Monday, January 7, 2013

1st 5 Pages January Workshop - Bidania

Name: V. Bidania
Genre: YA Apocalyptic/Thriller
Title: Till the End of the World


Chapter 1

The day I found out the apocalypse was coming was the same day my world had come crashing down. The dust clouds hadn’t even settled yet. My heart was still crumbling at my feet and gloom clawing into my skin, when the news blasted at me like bombfire.

But I won’t think about that now. I can’t. I’m supposed to be concentrating.

I blink and move closer to the glass, look out at the emptiness that surrounds my house. Each morning I open my eyes to a silence that’s so deafening I’m afraid my ears will burst. I didn’t wake up to it today, though. It was already there. Because I hardly slept last night.

Seven days ago, I was reheating Thanksgiving leftovers with my brother Ben, on the phone discussing Black Friday shopping with my best friend Lia, hanging up lights on the Christmas tree with my parents.

Now I’m crouched by the kitchen window, peeking out the curtains, gripping Ben’s old varsity baseball bat in one hand, Mom’s birding binoculars in the other.

It’s my turn on watch.

Dad and Ben worked late into the night boarding up most of our windows and doors from inside. They used plywood from the shed they never finished building last summer when Mom got sick. Now we’re glad they didn’t.

It’s early so no looters out. Yet.

Yesterday from the upstairs window, we witnessed a group break into Mrs. Fitzgerald’s across the street. They tore down her front doors with crowbars. She wasn’t home.

Everyone on our block -- in our entire suburb -- is already gone.

Seconds after storming in, they sprinted out carrying a giant screen TV and shiny speakers. Her state-of-the-art security system kept wailing even after they sped away in their slick new stolen pickup. Minutes later, different looters arrived. Pounced inside, destroyed the alarm, then took off with her hi-tech stereo and satellite dishes from the roof.

I’m not sure how useful those will be come Doomsday. If you survive.

Through the tiny slit in the curtains, I see the sun slowly creep over the treetops, quietly paint a coat of blue-gray light onto the empty driveways, deserted streets and abandoned houses.

No more kids cruising by on skateboards or mothers pushing baby strollers. No more joggers and dog walkers waving to familiar faces driving by. Our neighborhood has become a ghost town littered with trash and the occasional plastic bag whirling across the ground like tumbleweed.

My eyes flit to the calendar, where dates have been crossed out with black magic marker. Four days since we heard any warning sirens. Three since army trucks drove down the street to remove any remaining wreckage from riots. Two since we saw anyone besides looters. I pull on the corner edge of the calendar and tear the old month away. The page swishes from the wall and to the floor, splattering the events of the past week across the tiles.

Down the hall my family sleeps. I hear them crisp and clear from the kitchen. Dad and Ben’s synchronized snoring. Mom’s noisy, winded breaths. Her oxygen machine is off and her breathing is loud. As a safety precaution, we sleep together in the first floor family room now. At my feet are a shovel and rake. Plus, I guess we always have the kitchen knives. In case.

The truth is, if we had an actual break-in right now, I don’t know what I’d do. The idea of intruders forcing their way into our house terrifies me, fires a searing panic into my bones. Picturing my family fighting them off horrifies every part of me -- but at least we’re prepared with weapons, if that were to happen.

My family couldn’t leave town when everyone else did. Mom’s minivan was still in the shop, waiting for parts. The night before the Voluntary Evacuation, Dad’s sedan and Ben’s jeep were stolen from the garage in the middle of the night. So we’re immobile.

At first, we tried to hitch rides with friends and neighbors, but no one had space for all of us and for Mom’s medical equipment. And everything happened so fast. The frantic packing of cars, loading of kids and pets and food, scrambling for supplies, rushing and running. There just wasn’t enough time.

On the eve of the Evacuation, we’d stuffed the car with everything important we owned. We’d made the decision to go. We were supposed to. In the end, it’s not like we had a choice anymore, but Dad said it was safer not to. Because of Mom’s fragile condition, it was better if we stayed at home, in our house, in a stable environment. Whatever stable means now.

My attention shifts back to the window, where I scan the area for any sign of movement. But it’s dead quiet out there. Not even a breeze to stir through the trees. As I stare at the calm, leafless branches, I try not to think about Nick. As I watch the winding sidewalks, I try to stop wondering why he didn’t tell me, why he didn’t warn us. With his dad being some kind of important Pentagon official, you’d think he would have had the resources to help us somehow. If he’d wanted. Or at least to give me the heads-up. Didn’t he owe me that much?

I shake my head. Focus on the curbside, the road. Nick is gone now. I’m never going to see him again.

“April, where are you?”

I turn to see Mom in the hallway, searching the gray shadows of the kitchen for me. She’s wearing the pink flannel pajamas I got her for Mother’s Day. Her favorite wool sweater is draped over her shoulders. With one hand pressed against the wall, she looks more frail than usual. Like she might fall over if she lets go.

“Mom, why are you up so early?”

She spots me by the window and frowns. “You need rest,” she says and takes an unsteady step toward me.

I toss my bat and binoculars onto the counter and rush over to help her. “I’m fine. You go back to sleep.”

Mom holds my hand as we step down the hall. I can feel her veins protruding from underneath her soft, thin skin. Her fingers are so cold.

“How are you feeling this morning?”

“Good.” She tries to clear her throat but is interrupted by a sudden coughing fit. It forces her bony shoulders to shake up and down violently, flushes more red into her already pink cheeks.

“Are you okay?” I rub her back and Mom nods, pounds her chest with her fist. “Come on, let’s get some oxygen.”

I tug her gently into the family room and blink hard. Lately, she’s barely had the strength to walk. She’s lost so much weight since August. That’s when the doctors said her lungs were deteriorating more rapidly than they had predicted.

Mom has panacinar emphysema, which is a rare genetic lung disease. She needs oxygen treatments to help her breathe and over a dozen medications daily to ease her pain. Her condition has been worsening in the past few weeks.

I help Mom into her wheelchair by the side of the pullout where Dad is snoring away. Just as I pick up her oxygen mask, a thunderous pounding rips through the house. The mask drops from my fingers. I spin around, my heart stomping fast.

12 comments:

  1. I think your first sentence is actually "Each morning I open my eyes to a silence that’s so deafening I’m afraid my ears will burst." I also think you need to go through and take out anything unnecessary like backstory that we don't need right now. Really keep us in the moment. Show us the environment - your descriptions were great.

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  2. I'm all for apocalyptic thrillers, but I'm sort of unsure as to the danger here. I know there are looters, but it feels like there is something else (I'm thinking zombies, but that could just be the image the word 'apocalypse' conjures up). I do feel sympathy for the MC though, trashed town, looters, friend/love interest gone, everyone else gone, sick mother--she's definitely relatable. I think a little action would really pick it up and help spread out your backstory.

    Also, I agree with Lisa: "Each morning I open my eyes to a silence that’s so deafening I’m afraid my ears will burst." --> LOVE this first sentence and think it would make a very strong beginning.

    Great job!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Erica. I will delete some backstory and revise!

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  3. This is some seasoned writing! Like the sensory deets, I'm feeling her scaredy-ness. Mark the paras with flashback or backstory and move to somewhere else. Think that will help a lot with drawing us in. For ex, the para that starts "seven days ago" . And the reasons for not evacuating - just one sentence is enough for now (e.g., Our cars were stolen that night and no one would give us a ride" would do it). You can explain more later if needed. This will help you get to the story! You're doing a great job of painting the scene! I totally believe the world has ended. :)

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  4. Hi!!! Thanks so much for participating in the Workshop. I don't think you've gotten to the real beginning of your story yet. (((hugs))) That doesn't mean it's not there. I do the same thing in my own writing. But your story needs to start the moment something significant starts to happen. What I'm reading is a large chunk of back story. You need this to develop a full novel, but you don't necessarily need to have it all in the book or at least have it all up front.

    Based on what you have here, I think you might want to do something like this...


    Each morning I AWAKEN (CONFLICT WITH EYES AND HEARING) to a silence that’s so deafening I’m afraid my ears will burst. ALTHOUGH TODAY I WOULDN'T KNOW, SINCE I'VE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT, GUARDING THE HOUSE SO THAT EVERYONE ELSE COULD SLEEP.

    “April, where are you?”

    I turn to see Mom in the hallway, searching the gray shadows of the kitchen for me. She’s wearing the pink flannel pajamas I got her for Mother’s Day. Her favorite wool sweater is draped over her shoulders. With one hand pressed against the wall, she looks more frail than usual. Like she might fall over if she lets go.

    “Mom, why are you up so early?”

    She spots me by the window and frowns. “You need rest,” she says and takes an unsteady step toward me.

    I toss my bat and binoculars onto the counter AND REACH FOR HER. IT'S TOO EARLY FOR LOOTERS ANYWAY. I HOPE. Mom holds my hand as we step down the hall. I can feel her veins protruding from underneath her soft, thin skin. Her fingers are so cold.

    “How are you feeling this morning?” I ASK WONDERING IF SHE'D EVEN TELL ME THE TRUTH.

    “Good.” She tries to clear her throat but is interrupted by a sudden coughing fit. It forces her bony shoulders to shake up and down violently, flushING more red into her already pink cheeks.

    “Are you okay?” I rub her back and Mom nods, pounds her chest with her fist. “Come on, let’s get some oxygen.” I RUN MY FINGERS DOWN THE LEG OF MY CARGO PANTS AND CAN STILL FEEL THE OUTLINE OF THE STEAK KNIFE UNDER MY FINGERS. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH BETTER IF WE COULD HAVE LEFT TOWN WITH EVERYONE ELSE BUT IT WASN'T AN OPTION...

    *THIS IS JUST A ROUGH SAMPLE OF HOW TO KEEP THE ACTION IN THE PRESENT AND VERY SLOWLY MIX IN BITS AND PIECES OF THE BACKSTORY. OF COURSE IF I READ YOUR WORK FURTHER, I MIGHT FIND AN EVEN BETTER STARTING POINT, BUT YOU CAN PLAY WITH IT. I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING WHAT YOU DO WITH IT.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, Kimberly. Your suggestions are a tremendous help and very generous. This is the feedback I need to improve my beginning. I am very thankful for your help!

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    2. Yay!!! So excited to see how this grows. :o)

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  5. You're great with emotions and showing. I have read the other comments and really think Kimberly suggestion is really good, you go directly to the action and maybe later at some point you can tell the reader what happened before. Or only put the backstory as thoughts of her, not as actual telling.
    Starting the story the day the things changed is a good idea and the reader is connected with what you have to the MC you just only need them to want to know what's happening, what's at stake.

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  6. I agree with the other commenters that you would be better served taking out a lot of the back story. I actually thought you could start with this: "My eyes flit to the calendar, where dates STARTING WITH THANKSGIVING (or whenever the start day was) have been crossed out with black magic marker." And get rid of all that comes before. The earlier stuff is over explanation of what we know -- we know if the streets are empty that no one is jogging or pushing strollers. Looters tells us enough, we don't need the description of them going into the neighbor's house.

    Then: "It's my turn on watch. At my feet are a shovel and rake. In my right hand is Ben's baseball bat. Within arm's reach are the kitchen knives. The guts to use them if the need arises? I'm unsure where that is."

    I'd condense the next few paragraphs about the lack of transportation as is suggested above and then go on.

    One caution I have is that you have a lot of clauses as sentences. I do this myself and like it. But it seemed a bit too heavy on that for me. If you get rid of a lot of the start, however, you may lose most of these anyway.

    I also like Kimberly's choice of where to begin as well though.

    I'd like a tiny sense of what the apocalypse (zombies, virus, etc.) means but I don't necessarily need it to keep reading so long as I get a sense of it soon.

    It's intriguing and I want to read more. Good luck!

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  7. Our neighborhood has become a ghost town littered with trash and the occasional plastic bag whirling across the ground like tumbleweed.
    Probably could SHOW this instead of TELL it.
    OUR NEIGHBORHOOD'S A GHOST TOWN LITTERED WITH TRASH AND THE OCCASIONAL PLASTIC BAG WHIRLING ACROSS THE GROUND LIKE A TUMBLEWEED. This seems subtle, but you should stay away from using too many helping verbs. There should be a balance, but overall lean moreso on strong action verbs to avoid TELLING us what's happening. Show us instead.
    Kimberly's suggestions follow this pattern well and get your back story involved too.
    I like the suspense you create with MC peering out the window just waiting for something awful to happen etc. In a story with your title, that type of tension should drive the story. Too much info. dumping bogs that down.
    spin around, my heart stomping fast.- Sometimes I think you are using words that don't quite capture the image you intend. HEART STOMPING FAST...doesn't work for me as well as maybe saying I SPIN AROUND, MY HEART RACING OR MY HEART BEATING THROUGH MY CHEST. These aren't the best examples, but I just can't picture a heart stomping. I can't wait to see what you do with this. It's a current idea that needs to be explored and refined.

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  8. Shouldn’t it be the same day my world CAME crashing down. Not sure why you put had come – if it’s in past tense anyway. And gloom WAS clawing. I found that opening paragraph a little slow, a little too much focus on description when I don’t have a character to follow yet. I’d cut straight from the first line to I won’t think about that. Or, as someone else suggested, start with the Each morning line.
    How can you open your eyes to silence? You mean wake to it?
    I love the change from the (nicely rhythmic) line about xmas lights etc to the next paragraph. Good stuff. :)
    I’d keep the Everyone on our block ... line with the previous paragraph. It feels like too many short sentences and short paragraphs were trying too hard to be dramatic, when you were building tension nicely anyway.
    If you survive? Not we? Or They?
    quietly PAINTING... Other than that, nice line.
    The page swishes from the wall and to the floor, splattering the events of the past week across the tiles. Great line. That whole paragraph has a really nice flow to it.  This is very Hunger Games. It keeps going, getting more and more tense – until that paragraph explaining mom’s condition hauled me way out of the moment. I don’t need the details – she had a really bad lung disease, that’s all we need to know right now. I’d delete it entirely.
    Nice ending. Where’s the rest!

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  9. Hi,

    WOW. Some great writing, great emotion, and great setup here. Everyone else has already given you all that, take it as read, because I agree with the good things that have already been pointed out.

    My concerns:

    1) I love Lisa's suggestion for the opening line and Kim's suggestion for a beginning. I agree that right now, I feel like you are starting in the wrong place. But, I'm not sure you're starting in the right time, either. That all depends on your story question, I guess. Is the point where things change the day of the apocalypse, the day of the evacuation order, the day on which you are starting here? Why? What is the story question and how can you hook us into that early?

    2) Think about your story structure overall. We need to be grounded into her existing world so that when we get the inciting incident we can understand her reluctance to change the status quo. For that to happen, we need to know what is at risk both if she chooses to accept her quest and what she risks if she chooses not to go. That way, when we get to the catalyst -- the turning point that leads into the between world of Act 2 -- we understand why she is making the choice she is making in moving forward. We also need to feel like she *has* a choice. Now, obviously, the catalyst, and perhaps even the inciting incident aren't going to be in your first five pages. But we need to be building toward them. Right now, I'm not so sure that's setting up viably yet.

    3) Trust your readers to go with you as you move through this piece. We're here. If your story begins with her being an ordinary girl and an order coming to evacuate because the end of the world is coming, that's fine. Show us that. If your story begins when she peers through a crack in the boarded up windows to morning sun, a changed landscape, and a silence that's as awful as it is complete, that's fine too. But show us the looters three doors down in their shiny stolen pickup. Show us the medical equipment gathered in the middle of the living room, waiting for a car that they don't have. Is she going to defeat the looters and take their pickup, btw? Awesome.

    4) Whatever you are going to do, show it in real time, or discuss it in real time with plenty of tension thrown in. A little bit of backstory slivered in is wonderful. This type of piece doesn't require a ton of setting (although I am a setting whore!) but what setting you do provide needs to be there because your mc is interacting with it. Most importantly, ground us with forward action. Don't think about events or movement. Give it to us. Make her pace to the window and peer through the hole, have her go to another window. Have her search out things she can use for weapons if the looters come. Have her move, and in moving, show us her world and her circumstances.

    Looking forward to reading more. I think this has a ton of potential!

    Best,

    Martina

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