitude to the Afrit who rule over our Jinn world begins. We grant wishes to humans of the Afrit’s choosing whether we want to or not. The bangles that release our genie magic also stimulate our bodies to reach full maturity, which as an inherently attractive species, tends to make us, well, hot. I don’t think it’s actually a quid pro quo thing (and if it is, we Jinn must be the most shallow of species), but then again, I’m not privy to the inner workings of the Afrit.
Eyeing myself in the mirror, I’m convinced I’m the exception. Always lanky, my form is now a study in angles. My cheekbones protrude like a shelf, the bones on my hips jut out, and my elbows are sharp like a sword. This is supposed to be attractive? I could double as the skeleton of a svelte supermodel.
My birthday falls during the summer, not that I think the HITs (humans in training, aka teenagers) I go to school with would likely question this new and improved Azra Nadira staring back at me. More popular newbie Jinn whose makeovers go beyond what can be explained away by a superior salon or skilled plastic surgeon actually have to change schools. Guess there are benefits to not being popular.
I upend the basket next to the sink. A pair of nail clippers clanks against the marble counter, landing in between dental floss and a barely used compact of blush.
I knew this was coming. Click. I grew up knowing this was coming. Click. But still a part of me believed something would stop it. Click. Maybe my mother would finally realize I was serious. Click. I’ve been begging her to find a way around me having to become a genie since I was old enough to understand what the word “destiny” meant. Click. Maybe the Afrit would decide my well-honed lack of enthusiasm was an insult to the long line of Jinn from which I descend. Click. Maybe they’d take one look at me and realize for the first time in Jinn history, powers should skip a generation. Click.
I turn on the faucet and watch with satisfaction as the tips of the long nails that replaced my short ones overnight swirl around the basin and disappear down the drain.
Peeking out from under the overturned basket is the pointy end of a pair of scissors. The spot of blood that rushes to the surface of my finger as I pull them out confirms they’re sharp enough.
Running away was never an option. Snip. I found that out when I was ten, twelve, and fourteen. Snip. Though each time my predictable hiding place was the Massachusetts beach that lies two miles from our house, my mother would have found me regardless. Snip. My Jinn blood is the equivalent of a permanent tracking device. Snip. Now that I have this silver shackle around my wrist, it’s not just my mother who can find me anywhere, anytime. Snip. The Afrit will be watching. Snip. If I refuse to grant wishes, my personal use of magic, the only pro amid all the cons of becoming Jinn, will be restricted. Snip. If I screw up, grant the wrong wish, grant wishes for humans not assigned to me, the length of my sentence to serve the Afrit will be extended. Snip. If I do all these things without signs of stopping or if I expose our Jinn world to humans, the worst offense a Jinn can do, I will be extracted from this human life I’m pretending to live and committed to a life of solitary confinement on the island where the Afrit rub their hands together and cackle as they toy with us Jinn pawns. Snip. It’s not a death penalty. Snip. As much as it may feel like it is. Snip.
A blanket of dark espresso hair surrounds my feet. I’ve sheared off the three inches that are new since yesterday and then some. The color, which morphed from mouse to mink while I slept, is an exact match for my mother’s. That can stay. The sheen helps the chin-length bob I’ve given myself look halfway decent.
They can make me grant wishes, but they can’t dictate what I’m going to look like while doing it.
I splash water on my face and can feel the length of my eyelashes. Leaning over the vanity, I peer into the glass and widen my eyes. I used to be able to get away with calling them hazel, flecked with gold. They are now simply gold. Amber. The color is an exact match not only for the color of my mother’s eyes but for the color of all Jinn’s eyes. And I can’t have that.
Lucky for me, my learning curve with this conjuring thing has been fast. One crooked wrench, one inoperable lighter, and one unrecognizable reciprocating saw preceded the plethora of tools turning my bedroom into a hardware store. And in all fairness, the mangled saw is more because I have no idea what a reciprocating saw actually looks like.
Just as I did when conjuring each tool, I steady my breathing, tune my ears to the beat of my heart, which pumps my Jinn blood at a rate closer to that of hummingbirds than humans, and close my eyes. I picture a pair of transparent contacts tinted dark brown. Having a perfect image of the object is key to conjuring.
An icy tingle snakes through my body. I shiver. My body craves heat. In all the ways I take after my mother — in all the ways I take after all Jinn — an intolerance for cold is the one that bothers me the least.
I concentrate until a bead of sweat forms on my upper lip and the slimy lenses float in a sea of saline in the palm of my hand.
Before I use them to mask my amber eyes, I flutter my long lashes and pucker my full lips, an attempt at being sexy that looks as awkward as it feels. Forget it. I plant my face an inch away from the mirror. With my index finger on my top lid and my thumb on my bottom, I create a larger bullseye for the brown contact. My first attempt sends the lens down the drain. After conjuring another one, I force myself not to blink. I’m successfully affixing the lens to my eyeball when I notice my fingernails are once again long. And red.
My chopped, dark brown hair shoots past my chin, flies down my neck, and leaves my collarbone in the dust. Post bangle, pre haircut, it brushed my shoulders. It now lands mid-boob (the only part of me that seems to have escaped a growth spurt). The gold of my eyes deepens and shimmers until my irises resemble balls of compacted glitter.
Apparently the Afrit can dictate what I look like. I dump the contact lenses in the trash under the sink. I give up.
I dive into my bed and burrow under the soft down of my comforter, grateful for its instant warmth. I ignore the sound of the dog barking somewhere outside and concentrate on the sweet smell of the lilacs in perpetual bloom in our backyard. I will myself to fall back to sleep. Even if I can’t sleep, I can still choose to skip today.
All I have to do is stay in bed. All I have to do is not open my eyes. All I have to do is pretend. Fortunately, being skilled in pretending is another way in which I take after my mother, another way in which I take after all Jinn.
I turn toward the open window and breathe in the lilacs. Along with the fragrance comes the pollen. Along with the pollen comes the coughing. Along with the coughing comes the involuntary opening of my eyes.
Who am I kidding? I can’t skip today. I don’t have that kind of control. The bangle assures that I never will.
I crawl out of bed and drop my pajamas on top of the drill. Of course the black tank top I pull over my head and down my newly elongated torso is too short. As I move, the hem plays a game of peekaboo with my belly button, an unintentional homage to the midriff-baring genies of fairy tales and fantasies.
Just a note: the "clicks" and "snips" would be in italics.
ReplyDeleteI like the new changes!
ReplyDeleteThough my Jinn ancestry means magic has always been inside me, the rules don’t allow me to begin drawing upon it until the day I turn sixteen----maybe instead of 'drawing upon' which sounds so formal, you could say 'using'.
I like that she gets a first glimpse of her appearance in the saw blade. Someone so indifferent to their looks would forget something like that, I think, so it seems more natural. I love the first paragraph with the Clicks, however I think the paragraph with the Snips is a little too much. Like it's a tad overdone, if that makes sense. I kind of found myself wanting to skip over them.
**My chopped, dark brown hair shoots past my chin, flies down my neck, and leaves my collarbone in the dust. Post bangle, pre haircut, it brushed my shoulders. It now lands mid-boob (the only part of me that seems to have escaped a growth spurt). The gold of my eyes deepens and shimmers until my irises resemble balls of compacted glitter.
Apparently the Afrit can dictate what I look like. I dump the contact lenses in the trash under the sink. I give up. ** ---Love these two...
Overall, well done! I look forward to more!
catch a reflection of myself in the blade- nice added touch! :)
ReplyDeleteEyeing myself in the mirror, I’m convinced I’m the exception. Always lanky, my form is now a study in angles. My cheekbones protrude like a shelf, the bones on my hips jut out, and my elbows are sharp like a sword. This is supposed to be attractive? I could double as the skeleton of a svelte supermodel.- Really enjoyed the humor here! :) How many teens can identify with this?
I upend the basket next to the sink. A pair of nail clippers clanks against the marble counter, landing in between dental floss and a barely used compact of blush. - Sensory details. I can hear them clanking. So important in a teen world inundated with sounds of all kinds.
Probably a stupid question: Can genies bleed?
Enjoyed the internal conflict as she snipped/cut etc.
Another stupid question: Why wouldn't a genie in training know what a reciprocating saw was?
I am hooked by your MC new attitude. I sense her angst. Nice job!
Sure, Jinn can bleed, at least in my book. They are not human but they are a distinct species akin to humans. The reciprocating saw is just a joke. She doesn't know what it looks like but she's heard the term. Thanks for your comments!
DeleteI really enjoyed this. I like the streamlined timeline and the way she goes about trying to stop this from happening. I like the world you are creating and am anxious to see where it leads.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this very much. It’s original and fresh! Is it possible to shorten some of the background paragraphs (“Unlike the human world…” and “Running away was never…”) to fewer sentences? Otherwise it does seem like giving just a bit too much backstory early on, what I struggle with myself all the time! Tighten the paragraphs and I think you’re on your way. I look forward to reading more.
ReplyDeleteI agree the Running away graph is long. I can try to tighten it up. Many readers wanted the consequences right away. Why she doesn't just run away to escape this fate so I wanted to give it. Unfortunately it's not one easy line like "run away and you're dead!"
DeleteI assume readers *do* want this in these first five though? Perhaps just tighter?
Thanks!
I think just tighter, shorter paragraphs but you don't have to cut anything out necessarily. I know, it's difficult to do that without actually deleting some of the sentences. What are your most important ones? I wonder if you could pick the top 5 sentences and cut the others? Maybe put the info in somehow later? Keep in mind since no one else noticed that paragraph, it could just be me! :-)
DeleteNo, I noticed too! I think it's too long and loses the rhythm. I've cut down to the important stuff. The idea is for the reader to know there are consequences if she doesn't do this but I can get that across in half the words. Thanks!
DeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteVery nice revision. This is such a fresh take on the concept. I love that.
I like that you grounded us in the human world, but I think you could still smooth that out a bit. This following paragraph feels too "telling" and I'd love for you to bring the information in more naturally:
Unlike the human world in which we live, sixteen is the age when we Jinn become adults and our indentured servitude to the Afrit who rule over our Jinn world begins. We grant wishes to humans of the Afrit’s choosing whether we want to or not. The bangles that release our genie magic also stimulate our bodies to reach full maturity, which as an inherently attractive species, tends to make us, well, hot. I don’t think it’s actually a quid pro quo thing (and if it is, we Jinn must be the most shallow of species), but then again, I’m not privy to the inner workings of the Afrit.
Looking forward to seeing your next take on this!
Thanks so much Martina and everyone! I appreciate you taking a second look.
DeleteSquee!!!! Things were so much clearer for me this time. I think this was an amazing revision. Things unfolded at just the right speed and in the right way for me to follow the story but be excited about it. The one thing that I think, and it's just my opinion, is that you have hair, nails, body shape and eyes/contacts as examples of her body changing and regrowing. I could live without the nails and the clipping. I like the other examples better and I think the reader will more than get the picture and then they can get to more of the plot quicker.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry I was late with my review--I've been hanging out in the revision fort too. :o) Fabulous job with this. It comes across as very fresh and unique and it reminds me of reading NEED by Carrie Jones. Well done.
Thanks Kimberly! I am so glad this seems to be on the right track! I appreciate your time and feedback. Thank you for being so kind to help us out.
ReplyDeleteI had not heard of Carrie Jones but will check NEED out. If you, or anyone else, has other suggestions of comp titles, I'd welcome them. I'm having a hard time finding the right ones as this isn't exactly urban fantasy like Cassandra Clare. It's like a cross between John Green (for the humor and contemporary world and romance subplot) and Kristin Cashore for the fantasy elements (sort of still not perfect).
wow nice great information you have post in yours blog...
ReplyDeletedental scissors
dental scissors
dental explorer
aspirating syringe
Hemostatic Forceps